Jennifer2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 As I mentioned in another thread, I found out my BF was sharing joint custody of a dog with his ex girlfriend. She would call him and make him buy dog food and pay for vet bills. He would also house sit for her for weeks at a time. I thought it was super shady and didn't feel I could continue to get involved with someone who never properly broke up with his ex. I ended up breaking up with him via text. Not my choice. He wanted to talk immediately, and I wasn't in a place where I could take a call. I wanted to call him later. But he just told me that I broke his heart and not to try and reach out to him. Then he immediately unfriended me from facebook. I feel badly about how things ended. I genuinely liked this guy as a person and appreciate all of his love during our relationship. It meant a lot to me. So should I reach out just to apologize? I don't know what to do...
Author Jennifer2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 (edited) Yeah, excellent points. And I don't necessarily want to pursue any sort of relationship with him at this point, considering the situation with his ex, but as two mature adults I just feel weird about ending things with someone via TEXT. It seems so juvenile to me, especially considering the closeness that we shared. On the other hand, he seems to have made it clear that he doesn't want to hear from me. He explicitly told me not to reach out and unfriended me from facebook. So I don't want to be disrespectful. The very weird aspect of this to me is that he told me he loved me and had even discussed marriage. Yet he never said, "Let's talk this over when we're both a bit more level headed." He just told me not to contact him. I don't really understand that to be perfectly honest. He's a reasonable guy. And a reasonable person wouldn't have just cut things off. Edited August 22, 2012 by Jennifer2012
Author Jennifer2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Words of wisdom here, Gibson! One night we were chatting on the phone and he told me he was agitated. Why, I asked? And then he told me about the ex and the dog stuff and the high cost of the vet bills. I was like, why on earth are you paying for the dog?! I was completely pissed because I remembered that earlier on, when we first met, he mentioned house sitting for her too....for weeks! So it was like instantly all of my feelings for him changed and I thought, who the hell is this guy really?! I told him that we should get off the phone and talk the next day. Then we had that convo via text. He kept asking if I was done with him. And I said, well, I can't really get involved with someone who isn't yet broken up with his ex. Then he told me I was being unreasonable and had just made the worst mistake of my life. Then he said not to contact him again. That was basically it. It's completely bizarre to me. The future faker things makes a lot of sense to me now and I'm starting to not feel so bad. Ugh. I'm so annoyed now that I even gave this person my time and genuine affection :-(
Author Jennifer2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Thanks Gibson! I really appreciate all of your insights. I did think this guy was majorly jumping the gun--I even told him so in the first weeks we dated. I suppose I enjoyed the attention too much to end things earlier on. And yes, it's amazing how even experienced, intelligent women don't follow their initial instincts all of the time. I am constantly relearning this lesson.
CC12 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 The very weird aspect of this to me is that he told me he loved me and had even discussed marriage. Yet he never said, "Let's talk this over when we're both a bit more level headed." He just told me not to contact him. I don't really understand that to be perfectly honest. He's a reasonable guy. And a reasonable person wouldn't have just cut things off. Wait, I don't want to kick you while you're down or anything, but *you* were the one who just cut things off. You broke up with him. And you made it sound like he was just like, "Okay, well, whatever, bye." That's not what happened, because you said yourself, "He kept asking if I was done with him." To that, you said to him, "well, I can't really get involved with someone who isn't yet broken up with his ex." It seems like you didn't really want to break up with him, you just wanted him to volunteer to change. And instead of talking to him about it, you kind of passive-aggressively forced an ultimatum. You didn't say, "Yes, I'm done with you." You basically said, "Weeeellll, I can't get involved if your ex is in the picture, sooo..." Like I said, I don't want to kick you while you're down, but to me it seems like your desire to apologize is really just a way to speak to him again, to try to get another chance with him. I don't think you should do this. He told you not to contact him, so you should really try to respect that. But if I'm wrong and you really, truly are done with him, there's still no need to apologize. It was unfortunate that it was done over text, but eh. Just be glad it's over and move on.
morichu Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Yeah like the above poster said there's really no need to apologize. It's over and he'll eventually get over it. Just be glad you ended it when you did. Anybody who's constantly hanging out with the ex should be done with immediately
robaday Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 He had joint custody of the dog, so you shouldnt be too angry he was looking after it, anyone whos ever owned a dog would tell you that it is like a family member and while after a break up you can lose cd's, books, electronics whatever else, its a living breathing thing that you have helped look after for a number of years. I think you did the right thing by you breaking it off, if you were that uncomfortable with it. But, Im not going to do a character assasination on the guy like some other posters have done, the dog was something he was responsible for, and regardless of how weird the situation was, you cant blame him for keeping his share of the bargain. I wouldnt stress about him cutting you off. Its his way of coping. Ive done it before and told someone to leave me alone - he was stressed and shocked, and needed to be away from you. The minute you break it off, you have to be ready for that person to be GONE.......
oracle Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Personally I think you handled it wrong. I guess its ok to break up with someone by text if you are (a) 16 years old or (b) just banging them now and then. I have to disagree with a lot of people. Adults are entitled to their past. Including relationship past, and just because you move on to a new relationship doesn't mean you need to burn and or bury all traces of your past relationship. A shared pet is like a shared child and I think thats an acceptable link to a past relationship. As a gay adult male, my 11 year old doberman is the closest I will have to a child, and its a consideration in the separation with my ex. THAT SAID, any non-disclosure on his part is unnacceptable. Perhaps he was worried you wouldn;t handle it or accept it and he chose to take the risk and not tell you because he wanted you in his life.. From the way you reacted though he would have been right. Should you apologize? Hmm... Sure I think you have reason to, but you also have your reason to be upset. Bottom line though, any relationship that can be ended by text message... probably best to just keep walking. 1
Author Jennifer2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Well, I agree that I feel ridiculous about our last communication being via text. I wanted to actually talk things through with him, but he wasn't interested in doing that. Ultimately, I've decided not to contact him and certainly not to apologize. When I evaluate the facts I can't get over a few things: --His shared pet with the ex. She still calls about trivial things like having him buy dog food and bringing it over. Why not just put money into an account? --He house sits for the ex for weeks at a time. Like of all people the ex could ask to do this, she asks him and he gladly does it. --When I called him once he told me he had just finished looking at homes with his real estate agent and was currently at her place waiting for her to get out of the shower. I don't even want to know what was going on. --For someone who claimed to have loved me, he certainly didn't even try to talk things through with me. So I seem kind of disposable to him. So based on all of that and a few other things, I'm just going to cut my losses. I think I started second guessing myself because we spent a lot of time together and now I feel lonely and kind of down. I really appreciate everyone's perspectives and insights on this!
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