Woggle Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 My friend just broke up with his long term GF and she is furious at him. I always thought she was nice and I feel bad for her but at no point did he ever mislead her. She has been pushing for marriage for about a year even though he told her from the start he never wants to get married ever and there is probably nothing that will change his mind. She agreed to just living together because she wasn't big on marriage herself but in the past year she started doing a 180 and now has wedding fever. He told her that he still will not get married but if she wants a husband he won't blame her if she left and found a man who can give her what she wants. She flipped out on him because if he ever really cared about her he wouldn't be able to break it off so easily and she can't believe he wasted her best years like that. They ended up breaking up and she is seeing herself as the victim. Was he in the wrong even though he was 100% honest from the start?
threebyfate Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 No, he wasn't wrong. She's being an unreasonable bitch. 2
8mia8 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Don't think he was wrong but many women think they can change others. People also have different notions of what love is - if you love someone you'd never let them go vs. if you love someone you'd let them go (to be happy). 1
ThaWholigan Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 This is something quite a few women do in my observations actually. I know of many girls that got into relationships with guys that basically told them that they weren't long term material at that time, but they stuck around - and then got upset when he proved to be telling the truth, as though he duped her. They knew what they were getting into. Your friend did absolutely nothing wrong, she just hid her true feelings until she couldn't take it, and tried to turn your friend's head. And got upset when it didn't work. I feel for her too, but she had a gameplan IMO, and it failed. 3
kaylan Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 (edited) Actually...its both their faults. If he knew how she felt, he shouldn't have dated her. I dont date women who are on different wavelengths than me. Ever see the movie "500 Days of Summer"? Well the girl, Summer, I hated her at the end of the movie. Because she knew that JGL's character always saw her as someone special...as being the one for him. But she dated him anyway, despite knowing he wasnt going to be the right girl for her. So yeah...if two people arent on the same page...despite however honest everyone is, its not smart to date one another. Edited August 22, 2012 by kaylan 4
threebyfate Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Actually...its both their faults. If he knew how she felt, he shouldn't have dated her. I dont date women who are on different wavelengths than me. Ever see the movie "500 Days ofDid you notice that she changed her mind, originally claiming to not be big on marriage? I absolutely hate people who make unilateral decisions in relationships. That's not a relationship. That's just entitlement.
Author Woggle Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 I have a strange feeling of deja vu. . . . If you are saying I am falling off the wagon again that is not the case. I was telling him before the breakup to maybe reconsider his stance. If I found a marriage worthy woman maybe he can as well but he is not budging and he told her this from the start. If somebody is honest with you and you go ahead anyway that is on you.
threebyfate Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Make sure your friend doesn't bow to her blackmail of breaking up. Stick to his guns and find someone who doesn't stunt like this. 1
kaylan Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Actually...its both their faults. If he knew how she felt, he shouldn't have dated her. I dont date women who are on different wavelengths than me. Ever see the movie "500 Days of Summer"? Well the girl, Summer, I hated her at the end of the movie. Because she knew that JGL's character always saw her as someone special...as being the one for him. But she dated him anyway, despite knowing he wasnt going to be the right guy for her. So yeah...if two people arent on the same page...despite however honest everyone is, its not smart to date one another. Fixed typo in bold.Did you notice that she changed her mind, originally claiming to not be big on marriage? I absolutely hate people who make unilateral decisions in relationships. That's not a relationship. That's just entitlement. In which case shes to blame. If one partner hides their true feelings and intentions from the other party, then they are at fault if they get hurt. I still think the dude in this situation should have known better. Marriage wouldnt have come up at all if she didnt really want it. Granted he was comfortable with where things were...but I would have taken her initial talk of marriage as a clue to let her go so I dont hurt her or waste her time.
carhill Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Can you claim victim status if they were honest from the start? She can, she is, she will and it will be widely believed if she has any networking skills at all, and I've yet to meet a woman who doesn't. It doesn't matter if she's totally wrong. That's how life works. Have him over for some beers and a swim. Time to focus on guy stuff. 5
curlygirl40 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Well to answer your question, she knew what she was getting herself into. However people change their minds all the time so I can't blame her for deciding she wanted marriage, but she shouldn't have been surprised that he didn't change his mind through the relationship. Her eyes should have been wide open. Question for you though, will be interesting to hear your answer. From YOUR point of view. Do you think your friend really doesn't want to be married or do you think he just didn't want to be married to HER. Will you be surprised if he marries the next girl that he is with?
Author Woggle Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 He flat out does not want to be married. He saw his parents divorce and what the guys around him have gone through and he wants no part of it. He is quite successful and feels that marriage would put everything he worked hard for in danger.
InJest Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Sounds like a psychobitch, but to answer your question, yes she can claim victim. She can claim whatever she wants; doesn't make it so.
phineas Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 She can, she is, she will and it will be widely believed if she has any networking skills at all, and I've yet to meet a woman who doesn't. It doesn't matter if she's totally wrong. That's how life works. Have him over for some beers and a swim. Time to focus on guy stuff. Yep. This is why it's best to move on & don't even waste time dealing with damage control & if it's your house, grab anything valuable & leave a good friend to watch her while she packs her stuff.
RedRobin Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 (edited) Here's the question... Did he say "I don't believe in marriage and I will never be married." Did you hear him say those words to her? Don't get me wrong... I don't believe in living together... especially not if one is looking to get married. If a guy said that to me, I'd say "thanks" and stop dating him. Just wondering if he really did say that to her and how clear he was when he said it. I also kinda agree with Kaylan. If he thought she was looking for marriage and he knew for sure he wasn't, he should have backed out. P.S. She'll be widely believed because alot of guys use wishy-washy language to keep the goodies coming. Sure. I'm all about personal responsibility. She should/could have asked more questions. But he also didn't have to keep things going either once he learned she was looking for marriage. If there is negative fallout for him after this, perhaps he'll be more proactive in ending things in the future once it looks like their paths are diverging. Edited August 22, 2012 by RedRobin
Leigh 87 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 It is the same as a lot of girls here who wants more out of a guy who TELLS them they are not " the one" for them. One most recently has gone and made heaps of threads about it.. I so feel for her! No, it is not the guys fault, but if he had a high level of integrity and was more perceptive, he would know that this situation was heartbreaking for her. What is it with men?! If a guy was into me, and I did not return the sentiment.... I would NOT have a long relationship with him, KNOWING full well he loved me and wanted to be with me and would likely want to MARR me at some point... if I KNEW he was not the one for me. Sorry. I have options, and would rather find a guy on the same page as me, whatever it is we are BOTH looking for! It is not the guys fault, but having more foresight and looking at what is best, instead of just looking forward to each day as it comes - would be a lot better for more guys to have. 1
callingyouuu Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 (edited) I agree that it's sort of both their faults. I give a few extra points to him for being clear and upfront from the start, but sounds like he could have avoided the drama just by parting ways when she caught "wedding fever." It is not the guys fault, but having more foresight and looking at what is best, instead of just looking forward to each day as it comes - would be a lot better for more guys to have. Historically not my strong point, I must admit. Edited August 22, 2012 by callingyouuu 1
GLDheart Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 (edited) Hey that girl atleast has a better claim than one "loop de loop" I dated. We met through friends and partied together one night, hit it off (I love a good party), and hooked up. We spent a week or so seeing each other but the chemistry faded fast for me. I was honest with her and told her I wasn't feeling it. I didn't play her and I didn't use her for any easy "exit sex" (you know what I'm talking about). She went absolutely crazy... like I broke her heart. Anytime I ever saw her at a party she went mega drama queen and made friends chase after her to calm her down. Then she'd cause a big scene and end up leaving. Well over a year down the road she cornered me at a get together telling me how I screwed her up and she ended up needing to see a therapist. I just looked at her with a blank stare... I'm sitting there thinking "we dated for a week... wtf?!?" ... the other thought on my mind that I tactfully didn't say was "you may need therapy, but those problems started way before me..." From my point of view, we gave it a go and it just didn't launch into orbit... From her point of view I was "the one that got away". We may have been in a relationship together (albeit a very short one)... but clearly she was not in the same one that I was in. So yeah. Any girl (or guy for that matter) can claim victim status if she (or he) wants to. Edited August 22, 2012 by GLDheart
Author Woggle Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 He flat out told her he never wants to marry and she agreed with him. I have heard her say that she thought marriage was just a piece of paper but in the past year she did a 180 and now she thinks he is the bad guy because he is sticking to his original plan. He sincerely thought both of them were on the same page. At least he never made any false promises to her and told her she can move on if she wants a husband. 3
Leigh 87 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Marry* Damn it. I apologise once again, several of my keys do not function without going back and pressing them many times. And fixing it is not up there on my " need to do" lists... And it sort of makes my blood boil, how guys can stay with a girl they are not truly into, knowing full well she is crazy about him and would even like marriage at some point.... If they are decent guys and are able to find women, why not just go find a women who " does it" for them, or simply find someone who also only wants a casual arrangement? Regarding marriage... Some guys change their mind. I just wanted a really good friends with benifits (at least I set out to obtain this)... and my current partner did not ever think about marriage in the near future either.. not before recent times. Lately, he is tired of his single ways, and wants to get married. Maybe she was hoping he was just going through a phase, where he was not that into marriage? Some guys DO do a total 180.... Personally, I would not stick around if I wanted marriage and the guy stated he did not, but you know.... I understand if the girl is attached, and then holds out hope for the gu to ch Also something to consider, is: is it HIM, or is it the GIRL? Sometimes men never want marriage, regardless of meeting the " right girl" for them.. Where as some THINK they do not want marriage, but once they meet the right girl, they change their mind. It sounds like this guy in the OP is just against the institution of marriage. If the girl understood it was not HER, and he would be like that for ANY women he was in love with.... She may have compromised? However, I would not be able to stop questioning the guy i was with, if he did ntoo want marriage; I would think it was just ME, and that he would eventually meet the right girl to which he wanted to marry. haha, so even if the guy claimed it was not a matter of finding the right girl, I would ALWAYS be thinking in the back of my mind that yes, if he found a girl who loved more than me, he could somehow change his stance against marriage...
Leigh 87 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 He flat out told her he never wants to marry and she agreed with him. I have heard her say that she thought marriage was just a piece of paper but in the past year she did a 180 and now she thinks he is the bad guy because he is sticking to his original plan. He sincerely thought both of them were on the same page. At least he never made any false promises to her and told her she can move on if she wants a husband. It is tricky.. As some partners truly do think it is just a piece of paper, yet they change their minds when they meet the right person..... My partner and I were averse to marriage initially.. You know, we were young, I was not mentally even ready for a relationship, and he had never even had a long term relationship. Literally, never. A 3 month hook up was the most he ever had prior to me... However, we are very attached now, to the point where we talk about marriage a lot. He too thinks it is just " a piece of paper". NO ONE who knew him before and at the beginning of our relationship would EVER pick him to be the marrying type, at least not in his 20's.... Some guys do just think it is a bit of paper, but the whole idea of wanting everyone to know how close you two are, can override any initial reservations. Honestly, we BOTH thought marriage was totally unecessary; now, we sort of have a urge for everyone to see us as " as close as possible". We both told one another that we were not looking for anything serious, and that marriage was not something we could see ourselves ever doing, and even talked badly about it, how it was so unecessary and even stupid. Things can change, but people cannot; if it is his fundamental belief, he should have stressed to her specifically that it was HIM, and the right girl would NEVER change his mind.
Author Woggle Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 He told her that he would never marry anybody. He is just opposed to it no matter who it is. I guess the thing rubbing the salt in the wound is that he really doesn't seem to broken up about the breakup. He has a life goes on attitude about it. He said he just wants to get her out of the apartment and into her own place as soon as possible. 1
Leigh 87 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Hey that girl atleast has a better claim than one "loop de loop" I dated. We met through friends and partied together one night, hit it off (I love a good party), and hooked up. We spent a week or so seeing each other but the chemistry faded fast for me. I was honest with her and told her I wasn't feeling it. I didn't play her and I didn't use her for any easy "exit sex" (you know what I'm talking about). She went absolutely crazy... like I broke her heart. Anytime I ever saw her at a party she went mega drama queen and made friends chase after her to calm her down. Then she'd cause a big scene and end up leaving. Well over a year down the road she cornered me at a get together telling me how I screwed her up and she ended up needing to see a therapist. I just looked at her with a blank stare... I'm sitting there thinking "we dated for a week... wtf?!?" ... the other thought on my mind that I tactfully didn't say was "you may need therapy, but those problems started way before me..." From my point of view, we gave it a go and it just didn't launch into orbit... From her point of view I was "the one that got away". We may have been in a relationship together (albeit a very short one)... but clearly she was not in the same one that I was in. So yeah. Any girl (or guy for that matter) can claim victim status if she (or he) wants to. I hope she got help:( She obviously believed that the initial chemistry is indicative of true, lasting love.... The thing is, even the best chemistry can be short lived, and rarely amounts to a long term relationship.... it just sounds like she was delluded; that strong feelings remained for HER, and so she surely thought you must feel such strong feelings, since she felt them....
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