MyHeartTakesOver Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 The break up was three months ago. No contact for a few days now. In the time between the BU and NC my ex and his new partner have been, at various points, genuinely nice towards me. His new girlfriend has said she wants me to be a part of his life because he loves me and my ex has said he wants me in his life in a serious way and that he still wants to have all the experiences that we'd planned on having. I get that this is more about them than me. That's now obvious. The thing is though... I'm NC because I still feel pain, anger, etc. but by focusing on those feelings am I robbing myself of good experiences that I otherwise could be having? Am I letting my anguish and unforgiveness take away potential happiness? NC means we won't take the holiday to Egypt we were planning on, it means nights out with them and, possibly, my own future partner will be missed. Should I just get over myself, realise it ain't coming back and we should act on our love for each other as people? Or is this setting me up for disaster? Am I rationalising my desire to break NC?
youngnlove89 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 The break up was three months ago. No contact for a few days now. In the time between the BU and NC my ex and his new partner have been, at various points, genuinely nice towards me. His new girlfriend has said she wants me to be a part of his life because he loves me and my ex has said he wants me in his life in a serious way and that he still wants to have all the experiences that we'd planned on having. I get that this is more about them than me. That's now obvious. The thing is though... I'm NC because I still feel pain, anger, etc. but by focusing on those feelings am I robbing myself of good experiences that I otherwise could be having? Am I letting my anguish and unforgiveness take away potential happiness? NC means we won't take the holiday to Egypt we were planning on, it means nights out with them and, possibly, my own future partner will be missed. Should I just get over myself, realise it ain't coming back and we should act on our love for each other as people? Or is this setting me up for disaster? Am I rationalising my desire to break NC? Wait a second, his CURRENT gf wants you in his life? That is really odd. But whatever flips up her skirt. Anyways, I suggest NC. It's hard. I'm right here with you. But you can't have him in your life without wanting him in ways he doesn't want you! It's impossible and you will never move on. Every little thing he does or says you will exaggerate in hopes that he is shooting some signal that he misses you. Go NC. it's the only way, the only answer. You will find someone else to replace him.
Chi townD Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) His new girlfriend has said she wants me to be a part of his life because he loves me and my ex has said he wants me in his life in a serious way and that he still wants to have all the experiences that we'd planned on having. I'm NC because I still feel pain, anger, etc. but by focusing on those feelings am I robbing myself of good experiences that I otherwise could be having? Am I letting my anguish and unforgiveness take away potential happiness? Am I rationalising my desire to break NC? NC is a tool used to help you heal and move on. It doesn't mean that you can't talk to him or her ever again. But, it should be applied until your feelings for your Ex goes away. Look, if you were to hang out with them now. There's a chance that you could get hurt. Thinking, " He used to hold MY hand." or "His arm used to be around MY waist." or "I used to rest MY head on his shoulder." Those things are going to hurt if you see them. You have to get to a point where you don't care if you see that. That you are totally indifferent to it. And lets face it. You're not there yet. I suggest that you be honest with them. Tell them, "Look, me not staying in contact isn't a punishment. But, I can't hang out while I still have romantic feelings. That isn't fair to you or me. Therefore, I have to distance myself." If they can't understand that, well too bad. You only have to worry about you and yourself now. So, now you have to go out and have fun experiences on your own. Okay, so you won't go to Egypt. It's overrated anyway. Make plans for you and a girlfriend to go somewhere nice and warm that has nicer beaches and palm tree's with Island music and margarita's! Hell, go to the Bahamas! Bahamas are nicer than Egypt any day of the week! Edited August 21, 2012 by Chi townD 1
Author MyHeartTakesOver Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Wait a second, his CURRENT gf wants you in his life? That is really odd. But whatever flips up her skirt. Anyways, I suggest NC. It's hard. I'm right here with you. But you can't have him in your life without wanting him in ways he doesn't want you! It's impossible and you will never move on. Every little thing he does or says you will exaggerate in hopes that he is shooting some signal that he misses you. Go NC. it's the only way, the only answer. You will find someone else to replace him. Thanks for your help. They have an open relationship and his current girlfriend really likes me. As does he. He said he loves me as much as he ever has (he actually said this in front of her) but that living with me was intolerable for him and being together has been too painful for everyone. It's all too complex! I thought the torture would end with the relationship. It just got more convoluted. Ahhhh. I'm sticking NC because I think it's the only stable option left for me. I just can't take the whole get up anymore. I want something old fashioned and simple. 1
weallfalldown Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Thanks for your help. They have an open relationship and his current girlfriend really likes me. As does he. He said he loves me as much as he ever has (he actually said this in front of her) but that living with me was intolerable for him and being together has been too painful for everyone. It's all too complex! I thought the torture would end with the relationship. It just got more convoluted. Ahhhh. I'm sticking NC because I think it's the only stable option left for me. I just can't take the whole get up anymore. I want something old fashioned and simple. hearttakes over where you to in the uk?
Crila16 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Oh...this new girlfriend is a trip. A real piece of work. She must be the "free love" type of girl. Either that or she's incredibly threatened by you and has read millions of "How to not act secure around a guy you like." I'm sorry..but any normal person wouldn't want the ex girlfriend to even have ever existed...and she certainly doesn't want her in his life. I look at it as a sign of insecurity on her part. Keep your friends close and enemies closer. That way she can keep an eye on you. She's probably thinking, if she allows him to talk to you...it will make him not want to talk to you and if he does talk to you, he'll feel comfortable sharing it with her. Whatever...it won't work. I had a boyfriend that dumped me for this girl Debbie one time. I hated her. Debbie had the NERVE to approach me and told me that she was now with Mark (my ex) and that they were madly in love and I was just going to have to accept it. That I must be a wonderful girl if he ever wanted to date me, and that she hoped that she and I could become friends and that Mark and I would one day be friends again. I told her where to shove it. She thought I was hostile. I told her she would find out what hostile was if she didn't get the H E double hockey sticks away from me. Needless to say. 2 months later, he dumped her and he and I got back together. Yay me!!! I gave her the same talk...she told me off. LOL!!!
Author MyHeartTakesOver Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 hearttakes over where you to in the uk? London. Ex is based in Leeds.
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