moviegurl Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I dated an older guy for 6 months. I'm 38; he's 60. He told me we were made for each other and he didn’t know sex could be as special as it was with me. He sent sweet text messages. He wanted to be exclusive and suggested early on we spent our entire weekends together. We went to France for a week in May, and I had dinner with him and his parents several times and met his 3 grown children. The last few weeks he grew distant. At first, he didn't text as often. He went to Colorado to see his brother, and afterward, didn't text me for 2 days. I sent him a text, asking if he was ok and telling him I missed hearing from him. He texted 3 hours later, saying he had not been sleeping well and was exhausted from the trip. After that, he stopped texting. I sent him a Facebook message a couple of days later, asking if I had done anything to offend him, and he replied the next day, saying I had not; he had "just been having to sort through some things." We are still FB friends, and he occasionally clicks that he "likes" my links and photos. A few days ago, he forwarded a cute e-mail to me. I saw him Saturday night at a musical event in town, but we didn't speak. My girlfriends said they thought he didn't look happy. Some things to know: --- Again, not some 20-something player. He is losing his hair and uses Cialis. (Doesn't matter to me.) He told me I'd have to be patient about sex at first. He said he had to get past emotional blocks from his previous marriage (his wife neglected him sexually for the last year because she was cheating on him). He said it had nothing to do with his feelings about me, just baggage he was trying to work through, but he hadn't ever really had a situation where he had the opportunity for sex. I was patient. We worked through it, and the sex was wonderful. --- He was very sweet for a long time. He told me he didn't really believe in fate but Sometimes, though, he'd "like to . . . for instance, where I was concerned." --- He said he thought his marriage fell apart and probably led to his wife seeing someone else because he took her for granted after their 3 children were born. He focused more on them--or that's how she felt. He said he was wary of relationships after being married for 19 years. --- When we first got together, I told him about my paranoia about heartbreak because of a previous relationship when someone stopped responding to me and shut me out of his life. He said, "Don't be paranoid. No need... I'm not the heartbreaking type. I'm usually on the other end of that." After ignoring him for a few days, I received an e-mail from him at 12:15 a.m. this morning. A break-up letter? His feelings are “complicated.” Here's the e-mail: "I don't know what the right forum is for this, or whether it is just better to say nothing at all, but my feelings about my relationship with you are complicated. I'm not seeing anyone else, and that's not an issue, and I'm not upset about anything that you've done, but I began to examine what was going on between us, and it seemed clear to me that you were bringing a lot more emotion and passion into the relationship than I was. This wasn't anything intentionally deceitful on my part, it just was the emotional hand I was dealt. But, I began to feel a little uncomfortable with this, maybe a crisis of conscience, but it didn't really seem fair or right to you. "As I'm writing this, I think maybe I need to have my head examined, for you're a beautiful lady, smart, interesting, we have so many things in common -- I couldn't go to the drawing board and some up with a more ideal woman. And the sex -- that's been pretty incredible. The time I have spent with you has been wonderful. "But, something was missing for me. Why, I don't know. I'm not sure I can explain the reasons. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that I hadn't really had a real relationship in 15 years and the thought of it still kinda scares the hell out of me, if I'd kinda gotten set in my ways during this time, if it's that I was having a hard time opening after my divorce (I know I have a problem with this; defense mechanism, I guess). It's certainly nothing you did or didn't do. All I know is this is what I'm feeling, and it has been troubling me. "I certainly don't relish hurting you -- I'm sorry about that -- but I haven't really known how to address this issue, and I didn't think things needed to go on as they were. I guess maybe it would be better to address these issues in person, rather than by e-mail, but I'm not sure I could remember all this if we were talking in person and things got emotional. I told you this was complicated; at least it is for me. I don't know whether addressing these issues like this makes you feel better or worse, but I'm hoping trying to explain things will be better in the long run. I do think you are a special person." I don’t know how to respond, or if I should. What should I do? By the way, the middle of the day today, he sent me another e-mail and said, "For what it's worth, you did look beautiful Saturday night."
head/heels Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Email him a kind reply and thank you for the time together and move on with your life as best as you can. He is very clear in his email that he has complicated feelings and that he may need to get help. Let him do so and do not wait around for him. If he gets help, sees that he has made a mistake, he may call you. He may not. But you have to move on and treat yourself right now. 1
Crila16 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 25 or 65...doesn't matter. They're all capable of playing games and being a player. Just the fact that he got a 38 yr old...kudos to him. I'm honestly thinking there is somebody else involved. I don't care what he says in that letter. I personally think his letter is BS. He's trying to walk away like he "just wasn't feeling it". That's not true. There's another woman...I'm telling you. If he started to become distant after his trip...it's most likely he met someone there who is either new, or someone he was involved with prior to you. Men...especially men at his age, don't just dump girls for no one...especially if the sex is that good. Actually, men usually don't break up with women, unless they have someone else lined up. That's why you'll see men go from relationship to relationship. In the future. When you're dating someone that is continuously after 6 months, sending you sweet emails, and always feeding you pretty words. Be careful. Those are the players and cheaters. One thing I can promise you...take it out of your mind that you did anything. It's not you and there is nothing you did wrong to turn this guy off. He's just a selfish person and this explains why he's single still. We tend to want to blame ourselves for a breakup in order to get control over the situation, but there's nothing you did or could have done to keep him. I have a feeling he had something else going on before you. You just walked into a very bad situation.
pteromom Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Doesn't sound like a player to me. His letter seems very upfront and honest. He's basically saying that he doesn't feel as much for you as you seem to feel from him, so he wants to quit seeing you. Definitely is a break-up letter. You're a special person, but he doesn't want a relationship with you. Sorry... but yes, it's time for you to move on.
Mike_d Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 25 or 65...doesn't matter. They're all capable of playing games and being a player. where the h.ll did this come out of left field from??? no game in there, no player. reads like 100% honest feelings. maybe leave your own baggage at the door before picking up the broad brush so that you don't insult another of "them"
Author moviegurl Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Crila16, I'm fairly certain that there is no other woman. He's a prominent lawyer in a small town, and my friends who have known him for years have never known him to be involved with anyone. Also, I spent every weekend with him, plus lots of time with his two sons when they were visiting and some time with his parents, as I said. His mom, who lives in his neighborhood, was thrilled when she found out he was dating me, according to his son's girlfriend, especially because he hadn't been involved with anyone for so long. He didn't have anyone with him at the musical event we both attended this past Saturday, and he's on Facebook a lot now on the weekend, since we aren't seeing each other, at both daytime and nighttime hours. I simply think he's not seeing anyone.
Author moviegurl Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 So, pteromom thinks it's definitely a breakup letter. Some people on other forums have said different. One person said, "In my humble opinion... I think he wants to 'pump the brakes' in a sense. He obviously would like your divorce to become FINAL before you two take it to the next level. "It also seems to me, that he would like for U to make sure that you positively would like to pursue an ongoing relationship with him. He wants you to have your space to sort your legal affairs out and to bask in the light of your new found freedom. "In all this, he too is probably feeling a deep emotional connection to you. He is afraid of his feelings and has been reflecting on the last 6 months that you've shared. It doesn't sound as if he's felt such with anyone in a very long time.... "I would give him the space to sort out his feelings for you, let the divorce happen and let him contact you when he's ready. In the meantime, respond to his email and just state that you understand (even if you don't fully understand), and that you would like to keep any means of communication open, (i.e., emails, texts, in person, etc.) when/if he's comfortable or feels the need to make contact. Just give him some time, especially to miss you and to decide what he'd like the next move to be. But don't misinterpret everything to be about him. I think he's also concerned about you and what you may be feeling or going through as well. "Furthermore, the age gap may be a serious concern for him also. Though it's obvious to me that you prefer older men and have quite the experience with older men, based on the age of your stbx.. (soon to be ex). He could possibly still feel a sense of 'robbing you of your better years?' Just my two cents worth... Just be patient with him is the best advice that I can give. Hope everything works out for you. Stay positive." ------------------------------------------------------------ Someone else said: "It really sounds like the two of you have a special connection. "I think he is terrified of falling in love and being hurt. He might question how such a beautiful, young woman wants to be with him. "He is afraid, probably, of all those intense emotions that come with falling in love with someone. "Write to him. Tell him how you feel. Meet him inperson. See if he might be open to seeing a relationship counsellor to deal with his feelings." ------------------------------------------------------------ And a third person said, "It is possible that the finalisation of your divorce was a trigger. He may have wanted to give you time to consider things, but he could have said that explicitly. "I think I may have changed my mind a little on re-reading. I think it may be best to see him face to face, asap, if you think you can do that without getting angry or too frustrated? Tears are ok. "That way you would know for certain whether he is lying or not from his body language. He did offer that, so I would take him up on it. It might save weeks of heartache, as you might be able to deal effectively with whatever fears he has got? "If it is a break up letter, it is not totally clear. He is just expressing concerns about continuing as he was. "He has raised the issue of him not feeling happy with his state of mind, so you could ask him what solutions are available, and whether counselling could be a solution?" ------------------------------------------------------------ It is definitely a distancing letter, but it's confusing. What do the rest of you think?
Mike_d Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 trying to find logic within a message from someone who admits to being confused about their feelings is probably going to be tough to impossible. I think for me I'd be more concerned about the unilateral decision making that was going on for him where big things were happening for him yet he didn't seek you out to communicate and attempt to work through things, didn't lean on you as a partner in a relationship. Hard to tell if it's fear, or someone trying to protect you from him, some sort of age related realization that caused him to reconsider your relationship, or something else. he gave you the result of his thinking, but not much about the path he traveled to get there. but in the end, either way you have your message
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