RogerWallace111 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) So back having painful thoughts of her after almost 3 months, and a month of being pretty at ease with the situation (thought of her regularly but wasn't hurting much)... Background : My girl of 3.5 years, first love, ended our relationship on the grounds that she knew we weren't gonna go all the way right now (get married), and that splitting up would only hurt more if we put it off. This can be significantly attributed to my having broken up w/ her a year before, making it clear in so many words that I couldn't go all the way with my first serious girlfriend, and felt too young to be going down that path (yes, I asked for it, beside the point now). Anyway, outwardly she acted more upset than me, saying I'm her best friend and she "needs" me in her life, talking about how "someday" she hopes/thinks we can work out, saying "ok" to my goofy innebriated statement that someday I was going to marry her, etc. I tried to be friends for a week, and though I was sincere and conveyed my pain, didn't do anything to make myself out as unattractively needy or weak. After a week of her calling me I told her I couldn't truly move on as "friends", and that I would get a hold of her someday when I felt like friendship would be possible. Approaching 3 months since the breakup, nc for a week less, and feeling bummed today after feeling fine for a while. Basically: First couple weeks I was straight f*cked up, then felt ok with dull sadness for maybe 3 weeks, got back down in the dumps for 2, had been feeling good the past 3 or 4 since then, and now am hurting. Basically a two bad, three good, two bad, three good cycle... The last sad spell had been sparked off by the long drive home alone from a disappointing concert. Today, it was, of course, by facebook. I unfriended (but didn't block) her from there the day i stopped contact. I unsubscribed from mutual friends, etc. I haven't looked at her profile once, buuut, in a stupid moment I though of and pulled up her sisters (yes, obviously with some silly curiosity of what I might see). All it took was her sisters status about some concert, and my ex's comment on it saying "cool!", to get me down. It's like just seeing any "sign of life" from her would have done this. Basically went without one since going nc, and a couple of her friends even told me they were wondering about her, that she wasn't responding to texts/emails or calling them. That all facilitated keeping her memory distant from me, and just left me assuming she was busying herself with work & getting through the breakup in a hermit-ish way. I'll admit, though I don't "want" to have these sort of reminders, I have almost hoped for them at times in a self-destructive way. I'm guessing some people can relate ? For instance, there are times I've avoided traffic by taking a route that goes through the town she lives in, and all the while there's this little excitement like I want to run into her. Even though it'd no doubt screw with my head. Admittedly, some of that is probably just wanting her to see have to see me. I'm not the type who's praying for her unhappiness or thinking "I hope she's depressed and ruined" (in my heart I truly want things to go well for her), but I can't help but wonder a bit. Considering the past things I put her through that she somehow took me back after, unable to "live without me", I can assume she's at least a bit broken up. In fact more than likely, she's going through similar **** as me. Probably ok sometimes, not ok others... I'm curious what she assumes about me too. In one of the instances I referred to where she took me back after sh*ttyness on my end, for instance, she said stuff like "I was afraid you had just moved on", or that she "figured I was just loving the time with my friends, an had been hooking up with new girls". So I wonder what she wonders about me now ... lots of wonder. Comforting elements of the situation are, though, 1) she was right, i'm not getting married anytime soon, and do want to have some single time as a financially independent adult before getting all domestic, so this was the right thing to do. 2) Not on bad terms, wasn't a breakup based on any wrongdoing of mine, and I was able to atone for my past mistreatment of her. 3) Someday down the line (maybe a long time), when I get to where I want to be "friends", she's left that door open. 4) Though I am by no means clinging to it, the idea that our paths meeting again with better timing is even a remote possibility, is nice. 5) Most importantly... I've got my life where it should be and things are looking even further up in light of some risks I took that I know I wouldn't have had I not been in the "lone wolf" state of mind. The lack of a girlfriend has really rattled my former sense of complacency... Soooo, anyone relate to any of this ? Thoughts ? Needed to vent a bit Edited August 21, 2012 by RogerWallace111
Appleness Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Hey Roger, Hmmm, I feel where you're coming from. It's good that you're doing okay for the most part but try really really hard to stay away from facebook. It's evil in a time like this. I deactivated mine for a while just to get away from everything for a while. I am curious though... Why is a rule for you to not want to marry your first serious girlfriend? Did you always feel she wasn't good enough or is it that you just think someone better is bound to show up later? 1
Author RogerWallace111 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Good question... Let me think. There are definitely some undeniable reasons. OK. Mainly because I want to experience the affection, etc of other females. And prior to her (highschool and a year after), I was strictly dabbling- a week or month of casual hookups, no relationship or love. I was always kind of reserved/playing it cool with girls and she was the first i really opened up to and bared every f*cking aspect of myself to. So yeah, I just know, with the way I at times took her for granted in only a couple years of going out, that in time I would start to feel trapped if I were to marry in my early/mid twenties. And probably resent her in some way. Honestly, if she hadn't broken up with me, I would likely have done so in another 2 or 3 years out of being simply stircrazy, so she probably did the right thing as far as her mindset is concerned. I personally don't think a few more years together would make a breakup harder though, i think it would just let things "burn out" rather than be snuffed. The passion just wasn't gone yet. Thats part of what makes it particularly tough. If i were feeling like she were simply my companion, and the love had become sisterly or something, that would be easier to let go of. So yeah, I just feel like I would be always wondering about the experiences i could have had in my younger years if I were to be married through them. And then likely divorce in my late 30s just to be single again hahaa. If I could know that I had her waiting, and a wedding date planned 5 years down the line, I would take that. Of course that's ridiculous and selfish but I feel that way. Obviously I could/will meet a new chick who makes me scratch all that though... And that's what I wonder about. There are bound to be multiple other girls I could work with on a deep level, and I can't help but be curious. I am changing all the time as a person and if I stuck with the girl I met when i turned 20 forever I would be denying a certain part of myself experiences that it really wanted. As much as I ****ing love her and have had a part of me detroyed in losing her.
weallfalldown Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 hello mate. You will look back and realise she wasn't for you....we all disclose our deepest secrets sometimes, to who'm we love.....that's just the honesty in you my friend. it's hard, and it hurts sometimes, but you'll be fine in time, and don't go thinking it's some kind of game that you need to be over it asap, because that's just not the rules of nature, and the human mind!.... Get over it in your own time.....give yourself time.......... 1
Author RogerWallace111 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) hello mate. You will look back and realise she wasn't for you....we all disclose our deepest secrets sometimes, to who'm we love.....that's just the honesty in you my friend. it's hard, and it hurts sometimes, but you'll be fine in time, and don't go thinking it's some kind of game that you need to be over it asap, because that's just not the rules of nature, and the human mind!.... Get over it in your own time.....give yourself time.......... Realistically she was never the "type" of girl I imagined I would fall so in love with... She wasn't the kooky, adventurous, introspective, unique-taste-having person I consider myself, and that's the type I had been on the lookout for. My friends had suggested on numerous occasions that she was not the "type" for me, and was just too wholesome or not unique enough or something. I've never seen any logic in the idea of there being "the one" for everyone, and see there are just degrees of compatibility, chemistry, love, etc. I know I could have the same type of deep bond/connection with countless other girls, who might be more the style girl I picture myself with. I just miss her still as I was so in love with her and the confidence/strength being her man gave me. I loved doing things to make her happy, and help her. Loved being able to hold her and soothe her mind when she was hurting. And she was more sweet and caring to me than I ever previously imagined anyone would or could be. All that while being motivated & quite intelligent, though I didn't always give her enough credit for it. Now I have to readjust to where I can simply give fun, humor, and my most "cool" side to a new girl at some point. One who I really see as more fitting to me. And not just try to hastily seek out some needy girl whose world I can become the center of. Cause I feel that temptation i must admit... Edited August 21, 2012 by RogerWallace111
Author RogerWallace111 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 And meant to say, Apple, I often contemplate just deactivating my fb account but I've got people on there I need to be in touch with about my music & work, many of whom are overseas, etc... I'll just stay unfriended with her, unsubscribed from her friends, and not do any more curious browsing. What did I expect haaaa. Till then I hadn't seen or heard any sort of sign from her, so it seems to work alright.
flitzanu Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 i think you're holding on to a lost hope. it's been months, and everything she gave as an excuse for breaking up was utter crap. "someday" "maybe in the future" or any of that is just a nicer way to let you down without her having to feel guilty. its understandable that it sucks, and you're hurt, but all i can tell you is to drop the pretense. she's gone, and the simple fact that you refuse to block her on fb means you're not ready to let go. there's no glimmer left, block her, delete her sisters, remove her from your life. if you don't, you're going to keep revisiting this feeling over and over, my friend.
Author RogerWallace111 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 i think you're holding on to a lost hope. it's been months, and everything she gave as an excuse for breaking up was utter crap. "someday" "maybe in the future" or any of that is just a nicer way to let you down without her having to feel guilty. its understandable that it sucks, and you're hurt, but all i can tell you is to drop the pretense. she's gone, and the simple fact that you refuse to block her on fb means you're not ready to let go. there's no glimmer left, block her, delete her sisters, remove her from your life. if you don't, you're going to keep revisiting this feeling over and over, my friend. Nah fool. Just because I'm on this site doesn't mean I'm disillusioned or in denial. My hope is directed toward future prospects at this point. And her saying that **** wasn't any way of alleviating guilt. I'm not saying that out of pride or because it makes me feel good to paint a false picture on a website. She was protecting herself from me breaking up with her down the line (which I realistically would have had to so that's a respectable choice). I did it once and she knew the reasons I had then were still existent. In fact in her own words she thought that breaking up now made the possibility of us being together a few years down the line possible. Yes, it's a pleasant sentiment, but no, I'm not clinging to it, it's unlikely. If it somehow were to happen, it would be several years from now an I'm not the type to hold my breath. That's all beside the point though. **** is going splendidly in most aspects of my life, I still sometimes find myself missing my first love because it was amazing, but that's to be expected.
flitzanu Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 so she broke up with you to save you from having to break up with her in the future?
Author RogerWallace111 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 She wasn't trying to save me from anything. I think the fact that I had broken up with her prior, telling her that I wasn't the type who was gonna marry my first real girlfriend, and that I needed to experience other things in my younger years, weighed on her mind after we ended up back together. It wouldve on mine too if i were her, and I regret being so honest about my reasons. I opted for "experience other things" rather than "I wanna **** other girls", but I still regret being so truthful. In fact now that I'm thinking about it, it surprises me that she ever wanted to get back together with the lingering, unadressed pretense that going all the way wouldn't be an option. The whole situation was unfair to her. She had had boyfriends, knew what she wanted, and was ready for a bigger commitment. Considering the women I see on here who end things with guys simply because they won't assure her she's "the one" and that they want marriage, it's understandable.
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