Billy BB Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I posted here a few days ago on my breakup http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/341653-she-feeding-me-bones-just-incase My question is, and i dont know what my intentions are really at this moment, whether i want her to take me back, want her to finally figure out what my problems are, or just for me to have piece of mind that it wasn't her fault. I used to get molested alot when i was younger, say...7-9 years old. im 27 now. I have never told anyone about this, i dont even know if anyone else knows but me. It was the son of a gf that my father lived with. My gf used to comment 'something horrible happened to you when you were younger didn't it' and i used to get really mad and say no. it always happened when she would come up behind me and touch me on my back, or when i wasnt paying attention, reach for an eyelash on my cheek. i would always get aggressive and sometimes accidently hit her(not hard), and our sex life was kind of lacking because of it. she always said there was no emotion. i just need some help trying to decide if i should tell my ex this or not.
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I am really sorry you went through that. What do you hope to gain by telling her? What are the possible repercussions to you? Could she use it against you in any way? WOULD she use it against you in any way? Put a lot of thought into why you'd want to tell her. Personally, I would figure this out first: i dont know what my intentions are really at this moment, whether i want her to take me back, want her to finally figure out what my problems are, or just for me to have piece of mind that it wasn't her fault.
Author Billy BB Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 What do you hope to gain by telling her? What are the possible repercussions to you? Could she use it against you in any way? WOULD she use it against you in any way? That she can understand why i didn't always give her 100% physical attention, AND she will reconsider her break-up with me, in time. that she would say 'if you told me this 2 years ago, maybe things would be different, i hope you're honest with your next gf' no, she couldnt use it against me(unless she told her family) no, i honestly think she could keep it a secret if i asked her to
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 And what if you don't get the reaction you are hoping for? What if instead of being understanding, she says "That's no excuse for not being affectionate." and hangs up? What if she says "Thanks for sharing - by the way, I am seeing this new guy..." My point - if you are wanting to tell her to make HER feel better (it wasn't her fault), that's one thing. But if your reason for telling her is to try to win her back, I would think long and hard about it before sharing. Because you may not get the response you are hoping for.
TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 First of all, thank you for having the courage and dignity to relate your story here, on forum. It's a difficult thing to admit. if it helps you to expunge a section of guilt in your mind - notwithstanding my advice to you in your last thread - then write her a letter. (In fairness, i didn't know this at the time....) Just tell her, "I'm not necessarily hoping this will make a difference to your feelings at this late stage, but I just wanted to admit to you, that your instincts were right...." and explain what you told us, here.... finish off by saying, "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive the denial. I guess I'm telling you this now to perhaps try to explain that I'm not really the groundless bad-tempered insensitive jerk you may think I was. It took some courage to 'fess up and tell you this. Stupid really, of course I should have done it sooner. Who knows what, if I had....? If you want to reply, that's cool. If not, I understand. I'm not getting my hopes up - well, ok, I am, a bit - but that's the way of things.... Love, always, *name*" is just my take on it.....
Author Billy BB Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 i was thinking of doing this in person, of course i would probably tear up, ive been doing that alot lately, but you think an e-mail is better for this? i just feel like in person is alot more meaningful...
TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 It has it pluses and minuses.... Yes, F2F is probably more honest, direct and 'brave' - but as you say, you're more likely to become emotional and perhaps not put things in the way you'd like to word them, because of that.... In writing, it is more distant, but it means you can state your piece without interruption, word it the way you want to, and emotion won't impinge... and actually - I was thinking of a hand-written letter...on paper....in an envelope... with a stamp... you know.....
Tyler. Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Dude i'm really sorry for that, stay strong. But in the telling your ex situation, you first have to figure out what you expect from it. Do you want to get back together ? Was the break up all your fault (unlikely)? No matter what happened during a break up, getting back together so fast isn't usually the right thing to do. First try to think rationally about your relationship. Will it work out this time ? Yeah maybe she'll be more understanding about this but are there any other issues between you that needs to be fixed ? You have to figure these out first, and then make up your mind. Is this girl 'the one' ? If you think it will work out once it's all out in the open, go for it. You'll trust each other more. But if this was just one aspect of the issues, i say don't do it. If it's not gonna work out, and you're just expecting pity from her, don't. I'm not judging you or anything dude, it is what it is. As you said, she might keep it as a secret but if you guys are over, why would you tell her ? In short, make up your mind about the relationship first, then focus on this. I hope she's a trustworthy gal and won't betray your trust, but as long as you're exes, there is no point in sharing secrets. I know you just want to rationalise your behaviour during the relationship, and yeah you're right it is rational to act that way in your situation, but after a breakup, what either of you did or said doesn't really matter. It's just over, that's how life goes. Sorry about that but i'm just trying to help you, and no matter what happens, be strong. You're the most important person in the world for some people, be it your family, friends or anyone. Stay strong brother.
Author Billy BB Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 I asked if I could meet her in person so I could tell her, she doesn't know what it is, so she said I shouldn't have to tell her face to face, I could always call. I told her what you said about being insensitive and bad tempered, she responded with a sad face and 'why couldn't you tell me this before' but I didnt have an answer, I just said nobody knows. What do I do?? Ask her again to meet somewhere, don't tell her? Email? Why didn't I have an answer to her question
TaraMaiden Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I asked if I could meet her in person so I could tell her, she doesn't know what it is, so she said I shouldn't have to tell her face to face, I could always call. I told her what you said about being insensitive and bad tempered, she responded with a sad face and 'why couldn't you tell me this before' but I didnt have an answer, I just said nobody knows. What do I do?? Ask her again to meet somewhere, don't tell her? Email? Why didn't I have an answer to her question See, that's what I meant about the peaceful state of a letter... You can express yourself exactly the way you want to.... and to be honest - and let's be honest - you Do know why you couldn't tell her before. Because you were defensive, you put the shutters up, and you retreated into your internal "Big-guy den". you didn't want to admit this to yourself - let alone her... that would have been a sign of weakness [you subconsciously thought then] so denial was best - but it hurt that she'd sussed you out.... And admitting something like that takes a bit of manning up... and it hurts.
Author Billy BB Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 well i talked to her for an hour. she kind of expected bad news, so it didnt come as a complete shocker to her. i just told her i was telling her because i never told anyone, and i hoped that it would help me heal and be able to tell the next one. we talked about everything though, what were doing, where we want to live. should i go no contact from here? she ended the convo with 'well i have to take the dog out, and stuff, im sure ill talk to you soon, yeah.'
Recommended Posts