Billy BB Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Came to here to hopefully get some answers. It's a long story, but bear with me it all matters. Ex-Gf and I went to high school together(we're both 27), lockers next to each other, both went our seperate ways. Few years later she im'd me on AIM and we started talking, i lived in ny, she lived in providence. she had a bf, long story short, cheated on him with me to 'get out' of that relationship. cheated on her high school sweetheart with the that guy to get out of that one too. i had her and she was mine to lose, moved in together after a few months of seeing each other every weekend, been living with her for 5 years. i was ready to propose to her. it's what she wanted for a long time. She broke up with me 3 weeks ago, told me she still loves me but, if she stayed with me she would feel like she was settling. and she didnt want to feel that way. and she told me there was a 150% chance she would never change her mind. I left with a suitcase and have been at my fathers ever since. the day after the breakup i went to talk to her at her parents house, we both cried, but she insisted she wasnt going to change her mind. We texted each other almost every day, A few days later i asked her if she wanted to get lunch(expecting her to say no), we got lunch and went for a long walk and talked in the park about anything but us. it was amazing, and she said i smiled alot more than i have in the past. Then a week after that i told her i wanted to come down and sort our stuff, went and sat at a bar and had dinner, i could tell she didnt want to do it but she did anyways. it ended in her forcing me to leave. she went camping last weekend with friends(who brought their kids) from college, so i decided i could move out that weekend without her there. she sent me a text on the way and told me she was really bummed we couldnt do it together. while i was moving out i decided that maybe i could read her e-mail/check her facebook and find out something i didn;t know. she was talking to her first bf(who recently was married), from high school, almost every night after i went to sleep. she even video chatted with him. found out he was thinking about leaving his wife, and that they had 'met' each other at her parents dock to 'talk' a few weeks before the breakup. he is obsessed with her. since i moved out we still texted each other almost every day, sometimes she did it first, most of the time i did. a few days ago i asked if she wanted to do something this weekend, but she said it was too soon to hang out as friends. and then the contact stopped, and she's been posting pictures of herself on facebook all dolled up in makeup and curly hair. and asking people if they want to do something(desperately) neither of us blocked each other, she said it didnt matter if i returned the keys to the apartment because 'we have an extra set', she likes my posts on facebook. what's going on?!?! i want her back soooo much...Is she just messing with my head? making herself feel better?. she told me i should go find a girl in a bar and have sex with her "but wear a condom", in order to get over her...
TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Oh FFS, just go complete NC and have done with it....! Why torture yourself with checking in, keeping in touch and asking the interminably painful questions as to why and what, when plainly, you'll never get the answer that will satisfy? NC is not about them - it's about you. Quit asking questions nobody will ever be able to answer satisfactorily - and neither would she be able to, if you were to ask her.... Dumpers never have an answer that would satisfy you, because it's all primarily done to make them feel something, not you. Everything she does is an impulse on her part to make her life better. It's nothing to do with you, and if you hang on to every word, every gesture, every action - and try to discern the hidden meaning - you'll be in a strait jacket quicker than you can say 'Houdini'. Go NC. Stay NC. Do nothing to invite any contact from her whatsoever - and make sure that whichever avenue she chooses, she's blocked/ignored and deleted. then move on. Or rather - Now. 2
Future7 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Go NC. Stay NC. Do nothing to invite any contact from her whatsoever - and make sure that whichever avenue she chooses, she's blocked/ignored and deleted. then move on. Or rather - Now. TRUTH. NO CONTACT. IF you want any chance of being back with her stop all contact. She will then have to prove her trust back to you which in all honestly will be hard to do. But you must go no contact to help not only yourself, but make her see what she lost.
MyHeartTakesOver Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Let go of her. She doesn't know what she wants and has either a very immature concept of love if she has any. Only you can know whether she was for real at some point but in truth she left you long before she walked out of the door. Let go - only pain will come with holding on. 1
Author Billy BB Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 i should add that i was a smoker for 10 years, and i decided to quit the night of the breakup, and i havnt had one in 22 days, i think this is making it 100x worse than it probably is.
Author Billy BB Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 and that she recently lost her job due to office closing, so she is living on severance and unemployment, so she just sat home all day long in front of her phone/computer, and she wanted to 'take the summer off' and not look for work
Am313 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 (edited) You're still around and it makes it easier for her to move on. She has all the power right now, she dumped you, AND still gets to talk to you. How lucky! You are on a one way ticket to becoming a doormat. Maybe not intentionally, but it will happen inevitably. If you follow my advice, not only will you feel A LOT better, but you may get her back. First, DO NOT CALL, TEXT, EMAIL, FACEBOOK or anything else. NO CONTACT whatsoever. Delete her and mutual friends from Facebook, and STOP LOGGING INTO HERS!!!!!! That will drive you crazy, every text, every email, every message you read of hers will send you into a tailspin, so for your own sakes, STOP! She will call you, she will text, she will message. Ignore it, do not respond. She think you're moving on, and that's the point. You are moving on, you are healing, you are getting to a better place. At some point, she'll stop contacting you like crazy and realize that you're moving on. Then, most likely, she will be the most honest with you. Set boundaries for yourself. If she is honest with you and she wants things that you can't give or things that you don't want, be prepared to walk away. In the mean time, go work out, go get a haircut, buy some new clothes, HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS, and stop questioning everything. You will lose your mind. Trust me, I've been there before. I've lost 20 pounds, grew grey hair and started getting chest pains from all the stress. Just let go, trust me everything will be fine. FYI: If she cheated on last boyfriends to get out of a relationship, she'll do it again. I'm not saying she did it to you, but I am saying that she is capable of it. That's something you have to risk if you decide to date her again. But don't worry, if you follow my advice, there a good chance you will be the one making the decision if you want to get back or not. Good luck, PM me if you need anything. Edited August 18, 2012 by Am313
Dblock10 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 she told you there was a 150% chance she would NEVER change her mind she told you to go to a bar and find a girl to have SEX with and wear a condom... she has been speaking to her ex EVERY night while your asleep. please forget this slut
Author Billy BB Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 i honestly know i need to give her space, and i need to stop stalking her. but i don't know how, she is all i have ever known. she was there for 5 years, every single day and night. i cry at work for no reason. i'll cry just seeing something that reminds me of her. when someone tells you their life is in shambles, not sure what they are doing, their family told her it was the wrong decision, after they broke up with you, it's hard to not want to do whatever i can to tell her the perfect guy doesn't exist, and she's going to ruin her life without me. ugh...
Am313 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Ok, for one you don't want to date someone whose life would be ruined without someone else in it. For two, stop thinking you're this girls savior, you're not. At the end of the day, you're her ex-boyfriend. Let that sink in for a moment. Good? Good. You don't know how to stop stalking? You just simply stop. Trust me and everyone else who has been there before: You are making it a thousand times harder if you keep doing what you're doing. You'll hurt so much worse, and you'll never get her back.
Author Billy BB Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 wow. thanks am313. I really am just her ex-bf, nothing more. I really just need to find something to occupy my time to get me away from computer/phone. She was really my only friend, as i picked up an moved to be with her and left everything behind. So going out with 'friends' really isn't an option. I decided getting a trainer/joining a gym would be a smart thing for me to do, even if it's for an hour, 3 times a week. And i'm going to start looking for a place for myself, (really liked the neighborhood we lived in, but i know i would run into her on the street). it would give me alot of time to furnish/decorate, invite people over, just pass the time.
Am313 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) Right now it's about you, not anyone else. It's going to be tough, but I promise you WILL BE OK!! Right now you'll have to take it hour by hour, but in a few days it will be longer than that, and in a few weeks you'll be taking it day by day. You will be ok. I can't make any promises, but no contact is the only way she'll miss you. You have to not only not contact her, but you also have to ignore her when she calls, and she will. If you accidently run into her, just say hi and keep walking, if she insists on talking, tell her you're busy and then proceed to continue walking away. Women love attention, and when you take it away it makes them crazy. Let her feel a little crazy. Give her space so she can remember what a good guy you are, so she can remember how happy you made her. Let her realize what she's lost. I promise you, even if she doesn't come banging down your door anytime soon, she will eventually realize what life is like without you, but the only way that's possible is if she actually lives life without you. She can't miss you if you're always there for her. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it's not. Remember, she broke up with you, so don't help her feel better about it. Let her live with the mess she made. She'll be back, 5 years doesn't get thrown out the window that easily. But for God's sakes, save yourself the torture and don't have any contact and don't log into her accounts. Change the passwords to something you won't remember. I've done that before, and it was the smartest thing I've ever done. You'll make some friends so long as you try. What hobbies do you like? Join meetup.com and find groups that do really awesome stuff. You'll meet people, have fun, and have a distraction for awhile. If you're feeling weak, come back here and post and we'll watch out for you. Edited August 19, 2012 by Am313
Jennifer2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Wait, this person has cheated multiple times before, can't respect the boundaries of your relationship, plays with your emotions and and has told you straight out that marrying you would be "settling" and that she will never change her mind. Why on earth would you ever want to pursue a relationship with someone like this?
sam2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 wow. thanks am313. I really am just her ex-bf, nothing more. I really just need to find something to occupy my time to get me away from computer/phone. She was really my only friend, My god I am there right now. I'm here desperate to hear from her. Wondering how she can go through the day without texting me all the time like before. We used to be in constant contact and now it's like she can just cope without it I'm so tempted to text her. I too have nothing else to do, no friends, no hobbies. Just sat here on the computer, thinking of her. Yet what Am313 says about giving her space makes so much sense. Just actually doing it, minute after minute, hour after hour is so hard.
Am313 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I too have nothing else to do, no friends, no hobbies. Just sat here on the computer, thinking of her. . No offense, but that may have been the cause of your break up. You need to have your own life apart from her. You need to be happy with yourself, because honestly, no one else can make you happy. Women need a guy who is confident, independent, and has a life of their own. They need you to be the happy one who is in control of their emotions and insecurities. The emotional and insecure thing is what the woman does, not the man. Work on yourself, it's get better.
sam2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 No offense, but that may have been the cause of your break up. You need to have your own life apart from her. You need to be happy with yourself, because honestly, no one else can make you happy. Women need a guy who is confident, independent, and has a life of their own. They need you to be the happy one who is in control of their emotions and insecurities. The emotional and insecure thing is what the woman does, not the man. Work on yourself, it's get better. Yeah I know this is the big problem. Just never had it before and was OK with it. Now not having it makes this heartbreak so much harder.
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 .... You need to be happy with yourself, because honestly, no one else can make you happy. This is 100% spot-on... Women need a guy who is confident, independent, and has a life of their own. To a certain extent yes - but if that confident independence makes a life on their own more important than the relationship - then something is wrong, and neglect creeps in. There needs to be a balance of priorities, with healthy compromise.... They need you to be the happy one who is in control of their emotions and insecurities. True.... The emotional and insecure thing is what the woman does, not the man. false. If that were true, the dominance of posts would be from women. It's a poor quality, in either sex.
Am313 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 TaraMaiden, You are right, my apologies. What I meant was that women typically are the ones with less control of their emotions and their insecurities are not as easily tamed. What I should of said is that when women get emotional and start pushing away, being angry, etc. the man needs to be ok with her as she goes through this and not be pushed away, hurt, upset at how she is acting. Being her rock, so to speak. I've been learning how to do that and I'm still trying to get better, because it's a necessary thing I'll have to do in any relationship if I want my mate to trust me.
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 TaraMaiden, You are right, my apologies. .... none are necessary. I pretty much figured it wasn't precisely what you meant, but that you were posting with direct relevance to the OP... just thought I'd 'embellish'...
Author Billy BB Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 it's just funny how everyones advice is to do something for myself. spend time finding myself. our whole relationship she told me over and over she hated how independant i was, how i could do things on my own and be ok with not wanting to go here with her, or do this with her. when the whole time all i wanted was to spend it with her, and now that im single again, i can't do anything for myself or on my own. i love to cook, but i dont anymore because i always cooked for her, and to make her smile. i used to go to bed without her and it would always make her sad, but i was tired and i knew she would be there when i woke up. so i started sleeping in a twin bed instead of a queen so i can't roll over in the middle of the night to wrap my arm around her. i used to browse sports websites every night after dinner, checking the scores, and she would get really upset i wasnt sitting next to her watching the movie she just rented, or playing a game with her. now i could care less about reading a sports blog. maybe this was the real reason, we got to comfortable, but she needs more excitement and attention in her life.
Dblock10 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 it's just funny how everyones advice is to do something for myself. spend time finding myself. our whole relationship she told me over and over she hated how independant i was, how i could do things on my own and be ok with not wanting to go here with her, or do this with her. when the whole time all i wanted was to spend it with her, and now that im single again, i can't do anything for myself or on my own. i love to cook, but i dont anymore because i always cooked for her, and to make her smile. i used to go to bed without her and it would always make her sad, but i was tired and i knew she would be there when i woke up. so i started sleeping in a twin bed instead of a queen so i can't roll over in the middle of the night to wrap my arm around her. i used to browse sports websites every night after dinner, checking the scores, and she would get really upset i wasnt sitting next to her watching the movie she just rented, or playing a game with her. now i could care less about reading a sports blog. maybe this was the real reason, we got to comfortable, but she needs more excitement and attention in her life. it happens dude and all you can do is learn from your mistakes. im glad i learnt all of this from my first failed relationship. its meant i have no regrets the next time round and i know im giving my all
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