tori0001 Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I met this guy on a dating site, and last week we went out on a date. We seem to like one another. We are planning to go out on our second date at the end of this week. I just have some concerns in terms of living arrangements. By that I mean, he says he's separated and going through a divorce. Right now as per his lawyer who said don't move out, he's living down stairs in his house, separate from his wife. I wonder if this is all on the up and up. I actually questioned him again about it, asking him why he doesn't move out. He said it was as per his lawyer who says it's not a good idea. Wondering what you guys think. To add, I know some people will say don't date someone who's separated, Idk, it seems to be taboo or something. Well I'm separated, not divorced, and never will divorce for financial reasons.
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 It sounds like it could be legit, but I wouldn't date someone who is THAT newly out of a relationship. At that stage, he hasn't even had time to process what went wrong in his marriage and what his part in it was. So living with his wife is just part of a much bigger red flag for me.
Blueflames Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I agree with ptero, I wouldn't recommend ( seriously ) dating anyone who still lives with their former partner.
soccerrprp Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 It sounds like it could be legit, but I wouldn't date someone who is THAT newly out of a relationship. At that stage, he hasn't even had time to process what went wrong in his marriage and what his part in it was. So living with his wife is just part of a much bigger red flag for me. THE GUY ISN"T EVEN DIVORCED YET! You're okay with dating someone who: 1. Is not single, legally, yet... 2. Hasn't even completely removed himself from this relationship 3. Is still living in the same house with is "future" ex ???
Author tori0001 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 I'm not single legally, but have been separated for 2 years. Like I said I wont divorce for financial reasons. Who knows what will happen in the future in terms of dating him. I just wanted to know if it sounded on the up and up.
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I'm not single legally, but have been separated for 2 years. Like I said I wont divorce for financial reasons. Who knows what will happen in the future in terms of dating him. I just wanted to know if it sounded on the up and up. You can't relate your situation to this guy's though. In your case, you've been separated for 2 years. Whether or not you divorce, you are likely mentally and emotionally ready for a relationship. This guy is still living with his wife. He hasn't even had an opportunity to be on his own after his marriage. As far as whether it is on the up and up.... it could be true. Or he could be still with his wife, or going to counseling to try to fix things, or trying desperately to win her back. No way to know really. 1
veggirl Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 still married- dealbreaker living with ex- dealbreaker Why, exactly, does his lawyer say he needs to stay in the house?
Author tori0001 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Financial reasons he says. Which could be true. This is why I wont divorce. If I do I loose health insurance.
Author tori0001 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 It's weird how well he treats me.
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 It's weird how well he treats me. I don't think it is that weird. When you are in an unhappy marriage, you have a lot of pent up love you want to share. That still doesn't mean he's ready to be in a new relationship.
Author tori0001 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 before we went out on a date we talked about what we where looking for, and we both agreed, just friendship, nothing serious. we are both too busy with our personal lives to get involved that way. hence it will never be that serious relationship. just light and casual.
veggirl Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 So you are both on a dating site but just looking for friends? Not sure why you go on dates if you are just going to be friends? I don't go on dates with my friends. I'd be careful of becoming this guys rebound...
Author tori0001 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 As I stated, my personal life is drama, a zoo. I can't explain more then that. It would not be fair to even drag a relationship into it. I still want male companionship. Someone who understands what I'm looking for, as he does, he wants the same. It works out perfect. If I am his rebound, no regrets only because I learned things from him, new ideas, new places, culture. It's not a loss, but an experience.I'll take it one date at a time. I wanted to make sure he on the up and up about his home life.
RedRobin Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Simple. Ask to talk to his wife. If he is telling the truth and he is dating openly, he should have no problems putting her on the phone. Even better is if you make this request in person so you can see the look on his face. If you get a deer in the headlights look, you have your answer.
The Way I Am Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 We can only guess whether he's being truthful about why he still lives with his wife. He could be flat out lying, and she thinks they're still happily married. Wouldn't be the first time a guy lied to a woman about the status of his marriage. You ought to be able to find examples in the Other Woman forum. I agree with RedRobin. The only way I can think of to know if he's on the up and up is to ask him to talk to his wife.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 i doubt it's on the up on up, he sounds wishy washy. But fact of the matter is you're going to relate your own personal situation thinking that somehow dictates or determines what he's been through and why he's staying with her. I doubt he's going to be completely honest with you before he sees the intimacy level between you two, only slowly and little by little will you get the actual truth...especially If you just sit back and settle for simplistic answers. If you really want to know the truth spend part of your next date getting absolute clarity out of his situation and go with your gut feeling, I would expect him to lie to you and for some reason women love to believe every word men say as If it's the golden truth but If he's actually genuine and honest he'll have no issues going through the details and explaining his exact situation especially If you share yours yourself. Then If you actually like each other then you can continue on without this huge elephant in the room. But then again most people like to sacrifice communication for the sake of instant gratification and just "seeing where it goes" or "hope" as If magic makes relationships. Just don't be surprised when you're blindsided by a truck and the fantasy bubble is popped.
Author tori0001 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 I wouldn't have posted on here if it wasn't still bothering me. When I asked him again, he sounded a bit annoyed, and he's like I told you. I want to believe it's the truth. Considering my other dates where poofers, I honestly never expected a second date. I know I'll ask him again, but I want to do tactfully.
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I met this guy on a dating site, and last week we went out on a date. We seem to like one another. We are planning to go out on our second date at the end of this week. I just have some concerns in terms of living arrangements. By that I mean, he says he's separated and going through a divorce. Right now as per his lawyer who said don't move out, he's living down stairs in his house, separate from his wife. I wonder if this is all on the up and up. I actually questioned him again about it, asking him why he doesn't move out. He said it was as per his lawyer who says it's not a good idea. Wondering what you guys think. To add, I know some people will say don't date someone who's separated, Idk, it seems to be taboo or something. Well I'm separated, not divorced, and never will divorce for financial reasons. I believe I replied to your previous thread on this. Firstly, if you will never divorce for financial reasons it means you are going into dating with the wrong attitude and duping people as you are not ready to let go of your past. I am a divorcee, divorce put me in a very difficult position financially for two years but I worked through it. There is no such thing as 'never divorcing for financial reasons'. Secondly, what the hell does it means his lawyers said it wasn't a good idea? It sounds to me that both of you are in a very messy situation and are not ready for a serious relationship. Since you are not ready to move on OP, you are clearly not looking for anything serious therefore I'm not sure why the questions. Clearly - as you are not ready to divorce - you are not ready for commitment, hence you only want something casual?
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 As I stated, my personal life is drama, a zoo. I can't explain more then that. It would not be fair to even drag a relationship into it. I still want male companionship. Someone who understands what I'm looking for, as he does, he wants the same. It works out perfect. If I am his rebound, no regrets only because I learned things from him, new ideas, new places, culture. It's not a loss, but an experience.I'll take it one date at a time. I wanted to make sure he on the up and up about his home life. So you want casual. Who cares what his set up is? You only want sex from him.
Author tori0001 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 It has nothing to do with sex. It never crossed my mind. It's the furthest thing from it. You don't know me. I want a casual relationship because of my life right now, which by the way has nothing to do with my husband. Yes my home life is in chaos. If you must know it would not be fair to bring a serious relationship right now into my life because of my son, grand kids, sons kids, sons gf, all living under my roof, my supporting them. Someone I see and talk to once a while is what will work. By the way I've already let go of my past, again you don't know me, so stop making assumptions. I need health insurance, hence the reason why we wont divorce. So I'm covered. He's moved on, so have I.
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 It has nothing to do with sex. It never crossed my mind. It's the furthest thing from it. You don't know me. I want a casual relationship because of my life right now, which by the way has nothing to do with my husband. A sexless casual relationship? That's a friendship. You need dates for that because .... You care about your 'date's' home situation because.... Yes my home life is in chaos. If you must know it would not be fair to bring a serious relationship right now into my life because of my son, grand kids, sons kids, sons gf, all living under my roof, my supporting them. Maybe time for them to stand on their own feet, non? Someone I see and talk to once a while is what will work. Sure, that's what friends are for. Are you looking for friendship? By the way I've already let go of my past, again you don't know me, so stop making assumptions. I need health insurance, hence the reason why we wont divorce. So I'm covered. He's moved on, so have I. I know the system is different in the US than in the UK in terms of health insurance. There are various supporting sections here that might be able to deal with your options. I don't know how old you are and what employment is like in your area but work could be an option? Not supporting a young family could be another option?
Author tori0001 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 I've given out too much personal info as it is. I'm helping my family out, they have no place to go. I do work, I'm self employed. Until things change in my home life, hopefully someday. I'm looking for someone who is understanding about my life, and wants something simple. As I said with my home life, there's no way it could be more. Lets say down the road it became serious, there's no way it would work.
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I've given out too much personal info as it is. I'm helping my family out, they have no place to go. I do work, I'm self employed. Until things change in my home life, hopefully someday. I'm looking for someone who is understanding about my life, and wants something simple. As I said with my home life, there's no way it could be more. Lets say down the road it became serious, there's no way it would work. Fair enough. I suppose the question is still whether friendships would work for you better than faux-relationships. That's for you to decide of course.
hurting tonight Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) For now yes. Hopefully I won't become emotionally attached. Edited August 21, 2012 by hurting tonight
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