Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship

[livelife]

We began talking in January, hit things off right off the bat. had a stupid argument in June which led to the breakup, but it was an accident. I went over to his house at 5 am right after to talk to him and take it back and make it work and he was so upset. We went over the summer talking still kinda seeing eachother. Around september things got really good for us. Like really good. it was like our old relationship. Then I brought up the "being official" comment because I had seen him email people and refer to me as his girlfriend. He told me we still had thigns to figure out, and he would think about how to word it and get back to me. A day passed and I didn't hear from him so I freaked out ( something I did that was a problem in our old relationship) Pushed him for an answer as to why he was ignoring me, he got fed up said he told me we need a break so I can fix these old problems of mine ( not trusting him, overreacting, etc.) Anyways, I don't trust him because i'm constanty hearing he is talking to this girl or this girl. We've been seeing eachother hanging out but nothing official obviously, but He has an anonymous account, our most recent problem. He knows I know about this account. On this account, a girl from Kentucky with the twitter name , "Big Booty Judy, I kid you not, tweets all the time to him about sex and how "we need to do this"

 

Well, this was about 2 months ago she posts a pic of some of their messages and it was NOT OKAY the things he was saying to him. I call him out on it, he says she is trying to make her ex boyfriend jealous. I didn't believe it so I dropped it and just tried to be happy.

Well, about a week later I see her posting about how she is driving to our state, Georgia, to visit him. I thought okay she knows about me she is trying to get a rise out of me.

Well, When I head home from work, I see her car there.

 

Some of my shorts were there so I went to his door, out of impulse walk in ask where she is, and slap him across the face and walk out. he blew up my phone that night calling me and we had an hour long convo about me saying how ****ty he treats me and how bad he makes me feel. He told me to calm down and talk to him when I do. About 3 days later he says it is over and that me laying my hand on him ended it, I apologized for that and he accepted it. Well, about 2 weeks after that I had a shirt of his so he came over to pick it up. We ended up kissing and he said we have things we need to figure out. He said we will sit down and talk about it.

 

My semi-formal for my sorority was last night. I had asked him months ago to be my date and he said he would. As the breaks were happening it was obvious he wasn't going to be, but I still wanted him to be. So as the week was going on I was asking him if we would talk and he said he was so busy he didn't know. I said okay well I would like to talk to you before my semi. He kept saying "all you care about is your semi blah blah blah" So He never made time for me and I didn't see him so I asked another guy last minute that my friend introduced me to for the sole reason of having someone to go with. Today, I see him. And he is pissed off at me for "going on a double date( I didnt, we hung out for an hour at my friends house so I could meet him" and for taking this guy to semi. I explained why I did and he just didn't believe me. Well, little did I know, he has invited another girl from Twitter that he didn't know over. She is from a closer state, but still HE DOESNT KNOW HER. She is currently staying the weekend. When I found out I blew up his phone and told him off. He has ignored me all day. He is now posting on twitter that I started following today, so he knows that, that " It is a perfect night because he is with his girl"

 

He just met her YESTERDAY. Why is he doing this? Advice? I want to be happy again and he makes me so pissed off.

[livelife]

great post!

[livelife]

Sorry about that long post. Please disregard it

[oracle]

You need to learn to let go of him and walk away. Its a messy situation that won't improve.

 

You need to get yourself sorted out. To be honest you seem like an emotional mess, the fact you hit him makes that clear.

 

You need to calm down and get centered and re-read what I have spoke about. You need to step back an apply the three rules to him, to your relationship and to YOU.

 

Find a way to control your emotional responses so you don't wind up in similar scenarios.

 

Best of luck and thanks for writing.

 

 

 

We began talking in January, hit things off right off the bat. had a stupid argument in June which led to the breakup, but it was an accident. I went over to his house at 5 am right after to talk to him and take it back and make it work and he was so upset. We went over the summer talking still kinda seeing eachother. Around september things got really good for us. Like really good. it was like our old relationship. Then I brought up the "being official" comment because I had seen him email people and refer to me as his girlfriend. He told me we still had thigns to figure out, and he would think about how to word it and get back to me. A day passed and I didn't hear from him so I freaked out ( something I did that was a problem in our old relationship) Pushed him for an answer as to why he was ignoring me, he got fed up said he told me we need a break so I can fix these old problems of mine ( not trusting him, overreacting, etc.) Anyways, I don't trust him because i'm constanty hearing he is talking to this girl or this girl. We've been seeing eachother hanging out but nothing official obviously, but He has an anonymous account, our most recent problem. He knows I know about this account. On this account, a girl from Kentucky with the twitter name , "Big Booty Judy, I kid you not, tweets all the time to him about sex and how "we need to do this"

 

Well, this was about 2 months ago she posts a pic of some of their messages and it was NOT OKAY the things he was saying to him. I call him out on it, he says she is trying to make her ex boyfriend jealous. I didn't believe it so I dropped it and just tried to be happy.

Well, about a week later I see her posting about how she is driving to our state, Georgia, to visit him. I thought okay she knows about me she is trying to get a rise out of me.

Well, When I head home from work, I see her car there.

 

Some of my shorts were there so I went to his door, out of impulse walk in ask where she is, and slap him across the face and walk out. he blew up my phone that night calling me and we had an hour long convo about me saying how ****ty he treats me and how bad he makes me feel. He told me to calm down and talk to him when I do. About 3 days later he says it is over and that me laying my hand on him ended it, I apologized for that and he accepted it. Well, about 2 weeks after that I had a shirt of his so he came over to pick it up. We ended up kissing and he said we have things we need to figure out. He said we will sit down and talk about it.

 

My semi-formal for my sorority was last night. I had asked him months ago to be my date and he said he would. As the breaks were happening it was obvious he wasn't going to be, but I still wanted him to be. So as the week was going on I was asking him if we would talk and he said he was so busy he didn't know. I said okay well I would like to talk to you before my semi. He kept saying "all you care about is your semi blah blah blah" So He never made time for me and I didn't see him so I asked another guy last minute that my friend introduced me to for the sole reason of having someone to go with. Today, I see him. And he is pissed off at me for "going on a double date( I didnt, we hung out for an hour at my friends house so I could meet him" and for taking this guy to semi. I explained why I did and he just didn't believe me. Well, little did I know, he has invited another girl from Twitter that he didn't know over. She is from a closer state, but still HE DOESNT KNOW HER. She is currently staying the weekend. When I found out I blew up his phone and told him off. He has ignored me all day. He is now posting on twitter that I started following today, so he knows that, that " It is a perfect night because he is with his girl"

 

He just met her YESTERDAY. Why is he doing this? Advice? I want to be happy again and he makes me so pissed off.

[sissy88]

My best advice is overthinking why it ended. Life only moves on, for them, and for you. It better not stop, or you'll get to live in the past...and that sucks for anyone, for both.

Another thing that really helps is realizing why it hurts you so much, besides the deep loving not just physical-wise. Why it hurts you, think about this, 1 or 2 or 5 or 10 years, why it hurt you. Sometimes you'll realize this person wasn't that great as you made or make them out to be in your mind, and what you lost was just being rejected. Then you realize you always think of this person because it was the one who rejected you first in your life, or most deeply. And that doesnt mean you both should be together...if it doesnt work between you 2, dont force it...you might end divorced or breaking each other again.

Do what your passionate about and move on, love is everywhere bc we are all human. Figure what is it you want in a relationship, keeping it real. Romance. Stability. Love. Friendship. Building a home together. Maybe the other person doesnt even want the same things...so its not a loss, or its a good loss.

[oracle]

Eventually though you need to STOP asking the WHY questions. You need to see if for what it is and admit that it won't change and that its done.

 

 

My best advice is overthinking why it ended. Life only moves on, for them, and for you. It better not stop, or you'll get to live in the past...and that sucks for anyone, for both.

Another thing that really helps is realizing why it hurts you so much, besides the deep loving not just physical-wise. Why it hurts you, think about this, 1 or 2 or 5 or 10 years, why it hurt you. Sometimes you'll realize this person wasn't that great as you made or make them out to be in your mind, and what you lost was just being rejected. Then you realize you always think of this person because it was the one who rejected you first in your life, or most deeply. And that doesnt mean you both should be together...if it doesnt work between you 2, dont force it...you might end divorced or breaking each other again.

Do what your passionate about and move on, love is everywhere bc we are all human. Figure what is it you want in a relationship, keeping it real. Romance. Stability. Love. Friendship. Building a home together. Maybe the other person doesnt even want the same things...so its not a loss, or its a good loss.

[Gilly08]

My husband of 12 yrs dumped me by a text friday on our sons 10th birthday, I'm scared, confused. I don't know why. He took about a weeks worth of clothes. I've packed all of his stuff up. We spoke briefly today, because my uncle passed last night. He said he is going to get are son tomorrow to let him know that he is still going to be there for him. I keep thinking of all the things I did wrong. We didn't fight. I let him hangout with his friends and trusted him completely. I feel like I was a good wife. Maybe got a little boring. But he asked about his clothes. Do I just give them to him? Is it really over? I don't work, he has supported us. I don't know what to do. Please someone help me.

[oracle]

Wow.. thats like getting hit by a garbage truck. I am so sorry.

 

First thing you do is stay strong, show no weakness. What he has done is outta left field, and you don't know where his mind set is at or how it will play out so prepare for everything.. don't think.. yet

 

Second thing you do is go get a lawyer.. a GOOD lawyer. Tomorrow.

 

Most lawyers will do a free consult with you.. You go over your history, assets, accounts, who paid what.. how he supported you.. Get a clear picture on what you are entitled to for you and your son. Hell I would go see 3 lawyers.. pick the three best, that way he can't use them.

 

Once you get a clearer understanding of that situation then talk to him and find out WTF is going on. DO NOT TELL HIM you have been to a lawyer.

 

 

Hang in there, and keep us posted

 

My husband of 12 yrs dumped me by a text friday on our sons 10th birthday, I'm scared, confused. I don't know why. He took about a weeks worth of clothes. I've packed all of his stuff up. We spoke briefly today, because my uncle passed last night. He said he is going to get are son tomorrow to let him know that he is still going to be there for him. I keep thinking of all the things I did wrong. We didn't fight. I let him hangout with his friends and trusted him completely. I feel like I was a good wife. Maybe got a little boring. But he asked about his clothes. Do I just give them to him? Is it really over? I don't work, he has supported us. I don't know what to do. Please someone help me.

[sadpanda87]

i do agree on the most part. its just difficult. to completely understand and accept

[fiat500]

this topic has been a major eye opener for me.

 

i've had the same thoughts..just not as organized and so eloquently put as yours.

 

sometimes you end up settling for things because it's comfortable or it's the only thing you know. i've run into this in past relationships. i could be wrong..but it seems like you were more giving in the relationship than your partner was?

 

and you're right about the whole partner on a pedestal thing. after a relationship ends you tend to love them more ..or think you love them more than at any point in the real relationship since your mind is dealing with the loss of not having them around the way you're used to anymore

[destroyed4sho]

I can very much relate to the circumstances here. My same sex partner and I are very close but the problem comes in the form of our feelings for each other. I think the best way of moving on is to just say I'm still in love with this person but we can't be together. End of story. It's awful but I think it heals things much faster.

I don't understand how you can possible say to your ex or to yourself that you still love them especially if you are the one that dumped them. If you had Real Love for that person you would not of dumped them. Even if you were the dumpee eventually you fall out of love bc they the love is not reciprocated. So no, DO NOT say that you love them when its obvious that you dont. It makes matters more confusing and unsettling especially for the dumpee.

[inforests]

Thought I would share my thoughts with you all.. I have been there and still am in many ways.

 

Over the last 2 years my friend and I have developed 3 rules that one can apply to pretty much any aspect of life.. Sadly so far I haven't been able to prove them wrong. They seem infaliable, like the pope ;P (sarcasm alert for those of u that are a tad slow)

 

Anyways, before I get to that.. here is my background....

 

Was in a monogamous same sex relationship (and stfu all u haters) for 13 years, since we were both 19. In the gay world, thats virutally unheard of -I F***ing feel like I deserve a medal just for that alone. We had a good life - big estate, high end cars, travelled several times a year - blah blah.. all the stuff everyone dreams of but never usually gets. We both worked from home so we were together 24/7 both being guys we were buddies and lovers and we did absolutely everything together. It was always a battle though, never easy and we always fought lots but always stayed together. Anyway I always thought it would go the distance.. we would grow old together. Not wanting to give away to much personal details and drag this out - We came to an end and not for infidelity or the usual 'gay culture' culprits - but not in a clean break kinda way. More like a messy twilightzone want to shoot yourself in the face everyday kinda way. We worked together for almost 1 year after ending while we liquidated the one shared business, and we still live together while we sell our primary residence. Ya, f*cked up i know. We are both stubborn.

 

The journey to this point has been up and down. At times it could be fairly brutal. This is what I have come to realize in the past two years and I call them the three rules, you can apply them to everything.

 

Rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems.

 

- Pretty simple, period. Your happy neighbors next door, your parents, and even your spouse - you really don't have a clear idea of the true reality of things. You build up ideas in your head based on your perceptions of others. People fake it, and your mind takes broad liberties when filling in the blanks. Let me put it this way.. If I pulled up next to you in my hummer with one of my hot female friends, you wouldn't think I like to suck d*ck. Nothing is as it seems. Moving on...

 

Rule 2 - Possession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

- 'Huh?' you say - Ya, ok let me put it this way. The hottest Guy / Girl is usually the one that is waving good-bye. Rule 2 is my favourite, cause its so true. We want what we can't have, and when we have it we tend to not want it is much anymore or take it for granted. That extra hard longing you feel is cause they just kicked ur ass to the curb. You have the blinders on and you are kneeling before that idealized version of them you have placed high up on that pedestal in your mind.

 

Rule 3 - Expectations are the source of disappointment.

 

- I know it sounds cynical, but all roads lead here. Im sure you are doing mental gymnastics right now, imagining how he or she is the one and its meant to be and things are gonna be different and you will change etc. etc. etc. Keep doing it.. keep building up the dream cause ur just gonna crash harder when you fall from those lofty heights. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.... there is a process you go thru.. and it sucks ass, but sadly there is no short cut.

 

Additional doses of reality:

 

(A) There is no such thing as the one. im sorry.. if you believe that you're.. well.. dumb, and f*cking your self in the long run. Dan Savage puts it best.... there is no "the one." there are "ones"... actually more like .84s and you round up to 1.0, cause you don't settle down without a little settling for. I sold myself on that one bull**** too... then while dating over the last two years, I learned that I could love new people and experience new things. Keep in mind i did this while still living a fairly domestic life with my ex and still loving him as well. I can guarnete you it will never be the same... ever, but it is different. I love my ex and always will, and im sure he loves me still too in his way, but our time is done.

 

(B) Nothing is meant to be. There is no master plan.. its all f*cking random. You aren't entitled to anything, you aren't suppoed to be living a better life, there isn't a purpose or a specifically designed lesson for your current suffereing... it just is. Im sure a lot of you religious folk are coming off the ground right now... save me the sermon I really don't care. All one has to do it look around at the world.... there are millions of people who got the real short end of the stick when they turned up on this planet; Severely handicapp, raped and brutally killed as children.. things along those lines - so If there is someone with some "master plan" for us all, well he either is completely incompetent, or just really doesn't give a f*ck. And don't give me the 'free will' talk, that is a lazy cop-out blanket excuse that is the arguement of last resort invoked by the pious.

 

© People don't change. They don't. People can alter their behaviour or beliefs, but they don't change their core personality traits. Understand these do evolve with age, but they don't drift very far from where they started.

 

So there we go.

 

What you are feeling now really comes down to attachment. Its a natual human experience that is necessary for the survival of our species. Its part of us all and its a force to be reckoned with.. Letting go is hard, what can I say. But thats life. Nothing lasts forever - not you nor I.

 

Things do get better. You won't wake up one day having turned a corner and everything is smooth sailing from there on in. I still have my dark days now and then but it improves.

 

I don't care if you like what I have had to say or don't. Its my experience and what I think. Its not right, its not wrong. Its just some guy thats come thru lifes a** hole, and sharing his take on it all.I haven't gone into a lot of detail about the events that unfolded for me, but rest assured its made for tv movie worthy. Luckily most of you arent going to have to endure what I did. So I can assure you... you are going to be ok.

 

You are stronger than you think, and with enough time you can get used to anything. Seriously..... Breathe, cause sh *t gets better... apparently.

 

Oracle, I would have done this through a private message but I am not sure if I can yet being so new to the site...I don't even know if there are PMs here. Anyway, the point is this: your advice rocks! Your three rules and many, many of your other posts have been extremely helpful in my process. Seriously, I want you to know that you have helped a soul out there. Ah the beauty of the internet! Not only am I grateful for your words, but I would also like to be your friend!

 

Thank you again.

[oracle]

I don't know if I was more giving.. Its hard when you look back over 15 years.. your mind fills in the gaps with what you sorta want to think things were.

 

To be honest I was probably complacent and took things for granted.

 

People tell me I am extremely patient and that he is incredibly difficult. Which is true and working together was pretty much the beginning of the end for us. I refused to put business decisions on the side and support him when I didn't agree with him.

 

The pedestal thing lasted about a year and a half for me.

 

Living with your ex for years post break is an odyssey and your are forced to confront and go through gut wrenching issues.

 

My ex started officially seeing someone in November, and started spending the night at the guys place on my birthday.

 

Thank god Rule 1 kicked in and its been an on and off thing for them

 

this topic has been a major eye opener for me.

 

i've had the same thoughts..just not as organized and so eloquently put as yours.

 

sometimes you end up settling for things because it's comfortable or it's the only thing you know. i've run into this in past relationships. i could be wrong..but it seems like you were more giving in the relationship than your partner was?

 

and you're right about the whole partner on a pedestal thing. after a relationship ends you tend to love them more ..or think you love them more than at any point in the real relationship since your mind is dealing with the loss of not having them around the way you're used to anymore

[oracle]

Thanks so much for writing. I really appreciate it.

 

Oracle, I would have done this through a private message but I am not sure if I can yet being so new to the site...I don't even know if there are PMs here. Anyway, the point is this: your advice rocks! Your three rules and many, many of your other posts have been extremely helpful in my process. Seriously, I want you to know that you have helped a soul out there. Ah the beauty of the internet! Not only am I grateful for your words, but I would also like to be your friend!

 

Thank you again.

[tattoo]

I don't understand how you can possible say to your ex or to yourself that you still love them especially if you are the one that dumped them. If you had Real Love for that person you would not of dumped them. Even if you were the dumpee eventually you fall out of love bc they the love is not reciprocated. So no, DO NOT say that you love them when its obvious that you dont. It makes matters more confusing and unsettling especially for the dumpee.

 

 

I disagree. I believe a part of love is having the ability to let someone go. That is true and pure love. Love is recognizing that sometimes, just because you love them, doesn't mean you are meant to be together.

 

As Rev Tevye said in "Fiddler on the Roof" - "a bird may love a fish, but where will they build a home together?"

 

Love is much more than wanting to be with someone. A part of love includes being able to look at them, and recognize when their and your own personal growth and development will continue more successfully apart.

[oracle]

Very well said.

 

 

I disagree. I believe a part of love is having the ability to let someone go. That is true and pure love. Love is recognizing that sometimes, just because you love them, doesn't mean you are meant to be together.

 

As Rev Tevye said in "Fiddler on the Roof" - "a bird may love a fish, but where will they build a home together?"

 

Love is much more than wanting to be with someone. A part of love includes being able to look at them, and recognize when their and your own personal growth and development will continue more successfully apart.

[dejame]

and I think much of it makes sense.

 

Adding to the conversation, I've observed that sometimes you do find the "right" person with which to spend your time. Or, at least, the most "right" we are able to find. In many cases, a couple of things happen to cause the demise of the relationship. I agree there can be many "right" people throughout the various stages of our life. However, my thought is that you don't have to avail yourself of all of them. Just because you can.

 

Understand that I'm not talking about relationships where afterwards you think, yup that wasn't the "one" and are ok with that ending. I'm talking about the relationship where you literally feel it really was a good match and you see how it was hurt by your actions and those of your partner due to a basic (for lack of a better phrase) disrespect of the relationship.

 

I know a person can't and should not try to make someone stay in a relationship that has been seriously degraded due to a lack of focus on treating each other well even when you don't feel like it.

 

Finding someone who you believe to be the "one" and maintaining that relationship does take work. Maybe sometimes too much work and maybe we don't work hard enough.

 

We just have to recognize that simply because something gets hard doesn't mean that it needs to be thrown away. I also recognize that sometimes it does need to end. .... Our problem is figuring out which ones are worth saving.

 

Ultimately, I guess I think many relationships would be good ones if it wasn't so easy to simply walk away when times are bad. And some relationships are bad enough to walk away from in the end. We don't always know the difference.

 

I'm not much of a rules or dogma kind of person. Although, they can add some structure and be helpful as well.

 

Simply trying to work through the demise of my marriage. I do believe it was good enough to save, but that probably isn't going to happen due to the circumstances.

 

Simply my opinions. Your mileage may vary.

 

deja me

[oracle]

Thanks for your reply. I understand what you are saying and where you are coming from. I wasn't the one who ended it, so I didn't give up on it or walk away. In fact I still live with him till everything is liquidated

 

For my part I was willing to reconcile for probably 16 months post break, and that's after dealing with stuff that most people wouldn't accept and get over.

 

One day you just go enough. And you see it for what it is.

 

What I write about primarily has to do with our tendency to place the dumper on a pedestal and see the entire scenario through skewed lenses.

 

I think I come at this with a perspective most people won't (thankfully) experience; And it has given me a lot of insight. I'm only here to give people another way of looking at things. Take it or leave it.

 

I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes. Like my three rules. It applies to a lot of life...

 

"More of our time is spent trifling with mental pictures, random recollections, pleasant but unfounded hopes, and flitting half-developed impressions."

 

Good luck on your journey my friend

 

 

and I think much of it makes sense.

 

Adding to the conversation, I've observed that sometimes you do find the "right" person with which to spend your time. Or, at least, the most "right" we are able to find. In many cases, a couple of things happen to cause the demise of the relationship. I agree there can be many "right" people throughout the various stages of our life. However, my thought is that you don't have to avail yourself of all of them. Just because you can.

 

Understand that I'm not talking about relationships where afterwards you think, yup that wasn't the "one" and are ok with that ending. I'm talking about the relationship where you literally feel it really was a good match and you see how it was hurt by your actions and those of your partner due to a basic (for lack of a better phrase) disrespect of the relationship.

 

I know a person can't and should not try to make someone stay in a relationship that has been seriously degraded due to a lack of focus on treating each other well even when you don't feel like it.

 

Finding someone who you believe to be the "one" and maintaining that relationship does take work. Maybe sometimes too much work and maybe we don't work hard enough.

 

We just have to recognize that simply because something gets hard doesn't mean that it needs to be thrown away. I also recognize that sometimes it does need to end. .... Our problem is figuring out which ones are worth saving.

 

Ultimately, I guess I think many relationships would be good ones if it wasn't so easy to simply walk away when times are bad. And some relationships are bad enough to walk away from in the end. We don't always know the difference.

 

I'm not much of a rules or dogma kind of person. Although, they can add some structure and be helpful as well.

 

Simply trying to work through the demise of my marriage. I do believe it was good enough to save, but that probably isn't going to happen due to the circumstances.

 

Simply my opinions. Your mileage may vary.

 

deja me

[dejame]

and agree with you about the dumper being put on a pedestal. Somehow, the person who leaves appears to be the winner in many people's eyes. Meanwhile, the dumpee looks like a sad sack loser. One is seen as being the victor and the other the loser.

 

Retreat from a relationship does not automatically equate to being the winner. And, sometimes it is the right move.

 

The person who "acts out" or shows their pain while a relationship is imploding is invariably seen as the problem/loser and the one who puts on their game face looks like the good guy. Our culture does not usually reward emotional honesty.

 

I thought your original post had really good points so didn't mean to make it appear differently.

[oracle]

No worries.. I know you got it... I just keep explaining it so anyone following the thread keeps hearing my points over and over.

 

Some people appreciate what I wrote.. most probably don't. Its crass and blunt.

 

I find a lot of people on here want to be coddled, and they want reasons why, and assurances. Life just doesn't work like that as im sure you already know.

 

I find im still dealing with a lot of anger. It just wells up at times, and it comes as an emotional tidal wave bringing everything back into focus. It is usually brought on by my overal disappointment with what else is out there in terms of options. I would assume people like myself who were in very long relationships all through their prime and built up lives with someone, only to have to tear it back down piece by piece experience the same. I guess its bitterness to be honest.

 

Going back to your point, victor vs loser and that mental head game perception. I completely agree.

 

Leonard Cohen put it well in the song "Hallelujah" :

 

"...Maybe there’s a God above

But all I’ve ever learned from love

Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you."

 

I think thats a brilliant analogy. We are competitive creatures by nature. In essence our ex's outdrew us. That loss of power and control over the situation is a massive magnifying glass on the emotions involved. Thats why I sum up rule 2 as a "CONTROL" issue. The pursuer / distancer scenario can be a bitch. Having not really dated since I was 18.. Im learning how un-fun being single and dating can be to, and all the head games involved in that; and thats when the mental gymnastics start, and you start playing the mind games of... "god, maybe I would rather be in that toxic relationship regardless, since its hardly better out here" I think thats where you might have been coming from in your first post. I end up there on ocassion, and its a catalyst for bad things...

 

 

and agree with you about the dumper being put on a pedestal. Somehow, the person who leaves appears to be the winner in many people's eyes. Meanwhile, the dumpee looks like a sad sack loser. One is seen as being the victor and the other the loser.

 

Retreat from a relationship does not automatically equate to being the winner. And, sometimes it is the right move.

 

The person who "acts out" or shows their pain while a relationship is imploding is invariably seen as the problem/loser and the one who puts on their game face looks like the good guy. Our culture does not usually reward emotional honesty.

 

I thought your original post had really good points so didn't mean to make it appear differently.

[Drummerboy420]

Really glad I read this. I am slowly getting to a point of trying to move the hell on from a 6 year relationship, and need some blunt perspective and harsh reality. We really are not entitled to anything in life. Life owes us nothing. Just got to roll with the punches.

[dejame]

to staying in a relationship when bad times come... not always so "toxic" that one needs to leave. There is that "for better or worse" issue for those of us who believe that staying only when it is good is not the only route to take. Jumping ship when trouble arises depends on the trouble and the inherent worth of the original relationship.

 

Not saying this is what your message is about. Only mentioning that riding out a bad spell and communicating in a compassionate manner can retrieve a relationship that is worth saving. Otherwise, we may go on to have the same groundhog day experience with the next person. I'm probably being redundant here. But, that is what I have been doing while performing the autopsy on the lifeless corpse of my marriage.

 

Of course, like the light bulb, your partner has to want to change and work with you.

 

It seems you had a fairly long history with your mate and, of course, only you know when to pull the eject button. Perhaps, my attachment to my marriage is not healthy and my perception of the value is off. Guess I wasn't ready to be done but wasn't able to convince my husband of the same thought. I don't think the issues matter. Where we totally failed was conflict resolution.

 

You mention your anger. Is it self directed anger? Mad at yourself for not leaving sooner? Mad at the partner? To me, anger signifies some sort of residual attachment to your partner. I know when I have really been done with a relationship, I have more of a sense of relief and not so much upset.

 

My main emotion is sadness for the loss of dreams I had for what I thought my life would be at this point. ... And, now to have to rejoin the single life just seems like too much effort. Yet, I want someone special to partner with me going forward.

 

I like your analogy. I am not a very good gunslinger and definitely was outdrawn.

 

 

 

No worries.. I know you got it... I just keep explaining it so anyone following the thread keeps hearing my points over and over.

 

Some people appreciate what I wrote.. most probably don't. Its crass and blunt.

 

I find a lot of people on here want to be coddled, and they want reasons why, and assurances. Life just doesn't work like that as im sure you already know.

 

I find im still dealing with a lot of anger. It just wells up at times, and it comes as an emotional tidal wave bringing everything back into focus. It is usually brought on by my overal disappointment with what else is out there in terms of options. I would assume people like myself who were in very long relationships all through their prime and built up lives with someone, only to have to tear it back down piece by piece experience the same. I guess its bitterness to be honest.

 

Going back to your point, victor vs loser and that mental head game perception. I completely agree.

 

Leonard Cohen put it well in the song "Hallelujah" :

 

"...Maybe there’s a God above

But all I’ve ever learned from love

Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you."

 

I think thats a brilliant analogy. We are competitive creatures by nature. In essence our ex's outdrew us. That loss of power and control over the situation is a massive magnifying glass on the emotions involved. Thats why I sum up rule 2 as a "CONTROL" issue. The pursuer / distancer scenario can be a bitch. Having not really dated since I was 18.. Im learning how un-fun being single and dating can be to, and all the head games involved in that; and thats when the mental gymnastics start, and you start playing the mind games of... "god, maybe I would rather be in that toxic relationship regardless, since its hardly better out here" I think thats where you might have been coming from in your first post. I end up there on ocassion, and its a catalyst for bad things...

[dejame]

I re-read your post about the anger issue. Got it. Bitterness about starting over after you had put so much time and effort into the relationship that has ended. I have some of that too... so many years filled with hope and not really living for me. Waste? or necessary in order to understand the void in the relationship. I don't know.

[oracle]

My Ex is caught up in the grass is greener syndrome. He sarcastically rubs it in my face by using the term in his various dating nicknames for fun.

 

Speaking of fun...try this fun on for size. Imagine dating in the same pool.. IE crossing paths and dating and vying for the SAME guys... especially when that pool makes up maybe a fraction of a percentage of the general population. More ingredients for anger and bitterness.

 

Thankfully he plans to move to the other end of the country once the house sells.

 

 

 

to staying in a relationship when bad times come... not always so "toxic" that one needs to leave. There is that "for better or worse" issue for those of us who believe that staying only when it is good is not the only route to take. Jumping ship when trouble arises depends on the trouble and the inherent worth of the original relationship.

 

Not saying this is what your message is about. Only mentioning that riding out a bad spell and communicating in a compassionate manner can retrieve a relationship that is worth saving. Otherwise, we may go on to have the same groundhog day experience with the next person. I'm probably being redundant here. But, that is what I have been doing while performing the autopsy on the lifeless corpse of my marriage.

 

Of course, like the light bulb, your partner has to want to change and work with you.

 

It seems you had a fairly long history with your mate and, of course, only you know when to pull the eject button. Perhaps, my attachment to my marriage is not healthy and my perception of the value is off. Guess I wasn't ready to be done but wasn't able to convince my husband of the same thought. I don't think the issues matter. Where we totally failed was conflict resolution.

 

You mention your anger. Is it self directed anger? Mad at yourself for not leaving sooner? Mad at the partner? To me, anger signifies some sort of residual attachment to your partner. I know when I have really been done with a relationship, I have more of a sense of relief and not so much upset.

 

My main emotion is sadness for the loss of dreams I had for what I thought my life would be at this point. ... And, now to have to rejoin the single life just seems like too much effort. Yet, I want someone special to partner with me going forward.

 

I like your analogy. I am not a very good gunslinger and definitely was outdrawn.

[CudLRoo]

Oracle, your posts are eloquent and incredibly useful, I'm sorry to hear that life is so hard for you, must be agonising trying to stick to a script when all that is going on around you.

 

I too am guilty of the 'castles of the mind' thing, I tend to apply traits to people that I maybe shouldn't and gloss over potential flaws. I do this much less than I used to but it's still a bit of a pitfall of mine. In my last relationship (of 5 years) I had to pull my socks up pretty quickly in that regard and get militant because when you're living with a person, a lot of the delusional, romantic thinking tends to go out of the window, and you are left with REALITY, maybe a person you really 'love' but one with traits that may jar against your own (religion was the kicker in the last one, I'm not, she was). BUT, another woman comes along and it's back to ruddy square one...!

 

The main thing that seems to be sinking in is the stuff about coddling and not actually being *entitled* to anything. It's harsh but true. Like you say, we could all be living in a third world warzone, getting our legs squished to pulp by landmines - by comparison, who really gives a crap about a guy being in a teary funk over the loss of a love interest?

 

Sucks but someone had to say it.