forgottenangel99 Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Hi again!! I'll try to make this as short as possible...... For those of you that have read my other posts and threads I am proud to say that I had a healthy baby boy July 27th!!! My ex was present and he got emotional on me in the delivery room bought me a rose kissed me, hugged me and everything but quickly backed off after I was released. Earlier he came by to pick his son up (to give me a break). I am breastfeeding and I give him the milk that I pump so that he can still get the milk that I produce. Well he is living with the other woman who also claims she's pregnant by him and at first I was very uneasy about my son being around her. Anyway, he ran out of milk for my son and since he is starting to nurse a lot more often in larger amounts I couldn't produce enough to get him through the night while he was over there. I agreed to just come get him and try to pump some milk for him the next day to give to him so he can keep him the next night. I expected to just pull up to the house, he brings him and his diaper bag out and I go on my merry way with my son (I DID NOT want to go in and see the home that he had made with her!!). I pulled up and texted him that I was outside. He texts me back to come in. I send question marks to say what's going on. He texts me again to come in. I tried to put my emotions aside and went in (mistake!!). I went in to see that the place had been fixed up really nice and he was slowly putting things in our son's diaper bag. My son was on the couch sleep with a barrier around him so he couldn't roll or fall off if that were possible. It seemed like he was taking his time putting the things in the bag but finally he finished put our son in his car seat and picked him up to carry him out to my car. When I got home I texted him asking him if he could just bring him out next time. He texts me back 'What's the problem? I wasn't planning on walking out with you but you acted like you wanted me to (I didn't and don't know how he got that idea I just wanted to get my son and leave) and I didn't have his things ready that's why I asked you to come in because I didn't want to be rude and have you sitting outside'. I call BS because #1 I have already told him I didn't feel comfortable going over there a few weeks before he was born period and #2 I never gave him the impression that I wanted him to come outside with me especially if I indicated that I didn't even want to get out the car and #3 he had at least 20 minutes before I got there to pack his things (which he only had bottles, diapers and wipes in his bag). Am I reading into this too much?? Does it sound like he was trying to flaunt his place with her in my face?? Am I being silly for not wanting to go in his place because it really hurt to see how he made a new life with her after all I did for him (he didn't help me at all with my place or anything else for that matter). I felt like crap and I am back to being hurt after us getting along for the past couple of weeks. What should I do?? Should I address how I feel about what he did in a calm way?? How do I deal with situations like this until I can get past the pain. Also, I have been really good about not being emotional with him lately and the last time I did that trying to move on from him he flaunted her in my face at my doctor's appointment. Could that be the reason for this??? Why is he doing this if he has moved on?? Previous posts about this situation in sequence: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/333348-strong-tired http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/335944-new-concern-since-my-last-post
TaraMaiden Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 do you have joint custody, or are you sole custodian? Does he pay child support officially, or "just gives you what he can"...?
Author forgottenangel99 Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 do you have joint custody, or are you sole custodian? Does he pay child support officially, or "just gives you what he can"...? In the state of Kansas, if the parents are not married the mother has full custody. However, if he tries to take him I cannot call the police or anything because he is the father. No he is not on child support. He just "gives what he can".
TaraMaiden Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Then as full custodian, you call the shots. you tell him when he can and can't see the child, and where. I don't know of any court anywhere, that would let him kidnap the child and keep him, because if you're not married, it's different. he may be the father, but you're not married. and his rights are therefore greatly diminished. and go to court for proper support.
Author forgottenangel99 Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 Thanks Tara, so are you suggesting that I just keep him away from him and his emotional pillow from now on?? Am I being realistic about what happened??
TaraMaiden Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I personally think you were letting your emotions run away with you, and you need to put things into perspective. What counts most is your peace of mind as a mum, and caring for your child in a safe stable environment. Even if that environment has just one carer. He's your ex, but he's an idiot, because now he has 2 kids, from two separate mums. All the more reason to go to court and establish a legally-fixed amount of support from him. Because when baby #2 is there - he may begin to neglect time with baby #1.... My instinct is to tell you to get a grip, be dignified and don''t let him walk all over you. Establish legal right as sole custodian, and have a legal form presented to tell him that you are completely responsible for establishing the conditions of his contact with his child. Where, when, how often, for how long, and with whom. Get it right, right from the start. And if you need to express milk - which is uncomfortable and unpredictable - don't be afraid to supplement feeds with formula. I had to do that with my baby all those years back, and it did no harm at all. In fact, it gave me a well-earned rest. I always had enough milk to feed, and formula gave me the liberty of having a babysitter without having to worry about providing milk. Trust your gut as a mum to do the best for your baby - physically - and legally.
Author forgottenangel99 Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 My instinct is to tell you to get a grip, be dignified and don''t let him walk all over you. Are you saying he is trying to walk all over me?? Why do you think I was letting my emotions run away with me?? It didn't seem as if he was trying to flaunt his new place in front of me?? I mean, I am still mourning the break up because our child was only conceived because I thought we were going to be married soon around that time (I know I should've waited but it's too late for that now). Throughout my pregnancy he kept my feelings stirring when I tried to move on. This brings something else to mind. When we first broke up we discussed that we were going to get along for our child's sake and be adults about things but I'm having to cope with being a single mom while this tramp that "accidentally" got pregnant at least gets to have the baby's father in her life as well as the baby's after all I did for him!! Should I discuss this with him or just do it??
TaraMaiden Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Just do it. surprise him by how logical and sensible you are - but remember: this isn't a revenge move. What you are doing is safeguarding your baby's security, and setting boundaries. The baby isn't even a month old, so your emotions are going to be high-wired, and everything will be magnified. It's difficult, I know, but try to not over-analyse or read too much into stuff to take personal offence. It's clear the guy is an irresponsible jerk, so right now, you have to focus on you, and your baby. It's a fact of life that what we once believed to be a certain compatibility, is now, in hindsight, a sad mistake. Take precautions to not leave yourself so vulnerable, and try to put aside his motives and responses. just don't get suckered into doing it again. Lay down the rules - and stick to them. More importantly, make sure he knows what they are, and does the same.
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