Heartbroken over a short relationship?

[Hornachero]

I met this 24-year-old girl a couple of weeks ago on campus (I am 30). Not only is she a beautiful soul but she is also stunning and absolutely filthy in bed (to use an expression that I have read elsewhere in this forum). We went out for a good three weeks before she came to me and said that she was not ready for something serious and wanted to know how I felt about it. She came out from a super long relationship a year ago and felt that she still wanted to experience new things. Because I like the girl and I know that getting into a non-serious relationship with someone I care about is the surest route to TONS of pain in the future, I told her that I rather stop dating her. She wanted us to remain friends and texted me a couple of days later but I replied briefly and did not initiate new conversations with her.

 

I am attractive, and have no difficulty meeting new people. Looking at me, no one would believe that I am feeling so much pain inside but the breakup is just killing me. I was broken hearted twice in the past (and I know from experience that things do get better) but I am afraid this additional breakup is going to be the straw that will break the camel’s back. I am tired of trying with some many different girls. I am tired of looking all handsome and confident when I feel that my heart has been burnt with boiling oil.

 

Today, I had a strong urge to call her but I figured that she would call me if she really cared about me. My philosophy is that people who are interested in other people make it clear to the people they are interested in. Given how little time I have been with this girl, I feel particularly stupid for having the feelings I have. I am a grown man and I should be able to control my emotions better than this.

 

Is there anyone else here who is heartbroken over a short-term relationship?

Edited August 16, 2012 by Hornachero

[dsw31]

I'm so sorry for your loss but you should be proud of yourself for leaving with your head held high & all your dignity.I dated a guy for a month, dumped him & he has become psychotic(not attractive at all)If she ever becomes ready for a relationship,she just may come back because you handled yourself so well.But don't hold out too much hope cause hope is an emotional murderer.Take care of yourself.

[Hornachero]

Hi Dsw31,

 

Thank your for your reply! I am not holding my breath on it. I think that exes who send messages to their old partners from time to time are just trying to figure out whether they still have some influence on them. Urgh. If they wanted to get back with us, they would take the phone and say things clearly.

 

I know things will eventually get better (especially if I am able to maintain NC) but I just wish I could skip forward a couple of weeks/months until I am completely over her!

[Ca8518]

Yes! I am going through this right now. You can read past posts but my ex and I only dated for a bit over a month and it was very fast and very serious and out of nowhere he ended it. We met up a couple of weeks ago against my better judgment and advice and the attraction and connection was very much present. We decided to have fun and enjoy things again at a slower pace. We weren't back together but he swore he wasn't dating anyone else. Needless to say...last night it turns out he was on a date with a girl he used to date and she posted pictures of them out together looking pretty close. I set myself up for this one but it doesn't change the pain I am feeling.

[Hornachero]

Hey Ca8518!

 

I am so sorry to hear that but don't blame yourself too much over it! We're only humans and the temptation to see someone who made us very happy in the past is very strong! You have learned now that it is a bad idea to see him again and I am sure it will give you the motivation you need to maintain NC in the future.

[thecoolkid]

Hi Dsw31,

 

Thank your for your reply! I am not holding my breath on it. I think that exes who send messages to their old partners from time to time are just trying to figure out whether they still have some influence on them. Urgh. If they wanted to get back with us, they would take the phone and say things clearly.

 

I know things will eventually get better (especially if I am able to maintain NC) but I just wish I could skip forward a couple of weeks/months until I am completely over her!

 

Yeah I know the feeling bro...

 

But like they say patience is a virtue, besides you'll already making awesome progress anyhow.

 

And to avoid this similar situation in the future you can try a new

approach when getting involved emotionally with a woman...

 

Become genuine friends her before sleeping with her... And any

woman that is acceptable to this may be WIFEY material.

[Bazamu]

I completely agree, get to know the person before you sleep with them or you'll end up like me. Pregnant ex gf who never talks to me =)

[Hornachero]

The cool kid, Bazamu,

 

Thank you for your messages. I agree that knowing someone before sleeping with him/her is the wise thing to do but you'd be surprised to know how often men are pressured into having sex quickly even if when they don't want to! Personally, I like to take my time but the girls I go out with don't! And I feel that I have to do it or else, they will start thinking less of me.

 

My biggest motivation for NC is the pain that I know I will have for sure if the person I am with is not into me the way I am into her. I hate the mind games that come when you are infatuated with someone and he/she is not. "Why didn't they call, why did they took so long to answer a text, they say they are busy tonight, are they having a date with someone else?".

 

For me, NC (no matter how hard it seems at times) is still one million times less painful that the constant torture of being with someone who is not genuinely into me!

[Hornachero]

For some reason, today is harder than the previous ones. Although I am trying to keep myself busy, I have surprised myself thinking about all the good moments we have spent together!! I try to think about something else asap but it's not easy because ideas about her keep popping in my head all the time.

 

Keeping faith

[HisGraceisSufficient]

And I feel that I have to do it or else, they will start thinking less of me.

 

My biggest motivation for NC is the pain that I know I will have for sure if the person I am with is not into me the way I am into her. I hate the mind games that come when you are infatuated with someone and he/she is not. "Why didn't they call, why did they took so long to answer a text, they say they are busy tonight, are they having a date with someone else?".

 

I will humbly go out on a limb here and tell you that I don't think you are as confident as you say you are. There is subtle insecurity (also pride), as described above, that is worth noting.

 

You are scared people will think less of you. You are scared you are not as desirable and wanted to some as you'd like to be. Deep down, you might question if you are as likable or worthwhile as the man who seemingly has it all.

 

Your ego is hurt. And insecurity is nagging you. In time, it will fade but it will return with a new relationship.

 

But, as long as you make it about you, it will cause you pain. The "dying of self" (not even in a religious sense but death to the ego) would be a helpful application to explore and research.

 

Remember, every one of us has an ego and struggles with insecurity! But, not every one of us is self aware and self-actualizing!

[Hornachero]

Hello HisGraceisSufficient,

 

Thank you for your reply! I do see your point on humility and I agree that a less self-centred approach to breakups may be helpful (to me and others on this website). I will try to look at my break-up from the new perspective you kindly suggested, hopefully it will help

[WinnerInChrist]

"Is there anyone else here who is heartbroken over a short-term relationship?"

 

Finally, I've found someone in a somewhat similar position!

 

I was in a 6 week relationship and one evening (4 weeks ago today!), I got his email saying we were done. I was shocked. He brought up marriage and left to him, we would have been married within 5-6 weeks. I'm glad now that I resisted because I think I'd probaly now be mourning the death of my marriage. No, there was no intimacy because we (well, I - not sure about him now) don't believe in premarital sex which probably was why there was the rush for a quick marriage.

 

Initially I was heartbroken but I soon realized it was probably just bruised ego. I went into NC but after 2 weeks, he added me as contact to a social networking site and wanted to re-connect. I stupidly broke NC and sent him an email to ask him to directly contact me if he wanted to talk. I guess he doesn't want to but I'm pleased to say I really am OK about it now. I thought about him for a day or two and then thought - no.... I cannot expend any more energy on this. It really is not worth it. Whatever will be will be.

[barese1]

Ha I think it was my thread about the filthy in bed thing. Our situations sound very similar (I was 29 she was 22) but our short term relationship was just shy of 6 months.

 

It sound slike you've done all the right things and just have to accept it will take some time. Its true, if they want us they will ring, I think these girls are too young if I'm perfectly honest.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing, it sound slike you are making all the right decisions my friend

[blotter]

I think this is what happens to anyone that dates a girl under 25. I dont mean dont date girls under 25, but dont get attached to them in any meaningful way. If you do you will get your heart ripped out every time when they decide they want to try out some other dudes.