Is there a way back, if she says she loves the other man?

[icDude]

I have told a lot of my story in another thread; My wife is distressed...

But now I want some honest advice on how to win her back if she claims to love the other man.

 

Just a little back story. I have been married for 4 years and been with this women for over 9. before me there was one guy, and this is the guy she has started up an affair with. The affair has been going on for 2 1/2 months, I became concretely aware 1 month ago. It has been mostly online and long distance but they met once when she went back to their home town.

I have three kids with my wife, the youngest is 6 months old. He is married and has 2 kids, youngest 10 months.

 

So the question again: Is there a way back to good when she says she loves the other man? Anyone with a success story would be great, any honest advice would be great. I love this women and feel she is making a mistake. I want to save my marriage.

[NotCamelot]

So the question again: Is there a way back to good when she says she loves the other man? Anyone with a success story would be great, any honest advice would be great. I love this women and feel she is making a mistake. I want to save my marriage.

 

First she has to want you again.

 

If she will, sit down and discuss why you are not what she wants now. Why does she "love" the OM? If you can get to those things you will know what you need to work on.

 

There may be some things she has not gotten from you that he is giving her. It may be something as simple as words at the right time, since it has been long distance.

 

Try to get back to what brought you together to begin with. It worked for me. My W and the OM had exchanged lots of ILY's and shared a hotel bed (and his wife's bed). Even with all that, we are on a very strong road to recovery.

 

It can be done. That's how I did it. It was not easy. But, if you want her and she is willing to listen, it is possible.

[icDude]

Try to get back to what brought you together to begin with. It worked for me.

 

Please explain a little more of what you did and how long have you been on this road.

[drifter777]

I have told a lot of my story in another thread; My wife is distressed...

But now I want some honest advice on how to win her back if she claims to love the other man.

 

Just a little back story. I have been married for 4 years and been with this women for over 9. before me there was one guy, and this is the guy she has started up an affair with. The affair has been going on for 2 1/2 months, I became concretely aware 1 month ago. It has been mostly online and long distance but they met once when she went back to their home town.

I have three kids with my wife, the youngest is 6 months old. He is married and has 2 kids, youngest 10 months.

 

So the question again: Is there a way back to good when she says she loves the other man? Anyone with a success story would be great, any honest advice would be great. I love this women and feel she is making a mistake. I want to save my marriage.

 

Asking to hear successful stories from BH's in your situation is appealing to a pretty small audience. It doesn't end happily very often.

 

The first thing that has to happen before you can even think about trying to reconcile is that your wife has to end the affair. She has to have zero contact with this OM and begin showing both a genuine remorse to what she has done to you and a willingness to do anything to save your marriage. You should immediatly contact the OM's wife to let her know what kind of man she is married to and to help you put a stop to their cheating.

 

If these things don't start happening pretty damn soon then you should be contacting a lawyer and starting divorce proceedings.

[BetrayedH]

I have told a lot of my story in another thread; My wife is distressed...

But now I want some honest advice on how to win her back if she claims to love the other man.

 

Just a little back story. I have been married for 4 years and been with this women for over 9. before me there was one guy, and this is the guy she has started up an affair with. The affair has been going on for 2 1/2 months, I became concretely aware 1 month ago. It has been mostly online and long distance but they met once when she went back to their home town.

I have three kids with my wife, the youngest is 6 months old. He is married and has 2 kids, youngest 10 months.

 

So the question again: Is there a way back to good when she says she loves the other man? Anyone with a success story would be great, any honest advice would be great. I love this women and feel she is making a mistake. I want to save my marriage.

 

You lay down the freakin' gauntlet, shove her towards the OM and file for divorce. And IF she returns, THEN you consider it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

It sounds like a pretty complicated situation to me since you've both had affairs.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/340303-my-wife-distressed-after-om-stopped-talking-her-what-do-i-do-3.html#post4189792

[FelicityShot]

First she has to want you again.

 

If she will, sit down and discuss why you are not what she wants now. Why does she "love" the OM? If you can get to those things you will know what you need to work on.

 

It can be done. That's how I did it. It was not easy. But, if you want her and she is willing to listen, it is possible.

 

Good luck with that - in bold.

 

Reckon that once the heart goes, it will fly away.

[GLDheart]

Why can't you just tell it to her straight? Like this:

 

"I love you, you A-HOLE!! What is wrong with you?!? Scratch that... I don't want to know anymore. I've tried talking to you but you mope around this place pining for another man... AND IT'S KILLING ME! I'm done with it. I may have wanted to work this out, and I tried. BUT IT'S OVER. It's time to go. Here is my plan...."

[road]

Buy the book Surviving An Affair, by dr Harley.

[dreamingoftigers]

Keep going on 180.

 

Yes, there is still a chance despite the fact that she's "in love."

 

Has she even met MM in person?

[BetrayedH]

Buy the book Surviving An Affair, by dr Harley.

 

Been there, done that...

 

No offense Road, just sayin'

[icDude]

Keep going on 180.

 

Yes, there is still a chance despite the fact that she's "in love."

 

Has she even met MM in person?

 

She knows the MM from her past and has seen him over the years in their home town and went back home and spent time with him on week, her behavior around that trip is what prompted me to ask questions and find out about it. Since then she has not seen him.

[icDude]

It sounds like a pretty complicated situation to me since you've both had affairs.

 

:/QUOTE]

 

I have not had an affair within our marriage. I was a crappy boyfriend for a while and we broke up a lot. Including during her pregnancy where I saw another woman. In no way great, but my history after marriage has been one of faithful commitment to my spouse and family.

[road]

Been there, done that...

 

No offense Road, just sayin'

 

 

Yes offense BH. I was advising the OP not you. Just saying.

[Owl]

What advice are you really looking for?

 

I've given you all the advice I can in your original thread. Starting a new thread probably won't get different advice...it's still the same folks reading and responding.

 

You've refused/refuted all the advice you've been given thus far...what is it that you're hoping to hear differently here?

 

What is it you're really wanting LS to give you?

[Wanting1]

I have told a lot of my story in another thread; My wife is distressed...

But now I want some honest advice on how to win her back if she claims to love the other man.

 

Just a little back story. I have been married for 4 years and been with this women for over 9. before me there was one guy, and this is the guy she has started up an affair with. The affair has been going on for 2 1/2 months, I became concretely aware 1 month ago. It has been mostly online and long distance but they met once when she went back to their home town.

I have three kids with my wife, the youngest is 6 months old. He is married and has 2 kids, youngest 10 months.

 

So the question again: Is there a way back to good when she says she loves the other man? Anyone with a success story would be great, any honest advice would be great. I love this women and feel she is making a mistake. I want to save my marriage.

 

Have you exposed the affair to OM's wife? Once she has gone completely NC for a few months, you may have a chance. Right now, she is in the "affair fog" and is not thinking rationally. Exposure is your best option. And probably filing for divorce. This can be a real wake-up call to her. Make being in the "affair fog" as uncomfortable as you can.

[icDude]

 

You've refused/refuted all the advice you've been given thus far...what is it that you're hoping to hear differently here?

 

What is it you're really wanting LS to give you?

 

Not true Owl. I hear what everyone is telling me. I am worried that it won't work and my counselor has advised against ultimatums. Obviously this is the most troubling situation I have ever been in and I want to hear some stories of success and don't want to move rashly. I am trying one method out for now, but am holding on to the information you have given me for a future time.

 

Everyone's situation is slightly different. I am beginning to understand that my wife is afraid of me. When we fight I can be very intimidating and I don't know how to give up. This other guy makes her feel safe. This may be my character flaw, but I don't want to lose my family over it.

 

As for the other question from Wanting1, I have exposed to everyone I can, it has had the effect that pressure is on both sides and both sides are in MC. But the affair goes on.

 

Owl, I'm not sure what LS stands for.

[Owl]

Not true Owl. I hear what everyone is telling me. I am worried that it won't work and my counselor has advised against ultimatums. Obviously this is the most troubling situation I have ever been in and I want to hear some stories of success and don't want to move rashly. I am trying one method out for now, but am holding on to the information you have given me for a future time.

 

Everyone's situation is slightly different. I am beginning to understand that my wife is afraid of me. When we fight I can be very intimidating and I don't know how to give up. This other guy makes her feel safe. This may be my character flaw, but I don't want to lose my family over it.

 

As for the other question from Wanting1, I have exposed to everyone I can, it has had the effect that pressure is on both sides and both sides are in MC. But the affair goes on.

 

Owl, I'm not sure what LS stands for.

 

LS stands for Loveshack...the forum you're posting on and the community of posters responding to it.

 

You've been given advice by folks who have been through this...myself included. I AM one of those folks who have successfully reconciled his marriage after his wife had a long distance emotional affair with another man.

 

As far as every situation being different...take it from a long time poster...that's the battle cry of every new person we've ever had on this site. Particularly those not comfortable with the advice they've been given.

 

You'll find (if you stay on this site for a while) that the advice makes sense, and it fits...these situations are far more "cookie cutter" than makes most folks comfortable. With the exception that your wife knew OM prior to meeting you, our situations could nearly be identical.

 

And the solution is likely very, very similar as well.

 

If you continue to allow her to maintain the affair...if you refuse to set boundaries...the affair will continue until she either tires of it herself, or leaves you. The odds of her ending it voluntarily are very, very slim.

 

I'm curious...your counselor...what's their plan for reconciling marriages after infidelity? (even "just" emotionally?) What's their track record for doing so?

 

Something you might take into account.

[icDude]

Well abe, you may be right about rewarding her for her bad behavior, but I know that I have bad behaviors as well. So the changes are all about making me a better person, not making her feel better. Plus if I am going to lose her anyway, I better learn how to cook the meals, do the laundry, and have a better relationship with my kids.

 

As far as having sex with other woman... I would like to leave the marriage looking like the better person not just as low as her.

 

Owl, I think my MC wants to move slowly and work through some limbo. I don't know about a track record, but I can ask what her plan is via email. She has suggested books like the Divorce Remedy to me personally, and had us read Fighting for your Marriage, which doesn't work if both parties aren't willing.

 

Gotta go, having lunch with my wife.

[dreamingoftigers]

She clearly isn't too scared to cheat on you though.

 

If she really feared THAT much, wouldn't she have quaked after d-day and thereafter. She also might've left or gotten OM to come rescue her.

 

Good for you for recognizing the intimidation though and working on it.

 

Right now she probably just sees you as doing this to "get bank with her."

 

I am in the process of recon with my husband after "Hell" for three years.

 

You don't have to give up and D if you don't want to. Good things can happen but often mountains need to be moved.

 

1) often I've found that the spouses stepping outside the M are the ones that put less into the m OR they put too much on at first and then got burnt out and quit. Either way, they still aren't putting anything into saving the M and have more room to entertain outside options and criticize their spouse. Of you back away, that means that she has to put more in in order to maintain the m.

 

2) do you remember the example in D. Remedy where the husband told his w that he was leaving and seeing someone else. She let it run it's course and built her own life. That sounds more like the path you are on, which is okay BUT have you figured out how long/how much energy you wish to put in?

 

There's no sense going into the "fight for your marriage" without an exit strategy. Although, to be honest, I don't think I had one.

 

Not true Owl. I hear what everyone is telling me.

I am worried that it won't work and my counselor has advised against ultimatums. Obviously this is the most troubling situation I have ever been in and I want to hear some stories of success and don't want to move rashly. I am trying one method out for now, but am holding on to the information you have given me for a future time.

 

Everyone's situation is slightly different. I am beginning to understand that my wife is afraid of me. When we fight I can be very intimidating and I don't know how to give up. This other guy makes her feel safe. This may be my character flaw, but I don't want to lose my family over it.

 

As for the other question from Wanting1, I have exposed to everyone I can, it has had the effect that pressure is on both sides and both sides are in MC. But the affair goes on.

 

Owl, I'm not sure what LS stands for.

[icDude]

Your approach must be that she has chosen to end the marriage, and that if it is to be saved, she must win YOU back.

 

You may have a point, which was seconded by dreamingoftigers "If you back away, that means that she has to put more in in order to maintain the m."

 

I might start that now. It is also the path suggested by the Last Resort Technique in D. Remedy. I will still put in my time with the kids and household, and be friendly toward my wife, but without the pursuit behavior.

[NotCamelot]

Please explain a little more of what you did and how long have you been on this road.

 

 

Basically, I/we talked about old times, how we got together in the first place. We took things back to the beginning. It reminded her of why she loved me to beging with. We spent every waking hour possible together. Never apart. Started riding to and from work together. Putting every effort into being "us" again.

 

Tomorrow will be 3 months and 1 week since d-day. I know that most on here will tell you that is not enough time. I can tell you that I hurt badly every single day until about 3 weeks ago. But I started doing things that have taken a lot of the pain away. AND....probably most of all.....she has indeed put work into trying to gain my trust again, she goes out of her way to show and prove love for me. But, and this may help me the most, she has accepted and admitted the fault and apologized many times for what she/they did.

 

So, she has to want to stay with you and has to work with you or you may as well say goodbye now. You can't make her stay if she really wants to go. You can't make her love you. I know there were moments when I wish I could held my W down and told her "you love me, not him". But you can't force it.

 

If you can salvage the relationship, I feel like getting back to what brought you together in the first place is the best place to start. It has worked for me.

[NotCamelot]

OK you rewarded your cheating wife by becoming a better husband.

 

All you taught her is that if she's naughty she will get rewarded for it. The next time she feels aggrieved at something you've done or haven't done, it's very likely she'll cheat again.

 

I guess it's easy to assume when you don't know the entire story.

 

But, no, there is no reward for anyone. And, there are two sides to every story.

 

I think, especially after reading here for 3 months, that each side has some adjusting to do to reconcile after an affair. Things happen for a reason. If you find evidence that you had part in that reason, it is your duty to correct your part of it. The WS cheated for a reason....and owns the fault for that....but something was the impetus leading to it. And if the BS is part of that, then the BS should work on that.....otherwise the WS is never going to stay because the issue that led to the A remains.

 

 

But, to your last statement, I have made it very, very clear. Once....that's all I can do....any other slip and I will not go through this again...ever.

 

Now, so as not to hijack the thread, back to icDude.

[dreamingoftigers]

You may have a point, which was seconded by dreamingoftigers "If you back away, that means that she has to put more in in order to maintain the m."

 

I might start that now. It is also the path suggested by the Last Resort Technique in D. Remedy. I will still put in my time with the kids and household, and be friendly toward my wife, but without the pursuit behavior.

 

I did the 180 LRT. I noticed results in the first week.

 

There WILL be complaining, lots of it. Don't change your approach. Remember stay on course unless it goes REALLY sour in two to three weeks before making any changes.

 

My h was not even in the same city, but he noticed changes.

 

1) I would only respond to 2/3 to 3/4 of texts he sent me. He was used to me being a lifeline, so that got his attention quick.

 

2) I would ignore any texts or convo that were clearly just baiting for an argument.

 

3) I DID NOT lose my cool. AT ALL. He pushed and pushed and pushed. Most of this is a subconscious game that WAS don't realize. If something got too crazy or I felt a button being pushed, I just let him know with A NEUTRAL TONE that I had to go and do something else. After all, my

Life was busy, right.

 

4) I exercised every day. Minimum 15 mins, most of the time one to two hours. Most errands I did, I walked. This kept my mind sharp, focussed and my emotions at bay. It also vastly improved my confidence.

 

5) if she's contacting Bozo but hasn't made any actual MOVES to get anywhere with him, that's a good sign. (just thought I'd throw that in).

 

6) I didn't badger him about his responsibilities. He knew what they were and he could take care of them if he saw fit. For awhile when he moved back here, he was so broke he didn't even have bus fare, too bad, not my problem. He also had to take care of his own stuff. Badgering them or even reminding our dum dum spouses that "they are married" seems to fit their "controlling, demon" image of what we have to be for them to cheat. They can't empathize with us right now because they are too blinded by their own BS.

 

7) anytime they whinge about something not going their way, empathize. "that sounds rough, I'm sure you'll figure it out."

 

8) and for God sake don't let her read D Remedy. At one point as part of my 180, I packed up every relationship book I owned and said to him, "here, it's the whole arsenal, clearly this stuff doesn't work and I want to live my life free of it, you can do what you want with it. I surrender it to you. If you want to read it have fun but I am tired of feeling pressured to save this marriage if you don't want to." (ha ha, joke was on him. I hid Divorce Remedy in my car, and read passages from it everyday. I kept my plans and goals in sight and kept focussed on them. Plus I had already taken notes from the other books.)

The pressure came off of him because he figured I was moving on and just going to let go. Then he realized that that wasn't what he wanted.

 

9) don't back down from a boundary. I am in recon with him and I do not let

him push me around. If he doesn't want to respect me, that's his business, but I don't let that be my problem. This morning I was supposed to drive him somewhere. He got very ignorant to me (first time in awhile). Then he started counting out change which I thought was bus fare. I told him that that would work better for us this morning since I didn't want to drive him after the comments he made. He was a little stung but got himself up to take the bus. Respect. It's necessary. You can't let w just ride on you like some kind of magic carpet. Then she thinks that magic carpets exist and you are one. Let her figure out what the post-divorce and affair reality looks like by giving get a taste. Cheating is REALLY immature behavior. Especially when it's this high school crap, she can be a little girl all that she wants, but you need to make that HER problem, not yours.

[icDude]

4) I exercised every day. Minimum 15 mins, most of the time one to two hours. Most errands I did, I walked. This kept my mind sharp, focussed and my emotions at bay. It also vastly improved my confidence.

 

Speaking of working out. This crisis has lost me nearly 30 lbs. Just because I don't feel like eating as much. I work out a lot as it is. did a 100 miles on my bike two weekends back.