icDude Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 So my wife was having an emotional (primarily internet and phone) affair with a married man in another state. Just yesterday, she comes home extremely distraught and finally confides that "We won't be talking anymore, if that makes you happy." (speaking of her and the OM). I suspect that when his wife found out she put the pressure on him, because pressure on my end didn't seem to work. I mean she had it deep. So now the conundrum. I have been the loyal husband all this time, waiting for this fantasy to blow over and get my wife back, but now that it is over, she is crumbling emotionally. I think she has some sort of depression, which drove her to the affair in the first place, but she won't see a doctor. Is there anything I can do? How should I act around her? And can I facilitate a speedier recovery? ( I have three kids with her the youngest is 6 months and I wonder about post-partum as well) 1
Woggle Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Honestly I would just let her feel bad and go off and enjoy myself but that is how I feel towards cheaters. I don't know the answer. 4
TaraMaiden Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Believe it or not, you need to continue acting normally. Any form of sympathy or capitulation will not only validate her feelings, but enable her depression. Try to rise above her moods, and if she becomes angry, exasperated or impatient with you, and tells you that you're being callous and uncaring, tell her: "I'm willing to work through this with you, but you were the one having the EA, not I. While we are both RESPONSIBLE for the state of the marriage - and I am absolutely willing to step up to the plate and deal with where i have been lacking - you are to BLAME for things reaching this level. You want my sympathy? I want us to go to joint and individual Counselling. That's the only way I can see either of us being able to move this forward. If you don't want to work on this marriage, that's your choice, and your problem. there's the door. Choose." 6
Owl Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 What she's going through is normal. It's called "withdrawl". It happens at the end of affairs, just like it does other emotional addictions. Be honest about how you feel. Tell her "Yes, I am happy that you're not talking anymore. I'm not happy that you're hurting, but I'm glad that this emotional affair has ended. I'm here to support you when you're ready to talk.". Let her grieve. Don't beat her for it...but...don't pamper her either. Just let her work through it on her own, focus on taking care of yourself and your kids (if you have any). In a couple of weeks, as she starts to come out of her funk...INSIST on marriage counseling. Or...she walks. Don't ask her permission...simply INSIST that if she wants to remain married...she WILL attend marriage counseling, or she's free to move out. But wait a few weeks to ensure that NC (no contact) is in place, and she's processed through the worst of her withdrawl. 1
anne1707 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Believe it or not, you need to continue acting normally. Any form of sympathy or capitulation will not only validate her feelings, but enable her depression. Try to rise above her moods, and if she becomes angry, exasperated or impatient with you, and tells you that you're being callous and uncaring, tell her: "I'm willing to work through this with you, but you were the one having the EA, not I. While we are both RESPONSIBLE for the state of the marriage - and I am absolutely willing to step up to the plate and deal with where i have been lacking - you are to BLAME for things reaching this level. You want my sympathy? I want us to go to joint and individual Counselling. That's the only way I can see either of us being able to move this forward. If you don't want to work on this marriage, that's your choice, and your problem. there's the door. Choose." As a fWS, I have to say Tara is spot on. It was not my H's fault or problem that I was upset over the exOM. It was for me to deal with in a way that caused my H as little problem as possible - he already had more than enough to deal with than see me cry over someone else. I used IC to deal with these issues and my H and I used MC to deal with the problems we had and to rebuild the marriage.
Author icDude Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 But wait a few weeks to ensure that NC (no contact) is in place, How do I ensure NC? She has a lot of secret communication sources and places.
Owl Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Figure out her methods of communication. If she communicates via a cellphone that's on a joint (you and her) account...ask them to start sending you the text information in a detailed report. Review her phone records for incoming/outgoing calls to his number. Put a keylogger on her computer. (as long as it's a personally owned computer, not a company owned one) Install a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car, and/or installed in a room where she usually goes to carry on her conversations with him. Point blank tell her that part of the "condition" that she remain married to you and living in your house is that she WILL end the EA and go NC with him...and reveal all the ways that she currently communicates with him. If she refuses...you have an answer...time to let her go. My wife was involved in an online/telephone EA several years ago...these were the same steps I had to take in order to reconcile our marriage. As long as you're "letting her" talk with OM, she will. She needs to face consequences for continuing the affair. In other words...you need to be WILLING to end the marriage if she refuses to change and end the EA. Do a search for my thread from back in 2004. Might have some useful insight for you. 1
Owl Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Also...I strongly recommend you find a way to contact OM's wife. Team up with her to protect both of your marriages. 2
Spark1111 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Also, please have her checked out physically. She is probably due soon for post natal check-up? You can inform her ob/gyn of your concerns regarding post partum, her refusal to get checked out,but perhaps her chart can be notated in the event she comes in? They will not be able to tell you if that diagnosis has been made, (privacy laws) but they will have a heads up for when she comes in. People do this all the time for depressed parents, children, and spouses. I think physical causes of depression should be ruled out too. But you cannot force anyone to seek treatment. Focus on you.
Steadfast Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 So my wife was having an emotional (primarily internet and phone) affair with a married man in another state. Just yesterday, she comes home extremely distraught and finally confides that "We won't be talking anymore, if that makes you happy."( This is why I usually avoid recon posts. I feel too much anger to be helpful. It reminds me of when my ex and I were flirting with reconciliation and I sensed she was pulling away again. "I feel like I'm cheating" She cried. Dumbfounded, I responded "Let me get this straight; kissing your husband makes you feel like your cheating on your married boyfriend?" "Yes" she answered. "I don't want to be that kind of person anymore." That was the last real conversation we had as a legally married couple. IMO, no amount of talking, reasoning, pleading or waiting will change a women whose heart is elsewhere. You are on the outside icDude; the barrier between you and your wife's (supposed) happiness. I realize your wife and my ex are different people, but the overwhelming percentage of these things turn out the same way. Right or wrong, you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. She'll fight for the right to feel the way she feels, even if she admits being dead wrong. That's just how it is. Feelings. A woman in love will walk to the edge for the man she loves. The decision now is how long you'll give it. I would have been out the door before the echo stopped. Really? The best chance you have at 'saving' this (if it's worth saving, which is dubious) is to insist she find him and patch things up. Encourage her! Tell her you want her to be happy and Go! It usually doesn't work, but at least she won't see you as the enemy anymore. Few things in life are more futile than trying to revive the dead. 2
GLDheart Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 So my wife was having an emotional affair... ...she had it deep. ... I have been the loyal husband all this time, waiting for this fantasy to blow over and get my wife back... HELL NO! This would stop now. I would be pissed about her moping around for another guy. If she wants him, GO GET HIM! I would hold the door open as I muttered: plan B...., Backup plan...., doormat..., this crazy bitch is outa her mind.... ( I have three kids with her the youngest is 6 months and I wonder about post-partum as well) Where was your wife 15 months ago? 2
seibert253 Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 If you listen to no one else, heed the words of Owl. No better advice. 1
karnak Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 IMO, no amount of talking, reasoning, pleading or waiting will change a women whose heart is elsewhere. You are on the outside icDude; the barrier between you and your wife's (supposed) happiness. I realize your wife and my ex are different people, but the overwhelming percentage of these things turn out the same way. Right or wrong, you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. She'll fight for the right to feel the way she feels, even if she admits being dead wrong. That's just how it is. Feelings. A woman in love will walk to the edge for the man she loves. The decision now is how long you'll give it. I would have been out the door before the echo stopped. Really? The best chance you have at 'saving' this (if it's worth saving, which is dubious) is to insist she find him and patch things up. Encourage her! Tell her you want her to be happy and Go! It usually doesn't work, but at least she won't see you as the enemy anymore. Few things in life are more futile than trying to revive the dead. Spot on! I had to learn this the hard way (very hard indeed). When it comes to women and emotions the best you can do is try to find a shelter and wait for the nuke to blow. Then, after the bomb has exploded (and the radiation has been reduced to safe levels) you can decide what to do next. 1
Owl Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 HER Needs, HER Needs? OP - pack up your wife's things and tell her to "grieve" at a hotel or at her parents house. You do not need to be subjected to this. She should be begging for forgiveness and helping YOU grieve. We see wives like yours all the time on this board. Give her time to "grieve" and ignore your needs . . . and you'll be wasting time trying to reconcile with a rotten-to-the-core cheater. Don't be like the other betrayed husbands on this and other boards desperate to keep their unremorseful wives. Not all of them are. Some of us are years into a happily recovered marriage. You don't have to like my advice...but...you also don't have to be insulting. 1
Eclypse Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I think what you should do is pack her bags and put them on the doorstep and tell her to get the **** out and "grieve" for her lost love. 1
Owl Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Honestly, I wasn't rolling my eyes at you Owl - I was rolling them towards Harley. Fair enough...I don't care for all of his methodology, although parts of it are indeed useful. But I'd also like to reiterate that not all of the BH's here that have fought to reconcile a marriage are/were desperate. I was desperate...for about a week. After that, I made it clear she had choices...and choices have consequences and results. It's a little unrealistic to expect that someone's feelings for someone else are going to shut off like a light switch. If an A ends...it's the end of a relationship. It HURTS. It makes sense that both parties are going to be hurt and grieving at that point. All three parties, really, but for different reasons. Expecting her to IMMEDIATELY go from being actively engaged in an emotional relationship with someone else to contrite and remorseful is unrealistic. It's not going to happen that way in the vast majority of cases. Once she starts to get over that grief and loss...then she starts getting her head out of her behind...and only THEN can she really start to realize the damage she's done to her H. And at that point...she darn sure does need to be remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to work on the marriage. But, that's a little ways down the road yet for the OP. 4
turnera Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Ignore her for now and go buy this book and read it - it will tell you everything you need to know: No More Mr Nice Guy.
ver13 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 So my wife was having an emotional (primarily internet and phone) affair with a married man in another state. Just yesterday, she comes home extremely distraught and finally confides that "We won't be talking anymore, if that makes you happy." (speaking of her and the OM). I suspect that when his wife found out she put the pressure on him, because pressure on my end didn't seem to work. I mean she had it deep. So now the conundrum. I have been the loyal husband all this time, waiting for this fantasy to blow over and get my wife back, but now that it is over, she is crumbling emotionally. I think she has some sort of depression, which drove her to the affair in the first place, but she won't see a doctor. Is there anything I can do? How should I act around her? And can I facilitate a speedier recovery? ( I have three kids with her the youngest is 6 months and I wonder about post-partum as well) IMO all that can be done already has taken place, look it's not your job to at this point in your relationship to do anything at all. Your W has to want to fully commit to the M to make it work and until she realizes that what she was up to hurt both you and the M there is nothing to talk about. The fact that you have been waiting for her to get back to normal doen't mean anything what so ever stop waiting and get on with your life. If she can't pick herself up and re-engage in the M then she can't and there is nothing that you can do to bring her around. All that you need to focus on is your relationship with your kids and leave the door open for her to recommit or go which ever she feels she needs to do. 1
Author icDude Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 So update. She is talking to him again. Couldn't stand the pain I guess. I will give it until our therapy session this week and then drop the ultimatum that she stop speaking to him for good. Not sure it will work however. She seems dead-set against it right now. Really pissing me off. We had a good weekend. She is attempting to be closer to me physically and maybe emotionally, but again it sometimes ends in her crying or pushing me away (like someone said, she thinks she is cheating on her boyfriend with her husband). And I am sure they are still trading I love yous. I met some cute girls this weekend out with friends... I'm thinking... but I really can't stand that this is happening.
TaraMaiden Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Number three..... here's one and two..... Both husbands had reached the ends of their tethers. Both husbands were determined to call it a day and walk. Both husbands frankly, to be honest, had probably put up with a hell of a lot more than ever they should have done. Both husbands did NOT sign up for this kind of marriage. Both husbands could not be blamed if they had even walked sooner... Both husbands have decided to remain in situ, for reasons they have put forward - and I'm certain they feel are absolutely sensible and valid. So - are you going to join the ranks, or break them? 2
turnera Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 The only way you'll get her to end the affair is to expose it to her important people and HIS important people so they have to make a choice. You are being WAY too forgiving and she needs you to lead the family right now. Did you order the book I told you to read? Tell her NOW that you want her to stop contacting him. Don't wait for IC; that's the chicken way out. Stand up for yourself and tell her him or me. And if she chooses him, she'll have a custody battle on her hands. She needs you to be strong. 1
Owl Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I agree with Turnera...don't wait for IC. Don't let her get settled back into the routine of contacting him. Don't let her get comfortable. The only way to change this situation is to enforce change. With that said...the absolute worst thing you can do is to set a boundary, issue an ultimatum...and then NOT enforce it. If your boundary is "stop talking with him or move the hell out"...then you'd better be willing to ENFORCE that "move the hell out" if she doesn't stop talking immediately. Make it clear...there is a line...if she crosses the line, her marriage, her friendship, and any hope of a future with you in it is GONE, IRREVOCABLY. And be ready and willing to enforce that boundary. Make sure she SEES that you mean it when you tell her this. And do it ASAP...before she gets the chance to get her feet underneath her. If she says no...then grab the suitcases and hand them to her. Don't give her time to think about it. Tell her that it's her choice...you'll call the cab for her to leave. 1
Author icDude Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 i hear you Owl, But I have no right to kick her out of our house in the state I live in. My hands are tied according to my lawyer, unless I file the papers. He also told me not to leave the house either, we have three kids that we both care for as well. To the other responders... I have exposed the affair to her family, my family, her friends, and he knows I know and I have contacted him. I have attempted to contact his wife as well. She now knows about the affair as well, but maybe not the extent. I'm waiting until the MC session to give the ultimatum because I think the mediation might help get things clear. (I am also not sure I want to do it). But I need to be strong. The problem is that I do not want to rip the lives of my children apart. (that's a major thing holding me back.)
turnera Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 She's doing that already. She's planning on how to replace you with him. 2
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