2muchlove Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 (edited) Some of you may have kept up with my postings. But for those who haven't I'm under the serious impression that my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. I know I'm no psychologist but after reading everything about it, it makes too much sense. Whether or not she does have it she definitely had a rough upbringing with a physically and emotionally abusive mom who I also think has BPD. Even the way she interacts with her mom today screams disgust and disrespect on both of their terms even though they do genuinely care for each other at times. It's the strangest thing. Also, she started partying at the tender age of 14 to escape her mom. While maintaining a 3.5+ gpa. My question is... Is my ex really to blame for the way she turned out? I can't help but feel a little guilty reacting the way I did about her completely destroying my heart and self-esteem. It's a lot easier to hate someone for wronging you. But, how can you blame someone who had such little control over her upbringing and the disorder they developed in the process? Is it really HER fault? Edited August 15, 2012 by 2muchlove
Mike_d Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Is my ex really to blame for the way she turned out? no. but she is responsible for her behav and actions, and can choose to get help. most bpd are aware that there is a prob, the prob is though that most think it is with everybody else, is what makes bpd so wunderbar... I can't help but feel a little guilty reacting the way I did about her completely destroying my heart and self-esteem. your feelings are not wrong, sounds like they were pretty honest. give yourself some time, we're both at about the same point along and I know that I'm still dealing with a truckload of internal crap to process still, hard to be patient, but do-able, big breath, ok But, how can you blame someone who had such little control over her upbringing and the disorder they developed in the process? Is it really HER fault? you'd get some relief from all this if you can start to work on forgiving her. yes it is her fault. yes it is your fault too. but she is human, effed up, mentally challenged. she is doing the best she can with what she has, its not going to be anything approaching perfect. we romanticize about the best parts, the best moments and turn a blind eye towards the horrible times when we look back. you are trying to rationalize an irrational situation, the dots are not going to line up, you are not going to be able to think yourself out of this.
Author 2muchlove Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 no. but she is responsible for her behav and actions, and can choose to get help. most bpd are aware that there is a prob, the prob is though that most think it is with everybody else, is what makes bpd so wunderbar... your feelings are not wrong, sounds like they were pretty honest. give yourself some time, we're both at about the same point along and I know that I'm still dealing with a truckload of internal crap to process still, hard to be patient, but do-able, big breath, ok you'd get some relief from all this if you can start to work on forgiving her. yes it is her fault. yes it is your fault too. but she is human, effed up, mentally challenged. she is doing the best she can with what she has, its not going to be anything approaching perfect. we romanticize about the best parts, the best moments and turn a blind eye towards the horrible times when we look back. you are trying to rationalize an irrational situation, the dots are not going to line up, you are not going to be able to think yourself out of this. I like your perspective. I know it's not my responsibility. But in this case I don't think she has even heard of BPD. Do you think telling her about the possibility of her having it would be futile? Because even though I can't stand her now I know down the line I'd hate to see her miserable because she can't keep a relationship.
Mike_d Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I like your perspective. I know it's not my responsibility. But in this case I don't think she has even heard of BPD. Do you think telling her about the possibility of her having it would be futile? Because even though I can't stand her now I know down the line I'd hate to see her miserable because she can't keep a relationship. lol, think about her much?? kidding... you already know that if you tell her she'll just reject it. nothing you can do here. know you care, but is this worrying about someone you are not going to be with again really the best thing you can be focusing on? none of this is your responsibility, none of this is anything you can do anything about. are you using this as a means to maintain the sense of having a hold on her still, so that you don't have to do the painful moving forward? are you will to just let go and let whatever is going to happen happen? you trying to maintain a sense of control? have you checked in with yourself about your actions in a really honest way?
Tree_Salmon Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I'm pretty sure my ex had BPD. It makes all the sense in the world now.
Drseussgrrl Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 What matters is how it affects YOU. This post reeks of codependency. 2
Drseussgrrl Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 And please, for the love of God, don't tell her you think she has BPD. 1
Author 2muchlove Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 lol, think about her much?? kidding... you already know that if you tell her she'll just reject it. nothing you can do here. know you care, but is this worrying about someone you are not going to be with again really the best thing you can be focusing on? none of this is your responsibility, none of this is anything you can do anything about. are you using this as a means to maintain the sense of having a hold on her still, so that you don't have to do the painful moving forward? are you will to just let go and let whatever is going to happen happen? you trying to maintain a sense of control? have you checked in with yourself about your actions in a really honest way? Well Mike, There's no doubt I still think about her all the time. And as much as I'd like to think I hate her, the truth is I never really learned how to hate anybody in my entire life. Making it impossible to hate someone I loved so much. And I unfortunately still have a lot love for her. Not to mention I was even better before she text me and called yesterday. Some improvements I've managed to make though: -I'm able to hang out with people and genuinely have a good time. -I can go a day without crying. -I'm MUCH less depressed. -I'm starting to see the light. This post reeks of codependency. I don't deny my codependency. But it was my fault I let that happen and I'm addressing it the best I can with what I have.
pteromom Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Is it really HER fault? No, it isn't. However - it is still your responsibility to make your life what you want it to be. It is ok to accept her for who she is, love her, and still let her go so you can find what you want.
steveblack Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Bpd, adhd, alcoholic, drugs crazy, whatever. When you take a step back, maybe not right now, we will all realize that this breakup is NOT ANYBODIES fault. It just happens. You not being with them does not mean that you are less of a man, not a good bf, not a good person, etc, it means it wasn't meant to be right now or ever. I had to walk around the block during work today cause i went into this mood thinking about something similar with my ex. It took my 20 minutes to get out of the funk and say. I accept this, **** it, I am a good man, and none of this is my fault. I did what I could.... Just let her go and stop over analyzing stuff that you can not control.
flitzanu Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 i've been through this same thought process about my ex and BPD. it's highly possible she's just a bitch. as for telling her? no. you can mask your position with caring about her and that it isn't about the two of you, but it's ultimately about you telling her and hoping you open her eyes to this whole new thing, and for her to realize she has a personality disorder. then she gets help, realizes her mistakes and you're her new god that saved her and she sees you were perfect. nope. you can tell me that i'm assuming and this isn't what you think, but i'm not going to believe you, bc as i said, i had this exact same inner dialogue. here's how your conversation will go. you: "hey ex, i think you may have BDP, it's this personality disorder..." her: "OH, SO YOU THINK I'M F'KNG CRAZY?? HOW ABOUT YOU MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE BECAUSE I HAVE" you: "no no, it's not your fault, you're not crazy, it just means chemically you're maladjusted, and..." her: "NO YOU LISTEN, STOP CONTACTING ME, I DUMPED YOU AND NOW YOU WANT TO BLAME IT ON ME BEING CRAZY?? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??" you: "......um" honestly, it's the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. don't ever suggest a girl is "crazy". women by nature are much more in tune with (their) emotions than men (bc they're from Venus) and if you DARE try to tell a girl how she "feels" or "why" she behaves, she's going to rip your throat out. 2
Author 2muchlove Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 No, it isn't. However - it is still your responsibility to make your life what you want it to be. It is ok to accept her for who she is, love her, and still let her go so you can find what you want. You're right, I guess I'm still in the process unfortunately. Bpd, adhd, alcoholic, drugs crazy, whatever. When you take a step back, maybe not right now, we will all realize that this breakup is NOT ANYBODIES fault. It just happens. You not being with them does not mean that you are less of a man, not a good bf, not a good person, etc, it means it wasn't meant to be right now or ever. I had to walk around the block during work today cause i went into this mood thinking about something similar with my ex. It took my 20 minutes to get out of the funk and say. I accept this, **** it, I am a good man, and none of this is my fault. I did what I could.... Just let her go and stop over analyzing stuff that you can not control. I'm analyzing a lot less than I used to. I didn't mean to give the impression I once thought it was all her fault the relationship didn't work. My main point was to understand whether or not I could really have negative feelings when in reality she's just a victim of her own self. And I was just along for the ride.
Author 2muchlove Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 lol Flitzanu. Was that an actual conversation you had? I suppose you're right. But it's not something I would be comfortable telling her until we have a purely platonic relationship anyways because of that reason. Either way I'll just drop the whole telling her thing.
Xestenz Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I'm going through similar mental gymnastics myself right now (and just posted about breaking 2 months of no contact to empathize with my ex's position). I vacillate between anger and empathy, anger and empathy. I also recognize my codependency issues as revealed by this broken relationship, and I have not yet been able to fully let go. I acknowledge that my constant attempts to 'figure this out' or to forgive and blame is just a trick of my ego to feel there is something there still -- but I know there is not. I am determined to overcome this codependency and fully heal and move on as a better person. 3
flitzanu Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 lol Flitzanu. Was that an actual conversation you had? I suppose you're right. But it's not something I would be comfortable telling her until we have a purely platonic relationship anyways because of that reason. Either way I'll just drop the whole telling her thing. haha, no, i'm just really good at anticipating those conversations based on the many i've had. i will say though, i'd vaguely mentioned it on facebook once, the same question you were saying, "if you believed someone to suffer from BPD would you want to tell them and how?" and it's possibly coincidental, but my ex submitted a picture of me to failblog/ugliest tattoos. it was either ironic...the action versus the idea of being BPD....or purely coincidental. after that i just gave up wondering and being concerned with her (or any future girl i date) as having a personality disorder. (but i do still think she's BPD bc she behaved so irrationally and matched all the behavior symptoms)
veggirl Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 BPD is the new disorder du jour. It's ridiculous how much it gets thrown around. I think your ex sounds dramatic, immature, and insecure. That's all. No, you should not feel guilty. in fact it would probably be best for you to NOT be internet diagnosing her with BPD. A trained professional can do that. You reading descriptions on the internet and thinking "oh that fits her" does not mean anything. And now you are using it as an excuse for her behavior. Not good.
Author 2muchlove Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 haha, no, i'm just really good at anticipating those conversations based on the many i've had. i will say though, i'd vaguely mentioned it on facebook once, the same question you were saying, "if you believed someone to suffer from BPD would you want to tell them and how?" and it's possibly coincidental, but my ex submitted a picture of me to failblog/ugliest tattoos. it was either ironic...the action versus the idea of being BPD....or purely coincidental. after that i just gave up wondering and being concerned with her (or any future girl i date) as having a personality disorder. (but i do still think she's BPD bc she behaved so irrationally and matched all the behavior symptoms) Damn bro, that's ****ed up. But funny. BPD is the new disorder du jour. It's ridiculous how much it gets thrown around. I think your ex sounds dramatic, immature, and insecure. That's all. No, you should not feel guilty. in fact it would probably be best for you to NOT be internet diagnosing her with BPD. A trained professional can do that. You reading descriptions on the internet and thinking "oh that fits her" does not mean anything. And now you are using it as an excuse for her behavior. Not good. I don't think its being thrown around lightly. But I do think people who were in relationships with BPDers are more likely to come to a place like this because of the traumatizing effect it can have on some people. With that said I didn't diagnose her myself. I didn't even know that was a thing until I received counseling shortly after the break up and he recommended a book to me (I hate you, don't leave me.) after I told him all of the details. And no he didn't diagnose her either. I haven't yet read the book but I feel confident that I did enough research to know that she holds every quality and interaction to the TEE! So obviously I'm more inclined to believe that's the case. And I'm sure it's the same way for anybody on here that claims to have a BPD ex. You're just as reliable as we are if not less, as you undiagnose our diagnosis. At least we saw it first person. You on the other hand don't even know us from anything, let alone our spouse.
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