Just broke up with my gf... feeling really down and upset

[fray5]

Update: Feeling pretty good this morning! It's the first time I've gotten a good nights rest since the break up. It's now been a full week so hopefully that's a good sign. I don't want to jenks myself but I'm hoping it only continues to get better from here. I'm starting to see more of the reasons why I was so unhappy. I'm thinking the relationship was so stressful and brought me down to a point that has made coping with the break up so much more difficult. I'm still getting thoughts about what she might be doing at times, but it's getting less intense and easier to replace these with good things. The thing that has been hard is remembering these good things in my life bc I neglected them while I was with her. My family has been great and I'm even starting to find more disappointment in myself bc i think I let her pull me away from them. I mean, I was thinking of possibly leaving my job and moving up there away from my family to be with her. I think this also added to the intensity of the break up.

 

Another thing I'm thinking is that my ex seems to be just fine without me. This does bother me bc I wonder how she can just drop me like that and have no problem at all. It is still making me a little insecure and questioning some things about myself. What I've been trying to train myself to think is "it's not you, it's just that she's not a good person, she's selfish and treated you horribly, you'd be settling if you stayed with her, you're far better off out of this relationship"--- is that a good thought process to have? My friends and fam have told me these things and that's why I keep thinking of them, seems to help. My one buddy told me I could get a far better looking girl than her because he said I'm too good-looking and he was serious. A little weird and shallow but for some reason it made me smile and feel good. Does it sound like I'm on my way to keep feeling better? Thanks again for all the help you all!

 

I also wanted to add I deleted her number from my phone last night. It was hard but somewhat of a relief!

[Emilia]

It does sound that you are feeling better. Don't worry about her, the way you described her before, she is exactly the kind of person who would come across in a certain way after a break up. It doesn't matter whether that's real or not, what matters is that you now have to opportunity to look for a girl who will make you happy

[fray5]

It does sound that you are feeling better. Don't worry about her, the way you described her before, she is exactly the kind of person who would come across in a certain way after a break up. It doesn't matter whether that's real or not, what matters is that you now have to opportunity to look for a girl who will make you happy

 

Thanks so much, Emilia! You're right and I'm thinking whatever girl I date next (which is after whenever I'm finished healing up) will look like an angel compared to this last one lol. I'm starting to see in my thinking too all the red flags I had which I completely ignored. Def going to pay attention to these in the future. Hopefully this feeling better will only continue from here!

[fray5]

Hey you all, I received a text from her this morning. She asked "How are you doing?"

 

I was doing just fine I thought, but ever since I got her text it's been hard. I never replied back to her text and the last time I talked to her I never said if I was continuing no contact. Should I say something to her like I'm taking time for myself or just continue to ignore her. I don't want to come off as an a**hole or should I just leave it and say nothing?

[mickleb]

Hey fray!

 

Sorry I haven't been around for a few days. I've been a bit busy with work!

 

Sounds like you had one step backwards in order to take more than a few forwards! It can go like this. I'm really pleased to hear you sounding much more positive, and making a lot of sense.

 

Don't get worried if you have another dip, many even - the point is, you ARE healing. Every day you lift is proof that you can get wherever you want to go. You will end up pointing in the right direction, no matter how much you spin when you try to move.

 

Seems to me your ex's behaviour is continuing to confirm what you thought was the case. She is very self-absorbed. You gave a lot of yourself because you're generous but, you know, that's okay. You sound like you've got plenty to go back to. Good for you.

 

Keep posting, as you need to. I'll be reading, even if I don't always have the time to reply.

[mickleb]

Hey you all, I received a text from her this morning. She asked "How are you doing?"

 

I was doing just fine I thought, but ever since I got her text it's been hard. I never replied back to her text and the last time I talked to her I never said if I was continuing no contact. Should I say something to her like I'm taking time for myself or just continue to ignore her. I don't want to come off as an a**hole or should I just leave it and say nothing?

 

Hi fray.

 

Didn't see this before posting my last comments.

 

Any contact with her will continue to complicate your life, at the moment. You don't need to contact her to explain you're sticking to the NC you tried to establish earlier. However, you are the type that could over-think this, so if you want to go ahead and apologise for breaking NC before but that you wish to reinstate it now, and that you hope she understands - feel free. BUT THEN STICK TO IT!

 

Because you've broken it a couple of times, you may find she gets angry or simply doesn't believe you - and tries to pursue contact further. You must ignore her.

 

Hope this helps, and try not to worry too much - you'll have another good day soon. Look forward to it.

[fray5]

Hi fray.

 

Didn't see this before posting my last comments.

 

Any contact with her will continue to complicate your life, at the moment. You don't need to contact her to explain you're sticking to the NC you tried to establish earlier. However, you are the type that could over-think this, so if you want to go ahead and apologise for breaking NC before but that you wish to reinstate it now, and that you hope she understands - feel free. BUT THEN STICK TO IT!

 

Because you've broken it a couple of times, you may find she gets angry or simply doesn't believe you - and tries to pursue contact further. You must ignore her.

 

Hope this helps, and try not to worry too much - you'll have another good day soon. Look forward to it.

 

Actually, mickleb, I think I'm just going to leave it. I am the type to overthink things and when I started to write the email, I did just that haha. I'm assuming she should understand what I'm doing by not responding and hopefully respect that. Do you think that sounds right? Also, her actions now do seem to confirm she is pretty self-absorbed. I was reading a post on the break up section about narcisists and she seems to fit into that category pretty well. I just can't tell if she is pitying me and asking if I'm ok or if she is trying to keep me from moving on. What do you think?

Edited August 23, 2012 by fray5

[mickleb]

Actually, mickleb, I think I'm just going to leave it. I am the type to overthink things and when I started to write the email, I did just that haha. I'm assuming she should understand what I'm doing by not responding and hopefully respect that. Do you think that sounds right? Also, her actions now do seem to confirm she is pretty self-absorbed. I was reading a post on the break up section about narcisists and she seems to fit into that category pretty well. I just can't tell if she is pitying me and asking if I'm ok or if she is trying to keep me from moving on. What do you think?

 

To your first question: She has a brain, she can figure it out, right? (Impressed you've taken this choice, actually! Good for you. )

 

To the second question: The latter. She will use you whenever she can, I think. (I might be wrong but that's my feeling.)

[fray5]

To your first question: She has a brain, she can figure it out, right? (Impressed you've taken this choice, actually! Good for you. )

 

To the second question: The latter. She will use you whenever she can, I think. (I might be wrong but that's my feeling.)

 

 

Thanks mickleb!

 

I felt pretty good for most of yesterday evening and got some pretty good rest again last night.

 

This morning I have a couple things that are on my mind so I was wanting to get them out there:

I keep thinking of how happy my ex sounded on the phone and a couple of the things she said such as "I didn't want to go out with my friends while you're sitting at home wondering if I've fu***d anyone" and she when she told me she was happy I told her knowing that she's more happy now helps me and she then said she that was weird and she figured it'd do the opposite-- What was she trying to do by saying these things or was she implying anything at all? I can't tell if she's at a tactic to try to get me to come after her or what? She hasn't tried contacting me anymore since the text I ignored yesterday morning.

 

Also, she should understand that she's the one the provoked the break up, right? The more I've been thinking the more I'm irritated that she couldn't do it herself. I'm thinking maybe it's bc she did it the first time and didn't want to hurt my feelings this time. Then, the thought of her saying she didn't agree I tried my best comes to mind; like she was saying if I tried harder things might've worked. What's all that about?

 

Sorry for all the questions, they've sort of piled up this morning and I need some clarification!

Edited August 24, 2012 by fray5

[fray5]

It's so weird bc since my last post, the thinking I've done seems to be getting more clear- not sure if this is bc I had an awesome coffee from starbucks but I think I'll take it.

 

Here's where my current thoughts are about how and why things happened, so please let me know if this sounds close...

 

My ex obviously wanted out of the relationship. She pushed me away and left it in my hands bc she didn't want to break my heart again as she did once before and/or also wanted to keep me around as a "security blanket" (thanks mickleb). This honestly hurts to admit and makes me feel a little pitiful, but I'm thinking it might be close to what's right. She wanted out of the relationship bc of several factors: the distance, she realized neither one of us were going to move based upon our jobs/family, she wanted to go out to party/experience a mid-twenties crisis, etc to name a few.

 

Now, I don't agree with how she approached this. It seems immature and she also thinks we can just be friends on top of this. I think she wants this for the same reason she stayed with me- to keep me around as a security blanket. I am not going to be that.

 

Does it sound like I'm making sense? It is normal that my feelings are hurt bc I feel like she almost pitied me or something? How do i deal with these feelings? Should I just assume that I deserve better? I mean she went about this in the completely wrong way, right?

 

Also, I still get this awful thought that she's hooking up with a coworker; it truly sickens me. How can I make those thoughts stop?! Will they get better with time?

Edited August 24, 2012 by fray5

[mickleb]

Hi fray.

 

You're getting better at answering your own questions. This is ultimately the goal, as no-one here can do this for you. You appear to be finding that the feedback on here is helpful, but that just articulating your thoughts (by writing them down) helps you to create your own, internal feedback. When we've become, to some degree, reliant on someone else's opinion of us (as we do in an intimate relationship), it's very empowering when we remember we are capable of doing this all alone.

 

I can't verify or exclude anything you've said: your thoughts on this are informed by so much more than I am. I can't only offer my opinion based on what you've said. So, I think you are pretty close with your assumptions, but I'm not quite sure 'pity' is the right word.

 

When you have the dynamic between two people where one is happy to give more and the other is happy to take, the one who does the taking usually is aware (on some level) that this is wrong. They don't have the strength to admit THEY are in the wrong (if they were stronger, they'd be able to give equally), so they prefer to believe there is a problem with the giver. They don't want to stop taking (too weak) but, to feel more comfortable about it, they choose to respect the giver less. They see them as weak.

 

Now, giving too much can be a sign of weakness. And one of life's hardest lessons is to figure out who we should give to, and who we should let help themselves. One way we can do this is to only give when we desire nothing in return. We find we have less to give when we do this because we accept we are reliant only on ourselves for our own happiness, but we also find giving to be much more pleasurable. The people who are able to be self-reliant, in this way, and give extra are the strongest people I can imagine. IF you were giving to her, in order to receive something - respect, kindness, loyalty etc. - you were vulnerable. And a taker can sense vulnerability like a shark can taste blood.

 

Does a shark pity its prey? Does a bully pity her victim? Unlikey. How can you attack something you feel sorry for? No, it's easier to bury those feelings and justify your behaviour. You respect your own needs over those of your victim and take. You respect your victim less than yourself. If you give, it is only in order to take more, later. If your taking hurts your victim, well - you'll give them a little something to help them get better enough to give more to you again.

 

The taker is weaker than the giver. They need the supply more than the supplier, but the supplier can choose who to supply to. You have chosen to cut off her supply. Good for you, find a better 'customer' who has something to offer you that you want.

 

She kept you around because she liked what you gave. She left you once, maybe, because she pitied you (not necessarily - she might have been pursuing a different supplier) but she returned because she was weak, and didn't receive what she needed. Your leaving her was you showing the shark your teeth. Suddenly, the shark has to respect its prey. She might act out in a whole host of ways, in her surprise: super-nice, super-cool, super-teary, super-slutty. She's in shock. But, she does have more respect for you now. Initially, she may feel justified for taking as much as she did - you're okay, so she needn't feel guilty. But soon enough, she'll need her supply again. She'll try to get it wherever she can. You can remind her that she needs to be looking within (by ignoring her). In the meantime, don't take her words too seriously at the moment, and learn how to trust your gut, again, instead.

 

Hope my psychology hour has been helpful for you - it's reminded me of a few things I can sometimes forget! (Let me know if it didn't. It was a bit vague.. )

Edited August 25, 2012 by mickleb

[fray5]

Hi fray.

 

You're getting better at answering your own questions. This is ultimately the goal, as no-one here can do this for you. You appear to be finding that the feedback on here is helpful, but that just articulating your thoughts (by writing them down) helps you to create your own, internal feedback. When we've become, to some degree, reliant on someone else's opinion of us (as we do in an intimate relationship), it's very empowering when we remember we are capable of doing this all alone.

 

I can't verify or exclude anything you've said: your thoughts on this are informed by so much more than I am. I can't only offer my opinion based on what you've said. So, I think you are pretty close with your assumptions, but I'm not quite sure 'pity' is the right word.

 

When you have the dynamic between two people where one is happy to give more and the other is happy to take, the one who does the taking usually is aware (on some level) that this is wrong. They don't have the strength to admit THEY are in the wrong (if they were stronger, they'd be able to give equally), so they prefer to believe there is a problem with the giver. They don't want to stop taking (too weak) but, to feel more comfortable about it, they choose to respect the giver less. They see them as weak.

 

Now, giving too much can be a sign of weakness. And one of life's hardest lessons is to figure out who we should give to, and who we should let help themselves. One way we can do this is to only give when we desire nothing in return. We find we have less to give when we do this because we accept we are reliant only on ourselves for our own happiness, but we also find giving to be much more pleasurable. The people who are able to be self-reliant, in this way, and give extra are the strongest people I can imagine. IF you were giving to her, in order to receive something - respect, kindness, loyalty etc. - you were vulnerable. And a taker can sense vulnerability like a shark can taste blood.

 

Does a shark pity its prey? Does a bully pity her victim? Unlikey. How can you attack something you feel sorry for? No, it's easier to bury those feelings and justify your behaviour. You respect your own needs over those of your victim and take. You respect your victim less than yourself. If you give, it is only in order to take more, later. If your taking hurts your victim, well - you'll give them a little something to help them get better enough to give more to you again.

 

The taker is weaker than the giver. They need the supply more than the supplier, but the supplier can choose who to supply to. You have chosen to cut off her supply. Good for you, find a better 'customer' who has something to offer you that you want.

 

She kept you around because she liked what you gave. She left you once, maybe, because she pitied you (not necessarily - she might have been pursuing a different supplier) but she returned because she was weak, and didn't receive what she needed. Your leaving her was you showing the shark your teeth. Suddenly, the shark has to respect its prey. She might act out in a whole host of ways, in her surprise: super-nice, super-cool, super-teary, super-slutty. She's in shock. But, she does have more respect for you now. Initially, she may feel justified for taking as much as she did - you're okay, so she needn't feel guilty. But soon enough, she'll need her supply again. She'll try to get it wherever she can. You can remind her that she needs to be looking within (by ignoring her). In the meantime, don't take her words too seriously at the moment, and learn how to trust your gut, again, instead.

 

Hope my psychology hour has been helpful for you - it's reminded me of a few things I can sometimes forget! (Let me know if it didn't. It was a bit vague.. )

 

Your psychology hour was very helpful! Thank you! Sorry I'm just getting to reply. I stayed pretty busy this past wkend which was nice bc it kept my mind off of things for the most part. I think a lot of what you said is pretty much spot on. When I'm reading it, I keep asking myself "how can someone be like this".

 

The first time we broke up it was bc she said I was being overprotective bc I asked about some posts on FB that were very flirty and inappropriate with one of her guy friends. I assumed she was getting attention somewhere else, like you said, another supplier. When I went NC she came back 2 wks later. I asked her if she was seeing or talking to anyone else during the breakup before I got back with her. She said no but honestly, would she have told me if she was? Another thing that I know and hopefully you can tell me if I'm close is that for her to not be trying to text/talk to me as much- she's gotta be getting that attention from somewhere, right? I'm telling ya, this girl texts and is on her phone NON-STOP! Also, your comment about how when that supply runs out she gets weak and needs it again sounds very much like her. I still haven't heard from her since the last time I ignored her text this past thursday, but her friend did text me. I'm also friends with her and she just made some small comment about a movie we both like. It was still weird though bc I haven't really heard from her since the breakup. She's had some health problems so I replied back and asked how she was doing. I kind of feel like that may have been some indirect contact from my ex- either to confirm I ignored her text the couple days before or to try to see how I'm doing. What do you think? Another thing that is really weird is that my ex hasn't been posting at all on FB when she used to be on there like crazy. I never blocked her bc I felt anything I saw would give me ammo on moving on quicker lol.

 

I wanted to post some more of where I'm at right now on things. Like I said, the weekend went really well. There were a few times I wondered what she was doing and envisioned her with another guy and while it hurt, it didn't last as long. For last night and this morning, it feels like my mind is trying to convince me of things that I did wrong that may have prevented things. I feel like I'm blaming myself a little and thinking I caused things. Is this a normal thought? Those last 3 weeks when things just suddenly turned downhill, when I started to worry, she could've been more comforting if she really cared couldn't have she? I remember she said she couldn't give me reassurance all the time (it'd actually only been a few times). I'm thinking "well maybe I was too whiney" but the fact she spoke to me so uninterested and quit initiating phone/skype conversations was enough to make me worry, right? Then, after the breakup, she said she knew she was being short with me but didn't know why. I'm trying to find an answer where things did go wrong, but I'm starting to think I may never know. One thing I do know is that if she really wanted to make things work and cared as much as I did, she would've tried harder those last 3 wks. It's just I feel like there had to be something that happened that caused all of it and maybe it was all my fault or maybe she's just crazy haha

Edited August 27, 2012 by fray5

[fray5]

Hey you all, I wanted to ask one more thing. There at the end, I had this conversation with her where I was on the phone and I started sounding like I was crying a little bit and upset. I was telling her she had hurt me for distancing herself and how she had been acting. I've been thinking about that conversation and I'm embarassed about it. Was that a really bad idea and did I lose some of my dignity for it? And then after I ran over my parents dog, I also talked to her and was actually crying then. Is this reasonable or was I over-reacting? Did she lose respect for me bc of this?

[Emilia]

It doesn't matter how she feels anymore. What matters is that you are healing. Within reason it doesn't matter what others think of you but how you feel about yourself. I think it was something you wanted to get out of your system and you did. I think that's what matters.

[fray5]

It doesn't matter how she feels anymore. What matters is that you are healing. Within reason it doesn't matter what others think of you but how you feel about yourself. I think it was something you wanted to get out of your system and you did. I think that's what matters.

 

Today makes one week of NC and two weeks since the breakup. I'm still thinking about her and yesterday I even felt like I wanted to contact her bc I missed her. Of course, I didn't, but is that still normal after this long? I'm worrying I made a mistake or something for some reason and it started driving me nuts yesterday. I guess I may be looking for some reassurance.