Hypothetical question for the men and ladies...

[Kelemvor]

I'm really trying to wrap my brain around the reality of a situation and/or person vs the female psychology.

 

I'm newly separated from my wife of 2 years. It's been a rough 2 years, roller coaster ride that when I stand back and take a look at everything I can identify some red flags before and during the marriage that were a bad prognosticator:

 

1) Rebound marriage after a breakup (knew each other in the past but dated after re-meeting each other again just a few months prior to marriage).. I had recently come out of a very bad breakup and def rebounded

2) Poor compatibility: On every level. Sex, interests, conversation topics, habits, hobbies, you name it. I guess you could say we both enjoy outdoor activities and going to the movies. Dinners were very dull as we had nothing in common to talk about or if we did, it was an effort on one of our parts.

3) Differing long term goals. I initially wanted kids, she was luke warm, then I shifted after our marriage was on the rocks and said I wasn't sure if I ever wanted kids until marriage stabilized and all of the sudden she was desperate for them.

 

I could go on and on but basically I took a good look at everything and realized that even though I care for her, I never fell back in love with her. I have always missed being a single bachelor since a few months into the marriage and regretted getting married. She has verbally stated that she is aware that I (am not in love with her, do not want a family or life with her, do not find her sexually attractive or desire intimacy with her). I can't deny those allegations and have not been a good husband for her. I have a high stress job that demands much of my life and she has been a very dutiful, doting, (does everything right) kind of wife. I mean... the type that is from Ozzie and Harriet, where the house is spotless, the dinner is made, thoughtful things brought home after work. The woman is a saint, but I've always felt it's like leverage used against me...("look at all I'm doing for you... now you do X for me...") Does that make sense?

 

Anyway, I'm really beyond pointing fingers as there are more to point at my faults in the marriage but the essential truth of the matter is that I just do not love this woman or can give this woman the things she so desperately wants and needs from me.

 

I'm a huge sucker for tears. I think she knows this? I say that because every time I have brought up the state of our marriage or hinted that I might want to go our separate ways... she dissolves into bouts of torrential crying and sobbing. I essentially freak out and am desperate to do anything to stop her crying. This essentially ends whatever argument or situation that we were in, or I'm so angry/frustrated that I just leave the room and lock myself away so as to not cause any more crying. I've literally come back later and found her on the floor with tissues and tried to pick her up and she just kind of fends me off.

 

I made the hard decision recently to just realize that I'm slipping more and more into a depression and this marriage is going nowhere. I left, and have moved out to figure out what I want to do. (Most likely divorce... and soon.) The problem is.. she sends unceasing love type text messages, emails that are religious and full of things like "i'm not giving up on us", etc.. and besides making me feel terrible, I'm just trying to figure this whole thing out.

 

I don't know if I'm the worst human being in the world, or if I'm being manipulated by someone that is so good at it that I just can't see it? I mean, I have essentially supported her financially in almost every way for 2 years since our marriage. I have bailed her out of financial debt several thousand fold. She's a good woman and wife, but has been 100% taken care of since we were married. I have worked hard in my career and make a significant amount of money (although I'm in tremendous debt from my education, so I consider it monopoly money until my debt is paid off which could take years), so the only thing she stands to gain is being married to someone who could financially take care of any desire she needed and provide economic stability, but.... does a woman really want to be married to someone whom she knows does not love her or have any of the feelings I mentioned earlier? Am I just married to a saint and don't know it? Or am I being manipulated by someone petrified of being on their own after 2 years of being taken care of completely? I'm ready to put plenty of money into her account to make sure she's comfortable and gets off on a good foot and she has a good job right now, but for the life of me I can't understand why she would continue in this way when I've essentially been an absent husband both physically, emotionally and spiritually since day 1. I'll freely admit that I'm just not a good husband and have no desire to marry again, but I can't figure out why she keeps trying when the "D" word has come up so many times before.

 

Are there really woman that are so committed and "in love" that they will tolerate anything? Or are women manipulative in this way or just simply afraid of being alone?

 

I'm just trying to figure this whole thing out although it probably won't affect my ultimate decision. Sigh...

[Kelemvor]

Also, I have no idea how to go about the divorce. I don't think I'm strong enough to sit her down and ask her to sign something. Can a lawyer facilitate the entire process or do we def have to meet face to face?

 

I can't decide how long to wait until I file... Is 1 week too soon? Maybe I should give her more time to get used to the idea?

[Balzac]

Hire a capable attorney, file immediately. Consult a tax specialist to ensure that you structure her money transfer to the best advantage for BOTH parties.

 

I seriously doubt that you need a face to face. At most, separate board rooms, same legal firm.

 

You can do nothing about her tears. Lawyers are used to crying women. Sounds like you are miserable and I'd recommend ceasing your mission to understand her motivations.

 

Get the process started.

Edited August 14, 2012 by Balzac
Taking action restores control to your life.

[tojaz]

Have you fessed up to the affair?

[LaDiva]

Have you fessed up to the affair?

 

yikes! I was initially thinking that perhaps OP feels like his wife has no ambition or goals in life, but then I re-read the post and it seems like he is aware that his wife is 100% about their marriage.

 

So she is working toward something, I just wonder why OP is displeased that all the things that his wife has been doing? What gives sir?

[Kelemvor]

No, you don't understand... She has ambition and is in a stable job after being without for close to a year. This was the period that we had the most trouble but I didn't feel right divorcing her while she was without a viable way to care for herself. Yes, that's my point... she "appears" to be 100% about the marriage and making it work, in spite of 2 years of what we both can admit was an intense struggle, and we both freely admit that we couldn't do "another year like the last 2". This post wasn't mean to analyze my motives or seek help in trying to figure out why I'm unhappy. I just am and I no longer want to be married, right or wrong. I'm just simply trying to figure out whether a woman who KNOWS her husband doesn't want to be married to her, and has obviously known that for a very long time, can actually be 100% committed to a marriage? It just doesn't make sense to me. It would make more sense if she were afraid of being alone or having to take care of herself. (She doesn't know that I'm about to put plenty of money into her account, and I'm sure the lawyers would get more for her...) I know she's talked to a lawyer at some point after I had told her that I had spoken to one, but she doesn't know that I have this knowledge. She's also not struggling while in the house, as all the expenses: mortgage, utilities, cable, etc.. has always been paid by me and is auto drafted from my account, so she's under no financial strain during this process whatsoever. She's never been required or asked to pay for anything because after I paid off all of her credit card debt, I simply asked her to try to save money to start paying on her student loans and that was the best thing she could do with her money. Anyway, she's definitely under no financial duress at the moment.

 

Tojaz, no I have no admitted to the affair that I had earlier in our marriage. Believe me, I've thought intensely about it and WANT to for the sake that I feel it would make all of this easier, but what I find I'm dealing with.... is a person who, at least "tells" me that they blame themself for virtually everything that has gone wrong and they also blame themself for my unhappiness even though I've stated on multiple occasions that it's all my fault and I'm just not a good husband. I guarantee you... what would happen is that she would think back to when I had the affair, and realize it was during the worst months of our marriage and then have something NEW to blame herself for... So, I'm just leaving it out because I don't see how it does anything other than torture someone who is already being tortured enough. If I were to try to make things work, then I'd more than likely confess, but I really see no point at this juncture and I'm afraid that instead of using it to be angry at me and help move through the divorce, she would instead blame herself wrongly. She's almost like the perfect martyr and I feel that's how she wants to end the marriage. That way she could say that she tried everything literally to the very end and it was 100% my fault. I don't mind taking the blame for that, but I wish I knew what was going on inside of her head.

 

Also, keep in mind that the affair is not the cause in the decline of our marriage whatsoever. It was on the rocks literally 2 weeks after going to the altar. We slept in separate bedrooms briefly at that time. It's been very rocky and unstable from the get go. I could analyze a million reasons why, but I don't see why it matters anymore at this point. After 2 years of no honeymoon bliss, no stability, not enough positive experiences and overwhelming negative experiences, depression, hopelessness, you finally just realize that sure... I could "work" at something for the rest of my life for the sake of fearing failure, but what a miserable life that would be.... At this point, I feel like.. enough is enough and I don't care who's to blame anymore. I really don't. I just want out of this miserable experience but just trying to understand her motives better. As I said, I "think" she just wants to exit as the martyr and have peace in knowing that she tried everything, and I'm fine with that.

 

Anyway, thanks Balzac, I found out that she contacted my accountant and her lawyer fairly quickly in spite of all the emails and text messages, so she can't be obIlivious to what appears obvious at this point. I haven't spoken to my lawyer yet so I guess I should get on that.

Edited August 15, 2012 by Kelemvor

[pteromom]

does a woman really want to be married to someone whom she knows does not love her or have any of the feelings I mentioned earlier?

 

Are there really woman that are so committed and "in love" that they will tolerate anything? Or are women manipulative in this way or just simply afraid of being alone?

 

Yes to all. There are women who are terrified of being alone. There are women who think if they say or do the right thing, she will win his love. There are women who hold onto an "I love you" said to her years ago and live in complete denial of the truth.

 

My guess? Your wife loves you and desperately wants you to love her back.

 

But you are right to walk away if you don't feel the same.

[trippi1432]

I guess I'm just left wondering who the real martyr is and who is the manipulator. Hmm, I would think that if she knew the truth about the affair instead of listening to the drivel of all the reasons he can't love her.....

 

1) Rebound marriage after a breakup (knew each other in the past but dated after re-meeting each other again just a few months prior to marriage).. I had recently come out of a very bad breakup and def rebounded

2) Poor compatibility: On every level. Sex, interests, conversation topics, habits, hobbies, you name it. I guess you could say we both enjoy outdoor activities and going to the movies. Dinners were very dull as we had nothing in common to talk about or if we did, it was an effort on one of our parts.

3) Differing long term goals. I initially wanted kids, she was luke warm, then I shifted after our marriage was on the rocks and said I wasn't sure if I ever wanted kids until marriage stabilized and all of the sudden she was desperate for them.

 

....well, her entire disposition would be different. See, even playing field does not bode well for a manipulator, paint it in any light you want, the truth is only about yourself when you don't share it and not love for another person when you withhold it, can't face it or run from it. The OP can't admit the affair as it would throw him in an even worse light. What I get from this post is that the OP always thought himself above his this woman, needed someone to get through his own pain and then found ways she didn't size up to his own expectations. Off to affair land, then swept it under the rug to say he didn't want to hurt her more than necessary. In his mind, he was the rescuer....the fixer, the knight in shining armor when he never really realized that perhaps she was there to rescue him right back (oh, wait, that only happens in the movies). In the real world, that makes her a doormat.

 

OP, it takes a lot longer to heal from a lie than it does the truth. If you are tired of her texts of how she will always hang on to you, level with her. A Saint will forgive you and want to make the marriage work...doesn't mean she is scared of being alone, it means she sees something you don't in yourself as a man. Something you didn't see in yourself that led you to an affair. It also carries the risk, the one you are scared to admit, that she can be happy with someone else or alone and that you may have needed her more than she needed you to begin with.

 

I'm going to say one more thing....you are not right to walk away if you don't feel the same, you were wrong to marry her in the first place when you never felt the same. Two years in and already in this position, you were not ready for marriage to begin with....who didn't want to be alone?

[tojaz]

Lets just keep it simple. When you were single you wanted to be married. Now that your married you want to be single. Tell her that, go above and beyond in the settlement, and take your lumps. This ones on you.

 

TOJAZ

[Kelemvor]

I guess I'm just left wondering who the real martyr is and who is the manipulator. Hmm, I would think that if she knew the truth about the affair instead of listening to the drivel of all the reasons he can't love her.....

 

 

 

....well, her entire disposition would be different. See, even playing field does not bode well for a manipulator, paint it in any light you want, the truth is only about yourself when you don't share it and not love for another person when you withhold it, can't face it or run from it. The OP can't admit the affair as it would throw him in an even worse light. What I get from this post is that the OP always thought himself above his this woman, needed someone to get through his own pain and then found ways she didn't size up to his own expectations. Off to affair land, then swept it under the rug to say he didn't want to hurt her more than necessary. In his mind, he was the rescuer....the fixer, the knight in shining armor when he never really realized that perhaps she was there to rescue him right back (oh, wait, that only happens in the movies). In the real world, that makes her a doormat.

 

OP, it takes a lot longer to heal from a lie than it does the truth. If you are tired of her texts of how she will always hang on to you, level with her. A Saint will forgive you and want to make the marriage work...doesn't mean she is scared of being alone, it means she sees something you don't in yourself as a man. Something you didn't see in yourself that led you to an affair. It also carries the risk, the one you are scared to admit, that she can be happy with someone else or alone and that you may have needed her more than she needed you to begin with.

 

I'm going to say one more thing....you are not right to walk away if you don't feel the same, you were wrong to marry her in the first place when you never felt the same. Two years in and already in this position, you were not ready for marriage to begin with....who didn't want to be alone?

 

lol.. I guess these posts cannot be avoided... Look, you don't know anything about me. Most people make defamatory and accusatory posts by projecting their own experiences or insight onto the other person. The reality, whether you want to accept it or not, is that I freely admit that I am more at fault than this woman, but I'm just trying to make sense of the situation. I don't need anyone in my life, that's my problem. I thought marriage would bring me happiness and it didn't. I'm just not a very good husband, as I've already stated. Whether you want to believe it or not, I have no problem admitting to an affair. It would be an infinitely easy way to bring closure to a relationship IF I thought the person would use the information in a responsible manner. However... I'm dealing with someone who literally blames themself for everything. I'm legitimately afraid, that it would worsen the situation and that she would blame my affair on the fact that she didn't do X or Y, and that's just not the case. I made a bad judgement call, fixed it, and lived with the secret, period. I'd love to use that as the ultimate "get out of marriage" card, but what does it gain? It's cruel, it's hurtful, and it gives a person like I'm describing potentially a new source of guilt. Don't you get it? Even though I may not be in love with her, I care about her enough to not do that to her, especially when we are ending a marriage. Hell, I sneaked into the house and removed any weapons that she might use in a fit of depression other day.

 

You can justifiably wag your finger at me all day long and I won't argue with you or defend myself, but at least I had the decency to care for this person economically when she had no job for a year and would have been destitute without my help. I had the decency, in spite of my infidelity, to not divorce her while she had no way of taking care of herself. At least I have saved up a more than fair amount of cash to make sure she is comfortable and can set out with a solid foot on the ground. At least I'm willing to give her more than any judge would require me to do, because I feel that it's the right thing to do. That's more than most men would be willing to do.

 

So, judge me all you want. I'm saving her from a miserable marriage, to a husband who is not the right one for her, and during the process, I'm making sure she's taken care of as well as I can and is as comfortable as possible and that the process is as painless as possible. Fault me all you want, but I really don't care. I know now what I'm good at and what I'm bad at, and life is about learning to avoid things that you're not very good at. Marriage, I will be avoiding. That doesn't make me a terrible person though. It's just not meant for me.

 

 

As for thinking I'm above her or whatever.. Sheesh. She's an intelligent and hard working girl. We have different financial goals and philosophies. I've bailed her out of thousands of dollars of debt during our marriage and again.. taken care of 100% of the expenses and only encouraged her to save money to pay on her loans. Give me a break. An affair totally turns me into the horrible husband I suppose and the wife that would have been better off without me. I have news for you, no she wouldn't have. It might have been a bad idea to marry, but I got her through probably one of the toughest points of her life career wise. I also can't help the way that I feel and it would be more cruel to drag this out 5 or 10 more years.

[Kelemvor]

Lets just keep it simple. When you were single you wanted to be married. Now that your married you want to be single. Tell her that, go above and beyond in the settlement, and take your lumps. This ones on you.

 

TOJAZ

 

I totally agree and am willing to give her more than most would feel is fair, simply for the fact that I flip flopped on what I really wanted and she didn't. Better to realize it after 2 years than 10 though.

[trippi1432]

I'd expect that rebuttal actually....women are feared here if they speak the truth...we are told to be mild mannered and put up with BS that is spoon fed. As you agreed, take your lumps and stop blaming others for your own short-comings, you flip-flopped, stop being a martyr. Like you said, you are doing her a favor (even though you accuse her of using you in your posts to validate your position). Be done with it and be gone....she will be better off. Personally, I don't think I judged that wrongly.

[Kelemvor]

I'd expect that rebuttal actually....women are feared here if they speak the truth...we are told to be mild mannered and put up with BS that is spoon fed. As you agreed, take your lumps and stop blaming others for your own short-comings, you flip-flopped, stop being a martyr. Like you said, you are doing her a favor (even though you accuse her of using you in your posts to validate your position). Be done with it and be gone....she will be better off. Personally, I don't think I judged that wrongly.

 

Heh... Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned, eh? Something tells me you've been on the receiving end of this stick to have such a venomous reply. Women feared if they speak the truth....excuse me, what? LOL... the only person who probably fears you is the man you're either already in a relationship with, or considering one, just not in the ways that you would like to perceive. I have no idea where your feministic "we are told to be X and X" came from... You've got some issues, don't you? It's also blatantly obvious that you didn't do more than take a cursory glance at my post. Again, I'm talking about "her" as the martyr, not me, and I don't recall blaming anyone for my mistake, rather I took responsibility for it in my last post.

 

Men aren't all inherently evil, although we do make some pretty dumb mistakes....so try to pound that through your militant, feministic brain.

Edited August 16, 2012 by Kelemvor

[trippi1432]

Heh... Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned, eh? Something tells me you've been on the receiving end of this stick to have such a venomous reply. Women feared if they speak the truth....excuse me, what? LOL... the only person who probably fears you is the man you're either already in a relationship with, or considering one, just not in the ways that you would like to perceive. I have no idea where your feministic "we are told to be X and X" came from... You've got some issues, don't you? It's also blatantly obvious that you didn't do more than take a cursory glance at my post. Again, I'm talking about "her" as the martyr, not me, and I don't recall blaming anyone for my mistake, rather I took responsibility for it in my last post.

 

Men aren't all inherently evil, although we do make some pretty dumb mistakes....so try to pound that through your militant, feministic brain.

 

Hmm, I asked my boyfriend if I had a militant, feministic brain because I take a very hard line at cheating, gaslighting and covering it up. Answer: Nope, glad you are wired like me...can I help you burn your bra now?

[Kelemvor]

Hmm, I asked my boyfriend if I had a militant, feministic brain because I take a very hard line at cheating, gaslighting and covering it up. Answer: Nope, glad you are wired like me...can I help you burn your bra now?

 

Sigh.. I'm glad your "boyfriend" agreed with you on cheating. Maybe this relationship will work out better than your last one. If you don't have anything productive to say, just stop posting and let the thread die. You're just wasting my brain cells at this point.

[LFH]

Ok... you asked some questions here's my feedback for what it's worth. This isn't my forum but your post caught my eye.

 

Yes a woman can be completely committed to a relationship to the point where she is willing to stay or devote basically her life to it. Her reasons may simply be that she loves you that much. She may have low self esteem, she may be afraid of being alone, she might have abandonment issues, she must just not want to feel like she failed.

 

Her tears may or may not be a form of manipulation, without knowing her, there's no way of knowing. I know some women that do that, I've never once used tears as a form of manipulation. If I'm crying I'm in pain, either physically injured or I've been emotionally hurt, badly.

 

You know you made a mistake in marrying her, in her logical mind, she knows that but her heart, she doesn't want to let go. Yo already had an affair, that doesn't happen in happy marriages. Trust me. THAT part I do know.

 

Do both of you a favor, just proceed with the dissolution and find what makes you happy so she can do the same too.

 

Oh... and how long to wait, don't wait. Just do it as soon as you can get an appointment.

Best of luck.

[Kelemvor]

Ok... you asked some questions here's my feedback for what it's worth. This isn't my forum but your post caught my eye.

 

Yes a woman can be completely committed to a relationship to the point where she is willing to stay or devote basically her life to it. Her reasons may simply be that she loves you that much. She may have low self esteem, she may be afraid of being alone, she might have abandonment issues, she must just not want to feel like she failed.

 

Her tears may or may not be a form of manipulation, without knowing her, there's no way of knowing. I know some women that do that, I've never once used tears as a form of manipulation. If I'm crying I'm in pain, either physically injured or I've been emotionally hurt, badly.

 

You know you made a mistake in marrying her, in her logical mind, she knows that but her heart, she doesn't want to let go. Yo already had an affair, that doesn't happen in happy marriages. Trust me. THAT part I do know.

 

Do both of you a favor, just proceed with the dissolution and find what makes you happy so she can do the same too.

 

Oh... and how long to wait, don't wait. Just do it as soon as you can get an appointment.

Best of luck.

 

Thank you. I think that was the most valuable and insightful response that I've received so far.

[LFH]

Thank you. I think that was the most valuable and insightful response that I've received so far.

I hope it helps. Sometimes, it just isn't meant to work.

[tojaz]

I'd expect that rebuttal actually....women are feared here if they speak the truth...we are told to be mild mannered and put up with BS that is spoon fed.

 

That is a very blunt statement Trippi, especially on a forum of thousands. There are men here who think the way you describe, but there are many more that value the truth regardless of who is posting it. There are those that fear women who speak the truth and they do so with good reason... that they might be found out and the truth to be known and the rest see them for what they are.

 

That is not an all encompassing group though, and those that belong to it usually don't last long on LS.

 

Men aren't all inherently evil, although we do make some pretty dumb mistakes....so try to pound that through your militant, feministic brain.

 

That is down right abusive, and ironic that you would say militant when you have taken the far more aggressive stance.

 

Yes guys make dumb mistakes, every man woman and child does. Its how we handle those mistakes that matter.

 

Kelemvor, your here looking for someone to tell you what your about to do and have already done isn't as bad as you already know it is. You will find some who you will cling to and do your best to shut out the rest so you can cling desperately to that justification that your still a good guy that just made a mistake.

 

I will agree that you are making the right decision by setting your wife free, nobody deserves to be in a marriage where they are not loved. Someday once she has healed, your wife will see this and be able to move on, even though she will not be able to see that for some time.

 

This isn't simply making a mistake though. Marriage isn't like buying a shirt you don't like and taking it back. As i type this and as you move forward, you are actively doing emotional damage to your wife, creating wounds that yes, will eventually heal but the scars will remain. There is no amount of justification, no apology, and certainly no amount of financial settlement that will ever change that.

 

If you want to come out of this looking like a stand up guy, then you own up to the fact that you got married for the wrong reasons and couldn't hold up your end, and couldn't remain faithful. When she falls, you do everything in your power to see that she lands as gently as possible. Not just financially but emotionally. Lastly, take a good long look at how you ended up here so you never do this to someone else.

 

TOJAZ

[Kelemvor]

Tojaz, just read my original post. It may not have been as articulate and specific as I wanted, but LFH came closer than anyone to answering it (i.e. She actually read it and attempted to spend more than a few seconds trying to figure out what I was specifically asking...). How many times do I have to say on here that I'm not looking for justification or to decrease my culpability in the wrong decisions I've made.

 

Some of you guys just seem to have nothing better to do than try to start an ongoing argument. I got a few replies on here that were valuable (and appreciate those), and now I'm done with it. Just drop the thread. Don't you all have something better to do today?

 

If there's a mod on here, just lock the thread already. Good grief.

[Kelemvor]

OP:

 

I don't see where you answered my question, which is: Why did you marry a woman that you knew you weren't sexually attracted to, in the first place?

 

It's complicated, and multi-factorial, beyond the purpose of the thread. Obviously, a mistake, but what's done is done. Everyone seems to turn these types of threads into a who's more at fault, or Dr. Phil session. I think I tried to ask a very open ended question that is essentially impossible to answer and probably makes it appear as if I'm looking for sympathetic perspectives, when I'm truly not.

 

Thanks for all the responses.

[tojaz]

Tojaz, just read my original post. It may not have been as articulate and specific as I wanted, but LFH came closer than anyone to answering it (i.e. She actually read it and attempted to spend more than a few seconds trying to figure out what I was specifically asking...). How many times do I have to say on here that I'm not looking for justification or to decrease my culpability in the wrong decisions I've made.

 

Some of you guys just seem to have nothing better to do than try to start an ongoing argument. I got a few replies on here that were valuable (and appreciate those), and now I'm done with it. Just drop the thread. Don't you all have something better to do today?

 

If there's a mod on here, just lock the thread already. Good grief.

 

I have read your original post thoroughly as well as your other threads that were quickly abandoned when the replies turned out not to be what you wanted to hear.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/280942-dilemma-feel-free-judge-me

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/307392-should-i-just-end

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/339682-should-i-admit-my-affair

 

So your OP,

 

Are there really woman that are so committed and "in love" that they will tolerate anything? Or are women manipulative in this way or just simply afraid of being alone?

 

1.Yes there are women that are so afraid to be alone that they will latch on to whatever they can.

2.Yes, women can be manipulative

3.Yes, a woman in love has the ability to tolerate an awful lot of wrongs and remain committed to their partner and trying to make the marriage work.

 

I chose not to answer because you already knew all of that and there was no reason to type it out. You were hoping someone would suggest which one your wife happens to be. It is number 3 and my hat is off to her for doing her best to stand by someone who could not even remain faithful through their first year of marriage.

 

Not everyone is built for marriage. You already know this...

I think in hindsight, I got married more as a way of trying to get that next "accomplishment" and goal that I thought was a step towards fulfillment which I never can seem to reach.

Thats not a bad thing in and of itself, its a life choice that everyone has to make just like anything else, its about learning who you are.

 

My concern lies on what has to come next, explaining to your wife that you have checked out of the marriage, and although you did not ask, (I usually write my posts knowing full well others in similar situation will be reading them as well) I answered toward that end. This is after all a forum and not a private correspondence.

 

I'm glad LFH gave you what you needed and I hope that what some of the others have posted on your threads may have gotten through as well.

 

TOJAZ

[GuyInLimbo]

I think it's pretty clear what you need to do: leave. If you're not in love or attracted to someone you've only been married to for TWO years and acknowledge it was a rebound, then cut your losses. You don't have kids, so it should be fairly cut and dry.

 

Also, there's NO sense in admitting to an affair. That will only serve to make her angry and could hurt you should you guys go to court. Whats' the purpose? Because you feel guilty? Screw that. End the marriage and go your separate ways with as little damage as possible. This situation is NOT going to get better. Ever.

[shiftman]

 

That seems to be overly harsh. You are voluntarily posting on an open forum. As such, be prepared for that which may follow.

 

Somebody asked why you married a person that you were not attracted to. It is certainly a reasonable question given the context or your post. Whether you choose to answer is ceretainly within your rights, but claiming that the question isn't relevant seems to be a bit disingenuious to me.

 

Past that, I hope things work out for you.

[Kelemvor]

Just thought I would update for anyone who might have been curious about how things turned out. If not, then no need to read on...

 

You can read my first post to see what kind of predicament that I had found myself. In short: 2 yr marriage, no kids, miserable from the start, got married for all the wrong reasons (which I take responsibility for..). I definitely was not perfect by any means during the marriage as indicated in some of my earlier posts. Anyway, I finally felt as if I was on the verge of a mental breakdown and the stress at home and instability of the marriage was affecting me at work so I moved out. We had brought up divorce many times in the past and she had even known that I had gone to an attorney. She also had asked me for a divorce at one point a few months back, so I was sure things would go relatively smoothly.

 

Man, was I for a shocker. I moved out and found a cheap attorney. I then asked her for a divorce again and offered a generous settlement from money that I had saved up. The next thing I know, I'm being served a lawsuit for what is called separation maintenance in this state and is roughly pig-latin for alimony while married. It essentially demands that the husband move back into the house or pay alimony. Mind you, this is alimony to a woman with multiple degrees and making almost as much money as I am. She had hired the most expensive law firm in the city to carry out litigation. Fast forward several months. Luckily, I had reserves, a supportive family and was able to find the best lawyer in the state. Between her legal fees and my legal fees, we're talking $40K. I was never accused on grounds but was essentially legally extorted through the sep maintenance. We went to court and the award was nowhere near what they had been wanting, so they only then agreed to mediate a settlement. The settlement was painful but I am so glad to have it behind me. It has been a legal nightmare and I would have never known that someone had the power to extort such an exorbitant sum of money from a husband of only 2 years with no children.

 

It's ironic how, when faced with the imminent prospects of divorce, everything revolves entirely around money and how much you can get from the other person.

 

Anyway, Soooo glad I decided to jump ship this early on and not wait for another 4-5 years. Thank God I had no children. Either way, I would have stood to lose so much more in a years time. She was even trying to sue for rights to any future sign on bonuses, etc.. for any new contract employment during the next year! Good grief!

 

What's ironic to me is the concept of "rehabilitative alimony". The concept makes sense when it's applied in a proper situation, such as a wife who has no skillset or has stayed at home with children and needs support to educate herself into the work force again. However, it makes no sense to me at all to pay rehabilitation alimony for longer than the marriage lasted and to someone with multiple degrees and making a very decent salary. I gotta tell ya... if I ever do this again, it will have to be with an iron clad pre-nup. I don't know if it's my state or not, but after going through this entire fiasco, divorce court feels extremely gender biased to me.

Edited December 16, 2012 by Kelemvor