New; can anyone relate?

[SFSally89]

I have been stalking these boards for quite some time, reading your stories and advice. I figured I may as well finally post since I can't talk to many people in real life about this predicament. Ill try and make it as short as possible.

 

My ex, well call him Alex, and I were first loves. We had a crush on each other in junior high and later dated very intensely in high school. We were each other's first everything, and he has been one of my best friends for more than a decade. We decided to go to college in the same city and dated for the first year of college. Around Spring break of our freshman year, Alex had already been acting distant and weird with me for several months. We had had a brief split already as well. I have always been the one more in love with him rather than he with me (other than the very beginning of our relationship). I was contemplating splitting up with Alex like we had done before because he tended to be distant, negligent, and put his other friends/partying first.

 

I decided to give it some time. One night when we were both home, I went out and flirted with another guy who Alex knows. One of Alex's friends who has always disliked me told Alex I kissed the other guy when that did not happen (actually). Alex flew into a rage, broke up with me, told me he wished I was dead, and every other horrible thing you can imagine. We have not been together since then.

 

Its now almost 3 years later (we are both 22 years old), and we have been sleeping together and spending time together off and on this whole 3 year span. He has gotten less abusive (one time he shoved me when he was drunk in the beginning of our break up, along with horrible verbal attacks), but he still maintains that I cheated on him. He also likes to make it seem like I am promiscuous when I have only dated and slept with one other man in my life. I am still completely in love with him and am having such a hard time letting him go.

 

When things were good between us, they were amazing. He was so kind, attentive, sweet with me, and loving. We have intense sexual chemistry, and we understand each other completely. We have the same taste in humor, movies, film, music, and art. We grew up together. Whenever I leave Alex, or begin to pull away- he panics. When he was abroad from the US and we didnt speak for a month, he would call me long distance everyday asking if he had another chance (at the time I was dating the other guy and told him no). He cant and does not leave me alone, and when were asleep in bed together he kisses me, holds me, and tells me he misses me. He has cried several times. Our mutual friends also tell me he wont talk to other girls. He is very masculine and its hard for him to express his feelings. Most of the time now we just try to enjoy each others company and not discuss the relationship, but I feel used and cheated. I just dont understand.

 

Am I being played like a fool? I want to be together in a committed relationship but we can't because he believes "I cheated" and "he cant trust me." I have turned my life upside down for this man, and he means the world to me. He can be so bad one moment, then so fun and great the next? He wont let me go, and I cant let him go. Anyone else have to let go of a first love? I am so confused and want to end our hookup relationship but am afraid to let him go. What should I do? Should I pull away to see if he will respond to actually leaving? (I always say I am done and come back because I am dependent on him)

Edited August 14, 2012 by SFSally89

[pteromom]

I get a "BPD" vibe from him. The thing is - you can't only pay attention to the good times, and not the bad.

 

For him, you have to realize it's always about HIM and what he gets out of the interaction.

 

So when things are really good and passionate, he is enjoying it too. Being kind and sweet and generous isn't about some feeling he has for YOU. It's because it makes him feel good in that moment. It feels great to kiss you and hold you and whisper sweet nothings. Hell, EVERYONE loves being passionate.

 

But then look what happens when he disagrees with you. If you don't just go along with his desires like you (understandably) would when he is kind and romantic, how does he handle it? He becomes abusive and violent. He calls you names and hurts you.

 

Calling you promiscuous and reminding you of your infidelity is very calculated. By doing so, he keeps himself in a superior position. He keeps you submissive and guilty. He keeps you easier to control. Now, he has the best of both worlds. He gets regular sex with you, can use you to relieve loneliness, AND he doesn't have to make any kind of commitment to you. Bonus: he has your past indiscretion to use as a "reason" for his lack of commitment, which is something you can't argue! WIN for him!

 

He doesn't respect you and he doesn't love you. If he did, he would always treat you with respect and love. PLEASE let him go and move on to find a man who will treat you with the love that you deserve.

[SFSally89]

I know that you're right in my heart. It just hurts to hear, ouch!

 

I sometimes feel guilty for leaving someone who I know is pretty alone in the world (he spends almost all his time with other brutes/friends, but they mostly just party together and I think only one of them really knows and cares about him). I know that he needs me.

 

But you are right. He is manipulating me so that he is getting everything he wants. Its so scary to think about but I guess I will just have to take it one day at a time. I know him and I know that he will freak when I begin to move away/stop contacting him/ignore him?

 

Do I just keep telling him 'this has to end, i wont reply any longer' or do I just completely cut off contact no matter what he says, after I tell him I am done?

[pteromom]

Do I just keep telling him 'this has to end, i wont reply any longer' or do I just completely cut off contact no matter what he says, after I tell him I am done?

 

I would completely cut contact. Else you are risking verbal and possibly physical abuse.

 

The freaking when you start to move away is also a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) trait. You may want to check it out.

 

bpdfamily.com has some great message boards and lessons on how to leave (which are applicable to leaving someone who is violent, whether or not he is BPD).