Elnino Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) Hi, I'm in need of some advice. I met a guy around three months ago and we dated for about two weeks. He then left town for training for his job for two months and we developed a relationship long-distance during that time. We talked for a least 1.5 hours each night and texted back and forth all day. He flew me out to his job during the two-month period for a weekend and our relationship began to flourish. We both expressed a great desire to be with each other when he returned to town, travel together, etc when he returned into town. I was so excited when he returned to town that I wanted to spend a much time with him as possible. He had expressed that he was a slow mover and and wanted to ease into getting to know each other now that we were in the same city. I feel that I drove a wedge between us with my demands on his time that eventually led to our breakup. He said that he felt that our feelings were not developing at the same pace when he broke up with me. That was yesterday. When he returned to town from his job training, he was starting a new job and was dealing with a crazy work schedule that I did not fully respect and I regret that in hindsight. I want to really be apologetic but I do not know how to express this or when. Since we were together for such a short amount of time (although very intense), I am not sure how to or when to initiate any communication. I am looking on some advice because I feel that my demands caused him to no longer want to pursue the relationship. I really like him and want him back. Do I give him space and for how long? I am not trying to play games but want to let him know I am sorry and that I will respect him and his needs going forward. We had no other issues and only had intense discussions about time. Any advice would be great! Edited August 13, 2012 by Elnino
Hawaii50 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Be open, and let em' know you regret rushing in, and if he is by chance open to a "redo" that you'd be happy and more patient... That's about all you can do. Anything more is exactly what got you there in the first place. 1
KathyM Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I think you should consider this a learning experience and not make the same mistake with the next guy. I wouldn't recommend trying to get the guy back. If you do, it will just come across as needy and desperate. Just move on and do things differently with the next guy.
Author Elnino Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) I am in my 30's and a PhD. I take a stand of "work hard, play hard" when it comes to life. When we met, we were both transitioning into new jobs and both on vacation. When we met, I had a month off before starting my job. Now, I have started my new job but still in training and orientation. I am currently working 9 to 5 but my schedule will dramatically pick up and the end of month and will have long evenings and weekends working on projects. He is working 7AM to 3PM but comes home and studies for board certifications most nights and is avid about working out and makes it a part of his daily schedule and that makes him happy. I admit I was selfish and not thinking about him and his schedule. I'm attempting to correct that and the first step to doing this is admit you were wrong. I was just wondering if its really even worth giving him space or should I just move on. And if I do contact him, how much time should be given? You have to understand we were still moving forward up to a week ago or even sooner. He invited me to Mass last Sunday and that was the first time he had invited someone to church in over two years. We wanted to spend the following Thursday night together but I had a work commitment. We spent the following Friday evening together and he spend the night. I understand the mistakes I made and I am attempting to correct it if possible. Edited August 13, 2012 by Elnino
flitzanu Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 you didn't pressure anything. he realized he wasn't into you, simple as that. 1
veryhappy Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I would leave him completely alone and not say anything. If things were going that good, he should contact you. Any message from you now will just annoy him.
amaysngrace Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 He used you to have someone to talk to when he moved to a new town and knew nobody When he came back you became unnecessary to him. He's saying this is about how you acted when in reality he is the one who lacks.
Author Elnino Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) I appreciate the advice but I don't think he was using me. He always sort of kept to himself and that did not change once he returned to town. I was and still am going though some health issues that I chose not to share with him because we were still new. That started not to long after he came back. I was quite stressed but chose to keep it to myself. I think I was looking to him for support but never explained to him quite why and it came off smothering and sometime cold and uncompromising. I was going to wait about a week and a half and then contact him (2 weeks post-breakup) and just be honest. I think this NC thing is not for me because it just seems like mental chess and more trouble than it's worth. However, I do believe in giving him appropriate time to breath and for me to reflect as well. Edited August 14, 2012 by Elnino
amaysngrace Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Did you say you're a PhD? Apologies but I find that very hard to believe.
Author Elnino Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) Wow, amaysngrace. And what do you do? Nothing I assume that requires two brain cells communicating with one another. I happened to trip upon this site months ago. It seems like you have made posting here a second career. Online university psychologist? People with low self-confidence often insult others unprovoked when something is lacking significantly in their lives:-) Edited August 14, 2012 by Elnino
flitzanu Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Wow, amaysngrace. And what do you do? Nothing I assume that requires two brain cells communicating with one another. I happened to trip upon this site months ago. It seems like you have made posting here a second career. Online university psychologist? People with low self-confidence often insult others unprovoked when something is lacking significantly in their lives:-) irony is ironic. I think this NC thing is not for me because it just seems like mental chess and more trouble than it's worth. so, NC is not a "thing". it means "no contact". as in, not communicating. there's no "mental chess" about it, it just means you stop talking to someone altogether.
Author Elnino Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Thanks everyone for the helpful advice. I just didn't expect the digs though. I thought that loveshack.org was a place that people could come and express their thoughts and solicit advice as we ALL have been in TOUGH and VULNERABLE positions in love and relationships. I thought I would be able to he honest without getting a couple digs. I know that I was not exempt from this behavior as well but I feel like this string has turned a little dark. Thanks though for the advice!
veggirl Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 How often were you trying to see him? Was he telling you "I can't" and you were getting mad or something? I think if you want to apologize and whatnot, you need to wait a while. Give it a week or so and then you can do so but keep it BRIEF!!! Don't overwhelm him with a bunch of emotions and whatnot, just apologize.
todreaminblue Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Hi, I'm in need of some advice. I met a guy around three months ago and we dated for about two weeks. He then left town for training for his job for two months and we developed a relationship long-distance during that time. We talked for a least 1.5 hours each night and texted back and forth all day. He flew me out to his job during the two-month period for a weekend and our relationship began to flourish. We both expressed a great desire to be with each other when he returned to town, travel together, etc when he returned into town. I was so excited when he returned to town that I wanted to spend a much time with him as possible. He had expressed that he was a slow mover and and wanted to ease into getting to know each other now that we were in the same city. I feel that I drove a wedge between us with my demands on his time that eventually led to our breakup. He said that he felt that our feelings were not developing at the same pace when he broke up with me. That was yesterday. When he returned to town from his job training, he was starting a new job and was dealing with a crazy work schedule that I did not fully respect and I regret that in hindsight. I want to really be apologetic but I do not know how to express this or when. Since we were together for such a short amount of time (although very intense), I am not sure how to or when to initiate any communication. I am looking on some advice because I feel that my demands caused him to no longer want to pursue the relationship. I really like him and want him back. Do I give him space and for how long? I am not trying to play games but want to let him know I am sorry and that I will respect him and his needs going forward. We had no other issues and only had intense discussions about time. Any advice would be great! I think you should relax and let it flow, be apologetic if you felt that you pushed him away(it wasn't your intention so apologise) Spending too much time together in a relationship can actually cause more problems than distance, especially when a new job is involved, considering the relationship started quickly and was intense. Just give him some space tell him how you feel and that you want to make him feel comfortable and if he tells you or confides in you what he needs or wants to go forward with you, and then you can go from there but without talking to him you will never know......he is the best one to tell you where his mind is at.......good luck.....deb
snug.bunny Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 We both expressed a great desire to be with each other when he returned to town. He had expressed that he was a slow mover and and wanted to ease into getting to know each other now that we were in the same city. I'm sorry, but...That just seems, conflicting. This however, sounds perfectly normal: When he returned to town from his job training, he was starting a new job and was dealing with a crazy work schedule
Author Elnino Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 Thanks everyone for the advice. We actually talked today - I texted him and he called me immediately back. He said that he wanted to text me or email me yesterday to talk but he hesitated. We have decided to talk in person tomorrow. Not sure how things will go. We did not discuss what we both want to say to each other, we only agreed to meet. Tomorrow, I will just be honest, upfront, and apologetic. That's all I can do but I'm not very optimistic. I'll keep everyone posted.
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