What would you pick: stability and financial security vs physical spark?

August 13, 2012

Yes, Leigh, I am turned of romantically by MOST of blue collar workers. I am turned off by swearing, limited vocabulary and how in general they tend to be "uncultured". There are exceptions of course, but there is high correlation between the two.

I don't care if a person like I described above has 10 houses. I would not be into them.

Why do you care if I would like your boyfriend? It's important that you do

That is fair enough - my ONLY gripe was the fact that you allude to looking down on ALL people who do not have degrees.

August 13, 2012

Yes, Leigh, I am turned of romantically by MOST of blue collar workers. I am turned off by swearing, limited vocabulary and how in general they tend to be "uncultured". There are exceptions of course, but there is high correlation between the two.

I don't care if a person like I described above has 10 houses. I would not be into them.

Why do you care if I would like your boyfriend? It's important that you do

And I am happy to say, it is difference that make for a more interesting world:) I have a far more extensive vocabulary than Andrew, my partner. But I am so in love with him, and love him to bits. It is of great interest to me, how we are both differe:) I love it. I do no WANT you to connect with my boyfriend, it is not something I care about. At. All.

What I do care about, is how you come accross as though you, first of all, PRIMARILY correlate successful people within their career, as " more successful" than people who are just as HAPPIER or HAPPIER, yet have lower level careers, such as flight attendants and teachers.....

Aside from assigning success as a measure of your career and financial assets, without taking into account peoples general level of happiness ( is the homeless man with a dog he loves dearly who is extremely happy, less successful over all, than a stressed out adv. exec who is SELDOM happy?

It is all relative.

You also act like if you met someone like me in a store, you would be " too smart" to connect and have a meaningful conversation with me.

August 13, 2012

Seriously though, I want her to have a hard think about wheather her " success" makes her ANY more happy or fullfilled than I am, on a daily basis.

Do her degrees and success in her career, necessarily mean her contentment levels are higher than mine are?

No, but there is not anything wrong for her to feel most connected with other people who share her values. She has a PHD. That is a huge deal. Obviously, she had the drive and the smarts to accomplish that. I don't think it is "wrong" for her ideal man to be someone who is like her in that way? I don't think it's "elitist."

Every day lately, I am so happy to be alive every day. Honestly. What exactly has her " success" given her over someone like me, in terms of their over all happiness levels they experience daily?

Leigh, ES was not comparing herself with you.

ES: I could NEVER get anywhere with a guy without the "spark." I tried to date men who were admirable guys, good looking, too, and who had it "together." I felt that I obviously felt a spark with guys who were bad for me, so I gave the sparkless dating a try. It lead to dead ends and hurt feelings.

I think you still have some sorting out to do within yourself. Part of you is sort of offbeat, but another part of you is still trying to fit into the mainstream, traditional mold you see around you with lots of your friends and what your mom would be promoting for you. When you can embrace and express all the parts of you at one time, you won't have to be so "either/or" with your approach to dating and relationships.

I'm sorry that you feel you have limited time. I really do think that you need to spend some time dating men you feel interested in, including the spark, and then decide rationally how far to carry on with it based upon his "suitability" for … marriage ? Is that your goal? And your long term compatibility together.

You are right that "spark" fades, but it doesn't disappear completely and it goes a long way towards carrying couples through the ups and downs of life.

August 13, 2012

How so? I've never heard that one. Unless you are referring to underwater homes.

1 - you don't own a home untill you have finished paying for it, untill then the bank owns it.

2 - on the loan you will be paying a lot of extra, depending on your credit score, and you will be paying it first before you pay back the real money you loaned

3 - a house is less mobility

4 - a house needs maintenance, lots of maintenance

5 - many couples/ppl get loans based on the money they earn then and there, with this financial crysis the working force needs mobility and you could end unable to pay it off.

6 - taking a large loan, with big montly payments may deduct from the money you could set aside for paying student loans or the money for the rainy days, or the money you might need to start your own business.

In a recession 1$ today that is cash is worth 4$ tomorrow.

All of these mean there is a reason that big developers are moving into the apartment building construction for the last couple of yrs in the US.

And even if you own a house and can afford to move for a job and continue paying for it. You will not return to it in good condition.

An unused house deteriorates ... rapidly.

August 13, 2012

My mother told me yesterday: "Being a high achiever is going to be your biggest downfall"

I don't find that men dislike successful women, it's actually viewed as very positive.

I am the problem and my inability to be attracted to less successful men.

That's what mine says too but it's nonsense

Different generation

I think in this case her mother was spot on. ES doesn't respect the men who she believes are less accomplished than her.

August 13, 2012

ES, I always give you credit for your honesty. I'll never ridicule a woman for saying she wants a handsome man who makes a lot of money. I'll more ridicule the women who claim they just want a nice good man who believes in commitment, but fail to mention he also has to be tall, very good looking, and making a lot of money.

The unfortunate problem in dating now, especially in this economy, is that more successful people end up gaining weight and such. Most of the reason is they work too much to be successful and thus have no time to put into working out. Men go though this as well when I see yuppie males complain how all the educated career women are overweight while the hot slender women are working in tanning salons or bartending for crap money.

I'll also add in how many times the combo of good looks and successful money/career will end up with someone shallow and vapid. The main reason is the guy might put in 8-10 hours a day at the office, then hit the gym for two hours in the evening. Suddenly the girl is complaining that he never makes time for her because he's always working or working out, or he can't hold a conversation about anything other than money and sports...because he has no other hobbies or anything other than work, make money, work out, and go party on the weekends.

So that leaves the guys who make so much money that they might work 3-4 hours a day and spend the rest working out, doing things etc. Their money works for them, and they can easily go out and flaunt it. Unfortunately, they also get women easily. Hot young women easily tossing themselves into his bed in the hopes of a taste of his good life.

So now the pretty or somewhat-pretty girl who thinks he should pick her because she might hit the gym regularly and has an education/career will find herself rejected. These particular men have decided that smart/pretty/career woman will eventually age and be only smart/career, while he can get older and still nail hot 20somethings. Plus he might be thinking how trips, yachts, cars, and clubs are more fun than weddings, settling down, and kids. We'll still see the smart/pretty/career women though try to make their case while ridiculing the young/hot/slutty girls who easily please him more.

Your solution came from what RedRobin said. You'll have to find the middle ground man. The guy who isn't some quasimodo, but isn't David Beckham. He might work out regularly to be healthy, but he doesn't set your panties ablaze as did the broke bass player from some rock band you saw. However, he has an education and career...but he's not rolling in a BMW and living in a luxury condo.

I see plenty of those guys out there striking out and growing bitter into the "anti-marriage" attitude...which will make it even harder on women like yourself.

You can set the bar high, but if no one's reaching it then you have to decide how much you're willing to lower the bar to get the man, commitment, and life you want.

August 13, 2012

I think in this case her mother was spot on. ES doesn't respect the men who she believes are less accomplished than her.

I only respect them if they are younger and/or divorced, otherwise I don't either. If I could achieve what I have done coming here to the UK with a single suitcase than overpriviledged westerners should be able to do so too.

August 13, 2012

#1s are good for a bit of harmless fun but they hardly constitute family material. #2 will always be in high demand for women who want to settle down and start families. And these men often have many options available to them. You have to stand out to be noticed.

Perhaps your problem is that you define success in a way that is too narrow for you? We can't all be world beaters. I think the goal in life is happiness. Not success. To be happy you don't have to have success in the conventional manner. Success can help but it can also be a major obstacle. If you're the type of person who has many expensive interests flipping burgers won't allow you to pursue your dreams. If you are more inclined to the simple things in life then the size of the paycheck hardly matters.

August 13, 2012

I don't know where you live ES but aren't there lots of successful men out there?

True, but rich men want hot 22 year old women.

Its amazing how plenty of successful women think that they deserve an equally successful man for their success. Its like they are going hunting with a fishing rod hoping to catch a deer.

August 13, 2012

I have hard time connecting with "blue collar" workers. I can't help it. I also have a hard time respecting a man that has achieved less than I did

I also have to admit that I don't have much time to waste. I give these men few weeks at most and make decisions quickly. I am not prepared to lose months in hoping something will "grow".

All my life I went for type (1) until I started seriously envisioning my long term future.

from what I see you will continue being single for a long time, untill you decide to settle. you are like the tons of other single females no children I saw on OLD, while their clock is ticking. they are desperate like you dying to find mr right. but it wont happen like you think. you are very materialistic. too bad there isnt a hate button.

Your post pisses me off because I had money when I did wedding photography. my gear was stolen and had to go back to work in the culinary field till I make my next move. you like many others I dated who talk about money are not given a 2nd chance. I throw them so fast they get whiplash. I hope you stay single for a long time. you have no idea how pissed of I am when I see woman who bring up money when looking for love. ES you have a big x on you in my book.

here's a tip for guys aged 30-40 who wants to just fkk girls ages 27-40 and change stock every few months.

go to a dating site. fill in the pertinent info. try to be as sincere as possible. nice pictures. make it seem like youre looking to have children and build a family, and watch how many hits you get. they are so desperate to have children and get married.

all you have to do is close your eyes pick one and go to work. I dont deal with younger woman. Im 40+ and only date woman 45+.

Edited August 13, 2012 by rocketman122

August 13, 2012

Your solution came from what RedRobin said. You'll have to find the middle ground man. The guy who isn't some quasimodo, but isn't David Beckham. He might work out regularly to be healthy, but he doesn't set your panties ablaze as did the broke bass player from some rock band you saw. However, he has an education and career...but he's not rolling in a BMW and living in a luxury condo.

I agree with getting this kind of guy, but disagree that he wouldn't be able to set her panties ablaze. Chemistry and connection can create that heat.

ES, do men who earn less seem less masculine to you?

August 13, 2012

Neither. I need an intellectual and emotional connection first and foremost, always. It comes before looks and it comes before 'stability'.

August 13, 2012

Neither. I don't want some useless guy who can't get his s**t together in his 30s. I don't want someone I'm not attracted to either as that will only lead to a no sex relationship later

So it's no dates for me then if these are the only options.

Same for me.

August 13, 2012

Seriously though, I want her to have a hard think about wheather her " success" makes her ANY more happy or fullfilled than I am, on a daily basis.

Do her degrees and success in her career, necessarily mean her contentment levels are higher than mine are?

My dogs, my partner, and the friends I have ( a really great group, such nice people, much like me), and my gym/fitness and various hobbies, make me SO HAPPY!

Every day lately, I am so happy to be alive every day. Honestly. What exactly has her " success" given her over someone like me, in terms of their over all happiness levels they experience daily?

I can say that I have not reached a point where, mental issues aside, I am VERY happy. Every day. Albiet small bits where I am stuck on some homework or a person is cold towards me. A total of 2% of my whole day.

Will you stop competing with ES and taking this so personally, due to insecurities?

ES, you've hit this point before where instead of being patient, you settled for your ex. Don't do this again.

August 13, 2012

The problem is, with view to long term, spark will fade anyway.

Judging by the number of people I know married 25+ years who are still hot for their spouses, I am beginning to think that the whole "spark will fade away" thing is a myth perpetuated by people in adequate marriages who want to justify their relationships.

However, I definitely think you would lose that spark over time with a man you could not (or grew to not) respect.

August 13, 2012

Judging by the number of people I know married 25+ years who are still hot for their spouses, I am beginning to think that the whole "spark will fade away" thing is a myth perpetuated by people in adequate marriages who want to justify their relationships.

However, I definitely think you would lose that spark over time with a man you could not (or grew to not) respect.

My parents and my husband's parents are like this. They're an inspiration and also, kind of disgusting to watch sometimes. Didn't notice it as much as a child but since all the kids have grown up and moved out, they've been getting worse.

August 13, 2012

If you had to pick one, which would you go for? I am leaning towards 2.

I'd settle for whichever would have me. But I think you should hold out for someone who has both of those qualities.

August 13, 2012

I don't think anyone should settle because its unfair for the other person.

August 13, 2012

I don't think anyone should settle because its unfair for the other person.

absolutely..but how many people find perfect? I mean perfect for them that has everything they could think of in their shopping list in their minds? very few. so while its called settling, I call it being realistic.

August 13, 2012

I don't think anyone should settle because its unfair for the other person.

Yeah well life ain't fair. TFB if someone doesn't like it.

August 13, 2012

absolutely..but how many people find perfect? I mean perfect for them that has everything they could think of in their shopping list in their minds? very few. so while its called settling, I call it being realistic.

bang on.......there will always be something to whinge about.......no matter how perfect.

August 13, 2012

all my life I have been looking for women who were NOT like you. Luckily I have found one

August 13, 2012

Count me in the "still sparky" column. Spark doesn't just fade away when the relationship is strong.

Needing a partner to be as professionally successful in order to feel spark is another issue, and seems to be unique to hetero women. Men who are high earners can be attracted to women of any income level. The most successful woman I know is a lesbian, and is happily partnered to a beautiful woman with an average personal income. Straight women who are high earners seem to have trouble doing the same, and I wonder why that is.

August 13, 2012

I don't think anyone should settle because its unfair for the other person.

I only think one should "come down to Earth" if their standards cannot find them a mate and "being alone" isn't an option for them.

If a handsome/successful guy demanded only 21 year old skinny blondes with big boobs who will cook and clean in lingerie and heels...but he never seems to get that...would we say he should hold out for his standard? Or tell him to come down to Earth?

If he chose a 27 year-old average-looking woman who can cook well, will wear sexy lingerie in the bedroom, but doesn't have big boobs or a tight skinny body...did he settle?

August 13, 2012

Haven't read all the responses, but trust me from experience - hold out for both.

After a very hot romance that crashed and burned, I said I was through with going for sparks. So I started a relationship with a friend who I was not attracted to, but who was a very good person and was stable.

It was bad. I found myself wanting other guys. I found myself getting grossed out during sex. I found myself not wanting to kiss or touch him.

We ended it and are still friends, but I wouldn't go that route again.

Hold out for someone who is everything you want. Get out there and cast as wide a net as possible so you can find him.

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What would you pick: stability and financial security vs physical spark?

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