Girlfriend is thinking about her ex...Not sure what I should do

[mike415]

Okay I am going to try to keep this brief.

 

Both my girlfriend and I are college students (20 yrs old) and we've been dating for about a year and a half. In general, we have had a good relationship because we are good friends and understand one another. She and I are not really the type to be obsessive over each other (we agreed to not become overly dependent upon each other when we began going out). We both had clingy ex's in the past and decided it would be best if we didn't get too serious too quickly. However, we've still had many intimate moments and we both love each other.

 

For the first year or so we never had any issues. But about 4 months back, out of the blue, she invited her ex-bf to a party which I was also going to. I received a mass text with the invite and details of the party and I noticed she and a number I didn't recognize were texting back and forth. She was insisting that he come but he said he was out of town. Then when I arrived, she pulled me into the bathroom and read the rest of their 'hilarious' conversation (not on the mass text) that they were having. Out of both anger and confusion, I left the party with my friends. We talked about it the next day, she apologized and explained that she was inviting him because his friend was going to be there. Even though I was still upset and wondering why the hell she would invite her ex who she supposedly greatly disliked, I forgave her because we had never had any issues.

 

Then a month ago, as we were both drunk she told me she wanted to tell me a 'secret' which was that as she was leaving my apt complex one day (her ex lives in the same complex) she found raw hamburger patties and thought it would be funny if she threw them on her ex's car. I didn't really care too much about this but it was still odd that she would go out of her way to do this and that she said it was a 'secret'. I just felt like she was trying to get his attention or something, but I didnt make a big deal out of it.

 

And then most recently (a week ago), I found something out that really is starting to get to me. She's been staying at my apt for a few weeks because her lease ended early. One night my computer died without a charger so I was using hers. Although Im not proud of this, out of suspicion from previous incidents, I decided to take a quick look at her history. Sure enough, I found out that she had been trying very hard to hack her ex's facebook account. She was googling 'how to guess a password' and looking up the name of his hometown, his favorite athletes, etc. This really bothered me but I didn't immediately bring it up because I felt odd about lurking her history.

 

Within the same few days of me finding this out, we got in a sort of argument and I decided to mention it. The argument was that we had not been having very much sex at all in the previous month or so. And so when she denied my interest in having sex again, I was pretty upset and figured I'd tell her about the history I had seen. She chuckled a bit when I told her that I'd seen it, and brushed it off as something she did when she was "drunk and bored". But I know she had been trying diligently to find out what he's been up to, because she was also using her friend's facebook account to look at his profile. After noticing that I was upset, she made an effort to be really nice for about two days after that... she kept telling me she loved me and insisted on having sex. But now that a week has passed, we're back to the same grind as if nothing happened.

 

At this point, I'm not sure how to handle the situation. I still very much love and care for her but I also shy away of getting too close to her because I feel like her interests lie elsewhere. I hate the feeling of not trusting her. She does not seem like the type to cheat but I can't help from wondering if she's contacting her ex or having second thoughts about breaking up with him.

 

Please let me know what you think, or how you would approach finding a solution in this situation. Thanks in advance for any of your input

[Plan 9 from OS]

I think your GF misrepresented her last relationship to the XBF. Most likely, she was the clingy one and it was him that ended it with her. Otherwise, why would she become so obsessed with him all of a sudden. IMO, you are her rebound and she tried to get over the XBF. She can't do it and is now trying to get back into his life either through positive or negative acts. She wants him to notice her again.

 

You're only 20, go date some other people before you commit to serious relationships.

[cl3]

You need to directly confront her about the problem and express how you feel.. Because it already sounds serious. Sounds like she's obsessed over her past with him.. and has lingering feelings for him. You deserve an explanation for her behavior towards her ex, and tell her how it's hurting you.

Don't let this drag on any longer.. Get the answers now. If she's really committed to you and your relationship with her, than her ex shouldn't matter; you should be the one who's important to her.

[YellowShark]

I agree with the other posters. She was really "the clingy one" and still hasn't let go. And if you were doing the same thing with your EX she would freak.