sex dream about best friend =(

[anxshus]

firstly, i'm going through a kind of rough time right now - i lost my father this spring, and i'm not taking it particularly well. my bf of four years has also had a rough time of it, but things are really looking up for him - he's finally on the right track but very busy getting all the right things done - we even moved four hours away for his new job. things are't perfect between us right now - things just seem distant - but i'm as much in love as I ever was, or at least as much as I can be with the half a brain I seem to have these days.

 

anyway, my best friend has been my rock lately. we've known each other since we were teenagers, and hooked up a couple times when we were in college, but it's always been a friendship, not a relationship. we've only seen each other a handful of times since my bf and i moved, but we talk via text several times a week. when things are tough inside my head, and my bf has his mind on other (important) things, i talk to 'bill' and i feel better.

 

recently, my mother has started telling me that it's inappropriate to be this close to bill, because we've had sex before. I brushed it off - my bf and bill were friends before I even MET my bf! - but she keeps bringing it up, saying we're having an emotional affair and we just don't want to admit it.

 

And then, god help me, last night I had a dream where i'm pretty sure bill and i were back in college (definitely in our favorite old college bar) and we had sex. great sex. i don't normally remember much from my dreams, but i have some pretty vivid memories of this one.

 

i haven't told anyone. can't tell my mom, can't tell my bf, can't tell my best friend... i don't keep very many friends normally, and since the move and my dad passed i've been very, very private - i shudder to think where i'd be without bill's support, but i'm NOT willing to mess things up with my bf. is my mom right? is this an emotional affair? what should I do?

 

=(

[anxshus]

mmm, maybe a mod or someone could change the title to 'emotional affair? / sex dream about best friend =(' or something? I'm freaking out less now, but I'd still love to get opinions.

[xxoo]

Don't worry about the dream. It means nothing. What you do while you are awake is what matters.

 

My advice would be: talk to your boyfriend. Tell him you love him as much as ever, but you feel distant from him. Tell him that you've been turning to Bill more and more for your emotional needs, and you want to change that. You want to foster closeness with him (your boyfriend), not with Bill. Ask for his help, making time to talk, for dates, for closeness, etc.

 

What you water will grow. Water your relationship with your boyfriend more, and the friendship with Bill less.

[anxshus]

omg, thank you. you not only answered the question i was asking - and i'm much relieved to hear you say that - but you answered the question i didn't even realize was the important one, and with helpful advice!

 

 

i will try to talk to my boyfriend, but one of the things i've come to accept about him is that he is NOT a talker about anything of emotional content, or at least not to the degree that I require. I practically had to train him to use 'I love you' on a regular basis - I really do believe him when he says I'm the second girl he ever said it to not counting family. That is just not his strength.

 

I WILL try to think about what sorts of things I am getting from bill that my bf IS good at providing - as well as things he can do that might help me need a little less emotional support to begin with. Particularly those that will 'water' our relationship for him as well - I love that concept, by the way, it feels like the perfect way to look at it. Much pondering to be done, you'll probably see me on other boards trying to sort it all out.

 

 

I wish I didn't overanalyze everything - that's a problem even when I'm not kind of broken - and really wish that my mother, who knows this about me, wouldn't fuel it. Thanks again <3

 

PS - I'm correct in NOT mentioning ANY of this to either of the men involved, right? Normally, almost everything that runs through my head more than twice gets run by one of them, but I can't see any good coming out of my bringing up my mom's comments OR the dream to either of them. I seriously need chick friends =/

 

 

Don't worry about the dream. It means nothing. What you do while you are awake is what matters.

...snip...

What you water will grow. Water your relationship with your boyfriend more, and the friendship with Bill less.

[GLDheart]

Your Mom sounds like she has had experience in these matters... and she's right. You are pushing the limits of acceptable behavior. All it takes is a rough patch in your relationship with your boyfriend and BOOM!! "oops... it was a mistake... it just happened".

 

Honor yourself. Honor your relationship with your boyfriend. Tell your friend that he is a great friend but you will be talking to him less as it has made you uncomfortable by threatening your boundaries for a healthy relationship. He should respect you for this, and not be mad in anyway.

 

Turn to your partner for the support you need. If you can't get that support from your partner then that tells you something else too doesn't it?

 

p.s. In my experience, dreams are all about the subconscious sorting out difficult thoughts. ie: it is a warning that your subconscious is flirting with getting "closer" to "bill".

[nofool4u]

anyway, my best friend has been my rock lately. we've known each other since we were teenagers, and hooked up a couple times when we were in college

 

Then you can't ever be "just friends". You crossed the friendship line and once you do that, "friends" cease to exist. And in any case, your bf shouldn't have to put up with a girl that hangs out with a guy she use to shag.

 

 

recently, my mother has started telling me that it's inappropriate to be this close to bill, because we've had sex before.

 

Your mother is right.

 

 

I brushed it off - my bf and bill were friends before I even MET my bf! - but she keeps bringing it up, saying we're having an emotional affair and we just don't want to admit it.

 

Again, your mother is right.

 

 

i shudder to think where i'd be without bill's support, but i'm NOT willing to mess things up with my bf.

 

Its already messed up if you think you can have a male friend that you had sex with and still respect your bf.

 

As long as you are "friends" with a guy you were intimate with, and obviously are fond of the memories of sex with him, you are disrespecting your bf. And your bf deserves better than that.

 

 

is my mom right? is this an emotional affair? what should I do?

 

=(

 

Again, yes, your mom is right. What should you do? I know you won't do it, but if you have any intentions of spending a long time, or the rest of your life with any other guy, your bf or someone else, then you are disrespecting them to remain close friends with a guy you had sex with and fantasize about.

 

So the right answer is to have no more contact with this guy. If you can't do that or don't agree, then break up with your bf and stay single until you can.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Don't worry about the dream. It means nothing. What you do while you are awake is what matters.

 

My advice would be: talk to your boyfriend. Tell him you love him as much as ever, but you feel distant from him. Tell him that you've been turning to Bill more and more for your emotional needs, and you want to change that. You want to foster closeness with him (your boyfriend), not with Bill. Ask for his help, making time to talk, for dates, for closeness, etc.

 

What you water will grow. Water your relationship with your boyfriend more, and the friendship with Bill less.

 

Unfortunately I have to disagree with this advice...on paper this sounds like a simple way to resolve a situation and grow a relationship...but it's going to take a lot more than watering your relationship to change the dynamic. It's like one of those weight loss books you read and get all excited about then two weeks later after the pump has worn off you don't realize what you're doing and questioning yourself and this new found diet.

 

You are having an emotional affair and your mother is completely right...you want to hear that this means nothing and everything is ok when in reality you're connecting more to your friend than your current relationship, which is always a recipe for disaster...even If your current relationship feels in shambles...you don't improve your relationship by depending on someone else and communicating and expressing yourself with them, you need to do that with your actual partner or you don't really have that much of a relationship in the first place...you're sabotaging the relationship more than you think because you're taking the legs from underneath by digging underneath it, it'll just eventually collapse.

 

If you tell your BF about your friend, the only thing that is likely to do is make him resentful of him and wonder what is going on with that relationship..if he truly cares. You think he's going to think...Oh yeah? you been talking to someone else about your emotional needs? that's not good let me step it up. He'll be like wtf you talking to Bill about this for what's going on here!!. If he doesn't care then it doesn't really matter what happens, he's checked out of the relationship already.

 

Instead I would advise you to immediately disconnect from billy bob and stop sharing so much of your emotions with him unless you plan on having a relationship with him after this which is the process you're creating for yourself which wouldn't work anyway. I'd talk to your BF about communicating more and about how you feel completely about the relationship, being honest and with what needs aren't being and asking how he feels, what does he want, where is he emotionally. Because this has to be a together type of thing, If you let a man shield you away then you'll just sit on the back-burner. You need to understand how he feels, whether it's to end the relationship or continue working on things. At this rate you'll just end up in a ridiculous situation where you're depending on bill for your emotinal needs and disconnecting from your current, when there really is honestly probably not much potential in either from the sound of it...but that's for you to get through your head..you can hang out in this grey area all you like, but don't blame your BF or Bill, what you're doing is completely typical and because you're just being a chicken to be honest with you...you're scared so you live this kind of a life, and that's on you...take some responsibility and not play the victim so much, you're a big girl.

[anxshus]

heh, well, came back several days later and am all weirded out again...

 

firstly, i'm not sure how I managed to give the impression that my bf doesn't know who my best friend is, or that he doesn't know that I've been talking to him a lot more since my dad died and we moved. He's not exactly the most emotionally aware person in the world, but it's not like he's blind or stupid.

 

i'm a highly functioning autistic, my emotions are pretty strange but it's almost impossible to hide them. The parts I've kept hidden are my mom's opinion and the dream itself - and even that has been bothering me. I am open and honest to a fault - my bf likes to say that I have no filter, because I'm so blunt. Over the weekend, my bf and bill actually got together (football draft party) and apparently at some point discussed my being even more withdrawn than usual, and they have now both told me they think I should talk to my doc about antianxiety meds, which I haven't had to take in over a decade.

 

 

 

I still have to absorb the advice in these responses - I immediately felt very defensive and figured I'd get that out of the way and then try to sort out the rest.

 

 

I should say that I am not really willing to consider terminating my friendship with bill. I have never been the one to terminate any friendship, for me they are rare and special and I always love my friends far more than I love myself. I am willing to withdraw somewhat - I've done it before in several different situations - but have never actually cut ties. I can't imagine going to anyone I care about and saying, 'hey, I know you've been there for me for most of my life, but I'm not going to talk to you ever again.' I can't think of many things I'd be less likely to do, actually. I certainly would never want to be that kind of person - a close friend doing that to me would devastate me.

 

It is not often that I find someone who understands me even a little bit and those people are very, very precious to me. I am struggling with the idea that perhaps my issues preclude me from ever having a successful long term relationship. I'm trying not to dwell on that thought because it kind of makes my world spin but I'm sure I'll get there in due time. =/

[nofool4u]

I should say that I am not really willing to consider terminating my friendship with bill.

 

As long as you are still friends with him, you ARE disrespecting your bf.

 

Lucky guy:rolleyes:

[anxshus]

As long as you are still friends with him, you ARE disrespecting your bf.

 

Lucky guy:rolleyes:

 

I'm getting the impression that you are just a big jerk, but I'm trying not to let that color your advice because your being a jerk (with a 'lucky' girl, I'm sure) doesn't mean that the heart of your argument doesn't deserve some contemplation.

 

 

How would I handle this, given that the three of us are friends? I have known bill for 15 years, he has known my bf for ten, and I've been with my bf for four. At different phases, the two of them have been very close, and there have been phases where the three of us are almost inseparable. I just can't see your advice - cutting ties completely - being appropriate here.

[anxshus]

Honor yourself. Honor your relationship with your boyfriend. Tell your friend that he is a great friend but you will be talking to him less as it has made you uncomfortable by threatening your boundaries for a healthy relationship. He should respect you for this, and not be mad in anyway.

 

Turn to your partner for the support you need. If you can't get that support from your partner then that tells you something else too doesn't it?

 

I am very much a nonconfrontational person, and I overthink everything, so there is about a .0001% chance that I would ever tell bill that the reason I'm withdrawing is because our boundaries have made me uncomfortable. Instead, I handle things the way I always have, which is by finding a way to keep myself so busy that I have NO time left.

 

I basically add jobs until I have no energy left to waste on being broken or talking to anyone about being broken. It's not sustainable - I'll physically collapse in a few months - but it happened shortly after we started dating, and I know he can provide the kind of support I'll need then.

 

 

Unfortunately, I don't really think it's fair to expect him to do that, and I'm very much in a self-hate phase, so I can't tell what's fair to expect in terms of support. I am also starting to think that this forum is NOT an ideal place for me to try to sort things out, because I suspect most of the people here have either been hurt or are the people who do the hurting, and everything here is going to be colored by their personal issues. Given MY personal issues, I don't think this place is likely to actually be helpful.

[anxshus]

I should say that I am not really willing to consider terminating my friendship with bill. I have never been the one to terminate any friendship, for me they are rare and special and I always love my friends far more than I love myself. I am willing to withdraw somewhat - I've done it before in several different situations - but have never actually cut ties. I can't imagine going to anyone I care about and saying, 'hey, I know you've been there for me for most of my life, but I'm not going to talk to you ever again.' I can't think of many things I'd be less likely to do, actually. I certainly would never want to be that kind of person - a close friend doing that to me would devastate me.

 

To put this differently, my BF has several friends he had casual sex with at some point in his past. There is one who is particularly important to him, because she was a very good friend to him at a very, very difficult part in his life. If it came to my attention that he had decided to reward that level of loyalty by never speaking to her again, our relationship would not survive that. I want nothing to do with that kind of person, who can turn love on and off like a faucet. I would love him forever, but I would leave him.

 

I don't know if he would do the same, but if I were to discover that I am that sort of person, that would be when I decide I just don't have the luxury of being in a serious relationship with anyone. I see it as cruel and heartless to treat friendships as disposable, and I would rather never have another serious partner than be the kind of person who does.

[silicone]

To put this differently, my BF has several friends he had casual sex with at some point in his past. There is one who is particularly important to him, because she was a very good friend to him at a very, very difficult part in his life. If it came to my attention that he had decided to reward that level of loyalty by never speaking to her again, our relationship would not survive that. I want nothing to do with that kind of person, who can turn love on and off like a faucet. I would love him forever, but I would leave him.

 

I don't know if he would do the same, but if I were to discover that I am that sort of person, that would be when I decide I just don't have the luxury of being in a serious relationship with anyone. I see it as cruel and heartless to treat friendships as disposable, and I would rather never have another serious partner than be the kind of person who does.

 

Does he have the same emotional friendship with her as you do with Bill?

[nofool4u]

I'm getting the impression that you are just a big jerk

 

No, thats the flippant thoughts of someone who has no desire to respect her bf and will continually disrespect him by staying friends with this guy. Its also the kind of attitude I'd expect from someone who has a sense of entitlement.

 

As I said, its simple, if you do love and respect your bf, then you would not be "friends" with this other guy, because you have crossed the friendship line.

 

If you don't respect your bf, then by all means, keep it up and stay acquaintances with this other guy.

 

 

but I'm trying not to let that color your advice because your being a jerk (with a 'lucky' girl, I'm sure)

 

I'm not the jerk here missy. You are being a jerk to your boyfriend.

 

And yes, there is a lucky girl at the present. She has a man that respects her, won't cheat on her, and certainly wouldn't be friends with another woman that I find sexually appealing and fantasize about. This is a stark contrast to the way you treat your bf.

 

 

How would I handle this, given that the three of us are friends?

 

You aren't "friends" with the other guy. You have been intimate with him and have been in a romantic relationship.

 

"Friends" in the sense you are cordial to him, say hi and bye when you see him in public. Sure. Not a problem.

 

The type of "friend" that you hang out with? Sorry, if you are committed to someone else, its unacceptable. If you think I'm way off base, then ask your bf what he thinks of his gf hanging out with a guy she use to sleep with and fantasizes about.

 

If you think I'm way off base, then your bf will no doubt see it your way, right? If I'm way off base, then tell your bf. If I'm way off base, then why are you here?

 

 

I have known bill for 15 years, he has known my bf for ten, and I've been with my bf for four.

 

Ah, so because you haven't been with your bf as long as you've known Bill, your bf deserves this disrespect?

 

 

At different phases, the two of them have been very close, and there have been phases where the three of us are almost inseparable. I just can't see your advice - cutting ties completely - being appropriate here.

 

Then I guess your bf will just have to unknowingly have a gf that doesn't respect him and is shady to say the least.

 

I feel bad for your bf.

[nofool4u]

Given MY personal issues, I don't think this place is likely to actually be helpful.

 

Then keep searching for a forum that will tell you what you want to hear and that fantasizing and hanging out with a guy you are attracted to and have been intimate with before is A-ok to do behind your bf's back.

 

Most of us are representing, more than likely, how your bf would feel about the situation. If you aren't interested in what your bf would think, then what can we say.

 

Good luck.

[nofool4u]

To put this differently, my BF has several friends he had casual sex with at some point in his past. There is one who is particularly important to him, because she was a very good friend to him at a very, very difficult part in his life. If it came to my attention that he had decided to reward that level of loyalty by never speaking to her again, our relationship would not survive that.

 

Then why are you here?

[anxshus]

Does he have the same emotional friendship with her as you do with Bill?

 

I would say that right now, they are probably not as close as bill and I - but there have definitely been points (even since we started dating) where they were at least that close. I fully expect him to turn to her at points in the future, and am grateful he has other people in his world he can turn to when life is tough - I would feel totally incapable of bearing all his burdens, and would never want him to bear all of mine. I thought that's what having dear friends was all about, being able to share the load from time to time.

[anxshus]

No, thats the flippant thoughts <snip>

 

THIS is why I am not sure this is valuable forum for me. It could be argued that I've never had a flippant thought in my whole life.

 

I assure you, I read your responses and DECIDED that you are a jerk - some people make it very easy from time to time. I have nothing against blunt - I much prefer it, actually - but you seemed to cherrypick my words and use the parts you wanted to make inaccurate assumptions and sweeping accusations. Perhaps your girlfriend is a lucky girl, but I suspect you do not treat her the way you have treated me. If you do, I feel sorry for your girlfriend.

 

 

I will be taking the advice here to heart - have already started distancing myself from bill somewhat - but I won't be stopping back through. I do appreciate those who offered legitimate advice instead of accusations and insults. Nofool, I don't imagine your life is very happy. I hope you someday come to a point where your life is so full of joy that you don't have to fill it by coming to a message board and being a 'jerk' to people who are honestly seeking helpful advice.

Edited August 22, 2012 by anxshus

[nofool4u]

THIS is why I am not sure this is valuable forum for me. It could be argued that I've never had a flippant thought in my whole life.

 

I assure you, I read your responses and DECIDED that you are a jerk

 

Coming from someone that disrespects her bf and will continue to do so, I consider that a compliment. Thanks!!

 

 

I have nothing against blunt - I much prefer it, actually - but you seemed to cherrypick my words and use the parts you wanted to make inaccurate assumptions and sweeping accusations.

 

Ahem. Sorry, it just aint so. You said you have no plans of cutting contact with a guy you have sexual feelings for, and someone you have been intimate with in the past. This is disrespecting your bf.

 

So what you have is you not liking the truth.

 

 

Perhaps your girlfriend is a lucky girl, but I suspect you do not treat her the way you have treated me.

 

Correct. She is not like you, and if she did think she can hang around a guy she fantasizes about and has been intimate with, she'd be history. I have nothing against a SO being "friends" with an X in the form of civility, but if they think I will be a doormat and let them spend time alone with a guy they have the hots for, sorry, aint happening.

 

 

If you do, I feel sorry for your girlfriend.

 

You feel sorry for my girlfriend because I treat her in a different fashion than I have "treated" you?

 

Uh, ok:confused:

 

 

I will be taking the advice here to heart - have already started distancing myself from bill somewhat

 

Well its a start at least. I just hope, for your bf's sake, that you complete the transformation.

 

 

I do appreciate those who offered legitimate advice instead of accusations and insults.

 

 

I didn't insult you. Didn't call you a name(although I gave the "jerk" comment right back to you after you decided to spew it).

 

I spoke the truth, simple as that. You just didn't like it.

 

 

Nofool, I don't imagine your life is very happy.

 

I am no longer married to a cheating skank, who is now her new husband's problem. Therefore, that makes me very happy, but sad for him:(

 

 

I hope you someday come to a point where your life is so full of joy that you don't have to fill it by coming to a message board and being a 'jerk' to people who are honestly seeking helpful advice.

 

I hope someday you can come to a point in your life where you won't disrespect your boyfriends and realize that its not appropriate to spend time with another guy that you have the hots for.

 

Oh, and you get a pass on the "jerk" comment up to this point.

 

But you said you won't pass back through, so buh bye