birdyJ Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 (edited) I'm five months into a break up after 7 or so years. I've changed my life and feel happier with me. I've realised I was the way I was because of him and I guess it's all better this way. But these past couple of weeks particularly I'm finding tough. I keep reminding myself that 5 months is nothing compared to the time we spent together so I really am doing ok. I still think of him everyday. Not all day of course but when it's just me and I have time with my thoughts they do wander to him. I also keep thinking about him and his new girlfriend. I'd met with him twice in July to get money back that he owes me and both times I have felt patronised by him telling me he thinks I'll find someone who makes me happier than he did and also various snippets about his new girlfriend - namely her health issues (which sounds like he's been looking after her) and how he's considered moving away with her to where her parents live when she's finished her degree. I know people only show you what they want you to see but I keep wondering why has he got away so easily and when will he hurt like me? What makes him think it will work with her and not me? I suppose it's natural for me to want him to come back, just to know he wants me even though I don't want him but what if that day never comes and there's a good chance it wont! Will this feeling ever go away? Sometimes I feel like I've made so much progress and others I feel like the day where I no longer care will never come. Of course I miss him. But I stopped trying to be in his life from the start of the break up and only ever replied to texts if he initiated it. I have always loved him dearly but he didn't treat me the way I deserved and he thinks that also. The amount of people who always said he was punching above his weight with me and he still comes out on top. That's how it feels. When will I ever be able to shake these feelings? It drives me crazy! Edited August 12, 2012 by birdyJ
whatdoesntkillyou Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Hang in there, BirdyJ. I have never had a relationship quite as long as yours, but I recently broke with my first love and that was bad enough. I couldn't imagine how much more significant for you it would be! I just want to share with you some of the experience I have had. It will get better. I am still feeling pretty bad but over time it gets better. But you need to try your hardest to let go for it to get better. (this was very hard for me even now. But you got to try and try and try and try).I saw a counsellor and she taught me to reduce the number of 'thought spirals' (I think you know what I mean) by patting my own hand and acknolwedging what you're thinking. For example, if you were replaying a part of your relationship and wondered what it could be, pat yourself and say "you're ruminating again". This really helped me to break the cyclical thoughts.If you still feel like you have a lump in your stomach whenver you think about your ex, take long, slow deep breaths. Only think about the air entering your body and think out loud "breathe in, breathe out…" etc. It helped me to get immediate relief, or trying to go back to sleep. Thoughts were a lot more difficult to control when I was half-awake. It's not much, but I hope it helps a bit:) I think the key is to realise that you're holding on and telling yourself you got to try and let it go. It's so easy for me to say it. But I myself have trouble doing it too. But we're all in this together! 1
Author birdyJ Posted August 12, 2012 Author Posted August 12, 2012 Thanks whatdoesntkillyou. This was also my first love. It's very very hard. I know you're right about letting go, I need to want to. And I do want to but there is also part that doesn't. I shall keep trying because that is all I can do. I believe one day I will find my inner peace. And that goes for you too and everyone else here. I also saw a counsellor and she passed on some tips like you suggested but I have to admit I never tried them. I think I will now Thank you x
whatdoesntkillyou Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Good luck and let us know how you go. I haven't yet successfully let it go yet. (In fact something happened in mine that made it even harder). But one of the things my counsellor recommended me when I said why it was so hard to let go, is that instead of imagining having to dismantle or destroy the beautiful thing that was my love towards my ex in order to 'move on', I should imagine boxing it carefully, and locking it up in my heart. When I felt the need to, or when I was alone, I could open it and take a peek, and maybe think about the good times. That whole concept made me sad, but it was certainly easier to fathom than the thought that one must abolish the feeling for one's ex to move on.
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