Ex Won't Hang Out With Me!

[bournegold]

Me and my ex have known each other for several years. We just knew each other through the social crowd, but about a year ago became closer and started dating.

 

We broke up several months ago because he said he didn't think we were compatible. He never told me exactly what he meant by that, but about a week later he started seeing someone else, so I think he probably just dumped me because he wanted to be with her.

 

I was hurt but I took my space and am now ready to be friends again. When we first started dating, I was worried that us dating would ruin the friendship, but my ex always assured me we would remain friends. Even when we broke up, he told me staying friends was important to him.

 

I started contacting him again about a month ago, just friendly texts. We've seen each other at parties and he's always friendly with me. He sends me lots of funny emails and we chat online about once a week.

 

But any time I've asked him to hang out he's turned me down. He says he's too busy, or too tired or something, even when I know he doesn't have any other plans.

 

So why is he friendly online and in groups, but avoiding hanging out with me alone? Is he maybe scared I'm gonna try to get him back? How do I convince him I don't want that, I just want him as a friend?

[TaraMaiden]

You're an ex-.

he has a new partner.

 

Every other thread about keeping in contact with exes when you have found someone new will tell you - regardless of what kind of relationship existed before - that it's a bad idea, disrespectful to the new partner, and completely tactless and inadvisable.

 

He doesn't want to see you socially, because he has a GF, and you're not on the agenda.

Quit asking him - he will begin to resent it, and go NC on you.

At least show a little respect for the lady in his life.

[bournegold]

Sorry I wasn't clear... he's been seeing people but he isn't in a relationship with anyone. Also, he is good friends and hangs out with all his other exes, several of them one-on-one. I'm the only one he's been avoiding.

[Xestenz]

Perhaps he still has feelings for you and having you around would be both confusing for him and in his view an interference for the other women he is trying to move on with?

[mortensorchid]

I won't read too deep into this, he doesn't want to see you privately. When you are out in public, he is friendly enough towards you because he doesn't want a scene to escalate and make both of you look bad. That "let's be friends" line is just a bunch of nonsense for 90% of the population and we all know that. Move on.

[NoMagicBullet]

He doesn't spend time with you one-on-one:

• because he doesn't want to lead you on.
  
• because he's busy pursuing relationships with other women.
  
• because maybe, just maybe, he realized that being friends with exes doesn't work that well.
  
• because his friendships are shallow.
  

I don't know for sure, but any of the above are possible.

 

The cold hard truth is that romace/sex changes things. You can't go back to whatever friendship you have before, it just doesn't work.

 

When breaking up, people talk about being/staying friends, but what this usually turns into in reality is being friendly but not actually being friends in any meaningful way. It's seems it's more a way to express the idea of not wanting things to end badly, rather than actually being close in a platonic way -- because to do so is extremely complicated and adds an extra barrier to future relationships.

[Imajerk17]

Truthfully? He probably feels guilty. Or something to that effect. It would be hard to stay friends with say, an employee you had to let go due to there was someone else you really wanted to hire. In general it's actually harder for you (generic you) to spend time with someone whom YOU caused pain than the other way around. [The study is mentioned in a lot of Psychology 101 textbooks.] There is something similar going on here I think.

Edited August 11, 2012 by Imajerk17