Xestenz Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Need advice. I'm 2 months into NC after getting shockingly dumped by my girlfriend of 5+ months (not so shocking now that I recognize that I was merely a rebound). She sucked me deeply and quickly into her life's problems, and I ended up assisting her father with the liquidation of his company's intellectual property (the failed attempt at this business in retirement was one of the things weighing heavily on my ex -- they all lost their life savings, ouch!) He has always thanked me profusely for my assistance, and had asked that I keep in touch, but out of respect for her and for my own NC sanity I have made no such attempts. I have some new business contacts that might be able to assist him, and if so really help out his entire family (her included). My question is, being a good person who always tries to do right by people, should I reach out to him to provide these contacts and check in on how things are progressing with the work we did, or would this violate some unspoken ex girlfriend protocol? I would make no enquiries about his daughter (and frankly don't want to know anything) but it is very possible that he might say something unexpected as well.
notsure252 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 In this situation, I look into my life and think what would I do? I would send the contacts to the man because regardless of what happened with you and your ex, it sounds like he was a good man. I see no problem in trying to help him. I wouldn't bring up the ex for your own sanity however and I doubt he will bring her up much if at all. There is never anything wrong with helping someone that deserves it.
anne1707 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 How about emailing him - that way you can help him without risking personal topics that could crop up if you talked.
notsure252 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 How about emailing him - that way you can help him without risking personal topics that could crop up if you talked. Let's not kid ourselves, somehow something will probably be brought up, especially since he is helping the man out. But Xestenz has to be ready to just avoid it or change the topic.
anne1707 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Let's not kid ourselves, somehow something will probably be brought up, especially since he is helping the man out. But Xestenz has to be ready to just avoid it or change the topic. The OP can keep his email completely neutral and at least then he is in a situation where he can control his reactions and actual responses to any reply that may contain something about the ex. It sounds like the ex-girfriend's father is a decent man (hence the OP wanting to help him) and it may well be that he will recognise that it would not help to mention his daughter (who may also want NC for herself)
notsure252 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 The OP can keep his email completely neutral and at least then he is in a situation where he can control his reactions and actual responses to any reply that may contain something about the ex. It sounds like the ex-girfriend's father is a decent man (hence the OP wanting to help him) and it may well be that he will recognise that it would not help to mention his daughter (who may also want NC for herself) No, no, I completely agree. I just don't want the OP going in thinking it will be completely clean. More-than-likely something will be said that will somehow make the OP think of his ex.
Author Xestenz Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 Thank you for the thoughtful replies. I agree that if the contacts can help him it is the right thing to provide them. One aspect that's making me hesitate is the she might view this as an unwanted intrusion or as a break of NC, or that I'm trying to help just to win her back, etc. This after 2 months of hard won NC. I know her opinion is largely irrelevent, but I'm trying to approach this in a way that is healthy for all parties.
beyond Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Nice sentiments. If it were me, I would send a letter (remember those? lol) saying, here are the contacts, thought they could help etc. And adding something like 'I hope you understand there are no ulterior motives involved, just simply want to help you and have no wish to contact XYZ while we are both trying to heal'. xx
Author Xestenz Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 Must admit that even going back through the correspondance to get the documents and references I would need is taking me back a bit and bringing up some unwanted feelings. Reminds me of better times and that I gave so much to this woman. Well, I will feel good about this, as you can never go wrong doing the right thing. I like the letter idea, and might go with that. Thank you everyone for your input!
Push_Through_It Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Why not just tell the contacts to reach out to the dad directly. Thus removing you from the picture and avoiding anything coming up.
Car10e Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Need advice. I'm 2 months into NC after getting shockingly dumped by my girlfriend of 5+ months (not so shocking now that I recognize that I was merely a rebound). She sucked me deeply and quickly into her life's problems, and I ended up assisting her father with the liquidation of his company's intellectual property (the failed attempt at this business in retirement was one of the things weighing heavily on my ex -- they all lost their life savings, ouch!) He has always thanked me profusely for my assistance, and had asked that I keep in touch, but out of respect for her and for my own NC sanity I have made no such attempts. I have some new business contacts that might be able to assist him, and if so really help out his entire family (her included). My question is, being a good person who always tries to do right by people, should I reach out to him to provide these contacts and check in on how things are progressing with the work we did, or would this violate some unspoken ex girlfriend protocol? I would make no enquiries about his daughter (and frankly don't want to know anything) but it is very possible that he might say something unexpected as well. I think it would be okay to contact him. But I would just keep it short and simple. Let him know you just wanted to give him the contacts and thats it.
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