stillsearchin Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Hello all, I've read these forums in the past and have always found it helpful... However I am now faced with a major issue and I need some feedback and advice. I've been dating my GF for about 4 years (on & off)... We met at a very unstable time of our lives as we were both fresh out of long-term relationships. We each had 1 child from our previous partner, which only complicated things. We started dating way too soon, as neither of us had given enough time to get over our ex's....so essentially, we became each others rebounds, except our rebound turned into a long-term relationship...Our 1rst year had many ups and downs and we both made mistakes, however we really fell hard for each other and found ourselves inseperable and moving in together after a year. Our relationship was going great and another year quickly flew by. Suddenly, one day out of nowhere and without any warning or reason, i started noticing changes in her behaviour and her routine...she started becoming distant with me, spending less time together, starting stupid fights / arguments , started accusing me of cheating, having to leave the room to take a phone call or lie about who she was talking to, working longer hours....etc...all of this was very bizarre and seemed very suspicious!!....I didnt know what to think at first, especially because i wasn't a jealous person and i felt that we had such a solid relationship. But, I started paying more attention, and within a couple of weeks I discovered a very horrible truth!!....She had been cheating on me with her ex!! for the last few weeks!! I was soo devastated and hurt. I never wanted us to end and I did sincerely attempt to get through it, but after a few weeks I realized that I was too hurt to get passed this. Despite all of her attempts to say sorry or promise me that it would never happen again and beg me not to leave her, I eventually decided to end the relationship. It was such a hard thing to go through, but I just didn't know how to move forward knowing that our trust had been destroyed... plus i was in a very bad state of mind of wanting to hurt her back...maybe by sleeping with one of my ex's or her best friend. We officially broke up, but remained friends... within the first couple months she was relentlessly trying to get me back and promised me the world...but i insisted that if she felt this confusion of wanting to reconcile with her ex, especially for the sake of their son, that she needs time alone and away from me to figure out what she wants.... cuz i no longer wanted to be dragged through it and be continuously cheated on or deceived. It was very tough, but it had to be done....I sometimes wish that I could have the chance to reconcile with my ex for the sake of my daughter, but we are just 2 very different people and it would never work. To make a long story short, within 6 months of breaking up, we were basically on the verge of getting back together again...things didnt workout with her ex, and she kept trying to get me back... i made the mistakes of giving into her and letting her back in, seeing her more often and going to her for sex... maybe i was being weak, or maybe i was hanging on to some thread of hope that we could reclaim the love we once shared.... Nevertheless, we got back together and she made a very strong promise to me that this would never happen again and that she would do everything in her power to regain my trust!!! I have to honestly say that from all of my experiences in relationships,(and ive had many, im 36 now)....what was to follow was the most challenging and difficult time of my life... and i dont wish it upon anyone to have to go through!! Dealing with mistrust and betrayal in a relationship has been the hardest thing ive ever gone thru. I went from being the most confident, secure and independant guy to somewhat of the complete opposite.... its a very sad place to be, always wondering if she`s telling the truth, if she will do it again, where she was, where shes going....the list goes on and on.. 99% of people will tell u that once the trust is gone, the relationship is gone too.... Sadly enough, I had to learn this the hard way... I hate the person that ive become and i am so unhappy.... im not proud of this, but i even went as far as hacking her emails facebook and cell so i could keep tabs on her and make sure she was telling me the truth.... its soo pathetic!! Anyhow, we`ve been back together for another 18months now, and back to living together for the last 8months.... she did earn my trust back and she did prove to me that she was legit.... and i know, cuz i watched her like a hawk, (its not healthy, i know)... things were getting better, and i was starting to get over the mistrust... we were talking marriage, having a child together and saving up for a house together... all very good things Just last weekend i started noticing some weird changes in my gfs behaviour....i thought nothing of it, most likely she is feeling a bit apprehensive about my upcoming work schedule....I work in construction and i just got a huge contract that takes me 4 hours away from home. I knew that it would put some strain and stress on my relationship, but the money is too good to pass up. Its gonna be for 6 months, but I will come home on weekends....im set to leave on monday..... Anyhow, for some crazy reason, i dont know why, most likely reassurance, i decided to hack into her emails again(yesterday)...its been a long time since ive checked....BUT this time i found something....something very shocking and disturbing!!! There was an email that she forwarded to herself from her work email address...her work is on a private network and cannot be accessed publicly...anyways this email is a copy of her email&chat history with a new guy that she has just recently started talking to....She has started a new job, 3 months ago, and her manager(female) is trying to hook up my GF with this guy she knows, so she gave him her picture and her email to contact her....they have been talking on email non-stop since last friday...they both seem very interested in each other and have made plans to meet up this weekend for the first time....their chatting was non-stop on friday, tues and wed, and ends with the exchange of their phone numbers... This whole situation is soo shocking, and I really thought that this would never happen again... whats even more upsetting, is that she is potraying herself as being single, towards her co-workers....otherwise this would never happen in the first place... I just dont know what to do now... is this really happening?...technically im not even supposed to know about this email in the first place, so how can i confront her? Should i confront her at all? should i say nothing and walk away? Should i wait? I just cannot believe this is happening to me.... and also at the worst timing possible, as im supposed to be leaving on monday, then again maybe its a blessing in disguise... Thank you for reading this and i appreciate any advice or suggestions
NotCamelot Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 You should definitely tell her TODAY what you know. Do you really want to leave town with those thoughts in your head everyday? You have today and the weekend to see what will happen. Though it may not matter. It sounds like she has a pattern that may never change...especially since she has been presenting hefself as single all the time she's been with you. It seems like she has been looking for someone while leading you on.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Of course you must confront her. How could you get married to a person you can't trust?
TaraMaiden Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 I think this has gone beyond 'confronting'. I think this is disrespectful enough for you to dump her. see how much regret, pleading and crying happens, and compare it to how quickly she gets over you - with Romeo waiting in the wings - courtesy of her boss - ?! Unbelievable... Time to kick this to the touchline. Treat me like an idiot once, more fool you. Treat me like an idiot twice - more fool me. everyone has a right to be an idiot for '5 minutes a day' - Wisdom consists of not exceeding that limit. Please - don't be an idiot. 3
JasonRules Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 "I just dont know what to do now... is this really happening?...technically im not even supposed to know about this email in the first place, so how can i confront her? Should i confront her at all? should i say nothing and walk away? Should i wait? I just cannot believe this is happening to me.... and also at the worst timing possible, as im supposed to be leaving on monday, then again maybe its a blessing in disguise..." Dude, are you effen kidding me? You don't know what to do? Let me tell you what to do. 1. Grow a pair 2. When she removes the engagement ring take it away from her 3. Pack your crap and get out of there completely 4. Leave a note on the kitchen table saying: "If you're missing your engagement ring, do not worry. <The new guy> has it. You can call him at <his number> to go pick it up." You have to see this as a blessing. Imagine you're married, mortgage, kids etc and are together for 10 years and then she starts cheating on you. You'll be working like a mule to pay for her and child support, paying for her mortgage and living expenses. Meanwhile, you'll be living in a studio apartment or some crappy 1 bedroom, having very little money to rebuild your life, and will basically be "un-dateable" since you'll be a divorcee with little money. Do YOURSELF A FAVOR and spare yourself of this future. Take the ring, sell it, and get out NOW! 5
JasonRules Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 And whatever you do, do it fast and stealthily. Do not confront her or tell her what you know because she will start the with the pleading, crying, drama, maybe some mind blowing sex and since it sounds like you are easily swayed you will fall for the BS. 1
Furious Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Do not marry her! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life double checking everything she says and does, do you want to monitor her computer and e-mails looking to see if she's cheating on you. If you want to leave her head spinning, tell her you've met someone, someone so special and that you can't marry her because you realize you have strong feelings for someone else. Cheaters hate being cheated on, she will hate the thought you could do this to her. Walk away, with your pride and don't look back. 2
BetrayedH Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Just one more vote for being done with her. You did what you could. Be proud of that and move on. Sorry for what you're going thru. You'll find support here.
whichwayisup Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 There was an email that she forwarded to herself from her work email address...her work is on a private network and cannot be accessed publicly...anyways this email is a copy of her email&chat history with a new guy that she has just recently started talking to....She has started a new job, 3 months ago, and her manager(female) is trying to hook up my GF with this guy she knows, so she gave him her picture and her email to contact her....they have been talking on email non-stop since last friday...they both seem very interested in each other and have made plans to meet up this weekend for the first time....their chatting was non-stop on friday, tues and wed, and ends with the exchange of their phone numbers... I would call his number and say, "HI, I'm XXXX (insert name)'s fiancee. Just wanted to let you know, she's all yours. She's cheated on me once and now she is about to again. So, enjoy dating her. Oh and you tell her from me, the wedding is OFF!" Seriously, end it. This woman is NOT wife material. She isn't the one for you. You really don't need any long explanation as to why you're ending it, just do it. She will know why. What's the point of confronting her? Unless you want to salvage things? I hope not because she is SOOOOOOOOOOO not worth this heartache and pain. A woman in love and engaged does NOT do what she is doing! 5
Radu Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 I would call his number and say, "HI, I'm XXXX (insert name)'s fiancee. Just wanted to let you know, she's all yours. She's cheated on me once and now she is about to again. So, enjoy dating her. Oh and you tell her from me, the wedding is OFF!" Seriously, end it. This woman is NOT wife material. She isn't the one for you. You really don't need any long explanation as to why you're ending it, just do it. She will know why. What's the point of confronting her? Unless you want to salvage things? I hope not because she is SOOOOOOOOOOO not worth this heartache and pain. A woman in love and engaged does NOT do what she is doing! Please do this, she deserves it. If you don't jump out of this relationship right now, you deserve all the crap that is coming to you. 1
96nole Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Game. Set. Match. It's over. She did it before. She's doing it again. She's making the people she works with think she is single. She wants to be single. She just wants to make sure of her options before she leaves you. It's time for you to take control and either leave or boot her out. It's only a matter of time until she leaves you when you are least expecting it.
yongyong Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Nope guys wouldn't care as long as her pussy works fine. (maybe you can tell him she got crabs to change his mind lol) If I am about to meet a girl and I get a message like this, I would laugh at the guy and still try to bang that pussy. Of course, I wouldn't be in a relationship with her but I still get something out of it. The guy doesn't know about her situation so you can't really blame him. I would call his number and say, "HI, I'm XXXX (insert name)'s fiancee. Just wanted to let you know, she's all yours. She's cheated on me once and now she is about to again. So, enjoy dating her. Oh and you tell her from me, the wedding is OFF!" Seriously, end it. This woman is NOT wife material. She isn't the one for you. You really don't need any long explanation as to why you're ending it, just do it. She will know why. What's the point of confronting her? Unless you want to salvage things? I hope not because she is SOOOOOOOOOOO not worth this heartache and pain. A woman in love and engaged does NOT do what she is doing!
Author stillsearchin Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 Hey, thanks for the replies so far.... This is definitely a very hard pill to swallow and an embarassing experience to go thru... especially because i know that ending the relationship is the best option. I dont think that i could ever believe her or trust her again after this.... so its pretty much pointless to even consider. It could be much worse, i agree, if we were married already with our own children. Im too embarassed to tell any of my friends or family yet... as im sure i will hear the "i told u so" speech I love the idea of phoning the other guy...thats priceless!! I guess i just need to figure out how and when to end it.... most likely this weekend, b4 i go away for work... I think i would go crazy if i just went off to work without saying a thing to her. FML!!
SueBee3490 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 stillsearchin - I would get out of the relationship and find someone new whom you can trust. Below is a story that has been around for a while - it is good. This is a story about a wedding that took place. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family & to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation,he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So he taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, & asked them to open their envelope. Inside each envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man & said, "F---you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd & said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding & reception, & best of all, trashing the bride's & best man's reputations in front of 300 friends & family members. Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends: $32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000 Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500 The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
Balzac Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Embarrassed???? YOU have done nothing to feel embarrassed about. This is on her. It's an awful feeling to be betrayed twice, grant you that, end this the quickest way possible. Be glad you trusted your gut and dodged a bullet. How she deals with this is on her. I'd be calling a locksmith pronto. Be grateful for a busy work schedule and stay busy.
TobyBoy Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 I say catch her in the act!!! The look on her face..... Now that's priceless!!!!
Author stillsearchin Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 Ya i think i predicted it right!... she just called me, leaves work at 5, and tells me that she has to drop one of her co-workers off at home, so she will be a little bit delayed in getting home!!! Im heading out now to see where she really goes.... OMG i cant believe this is happening.... but to catch her in act will be the best closing of this relationship than i could have imagined!!!!
GorillaTheater Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Good luck, man, but I agree with the others that you should spare yourself the drama and just end it. Without a word. That would speak more loudly than anything else you could do.
mark982 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 i would print out all the evidence you have for when she tries to blame you for her cheating,then i like whichways idea,straight and to the point,embarress her.
GLDheart Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 You don't need to catch her in anything more than you already know. The best thing you can say to her is: SAY NOTHING AT ALL EVER AGAIN. She deserves nothing from you. Pack your stuff while she is out. Have an overnight bag ready to go already in your car. Get what you need and GET OUT! Kick her the hell out of your life once and for all. Do it swift. Do it thorough. Go No Contact immediately and stay that way. You have the new guys email. You have access to her facebook. Post on her home page: I'm a cheating hoe. While I am pretending to be in a happy relationship at home, I am acting single and dating a new guy at work. His name is [whatever] and here is his email: [[email protected]]. I don't know it yet but my Fiancee is packing up my $hit while I'm pretending to be "at work late"... I guess cheating hoes get kicked to the curb... I hope the new guy can someday be my doormat instead.
GLDheart Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 oh, and change your facebook status to "single"
Radu Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 I hope you won't do what GLDHeart is suggesting ... it could get you in some legal trouble even though it would be funny as hell. Just contact her OM minutes before you are ready to spring it on her. Contact her boss too if need be. Then let her get the phones from them. 1
GLDheart Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 I hope you won't do what GLDHeart is suggesting ... it could get you in some legal trouble even though it would be funny as hell. . bah... do it from a starbucks or other internet cafe near the OM's house... "plausible deniability"
BetrayedH Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 How about an update, stillsearching? I found myself hoping you didn't do something stupid. Been there, done that. The orange jumpsuit ain't too comfortable, especially since they don't let you wear underwear. 15 hours felt like 15 days. 2
BetrayedH Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Orange jumpsuit??? Are you serious BH? Yep, threw my wife out the front door. She fell on her hands and knees. Not my finest moment and not cool. Cleared it all up eventually but that was the end of our M.
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