Floored Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 It's been a weird week. Her texting me, our mutual friend are beginning to not talk to me; they think I ended it because I couldn't handle long-distance. Lots of crap coming out of the woodwork- there's a lot of friends I'm not talking to as well because they like the drama and 'revealing' all her secrets to me. Even though the secrets are putting together a puzzle, I don't need that and they've joined my own no-talk list. Despite all this, I finally felt like I've gained a future more than lost one, which is surprising to say and I hope the feeling sticks. I thought to myself, I'm going to just keep going my own direction and someone is going to just going to mesh with me completely, I won't need to bend my own desires to fit their will; compromises will always be made, but I finally felt that hope that there really is someone better for me. I thank NC and time, but I know I'm months away from actually being there; it was the eye of the storm if anything. I reevaluate it constantly, I'm sure this is natural. What mistakes I made, what flags I ignored (time and time and TIME again) all because I thought it would be worth it in the end. Almost every flag I ignored ended up being a major problem, things that I initially waved off as never being possible, like drug use, excessive partying, way too much flirting and number exchanging, have all come together as a reality in a big, nasty way. Love is blind, and now that my fairy tale is getting holes punched in it, I'm beginning to see the truth of how horrible the relationship was for me. It was great for her, I was a blank check for way to much stuff, a sober cab (called me thrice looking for a ride when I had to work within two hours, and way too many other times when she didn't want to go out with me), too many just horrible treatments that I wrote off as being a good boyfriend. One of the things I am now seriously doubting- not severely at the time but some unremembered incident planted it there- was if she ever cheated on me. I'm the kind of guy that goes all in, so anything outside of that is cheating, call me a prude, but that was the expectation for the relationship that SHE was very vehement in the beginning about. There are many, many weekends that are just unaccounted for, and taking toll, I know that she was spending it with her trashy friends who made a game out of cheating on their boyfriends. They joked often about corrupting her, and many times that I questioned I was being too jealous and it lead to many fights, many with unanswered questions. I'll spare the details, I get too long-winded anyway but it's been my source of anger the last few days. I'm thinking of breaking NC to ask if she cheated on me during our relationship. Part of me is telling me that it won't matter now anyway, that my pride is still gone and can't really get worse, but in a way, I want to know if I should get tested. Another part of my pride is demanding to know the full truth, and even if she still shies around the it, I'm starting to lose my grasp on dignity just to know. Never piss off the guy you relied on for so many years to do your tech support, he knows too well how to access everything. I've stayed away because it's just not right for one thing, I've not wanted to know what she's up to now, but now I'm overwhelmed with knowing if she was letting someone else take the cake while I was doing the work. Break NC and ask, break into her email, fb, everything and snoop, or just ride the anger wave out? I guess I know the right answer, but has anyone else ever wondered post-break if they were cheated on? Did you find comfort or closure even if you never found the truth? Is the truth worth knowing either way? I suppose I can just test myself, that's a duh, but again- pride. I shouldn't have to worry about it.
blotter Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Breaking NC is pointless, could you trust what she said one way or another, she would probably lie to you anyway. You should get tested whether or not she cheated on you. 2
Hindsight_is_20_20 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Ya, I agree - don't talk to her. She'll just lie, she doesn't have any loyalty to you and she's probably made some lie up in her head about how awful you were to her throughout the relationship to make herself feel better, giving her EVEN MORE reason to lie to you if you were to ask her. Get tested, if it's negative it might ease your mind (maybe) and if it's positive.. well I guess you got your answer. I know what you're going through, I have thought the same things about my ex but in the end? It doesn't matter does it? It's part of not letting go, to want to know. If you're moving on then nothing you're doing concerns them anymore. The answers wont matter as much once you accept the situation because you'll know it doesn't make a difference. I'm sorry you're hurting. We all are, just going through different stages at different times. Try to focus on you, read books about relationships, try to have even a little bit of faith that there is someone else out there that deserves you - because she sure as hell doesn't deserve any more of your time. 1
Recommended Posts