Veryconfused12345 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Hi there, So I'm not sure where I should post this but after a year of grieving the end of a very serious relationship, I've come back to the world of dating. And it's been difficult. I'm not sure what, if any advice, can be given here but this is an entirely new and uncomfortable situation for me so some insight would be greatly appreciated. Basically, I've really tried to get back into the dating world but haven't been too successful in hitting it off with anyone. I must have gone on dozens of dates at this point and while the guys have been generally kind and chatty, I feel like no one will have the same "effortless falling in love" affect on me that my ex fiance did. I think it's occurring to me that finding someone and falling in love and being sure of them is far more overwhelming and daunting than I was prepared for. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and I don't want to spend it pining over my ex. But I'm just getting so discouraged going out again and again and being disappointed by the whole thing. I can't help but compare everyone to my ex, even a year later. I just don't know when I'm going to not feel so intensely lonely. I was a bit young and naive to think that the type of dynamic between my ex and I could be replicated with anyone else and now its hitting home. I feel quite depressed recently. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciate. Thank you so much
durentu Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 It's a self fulling prophecy. Whichever way you think, that will become true for you. This is why having a positive attitude or a 'can do' attitude is beneficial.
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Hi Durentu, Thanks very much for your reply. I completely agree with you that if I expect the worse when dating again, I'll find it. The problem is I really started out feeling optimistic about moving forward and was almost excited about getting into a new relationship. I suppose what I was trying to articulate was the fact that there are a million factors that need to conspire to make a good healthy relationship and its scary to think I had that and lost it. My fear is I may have lost that chance already. It's also been some new experiences in being rejected and that combination of things after being dumped by what I thought was the love of my life conspire to make me feel more intensely insecure than ever before. I suppose I just don't feel very lovable after my last relationship
venusianx13 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Hi there, I wanted to get your back-story, so I checked out your earlier posts about your failed relationship, your trouble coping with the break-up... I want to respond to you because I've been in nearly the same situation, and completely sympathize with you. I was with my ex fiance for 5 years. During that time, my already bad self-esteem hit an all time low. I struggled with anxiety, with depression, etc. Looking back, I think the poor nurture of the relationship caused me to be in a dark place. I was hopelessly devoted to him, and I *thought* I wanted a future with him, when in fact, what it really was was a co-dependent relationship. I never thought I could be happy without him, but in hindsight, it was staying in that relationship that was keeping me UNhappy. It was nothing but a dead end. Two days after we broke up, he slept with a barmaid at a bar he hung out at. Nice, right? The fact that he would SO QUICKLY move on after me, the woman he supposedly loved and wanted to marry, spoke VOLUMES to me. And I became determined to forget him. And I did. It wasn't easy, and I was absolutely TORMENTED for a few weeks. His crazy texts and such were not helping matters any, either. Okay, relevant to what you're currently dealing with...it was not until I learned to be happy with myself and my life WITHOUT a man that I met a really wonderful man who made me wonder what the hell I was ever thinking by wasting 5 years on a man like my ex. I dated men as soon as I found out about my ex f*cking the barmaid, but I wasn't seriously looking for a boyfriend. I just wanted to meet people and have fun and see what might be out there - and I did! I went on MANY first dates with some pretty okay men, but no second dates UNTIL I really started to feel better about myself. And it showed. I think the first men I saw actually saw the emotional baggage I was carrying. And the connections I had with them were only so-so. But I kept dating, and even just trying to talk to men wherever I went. A LOT. I did not have expectations. What I focused on during that time was raising my son, engaging in volunteer activities that held meaning for me, and strengthening my spirituality. As time went on, and the memories of my ex faded away, I became happier, and people saw it. And it wasn't until I was completely healed and baggage free that I met my current boyfriend. But even with him, I kept NO expectations, initially. I was determined to be okay with whatever happened, no matter what. He and I ended up being just so compatible and I truly believe I ONLY made that kind of connection because I was so happy with myself and my life, sans boyfriend. You can do this, OP. DROP your expectations and DO YOU for a while. And then I guarantee you, you will evenually fall in love effortlessly again (soon!)
venusianx13 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 In addition, you can never replace what you and your ex had. I think you deserve even better than that, actually. You will never interact with another man the way you interacted with your ex... you will never replicate the dynamic you two had, it's impossible. I promise you that's a good thing! And you can learn from the experiences you had with him. Everyone we meet and every situation we are in is meant to teach us something.
Recommended Posts