seaberry Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 This past weekend I had a summer bbq/party at my house. I invtited my boyfriend along with most of my close friends. This would have been one of the first times my boyfriend would have attended an event with my friends after he and I broke up and got back together. (We were together five years, broken up for a year, now together for almost 9 months again). A few days before the party he started saying that he wasn't feeling well..... Then the day of the party he said he was sick and did not come (just no-showed). He has a history of not attending things I invite him to. Typically he wont come to my house, only wanting us to hang out at his house. The day after the party he called, and I told him that I though he was rude and should apologize. He hung up on me and said I was being selfish and that I should be the one apologizing. This was two days ago and we have not spoken...not sure what to do here??
robdrm32 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 .... you should find a new boyfriend. simple yet true. not worth the headache
pteromom Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Let's review the facts... You've been back together for 9 months, and he's not attended any event with your friends. He has a history of not showing up for things you invite him to. He rarely comes to your house. He doesn't think anything of just "no-showing" to your party, and doesn't find it rude to leave you there waiting for him and hoping to see him. Rather than talking through an issue, he makes an accusatory comment, hangs up on you, and doesn't talk to you for two days. Yep... sounds like a real winner. Here's what I see... he doesn't want to put in any effort. He doesn't want to compromise. He cares about what he wants, but has no desire to be friends with your friends or place any importance on what YOU want. He's selfish and immature. So the big questions: - What do you WANT to do? - What do you get out of this relationship exactly? But there's no point being angry at him for being who he is. He's shown you who he is over and over, so it should be no surprise that he didn't show up to your party.
Author seaberry Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 I should comment that we are 35 years old (ie not in high school).
durentu Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Time to practice empathy and communication skills. please use indian talking stick method
pteromom Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I should comment that we are 35 years old (ie not in high school). Oh. In that case, you need to dump him. There are guys out there who would be willing to integrate into your life, not just expect you to join his.
Author seaberry Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 I had not been inviting him to things because I had reservations that he would do something like this. I decided that we have been back together long enough and seemed to be doing well, so I decided to go ahead and go for it.
Author seaberry Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 As long as we are at HIS house, having what he wants for dinner, watching a movie he likes etc...he is generally agreeable and good to be with. But the minute I suggest he come stay at my house (we both live alone) or attend something that I initiate, he won't participate. What do I do..tell him he won't see me unless he comes to my house??
pteromom Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 As long as we are at HIS house, having what he wants for dinner, watching a movie he likes etc...he is generally agreeable and good to be with. But the minute I suggest he come stay at my house (we both live alone) or attend something that I initiate, he won't participate. What do I do..tell him he won't see me unless he comes to my house?? He doesn't want to put in the effort to integrate into your life. It's up to you whether that is acceptable to you or not. But I wouldn't say "You can't see me unless you come to my house." It's a challenge, and he'll be put off by it. I WOULD say something like... "I am happy being with you at your home and doing what you like, but I want you to be part of my life too. What can we do to make my house, my friends, and my interests part of our life together too?" By wording it like that, you are asking him to help you solve a problem rather than putting him on the defensive. If he gets angry and hangs up/walks away, you really need to decide if this is what you want.
mortensorchid Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Forget him, honey. Once I read about your history I was even more convinced this is a bad idea that you two should be together to begin with. We try, we do, but it doesn't sound like he is trying. Move on.
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