veggirl Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Update: Last night we met at her house; she asked me if I loved her. I said "yes I do love you" and she said she loved me as a person but that she doesn't feel the passion that she had for her ex boyfriend. She said that perhaps it is because she is older and and passion comes and goes depending on how she is feeling. She said that she was frustrated and she started crying. She doesn't sound "older" or mature to me, she sounds like a child who refuses to take responsibility for herself. Passion comes and goes with how she is feeling? Whatever. So basically she is saying it's up to you to make sure SHE feels good. And that if you don't, prepare for the consequences. She shifts and changes like a breeze in the wind. She is NOT emotionally healthy. Essentially I left for an errand and she called her mom who said, "live in the moment; you never know what is going to happen." so I arrived back when she said she still wanted a relationship and that she enjoyed our connection, how we hold each other, Etc etc.... She wants you to make her feel better. None of this has anything to do with YOU specifically though. You could be ANY guy and she would take affection / adoration. At this point, I was quite frustrated.... I told her that I didn't feel like being her experiment, and that I am not her emotional tampon. I felt very frustrated because she called me over to her house to tell me that she isn't in love with me and that she doesn't feel passion for me. But she still wants a relationship? Really? So why did you say those things in the first place? You are 100% her emotional tampon. She said, "you and I are in a relationship." I told her that I felt second best, that she is just waiting for the next best guy to come along. I felt like she was just using me for company.... So SHE decides if you are in a relationship? What about what you want? She will never give it to you. She is using you, absolutely. She wanted me to hold her, kiss her, and have sex and I told her that I didn't feel like I could be myself around her anymore. She was almost asleep and I kissed her cheek and told her that I wasn't angry with her and that I am glad that she was being honest and that she should always follow her heat; then I left.... I know some of the women on here said that it was wrong of me to propose FwB to her, but I felt lost and didn't really know how to react after she told me all of this.... She said she wanted more! Wtf? She is not in love with me and feels less passion than in her past, but she wants a relationship with me? So she wants me around but at the same time she makes sure that I know I am not good enough for her? Hmmmm! That's it. She did it again, just when I was starting to feel good about us again. yeah she's just keeping you around for comfort til she finds someone she really wants or her ex agrees to take her back. So what do you mean "that's it" ? What are you gonna do now?
Author Johnny85 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 It was wrong because it's not what you want. You want a girlfriend. This girl has no respect for you. She is going to get back with her ex boyfriend and dump you. She hasn't been together with him in 4 years.
Emilia Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 She hasn't been together with him in 4 years. The way she goes on about him you would never guess. 1
Author Johnny85 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 You're still being a pusssy johnny85...what the hell is it going to take for you to get mad man? at least show some passion or fire, destroy a flower or something for christ sakes! She's blowing you off, telling you she doesn't have these romantic feelings...not just for you but for her own guilt and you sit there and coddle her like "don't worry little butterfly..i just want you to spread your wings and be happy"...do you not understand that this is what makes you the push-over? this constant acceptance and bending, this total lack of self-respect? Tell her how you feel, show her your pain and how you feel...at least get something out of this man, stop letting her roll up into a ball and play the victim..she's telling you she's wild...which is not a good thing johnny! and you're just the safety net but you bore her, you're typical and you have no fire, uninspiriing...she doesn't have the emotions for you and you don't have what it takes to make her happy...she doesn't want anything else or less with you because you are this comfort zone, she'd bang a hot guy who gave her a lot of passion as a FWB or casual sex but not timid timmy (you!). You need to really start getting your emotions off of your chest and expressing them at the very least or you're going to destroy yourself...at least learn to talk smack and say how you feel, stop pulling punches with this girl and worrying about losing her, you don't keep a girl with fear anyway...so you've got nothing to lose, let r rip with your emotions...get mad and hurt, say how you really feel for once...just using your voice that is! I have expressed my feelings to her; trust me. I told her that I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't feel the same as I did. I told her that she should just break up with me instead of beating around the bush.... I told her that there are a million cool chicks out there that I am compatible with and would rather be with someone who is in love with me than someone who isn't. I told her to stop being nice and just say what she needs to say. I told her that I do not wish to be her emotional experiment (she has not been in a relationship for 4-5 years). I am not a push over; I have given her plenty of opportunities to break up with me.... The comment about "I want you to spread your wings and be happy": yes actually I do because that means I'll find someone who is 100 % into me. The funny thing is that 2 days ago she was talking about moving in with me, moving to a different city and seeing what happens. Now she is completely flip flopping. She changes her mind every 2 seconds. Yesterday she said 2 things: 1) "if you asked me to marry you, I would have to think about it"; 2) "You are 90 percent emotionally invested and I am 75 %, perhaps I need more time?
Author Johnny85 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 I also told her that I want you but I don't need you to which she responded, "We need each other." What am I gonna do? I have no plans on forcing anything between us. I am giving her the perfect opportunity to walk away....
Emilia Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I am not a push over; I have given her plenty of opportunities to break up with me.... That's the definition of a pushover.
Emilia Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I also told her that I want you but I don't need you to which she responded, "We need each other." What am I gonna do? I have no plans on forcing anything between us. I am giving her the perfect opportunity to walk away.... Do you really not understand that any self-respecting person would walk away themselves and not wait the for the other person to act decisively? 'told her 'told her told her' those are words. Where is the 'do'?
Author Johnny85 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Well I am not exactly innocent in the whole situation either: i enjoy spending time with her and sleeping next to her. If that makes me a push over, then 99% of the world population are push overs. My issue is that I have given her the opportunity to define our relationship as no strings attached, where no expectations exist. Yet she insists on a relationship? Do you know how frustrating that is? Label me as a push over if you want but being European in the US, I only date European women and they are more scarce in the U.S.. I really like her personality. Sure there are a lot of cool chicks out there but I like this one. No infatuation.....
Emilia Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Well I am not exactly innocent in the whole situation either: i enjoy spending time with her and sleeping next to her. If that makes me a push over, then 99% of the world population are push overs. Only if they stay in an unhappy situation where their needs aren't met My issue is that I have given her the opportunity to define our relationship as no strings attached, where no expectations exist. Yet she insists on a relationship? Do you know how frustrating that is? I know what your issue is: you are allowing another person to control your life. You are freely giving her control. Label me as a push over if you want but being European in the US, I only date European women and they are more scarce in the U.S.. I really like her personality. Sure there are a lot of cool chicks out there but I like this one. No infatuation..... So basically you are desperate because you think you can't find better.
Author Johnny85 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 She just texted me asking how I was doing and if I want to meet.... She is a roller coaster. I doubt anyone on here has dated a girl like this. She is here today and gone tomorrow. Thanks for all advice. Very nice of ALL of you. I am not ignoring your advice. If anything I feel like p..... And I feel self conscious. I thought we clicked and yet she is distancing herself 24/7. One day here, one day gone.
Author Johnny85 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Only if they stay in an unhappy situation where their needs aren't met I know what your issue is: you are allowing another person to control your life. You are freely giving her control. So basically you are desperate because you think you can't find better. Well I know perfectly well that when it doesn't work out with girl #1, girl #2 pops out of nowhere and stumbles into your life. Personality wise, she is very much my type; emotionally I can do so much better.
Emilia Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Thanks for all advice. Very nice of ALL of you. I am not ignoring your advice. If anything I feel like p..... And I feel self conscious. I thought we clicked and yet she is distancing herself 24/7. One day here, one day gone. Glad some of it is getting through
monkey00 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 His thread has been amusing to read. Maybe she has no baggage. Women can be very fickle sometimes and indecisive. She definitely sounds like she has some hang ups. With this attitude about her and constant mind changing, she does sound more like someone who would be good for a casual relationship. Or random hook up. Is it possible she has a mental disorder like ADD? Maybe it might explain the flighty behavior. I personally know women like you describe IRL and they are not relationship material at all.
veggirl Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I also told her that I want you but I don't need you to which she responded, "We need each other." What am I gonna do? I have no plans on forcing anything between us. I am giving her the perfect opportunity to walk away.... Why give her the opportunity to walk away? Why don't you just walk away since you are not going to get what you want? She just texted me asking how I was doing and if I want to meet.... She is a roller coaster. I doubt anyone on here has dated a girl like this. She is here today and gone tomorrow. Thanks for all advice. Very nice of ALL of you. I am not ignoring your advice. If anything I feel like p..... And I feel self conscious. I thought we clicked and yet she is distancing herself 24/7. One day here, one day gone. Plenty of people on LS have dated men and women like this. They regret it once they are finally able to cut the cord and move on. They regret wasting their time with someone like your girl. Yes she does have ADD. Diagnosed? Is she on meds?
Author Johnny85 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 She had it as a child but the symptoms decreased with age. She is currently not on Meds but she is still extremely hyper active, in that something must always happen. You're right; I just like her personality a lot. We really click. She is just emotionally unavailable.
monkey00 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 She had it as a child but the symptoms decreased with age. She is currently not on Meds but she is still extremely hyper active, in that something must always happen. . My hunch was right. Look heed my advice, I had an ex who had ADD also and it was challenging due to similar reasons as yours. She also used to take Meds as a kid too and stopped as an adult. I also have a friend who had an ex with ADHD and from his stories, his relationship sounded hellish. If you care about your future at all. you should end it now before you get any more attached. Your life will suffer, hers not so much.
monkey00 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 We really click. She is just emotionally unavailable. It's not intentional. It's part of the ADD disorder. Go google 'couples or relationships with someone with ADD' and you'll see what I mean. A lot of people who are in relationships with people that have ADD face the same challenges as you. That means your life will be full of drama. And in order for this to work you have to be extremely understanding and accommodating to their needs while sacrificing a lot of your own.
Author Johnny85 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Thanks monkey!! Borderline what?
The Way I Am Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 (edited) Well I am not exactly innocent in the whole situation either: i enjoy spending time with her and sleeping next to her. If that makes me a push over, then 99% of the world population are push overs. You're a push over because your needs are not being met. You let her mistreat you because you like to spend time with her and sleep next to her. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who you enjoy spending time with, enjoy sleeping next to, treats you well, and feels passion for you? My issue is that I have given her the opportunity to define our relationship as no strings attached, where no expectations exist. Yet she insists on a relationship? Do you know how frustrating that is?Why would she want a FWB with someone she has no passion for? A sex-only arrangement is all about attraction and passion. She'd get nothing out of that arrangement from you. All she gets from you is -- as you put it -- an emotional tampon. If she lets you out of the "relationship", there goes all the emotional support and ego stroking. She has no reason to voluntarily give up the ego boost. She can keep you around for as long as she needs until she finds another guy who actually does it for her. Then she'll drop you. You're a push-over because you're just going to wait around for that to happen. She just texted me asking how I was doing and if I want to meet.... She is a roller coaster. I doubt anyone on here has dated a girl like this. She is here today and gone tomorrow. You haven't read many threads on LS have you… emotionally I can do so much better. I couldn't agree more. Edited August 23, 2012 by The Way I Am
salparadise Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Borderline what? Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Tiera D Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 OP your ex is most like my most recent ex i will say our case is 90% alike blowing hot and cold,pulling the breakup threat on me,calling me to change things i could never change,wanting to meet her ex one "last" time let me ask u 1) does she seem always unhappy? 2) do you feel that the relationship is more like a business partnership than true love 3) Does she ever compliment you or keep picking out your flaws you know in the end we brokeup due to quarelling and she says we are not compatible and tried to pull the lets have a break crap on me 2 weeks later saw her and her ex together in a carnival.. TD
Author Johnny85 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 Update: On Wednesday she called me to come over to her house. She tells me once again that she loves me but that she does not feel Passion for me. There is a lot of doubt but at least she is being honest with me. The following day she asked me to meet her at a cafe in town. She tells me that the "other guy" contacted her again, And that she chatted with him on Skype for two hours the previous day (before she called me over to essentially tell me how I am not good enough for her). I tell her that I do not wish to be in a relationship with someone who is thinking about another guy. I break up with her telling her how betrayed I feel. The next day she is texting me all day saying how she wants to be in a relationship with me bla bla bla. I mean, she is very persistent!! She asks me to meet her for lunch and I tell her no. Then she asked me to meet her in the evening for an hour. Here she told me that she texted "the other guy" never to contact her again. I told her that I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is stuck on some other guy. That evening she was going on a trip. She texted me saying that she loves me and that she means it. I can't help but feel f....... Betrayed. I am starting to have resentment inside of me towards her. I don't know if I'm overreacting. On one hand she was honest with me about the other guy. However why would she talk with him for two hours and then on the same day tell me how I am not good enough for her? That is not a coincidence. I feel betrayed and I can't help but feel like it is going to happen again. FYI, we are not talking about a skank here. She is very well educated and successful. But she seems emotionally unstable. Am I justified to feel this way? I don't even feel like being myself with her anymore. 1
Author Johnny85 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 I should add that she wrote him an email saying never to contact her again. And I read some of their texts on Skype and she kept telling him how she was happy in our relationship. Yet she essentially was having doubts about us right after they spoke. I am so confused.... and it's not like I am not following your advice but when I hear her say one thing and then essentially begs me to be in a relationship with her. And I came across as a real jerk with her last time we spoke. I told her all my negative feelings and told her I refused to be the other guy!!
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