Johnny85 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 (edited) I have been dating a girl for three months. We established that we are in a relationship approximately 1 month ago. We have essentially seen each other every single day for the last three months. We have major chemistry personality wise, but few common interests. This morning she said to me, "we are so different." I was recently offered a job in a different city and she said I should take it.... She said this several times, which made me feel that she didn't care. Today when I drove her to work, I told her that she wouldn't be saying these things unless she meant them. I continued by saying that perhaps we were not meant to be and that it did not feel natural because she always said these things to me, and that I felt that she didn't want to be together with me. She asked me if I was breaking up with her. I told her that I just felt that she didn't want to be with me. She said she liked me and that we get along well and that she is physically attracted to me and we laugh and have fun. She said that she wanted to be with me. 2 minutes later she said that she wasn't sure and she would need to think about it all. She asked me if I felt passion (I told her I didn't know) but obviously she just asked me this because she didn't know.... SHe asked me if we break up, will I still want to hang out with her? Should it all be about passion? Essentially I dropped her off at her work, and she said she needed to think about what we talked about. She wanted to meet tonight. I drove off mad. Then I texted her about 1 hour later asking if we could meet during her lunch break and talk. I haven't heard from her. I feel sad and hurt that she would be willing to let me go so easily. Today is gonna suck! Edited August 8, 2012 by Johnny85 v
venusianx13 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 She's putting distance between herself and you (emotionally...trying to, at least) because she thinks you'll be moving for a job. It may not be the most mature thing to do, but I understand that she must be afraid of becoming too attached to you, in light of this new job prospect. I am 100% positive on this one.
Author Johnny85 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 She has been single for 4 years until she met me and seems to be very afraid of commitment. Last Saturday, she asked me if we should add our relationship on Facebook and when I said yes, she changed her mind. I understand that for two individuals in their late 20s it may be silly to update our relationship status but I became upset over the fact that she didn't want to share our relationship (kind of like saying: "I don't think we are going to last so why bother tell the world." Today when we were having our discussion, she asked me, "if we break up, can we still hang out?" She seemed to be going back and forth with the idea of us breaking up. She seemed Ok with it; I suppose I was testing her to see if my gut feeling was valid: that she was having doubts. Another thing that really bothers me is that she is still communicating with a former lover of hers. He is trying to have virtual sex with her (they live in different cities) and she still wants to be friends with him. SHe told him on Saturday that they were just friends and that she was in a relationship and happy. She did text me today and asked if I was angry. We are gonna meet up later on.
venusianx13 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Okay, so it sounds like she is testing you...to see how much you really do care for her. And yes, she sounds afraid. If all of this came to light after you told her about your job offer, it makes perfect sense. If you want to keep her, she sounds like the type who needs a LOT of reinforcement, a LOT of reassurance. However, if you were to move, what then? Is she important enough to you that you would pass up that opportunity? If not, then she's probably doing the right thing, but going about it the wrong way. Best of luck.
Author Johnny85 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 She did not know about the job offer until last night. She has been acting on and off, happy then weird, for a while now. And this has affected me and she thinks I am acting weird all the time. I don't feel like being myself when I know she is having doubts about us. So this has been going on since before the job offer. And I feel needy/possessive now even bringing us up. That's why i kind of exploded with emotions this morning. I told her that she should probably find a guy she has more in common with (since she always brings up the fact about how different we are). And that she wouldn't be saying these things unless she actually meant them (felt them in her heart). I don't even know how common it is to feel doubt after 3 months. I am lousy at relationships. I just feel that she wouldn't have even considered breaking up with me if she wanted me to be her boyfriend. She said, "Ok, well will we just be friends if we break up." And she said, "I need to think about everything you have said." I told her, "What is there to think about; I think I have my answer." She is foreign and her visa in my country expires in 3.5 months.
proseandpassion Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I do find it odd that you spend every day together. Maybe she wants some breathing room.
Author Johnny85 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 She just sent me a text saying that she is tired and would prefer to meet tomorrow! How wonderful! I think this is over....
venusianx13 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 *She is foreign and her visa in my country expires in 3.5 months.* Again, knowing this, she does not want to become too attached...
Author Johnny85 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 She broke up with me last night saying she wasn't in love with me and that she didn't feel the butterflies when thinking about me. She said she didn't see us having a future together. 25 minutes later she changed her mind saying she would like us to date but go slow. We were kissing and she wanted to have sex and I started crying. We went to bed and after a while I kissed her and left. She has since called me and texted me to meet tonight but I haven't responded. I feel really sad but I don't know what's worse: her heart rejecting the best of mine or me no longer feeling welcome in her heart.
venusianx13 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 It honestly doesn't sound like she rejected you, or she wouldn't have changed her mind. Either way, leave well enough alone. Whatever her reasons, she was very fickle, and it's impossible to have a healthy relationship on those terms. I honestly still believe she is behaving this way because she is afraid of being hurt (i.e. doesn't want to get too attached). There are other girls out there, OP... ones who can stick with a decision. She was playing games with you, and that's cruel. You can do better than that. You honestly seem like a decent guy. Devote yourself to a woman who deserves it.
InJest Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 (edited) Just don't respond back to her at all. She made her bed. Let her lie in it. And of course, my textbook piece of advice, continue banging her until you find a new girl. Actually, if you're crying and **** after only a month, something is wrong. She probably thinks you're clingy. If you take her back, don't think about her as a long term partner. Edited August 10, 2012 by InJest
yongyong Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Look you got played big time. I am sure you feel really dumb inside. When you talked about possibility of break up, she didn't want you to say that because of her f-ing ego. If she doesn't feel love, you can't blame her and she could just walk away. She acted like she liked you and after it affected your decision, she pulled the trigger! Obviously, don't contact her. If she contacts first and comes over to your house, I would bang her, throw $5 bill on her face and tell her GTFO. well that's what I would do...it's up to you 1
Author Johnny85 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Hi All! Thanks for the replies; I appreciate it. We finally met on Friday evening. I was at a bar having a beer with two friends when she called me and showed up to hang out. Note that one of my friends is a girl (who does have a boyfriend). She got so jealous, accusing me of inviting the girl just to make her jealous, which is not true. Essentially we ended up having an argument but kissed and made up that night. On Saturday morning we had sex and were lying in bed when she suddenly checked her Facebook. Bam! There was a message from her ex lover who lives in a different state. She told me she had texted him first and that she was struggling with the idea of whether she should go and see him or not. Then she said she was not going to, for he only wanted sex and then he would reject her. This is how I interpret what she said: "if He wanted more than sex, I would go and see him." That day we spent all day at the pool and it was very passionate and nice. I told her that perhaps we should just be lovers and see each other casually. She said she didn't want that (she wants a relationship). Sunday morning she posted an intimate photo of us on Facebook, the first time she has done that. We have been spending less time together, which is a positive. But I feel sad and confused. I don't know if she only said that "we're so different" because she felt hurt. I mean, she said she couldn't see herself with me in the future and said she wasn't in love with me last week. Any input/support would be greatly appreciated.
miss_jaclynrae Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 It isn't going anywhere. Hate to say it, but you are a stand-in.
miss_jaclynrae Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Not exactly, but in a way. She is using you for company, it isn't necessarily bad. Guess it depends on what you are comfortable with.
The Way I Am Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Sounds like she doesn't have strong feelings for you but is trying to convince herself that she does and/or is using you to make the other guy jealous. You're the consolation prize. There's no way for you to have a relationship while she's still hung up on another guy.
Author Johnny85 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 So last week after we had our big argument, and she later on told me that she wasn't in love with me and couldn't see us having a future together, do you think she meant it? Or was she allowing her feelings, which come and go, to say those things to me? I feel so confused cause I don't want to be with someone who isn't into me. Yet her actions are saying something completely different to me.
miss_jaclynrae Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 So last week after we had our big argument, and she later on told me that she wasn't in love with me and couldn't see us having a future together, do you think she meant it? Or was she allowing her feelings, which come and go, to say those things to me? I feel so confused cause I don't want to be with someone who isn't into me. Yet her actions are saying something completely different to me. I am going to reply one more time before you start irking me. She likes you, but there won't be anything long term. You are a filler. It is up to you to decide if you don't mind and continue knowing it won't last forever, or you can move on.
Author Johnny85 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Thanks All! I appreciate it. Only time will tell what happens.
The Way I Am Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) So last week after we had our big argument, and she later on told me that she wasn't in love with me and couldn't see us having a future together, do you think she meant it? Or was she allowing her feelings, which come and go, to say those things to me? If somebody says things like that to me, I generally take them at their word. If they don't mean it, I'd still rather not be with someone who would say hurtful things like "I'm not in love with you and don't see a future with you" when they don't mean it -- unless they're a spy or something and it's matter of life and death. Even then, it'd probably be less romantic in real life than in movies. She's not a spy is she? I feel so confused cause I don't want to be with someone who isn't into me. Yet her actions are saying something completely different to me.You might be just seeing what you want to see here, because the actions you've described are right in line with her statement that she's not in love with you. She broke up with you. That's a pretty big action in support of not being in love with you. She then changed her mind. That might be a sign she loves you or it might be a sign she just doesn't want to be alone. Then while you were still together, she texted her ex, because she was considering going to see him. After he either didn't respond or shot her down, she texted you to hang out. She admits to you the only reason she isn't going see him is because he doesn't want a relationship with her. (Not the other way around.) Does that sound like a woman in love with you? If a friend were asking you about this situation, would you tell him it sounds like the woman loves him? Johnny, you seem to be looking for a black and white answer. You want to know if she's in love with you or if she's just using you. The answer is likely neither. She probably has some feelings for you, which, along with fear of loneliness, is why she gets emotional about loosing you, but she also seems to be using you to get over the ex and possibly (hopefully not) to make him jealous. She's clearly still got feelings for the ex, and I hate to say this, but I think you're a rebound. My advice is to step back and tell her that you don't feel like the timing is right for you two right now. There are a lot of things making this relationship difficult: her ex, her visa, your job offer. I just don't think you should plan your future around a wishy-washy 3 month relationship with someone who's not over another guy. Edited August 14, 2012 by The Way I Am 1
Author Johnny85 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 We met yesterday and she vonuntarily started discussing "the other guy" and deleted him in front of me on Skype and FB. Later that night she asked me if I wanted her to move with me to my home country. And today in chat on FB she said "love u."
Author Johnny85 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Thanks "the way I am." He was never her boyfriend; she referred to him as her obsession (it was a virtual affair and they only met twice). She deleted him without me even asking or bringing it up.
Author Johnny85 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 And I don't want us to end for I am really in love with her and enjoy being us.
veggirl Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 She sounds totally psycho. I would tell her s.hit or get off the pot. She is wishy washy and you take whatever crumbs she tosses your way. Sad. She is clearly using you for attention / affection. I agree with Jaclyn.
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