Have you ever been in a relationship like this?

[veggirl]

And I don't want us to end for I am really in love with her and enjoy being us.

 

you enjoy not knowing where you stand? you enjoy being broken up with multiple times? and enjoy being told "i don't love you. oh wait I do love you"

 

really?

 

[crazylove]

I have been dating a girl for three months. We established that we are in a relationship approximately 1 month ago. We have essentially seen each other every single day for the last three months. We have major chemistry personality wise, but few common interests.

 

This morning she said to me, "we are so different." I was recently offered a job in a different city and she said I should take it.... She said this several times, which made me feel that she didn't care.

 

Today when I drove her to work, I told her that she wouldn't be saying these things unless she meant them. I continued by saying that perhaps we were not meant to be and that it did not feel natural because she always said these things to me, and that I felt that she didn't want to be together with me.

 

She asked me if I was breaking up with her. I told her that I just felt that she didn't want to be with me. She said she liked me and that we get along well and that she is physically attracted to me and we laugh and have fun. She said that she wanted to be with me. 2 minutes later she said that she wasn't sure and she would need to think about it all. She asked me if I felt passion (I told her I didn't know) but obviously she just asked me this because she didn't know.... SHe asked me if we break up, will I still want to hang out with her? Should it all be about passion?

 

Essentially I dropped her off at her work, and she said she needed to think about what we talked about. She wanted to meet tonight. I drove off mad.

 

Then I texted her about 1 hour later asking if we could meet during her lunch break and talk. I haven't heard from her. I feel sad and hurt that she would be willing to let me go so easily. Today is gonna suck!

 

 

To me it seems you're playing games with her as well. You were the one that said maybe you two weren't meant to be and it didn't feel natural?!!! No wonder she was having 2nd thoughts!!!!! I would too if my partner said that to me!! No wonder too that she needed time to think about it.

You were the one saying you're sad and hurt that she would be willing to let you go so easily....yet you were the one playing games by saying those things and got pissed off when she didn't give you the answer you wanted.

By the sounds of it, you're spending too much time together, not enough space, and you're both playing games.

[ThingsAreComplicated]

both playing, no big feelings whatsoever.

 

continue to have fun if you both like or leave it at that. It's going nowhere like someone said before.

[The Way I Am]

Thanks "the way I am." He was never her boyfriend; she referred to him as her obsession (it was a virtual affair and they only met twice).

 

For the record, whether they actually dated doesn't matter much. She's very much still hung up on him.

 

She deleted him without me even asking or bringing it up.

I've deleted guys I was hung up on in an attempt to try to stop myself from continuing to contact them. It didn't keep me from contacting them again later. There's nothing stopping her from re-adding the guy.

 

I don't say those things just bring you down. For your sake, I'd like for this to be all good with no worries, but it seems like this girl is going to break your heart.

 

Right now, it's good and she says she loves you, but she's already established a pattern of drawing you in with affection then pushing you away and running to another guy. How long will it be before she yo-yo's back to telling you she hates you and wondering whether to go see the guy she's obsessed with?

 

I accept your decision to stay with her even though I don't think it's in your best interest. But if she pulls the same crap again, I think you need to ask yourself how many times you're going to allow her to hurt you and toss you aside.

 

Good luck.

[pteromom]

She asked me if I felt passion

 

This stuck out to me in your first post, and here's what I got out of it after reading the whole thread.

 

She cares about you, but doesn't feel the dizzy-headed butterflies she feels when thinking about this other guy. She is weighing her definition of "passion" against everything she has with you and is deciding which way she wants to go.

 

If you want to keep her, I think you need to work on giving her butterflies. Surprise her with a Big Gesture and sweep her off her feet. Talk to her casually about what she thinks is really romantic, what her fantasies are, etc. and put some effort into making it happen. I think if you can turn up the heat in your relationship, she won't continue to waffle.

[Johnny85]

Thanks all for your replies. Last night she sent me a text message in the evening saying that she was going out for a movie with her new roommate and that she would call me later.

 

So this "girl friend" of mine who is from the same part of the world as me texted me and we went out for a beer. I also invited my roommate. Two hours later she called me and asked if we should meet up. I told her yes but in x hours.

Time went by and I texted her saying I would be a bit late.

She said she was already sleeping and that "she doesnt sleep well next to me."

 

 

So I feel bad for what happened, especially knowing that I told her a time and I couldn't meet it. Also once I tell her that my friend who was there was a girl she will get jealous.

 

Perhaps I am overreacting but I feel as if though she prefers to spend time with just about anyone but me. I wish she preferred to go to the movies with me vs her roommate. And I wish she wanted me to sleep over there last night (even though I was running 30 min late). I just feel like all of her plans happen without me, and I really don't feel welcome anymore. One day she is up, and the next she is down.

 

Before prosecuting me for being 30 min late, I just got caught up in the moment and felt rude for leaving.

[Johnny85]

I don't even know how common it is for a couple to see each other but I feel as if though we are taking a step back in our relationship. I used to sleep over at her house every night. Now I hardly ever see her and when I do I feel as if though I'm her last option.

 

 

Am I overreacting? Isn't it important that she looks forward to spending time with me?

[Emilia]

you enjoy not knowing where you stand? you enjoy being broken up with multiple times? and enjoy being told "i don't love you. oh wait I do love you"

 

really?

 

 

She is a psycho and this 'relationship' is a massive head f**k

 

But then again OP I have noticed from your threads over the months that you do indeed enjoy being f***d around and treated badly.

[Johnny85]

It is a massive head****! When things are going great, it feels wonderful. But I feel like she is isolating herself from me and this week we saw each other on Monday and Tuesday (briefly where we played sport).

On Monday things were going really well. She was super bubbly. On Tuesday things were awkward. She was crying in my car saying she misses her home country, and doesn't want to stay here anymore.

 

Then yesterday when I called she said we would meet up today instead (after I told her I would be 30 min late).

 

 

I just feel sad because one day I feel my needs are being met only to be crushed the following day.... And perhaps I am overreacting? Perhaps I am too needy right now as a result of me feeling left out of her daily habits.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This seems pretty clear cut to me Johnny85 with what's going on.

 

The guy she wants to be with is this other guy, but he doesn't offer a relationship. She's in-love or deep like for the guy though which is blocking her emotions for you. However that's how she sees it...you see you're the guy she's supposed to want to be with, he's the guy she has all the sparks and emotions for.

 

I know you don't know about this dynamic by the things you are saying but I'll give you some behind the scenes info on it. Some guys are like drugs for women, they bring a lot to the table of what they want in terms of passion, intimacy and just chemistry. They know how to push their buttons, turn them on and ignite emotions inside of them. But these men aren't usually the type to settle down in one place, they constantly need to be moving around because they're not ready to settle down and into a relationship.

 

You seem like the other type of guy. Nice, genuine, straight-forward and clear-cut with your emotions and intentions. You offer stability and peace but not excitement and generally predictable and boring. You don't know how to be demanding and you're essentially easy and a push-over. So you add balance of her two extremes from what it sounds like to me.

 

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't be within 1000 yards of this woman. That's just not my bag and I've never been the other man or the nice guy, I've been an ******* and a jerk In the past but I've never had to deal with a woman telling me she wasn't sure how she felt except in one situation where the girl was 1 month out of a 8 year relationship with her ex who was older and manipulated her the entire time. I lost interest and stopped putting effort because it was just kind of a fling anyhow and I know how old emotions die hard, especially after her only long-term relationship, she was long-distance so I essentially fell off the map and let her go, she's back with the guy but it's good riddance for me because I'm not interested in being with someone who has those emotions for someone else, just isn't going to happen, even once.

 

And to me that's your choice. Are you backup plan and safety net for women? maybe you're not the type of guy who gives women butterflies and blows them away...but you should try to be more bold and courageous with what you want and need, you shouldn't just be tolerating so much in my book...I can't even imagine how you deal with all of that, that would be total BS to me personally and I'd be aw wtf is this?..I really don't know how you do it but If that's what you want...If this is the girl you really want to be with then let her drag you through a relationship where she's trying to feel more for you than she really does and bouncing back and forth...women do it all the time when they're scared of getting hurt and burned so I understand. But I'm not really sure what you get out of it, do you always want to feel second best? like a consolation prize?

 

I say get out this situation, get yourself together and find someone at least more on your level who is more transparent and straight-forward so you don't have to feel like guessing and figuring her out. You don't get this kind of a woman from what it sounds like to me and from how she's twisting you around it doesn't sound like you're much of a match for her just going along with it, you've really got to put your foot down...you can't just let a woman have her way with you, you're a man...you've got to in a way stake your claim and give some direction and clarity, If a woman doesn't respect and look up to you as a leader in a romance, she won't follow you.

[Emilia]

you've really got to put your foot down...you can't just let a woman have her way with you, you're a man...you've got to in a way stake your claim and give some direction and clarity, If a woman doesn't respect and look up to you as a leader in a romance, she won't follow you.

 

He will ignore your advice, I know his post history. Mark my words

[veggirl]

It is a massive head****!

 

Why do you want to be in a relationship that you describe this way?

 

When things are going great, it feels wonderful. But I feel like she is isolating herself from me and this week we saw each other on Monday and Tuesday (briefly where we played sport).

On Monday things were going really well. She was super bubbly. On Tuesday things were awkward. She was crying in my car saying she misses her home country, and doesn't want to stay here anymore.

 

I hope for your sake she leaves soon! Probably the only way you will separate yourself from her!

 

 

I just feel sad because one day I feel my needs are being met only to be crushed the following day.... And perhaps I am overreacting? Perhaps I am too needy right now as a result of me feeling left out of her daily habits.

 

You're not overreacting. What you are describing is a s.hitty relationship. As you said, your needs are not being met. Don't you want a girl who meets them? Geez dude. I mean you shouldn't need to see her daily but you shouldn't go from high to low in a day like you constantly are doing.

[Johnny85]

This seems pretty clear cut to me Johnny85 with what's going on.

 

The guy she wants to be with is this other guy, but he doesn't offer a relationship. She's in-love or deep like for the guy though which is blocking her emotions for you. However that's how she sees it...you see you're the guy she's supposed to want to be with, he's the guy she has all the sparks and emotions for.

 

I know you don't know about this dynamic by the things you are saying but I'll give you some behind the scenes info on it. Some guys are like drugs for women, they bring a lot to the table of what they want in terms of passion, intimacy and just chemistry. They know how to push their buttons, turn them on and ignite emotions inside of them. But these men aren't usually the type to settle down in one place, they constantly need to be moving around because they're not ready to settle down and into a relationship.

 

You seem like the other type of guy. Nice, genuine, straight-forward and clear-cut with your emotions and intentions. You offer stability and peace but not excitement and generally predictable and boring. You don't know how to be demanding and you're essentially easy and a push-over. So you add balance of her two extremes from what it sounds like to me.

 

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't be within 1000 yards of this woman. That's just not my bag and I've never been the other man or the nice guy, I've been an ******* and a jerk In the past but I've never had to deal with a woman telling me she wasn't sure how she felt except in one situation where the girl was 1 month out of a 8 year relationship with her ex who was older and manipulated her the entire time. I lost interest and stopped putting effort because it was just kind of a fling anyhow and I know how old emotions die hard, especially after her only long-term relationship, she was long-distance so I essentially fell off the map and let her go, she's back with the guy but it's good riddance for me because I'm not interested in being with someone who has those emotions for someone else, just isn't going to happen, even once.

 

And to me that's your choice. Are you backup plan and safety net for women? maybe you're not the type of guy who gives women butterflies and blows them away...but you should try to be more bold and courageous with what you want and need, you shouldn't just be tolerating so much in my book...I can't even imagine how you deal with all of that, that would be total BS to me personally and I'd be aw wtf is this?..I really don't know how you do it but If that's what you want...If this is the girl you really want to be with then let her drag you through a relationship where she's trying to feel more for you than she really does and bouncing back and forth...women do it all the time when they're scared of getting hurt and burned so I understand. But I'm not really sure what you get out of it, do you always want to feel second best? like a consolation prize?

 

I say get out this situation, get yourself together and find someone at least more on your level who is more transparent and straight-forward so you don't have to feel like guessing and figuring her out. You don't get this kind of a woman from what it sounds like to me and from how she's twisting you around it doesn't sound like you're much of a match for her just going along with it, you've really got to put your foot down...you can't just let a woman have her way with you, you're a man...you've got to in a way stake your claim and give some direction and clarity, If a woman doesn't respect and look up to you as a leader in a romance, she won't follow you.

 

Thank you very much for your input. Last week, as I was driving her to work, I told her that I felt she was not into me, and that she wouldn't be saying hurtful things to me, such as "we are so different" or "you should find someone who is more compatible with you" or "my ex boyfriend was the best boyfriend I have ever had, etc." I told her that she should find someone who she is more compatible with rather than be with someone she isn't into.

 

That night she told me she wasn't in love with me, that she didn't feel passion for me but perhaps she needed time to develop more feelings for me. She also said that she Couldn't see me being the father of her children.

 

A person doesn't just say these things unless she means them, right?

 

10 minutes later she wanted to have sex and I started crying. I don't care, that is how I felt and I couldn't hide it. She changed her mind; she wanted to be in a relationship with me.... I left that night even though she wanted me to stay.

 

3 days later we met again and spent the entire afternoon by the pool. Once again, I told her that if it didn't feel right, we can be lovers instead. She insisted upon being boyfriend and girlfriend. We were laughing, and kissing, touching the entire day. It felt very nice and genuine.

 

Fast forward 2 days and she told me she deleted the "other guy" from Skype and Facebook. She said that she didnt want to be with a guy who only used her for sex. What I wanted her to say is that she didn't want to be with him because she wanted to be with me.

that day she also said love you in a text on Facebook.

 

On Tuesday we met again and played sport. She told me she applied for work in my home country but said she didn't like the weather there and didn't want her kids to be from my country in a laughing way. She was very emotional, crying and feeling homesick.

 

Then we were suppose to meet last night but I was running late and she wanted to sleep.

 

I do not want to Be a pushover. I don't wish to be with a girl who doesn't cherish me. We all have our ups and downs but I dont like to feel like I am not good enough in her eyes. I feel like after what happened with this guy and her telling me she is not in love with me and that we lack passion, I should leave her alone. I also feel like I am more her lover than anything else. I feel rejected.

 

One thing though is that we have a connection and the same sense of humor. Different interests but we click. I just feel so emotionally attached and she continues to text me throughout the day and always wants to meet up at night.

I thing she has her doubt and doesn't really know what she wants.

 

I am sooo confused and wish to distance myself from her but at the same time I enjoy being us and teasing her and laughing, and holding each other. And the sex is great. And when we are together and she isn't tired, things are really nice and fun.

[The Way I Am]

Johnny, remember this thing I said about her displaying a pattern? She pulled the crap again. Now ask yourself how long you're willing to put up with this. What if you give it another year and still nothing is different?

 

The longer you spend time with her, the less time you have to find someone who'll treat you right and make you feel special all the time instead of the up and down treatment.

[Johnny85]

Last night she invited me out to a bar with some of her friends but I already had plans so we agreed that she would call me. I end up calling her at 9 and she says she is with her friend and to meet her at her house at 9:30. She calls me 10 min later saying to meet her at 10:00 at her house instead. I told her that it was disrespectful and she was taking my time for granted.

 

 

So we meet at 10 and she is acting very pissy with me, essentially falling asleep in front of me. She tells me she is too wild for me, that I don't know how to handle her bla bla bla. She said something in a joking manner, "if you do that I will break up with you." I told her, "why do you always want to break up with me and change your mind?" I told her we can just be lovers. She said she wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

Then she shows me a house she looked at and wants us to move in together next month. She wants us to live together. This morning she once again reiterated that she wants us to be in a relationship.

 

We had sex this morning and she and I wanted her to have an orgasm. So I was going down on her and she faked an orgasm!! Wth?

 

 

I suppose I am just venting; it is awfully frustrating, especially when I want to talk about it with her and she just avoids the topic. I asked her if she meant it last week when she said she wasn't in love with me and didn't feel passion. She said she didnt know and asked me what I thought? Hahahaha wtf?

[veggirl]

dude she is crazy and you are eating it up. now she is talking about moving in?! what is wrong with this chick!!! in one breath she doesn't like you, you can't handle her, blah blah. in the next she loves you and wants to look at houses?! are effin kidding me?

 

anyway, do what you want, you aren't taking ANY of our advice, so why keep posting for it... it doesn't like, strike a chord with you..the fact that everyone on here is telling you the same thing? you still just do the total opposite.

[Johnny85]

I did take advice and decided to communicate my needs to her.... She avoided the topic. I tried to get us to be friends with benefits, that way she won't feel trapped anymore.

[chphan]

Wow you guys are both crazy. Maybe you guys deserve to mess with each other head in this mess up thing you got going because 2 crazy people deserve to be together that way it save the rest of us from you two.

 

Better than having one of you guys moving onto a good sane person to mess up their head and life.

[Johnny85]

Dude:

 

She is into the other guy.

 

If i was in your shoes I would drop her right away with no explanation.

 

If there is a remote chance she might fall for you your best bet is to dump her ASAP and move on.

 

NEVER LOVE A WOMAN THAT DOES NOT LOVE YOU

 

She said "love u" in a text on fb to me a few days ago. She is all over the map and she changes her mind all the time.

 

Just now she sent me a message on Skype apologizing for her bad mood this morning and that she only shares her bad mood with her closest friends and family.

 

You are right, though, and I have tried to define our relationship but she seems very set on having a relationship.

[ThaWholigan]

I can't believe what I'm reading

 

I knew of a guy (brother's friend) in a similar (slightly worse) situation, and the girl was texting my little brother begging him to come over and sex her, while he was being like you are - trying to maintain something that isn't there.

 

If I were you, I would cut all ties with this girl and completely disappear. Completely. Your self-respect is subconsciously eroding every minute you spend in this relationship.

 

Not being mean at all, just think you need to understand this for your own dear sake.

[The Way I Am]

Stop offering the FWB thing. Frankly, it's kind of an insulting thing to say to your girlfriend.

 

If you think about this girl's history, there seems to be good reason why she wants a relationship. It has nothing to do with love for you.

 

She's still not over a guy who refused to have a relationship with her. She's got insecurity about relationships. You calm her fear that no man wants her. Without you, there's a chance she'll never have a relationship. She can rely on you for a boost when she feels lonely and insecure. In the times where she feels bad about herself, she pulls you in. Then once you've built her confidence back up, she treads all over you.

 

That or she just always wants what she doesn't have, which isn't any better.

 

I'm going to be very blunt. I've been trying to keep an open mind and not hurt your feelings, but this is a train wreck in progress.

 

 

THIS GIRL DOESN'T LOVE YOU.

 

 

I thought she had at least some feelings for you, but the more you describe, the more I think she IS just using you. At this point, I'm not even sure she likes you.

 

 

Just get out.

[veggirl]

Oh yeah and as a reminder it's only been 3 months that you've been dating her. first of all, wayyyyy too soon to move in PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't do that. second of all, this many issues so soon is red flag CENTRAL. third of all, it won't be painless to walk away after 3 months but lets be real...it's 3 months, not 3 years or 30 years....perspective OP, perspective..

 

and yeah quit offering her friends with benefits! geez. all this concern about her needs...what about yours?! you ask her questions and she avoids answering them. why let her get away with that? bogus!

Edited August 17, 2012 by veggirl

[Johnny85]

Update:

 

Last night we met at her house; she asked me if I loved her. I said "yes I do love you" and she said she loved me as a person but that she doesn't feel the passion that she had for her ex boyfriend. She said that perhaps it is because she is older and and passion comes and goes depending on how she is feeling.

She said that she was frustrated and she started crying.

 

Essentially I left for an errand and she called her mom who said, "live in the moment; you never know what is going to happen." so I arrived back when she said she still wanted a relationship and that she enjoyed our connection, how we hold each other, Etc etc....

 

At this point, I was quite frustrated.... I told her that I didn't feel like being her experiment, and that I am not her emotional tampon. I felt very frustrated because she called me over to her house to tell me that she isn't in love with me and that she doesn't feel passion for me. But she still wants a relationship? Really? So why did you say those things in the first place?

 

She said, "you and I are in a relationship." I told her that I felt second best, that she is just waiting for the next best guy to come along. I felt like she was just using me for company....

 

She wanted me to hold her, kiss her, and have sex and I told her that I didn't feel like I could be myself around her anymore. She was almost asleep and I kissed her cheek and told her that I wasn't angry with her and that I am glad that she was being honest and that she should always follow her heat; then I left....

 

I know some of the women on here said that it was wrong of me to propose FwB to her, but I felt lost and didn't really know how to react after she told me all of this.... She said she wanted more! Wtf? She is not in love with me and feels less passion than in her past, but she wants a relationship with me? So she wants me around but at the same time she makes sure that I know I am not good enough for her? Hmmmm!

 

That's it. She did it again, just when I was starting to feel good about us again.

[Emilia]

I know some of the women on here said that it was wrong of me to propose FwB to her, but I felt lost and didn't really know how to react after she told me all of this.... She said she wanted more! Wtf? She is not in love with me and feels less passion than in her past, but she wants a relationship with me? So she wants me around but at the same time she makes sure that I know I am not good enough for her? Hmmmm!

 

It was wrong because it's not what you want. You want a girlfriend.

 

This girl has no respect for you. She is going to get back with her ex boyfriend and dump you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're still being a pusssy johnny85...what the hell is it going to take for you to get mad man? at least show some passion or fire, destroy a flower or something for christ sakes!

 

She's blowing you off, telling you she doesn't have these romantic feelings...not just for you but for her own guilt and you sit there and coddle her like "don't worry little butterfly..i just want you to spread your wings and be happy"...do you not understand that this is what makes you the push-over? this constant acceptance and bending, this total lack of self-respect?

 

Tell her how you feel, show her your pain and how you feel...at least get something out of this man, stop letting her roll up into a ball and play the victim..she's telling you she's wild...which is not a good thing johnny! and you're just the safety net but you bore her, you're typical and you have no fire, uninspiriing...she doesn't have the emotions for you and you don't have what it takes to make her happy...she doesn't want anything else or less with you because you are this comfort zone, she'd bang a hot guy who gave her a lot of passion as a FWB or casual sex but not timid timmy (you!).

 

You need to really start getting your emotions off of your chest and expressing them at the very least or you're going to destroy yourself...at least learn to talk smack and say how you feel, stop pulling punches with this girl and worrying about losing her, you don't keep a girl with fear anyway...so you've got nothing to lose, let r rip with your emotions...get mad and hurt, say how you really feel for once...just using your voice that is!