paperboy48 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 My ex-wife of eight months now let me know she was seeing someone the other day. She said she has been seeing him for a couple months. I in my jealous state asked her if she was sleeping with him (of course she is sleeping with him, it has been over 2 months). I was of course told it is none of her my business. Our split was her decision. Do you think she was mad I asked her if she was sleeping with someone or do you think she got satisfaction for me asking her that qst?
Tree_Salmon Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 My ex-wife of eight months now let me know she was seeing someone the other day. She said she has been seeing him for a couple months. I in my jealous state asked her if she was sleeping with him (of course she is sleeping with him, it has been over 2 months). I was of course told it is none of her my business. Our split was her decision. Do you think she was mad I asked her if she was sleeping with someone or do you think she got satisfaction for me asking her that qst? Who cares what she thinks. You should have told her you hope shes having sex because you are. She deserves nothing from you. Why are you guys even speaking?
Author paperboy48 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 She deserves nothing from you. Why are you guys even speaking? we have kids together and a house we are trying to sell together. Would love to have no contact but.....
Tree_Salmon Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 we have kids together and a house we are trying to sell together. Would love to have no contact but..... You can keep the necessary amount of contact. But you also have to show her that you are completely not interested in anything she is doing. She now knows you care if shes having sex. It gave her some power. Worry about your kids, get rid of the house and ignore her emotions. Give her only the necessary responses.
Author paperboy48 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 She now knows you care if shes having sex. It gave her some power. Worry about your kids, get rid of the house and ignore her emotions. Give her only the necessary responses. I did that for two months, then I screwed it up and have now gone back to showing her my pain, misery and jealousy. uggh!
Art_Critic Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 we have kids together and a house we are trying to sell together. but you aren't having sex together.. she is giving that to someone else.. She probably wasn't mad but put you in your place.. because it wasn't any of your business...
Tree_Salmon Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I did that for two months, then I screwed it up and have now gone back to showing her my pain, misery and jealousy. uggh! You should be moving on with other women. Shes someone else's problem now. She has a much shorter shelf life than you. Go and live it up. Date some 20 year olds. 1
KatZee Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 My ex-wife of eight months now let me know she was seeing someone the other day. She said she has been seeing him for a couple months. I in my jealous state asked her if she was sleeping with him (of course she is sleeping with him, it has been over 2 months). I was of course told it is none of her my business. Our split was her decision. Do you think she was mad I asked her if she was sleeping with someone or do you think she got satisfaction for me asking her that qst? I told you word for word when you posted this a couple days ago that it wasn't your business... and that's exactly what she told you. Not sure why you felt the need to even ask that... yeah you have a house to sell and kids... so any conversation between you two should be about strictly that. Not sure why you'd inflict further pain on yourself.
Trimmer Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 we have kids together and a house we are trying to sell together. Would love to have no contact but..... OK, here's the deal, and I've been in your shoes: when you are talking about the house, you treat her like a business partner with whom you are working to get you both the best possible outcome. You play that character during those discussions. When you are talking about kid issues, you play your "parent" character, and again, you work together because you are both trying to get the best outcome for your kids. In either case, you do NOT play the "spouse" character. That's the character with whom you have No Contact. Her "spouse" is gone - accept that, and don't play your spouse character with her. Those are the characters who are concerned with dating and who's sleeping with who and all of that. Those are the characters that wallow and display their pain - to no good end. The spouse is gone, and injecting "spouse" dynamics into your parent or business relationships will diminish the outcomes of both of those. Put the "spouse" character away, and never deal with her on that level. Keep things as "parent" or "business partner." This will help you keep yourself emotionally organized and under control. 1
Wake_Me_Up Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Gets very tricky when you have kids because it's not like you can say 'well I can leave everything behind and move forward' because you have human life which is dependent on both parents regardless of age. I think things like asking if she's sleeping with the new dude is pretty natural, well at least to think if she is. You should focus more on living arrangements and what your kids are being exposed to. Sorry, I didn't read how old your kids are but obviously it'll be different if they're still young. Good luck
Author paperboy48 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 I told you word for word when you posted this a couple days ago that it wasn't your business... and that's exactly what she told you. Not sure why you felt the need to even ask that... yeah you have a house to sell and kids... so any conversation between you two should be about strictly that. Not sure why you'd inflict further pain on yourself. Have you ever been in love with someone who no longer wanted to be with you? OK, here's the deal, and I've been in your shoes: when you are talking about the house, you treat her like a business partner with whom you are working to get you both the best possible outcome. You play that character during those discussions. When you are talking about kid issues, you play your "parent" character, and again, you work together because you are both trying to get the best outcome for your kids. In either case, you do NOT play the "spouse" character. That's the character with whom you have No Contact. Her "spouse" is gone - accept that, and don't play your spouse character with her. Those are the characters who are concerned with dating and who's sleeping with who and all of that. Those are the characters that wallow and display their pain - to no good end. The spouse is gone, and injecting "spouse" dynamics into your parent or business relationships will diminish the outcomes of both of those. Put the "spouse" character away, and never deal with her on that level. Keep things as "parent" or "business partner." This will help you keep yourself emotionally organized and under control. Sounds like good advice, thanks Gets very tricky when you have kids because it's not like you can say 'well I can leave everything behind and move forward' because you have human life which is dependent on both parents regardless of age. I think things like asking if she's sleeping with the new dude is pretty natural, well at least to think if she is. You should focus more on living arrangements and what your kids are being exposed to. Sorry, I didn't read how old your kids are but obviously it'll be different if they're still young. Good luck Kids are 7 years old, after I initially heard she has been seeing someone, I did move into the kid mode, concerned of if they were being exposed to this guy
Ruby65 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 As a divorced mom, I have to say I was completely mortified that you would have this conversation with your ex wife. She is THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN. Man up. Put your kids FIRST. Who cares if you got your heart broken? When you create tension and hostility with your wife -- do you think your kids aren't affected by that? Like -- FOREVER? Like -- WHO THEY ARE and how they see relationships is being shaped by your interactions. Do you think they're not already incredibly traumatized by the divorce? Do you REALLY think they need to hear this sh*t from their dad???? Do you think you're HELPING create a loving atmosphere? You need to get yourself some therapy right away to work on your jealousy/hostility towards her because it is COMPLETELY inappropriate to be having those kinds of interactions with her at this point. For your sake -- but way way way more importantly, for your kid's sake.
KatZee Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Have you ever been in love with someone who no longer wanted to be with you? Yeah. I have. And when he left, I walked away and he never saw me again. Walked out of his house, gave him all his crap back and went immediately NC. He was deleted and blocked immediately on Facebook and e-Mail. I threw out and trashed all letters, cards, pictures, items. I keep myself as disconnected as I can be to him. Why would I torture myself by asking if he's seeing someone else? That's just stupid. He has no obligation to me so he coulda been out having sex the same night that I walked out... would it have been a betrayal to me? No. Would I have been hurt, sure, but that's why I didn't and won't ever ask... plus, I love him but does he love me? No. So it doesn't matter what I would have done, he wasn't going to come back. So why give off the jealous, and psycho ex vibe? I left with my dignity.
weallfalldown Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 You should be moving on with other women. Shes someone else's problem now. She has a much shorter shelf life than you. Go and live it up. Date some 20 year olds. think of this......she is someone else's prob......and i know my ex is one big problem.....one messed up mess.. 1
weallfalldown Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Yeah. I have. And when he left, I walked away and he never saw me again. Walked out of his house, gave him all his crap back and went immediately NC. He was deleted and blocked immediately on Facebook and e-Mail. I threw out and trashed all letters, cards, pictures, items. I keep myself as disconnected as I can be to him. Why would I torture myself by asking if he's seeing someone else? That's just stupid. He has no obligation to me so he coulda been out having sex the same night that I walked out... would it have been a betrayal to me? No. Would I have been hurt, sure, but that's why I didn't and won't ever ask... plus, I love him but does he love me? No. So it doesn't matter what I would have done, he wasn't going to come back. So why give off the jealous, and psycho ex vibe? I left with my dignity. that's cool and strong of you.....but not everyone's as strong minded.... am i digging at you?...nah i think your fit haha
Author paperboy48 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 (edited) As a divorced mom, I have to say I was completely mortified that you would have this conversation with your ex wife. She is THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN. Man up. Put your kids FIRST. Who cares if you got your heart broken? When you create tension and hostility with your wife -- do you think your kids aren't affected by that? Like -- FOREVER? Like -- WHO THEY ARE and how they see relationships is being shaped by your interactions. Do you think they're not already incredibly traumatized by the divorce? Do you REALLY think they need to hear this sh*t from their dad???? Do you think you're HELPING create a loving atmosphere? You need to get yourself some therapy right away to work on your jealousy/hostility towards her because it is COMPLETELY inappropriate to be having those kinds of interactions with her at this point. For your sake -- but way way way more importantly, for your kid's sake. I NEVER subject my kids to this situation. I am an excellent father. It is not as if I was on the phone with her (asking this question) while they were in front of me. They were out playing, no where near me. I have some jealousy issues which, I think are normal. I am only human. I still love my ex and she is now with someone else. Is it normal to be jealous in that situation, HELL yes! Do I regret asking her if she has slept with this guy, HELL yes! If I had waited one day befoe making the call to her (which I called her to find out what a guy was doing with my kids on vacation trip) I would have had calmed down and would not have asked the qst. Yeah. I have. And when he left, I walked away and he never saw me again. Walked out of his house, gave him all his crap back and went immediately NC. He was deleted and blocked immediately on Facebook and e-Mail. I threw out and trashed all letters, cards, pictures, items. I keep myself as disconnected as I can be to him. Why would I torture myself by asking if he's seeing someone else? That's just stupid. He has no obligation to me so he coulda been out having sex the same night that I walked out... would it have been a betrayal to me? No. Would I have been hurt, sure, but that's why I didn't and won't ever ask... plus, I love him but does he love me? No. So it doesn't matter what I would have done, he wasn't going to come back. So why give off the jealous, and psycho ex vibe? I left with my dignity. You are a very strong person, I commend you for that! Not everyone is as strong as you are. Its weird though you know, when this all first came down, I let her know how much it was bothering me and let her see all my emotions. Then for a good 2-3 months I put up a major front, I did not let her know of anything that bothered me, a few weeks a go something happened (which I do not know what it was) and I started letting her see my true emotions again of pain, sadness and jealousy. I need to and will get strong again and not show her any emotions other than logistical communication regarding kids and house. And I started seeing a psychiatrist yesterday. He seems like he can really help me as far as coping, plus my self-esteem has been ruined by the rejection received. I think he will help me with that issue as well. Edited August 8, 2012 by paperboy48
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