Question for the ladies

[SJC2008]

You're dating a man and intersted but he hasn't tried for sex yet. After how many dates of him not going for sex will you think he's not interested or lacks exp?

 

I tried to word it the best I can. I don't mind waiting and my ideal window would be 2-3 months for a serious relationship. I don't judge people by how soon they sleep with a man but I want to date a woman who wants to wait a little to get to know eachother.

 

Now from what I have read here (I know LS doesn't represent the real world entirely) it seems like if you don't try to sleep with a woman fast she'll either think you're not intrerested or lack exp. It seems like you have to get her in the sack quick or nobody else will. Most women on OKC put 3-5 dates and to my surprise a lot of them say they'll date someone just for the sex in the question section??

[iris219]

I prefer to wait. I don't have sex until I'm in a committed relationship, so 2-3 months would be fine with me if that's how long it took to figure out if we wanted to be exclusive. If we decide to be exclusive sooner, then we'll have sex sooner. There should be some physical intimacy before actual intercourse though.

 

I would be very annoyed with and turned off by a guy who tried to sleep with me immediately. That's just not my style. I respect guys who can control their urges enough to try and get to know me in order to figure out if they want a relationship with me.

[pteromom]

I think the big thing is to communicate. If a guy said "I really like you, but I prefer to wait before having sex.", then I know he's interested, and if I am interested too, I'll wait. Of course, he would need to show me he is interested in other ways.

 

But if you just don't try anything and don't explain why, I don't think it would take long for most women to give up and walk away.

[SJC2008]

I prefer women who would wait in the 2-3 month time frame. It's a good medium between won't jump in the sack with anyone and Mother Theresa lol. It seems like if a man waits a some woman are shocked and either thinks he's virgin or not interested.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think it's wonderful that you want to give yourself time to get to know a woman before having sex with her.

 

But I agree that communication is very important in this case. I'm sure I'm not unique in that most men I have dated and had relationships with wanted to have sex as soon as possible. So it's true that if a guy doesn't make moves early-ish, I tend to assume he's not that attracted or interested.

 

However, if he effectively communicated that he was interested and attracted, but he wanted to give himself time to get to know me before having sex, I would totally respect that, and enjoy the buildup and anticipation with him.

 

And I would definitely want plenty of affection, kissing, and making out along the way so we could make sure we have physical chemistry.

[SJC2008]

I think it's wonderful that you want to give yourself time to get to know a woman before having sex with her.

 

But I agree that communication is very important in this case. I'm sure I'm not unique in that most men I have dated and had relationships with wanted to have sex as soon as possible. So it's true that if a guy doesn't make moves early-ish, I tend to assume he's not that attracted or interested.

 

However, if he effectively communicated that he was interested and attracted, but he wanted to give himself time to get to know me before having sex, I would totally respect that, and enjoy the buildup and anticipation with him.

 

And I would definitely want plenty of affection, kissing, and making out along the way so we could make sure we have physical chemistry.

 

So would it be better to just make the move and have her say she wants to wait??

[Ruby Slippers]

So would it be better to just make the move and have her say she wants to wait??

I don't think so. I think it would be best to be true to yourself and what you want to do, then find a woman who respects you for who you are. If she doesn't respect you for who you are, why bother?

 

Like I said, I would totally respect a guy wanting to wait - but he would need to communicate to me that it was a positive choice and not a lack of interest or attraction.

[monkey00]

I think if a guy waits too long to push for it. The girl can get bored or loses interest. Personally I find the best approach is to invite a girl up to your place after a few dates and feel it out. The girls that genuinely like a guy and is able to be mature about it will communicate her boundaries when he pushes for it....this is the type of woman I'd prefer to go out with.

 

Considering dating being so rampant these days and with OLD, 3 months seem like an awful long time in this modern age. Seems appropriate for HS/college kids but for adults things move a little faster.

 

Like I said, I would totally respect a guy wanting to wait - but he would need to communicate to me that it was a positive choice and not a lack of interest or attraction.

 

But if you don't push for sex and neither does the guy, how would he know when is an appropriate time to communicate that he's interested but wants to wait? I feel like there's a small window of opportunity for this, and if you wait too long one party is going to get frustrated.

[Ruby Slippers]

The girls that genuinely like a guy and is able to be mature about it will communicate her boundaries when he pushes for it....this is the type of woman I'd prefer to go out with.

I think placing the responsibility for waiting entirely on the shoulders of the woman is unfair. If an attractive, sexy man who I think is relationship material comes on to me on the 5th date or whatever, I'm most likely going to be receptive - because I love sex and am not going to pretend I don't want him to manipulate his opinions of me. If he's not interested in me because I enjoy sex and don't reject his advances, even though I want them, then we're not a match.

 

But if you don't push for sex and neither does the guy, how would he know when is an appropriate time to communicate that he's interested but wants to wait? I feel like there's a small window of opportunity for this, and if you wait too long one party is going to get frustrated.

If I were a guy who wanted to wait, I'd bring it up once things got a little physical and steamy - not while they're steamy, but after the steaminess, the next time we spoke in non-steamy context.

 

The guy I'm seeing moves slower than me on some things. He's fairly conservative and didn't feel comfortable jumping right into certain things that most men do. We talked about it, and I like him enough to be patient on those points. And I respect him a lot for being clear and honest about what he wants, even though he departs from the mainstream. He knows he's more cautious than your average guy, and he accepts that about himself and communicates about it honestly.

 

Sometimes I do think maybe he's too conservative for me - but if that ends up being the case, he should have no problem finding a woman who is conservative like him. And I'm sure I can find a less conservative guy more on my wavelength. There's no use trying to force a match that isn't there, or contort yourself to make it happen. That will never last, so don't waste your effort and time. Be yourself.

[rocketman122]

I waited to let the ladies get their opinion out before posting my opinion out of common courtesy but here it is.

 

WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING!!? 2-3 months?

 

if youre young then fine or maybe you are co workers, but for 30+ no way. you want to be a gentleman great, im all for that but there's a limit. youre building it up way more than it should be.

 

if you are attracted to each other and have built up sexual tension then 2-3 months is overkill. im 40 and ive only had girl (47) who gave indications (never said so) that she wanted things at a slower pace but still It would have been no more than a month. and my limit is a month.

 

figure that were dating between 2-3 times per week and talking in between..its more than enough time to get to know each other and get intimate in bed. I dont do it on the first date. not that I cant or dont want to, but out of respect to her. but almost always 2/3 dates. a handful took a week. and the one above. I want something I go for it. and never have I been shot down. you have to read her signals. and they are very clear.

 

2-3 months..youre definitely doing something wrong. maybe low self esteem to make a move. maybe not alpha enough to dominate/lead. maybe unsure of yourself..who knows. most woman will walk away. some will want to "get to know you better" but on the whole, YOU SNOOZE YOU LOOSE.

[mesmerized]

I actually wouldn't doubt the man's interest just because of not initiating sex. I more doubt how sexual he is in general. I've actually very rarely have encountered this, men want to jump into sex pretty much from the very first date IME.

 

I agree with the above poster. 2 months is too long if you are seeing each other pretty often.

[fortyninethousand322]

I waited to let the ladies get their opinion out before posting my opinion out of common courtesy but here it is.

 

WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING!!? 2-3 months?

 

if youre young then fine or maybe you are co workers, but for 30+ no way. you want to be a gentleman great, im all for that but there's a limit. youre building it up way more than it should be.

 

if you are attracted to each other and have built up sexual tension then 2-3 months is overkill. im 40 and ive only had girl (47) who gave indications (never said so) that she wanted things at a slower pace but still It would have been no more than a month. and my limit is a month.

 

figure that were dating between 2-3 times per week and talking in between..its more than enough time to get to know each other and get intimate in bed. I dont do it on the first date. not that I cant or dont want to, but out of respect to her. but almost always 2/3 dates. a handful took a week. and the one above. I want something I go for it. and never have I been shot down. you have to read her signals. and they are very clear.

 

2-3 months..youre definitely doing something wrong. maybe low self esteem to make a move. maybe not alpha enough to dominate/lead. maybe unsure of yourself..who knows. most woman will walk away. some will want to "get to know you better" but on the whole, YOU SNOOZE YOU LOOSE.

 

2-3 months sounds pretty early to me, to be quite honest. I'd say 4-6 months at the earliest. You have to know the person pretty well before you decide to jump in the sack.

[bac]

You're dating a man and intersted but he hasn't tried for sex yet. After how many dates of him not going for sex will you think he's not interested or lacks exp?

 

I tried to word it the best I can. I don't mind waiting and my ideal window would be 2-3 months for a serious relationship. I don't judge people by how soon they sleep with a man but I want to date a woman who wants to wait a little to get to know eachother.

 

Now from what I have read here (I know LS doesn't represent the real world entirely) it seems like if you don't try to sleep with a woman fast she'll either think you're not intrerested or lack exp. It seems like you have to get her in the sack quick or nobody else will. Most women on OKC put 3-5 dates and to my surprise a lot of them say they'll date someone just for the sex in the question section??

 

Women are different(from sluts to virgins). It depends on her/your age, goals, values, experience and attitude. You just have to ask her opinion (directly or indirectly) on the topic. OKC is not a perfect place to look for a serious R.

[SJC2008]

Let's assume a 1 date per week pace for the sake of argument.

 

I have a really high sex drive trust me and if I was a dinosaur I'd be a lickalottapus! The thing is that people jump into bed so fast and one winds up getting hurt, usually the woman. What if I have sex with a girl on date 4 and a few dates later decide she's not for me? Now I have to stay with her because I had sex with her? Now I'm a jerk for hitting and quitting and she gets scolded here for having sex before being in an r?

 

My "views" may be tainted from the way I was raised but if a woman has sex with you on the 3rd date, basically the 3rd time you seen each other who else would she sleep with?

 

I just feel like I'm out of touch or something and from the things I've read here it seems like you gotta screw first and ask questions last.

[bac]

I prefer women who would wait in the 2-3 month time frame. It's a good medium between won't jump in the sack with anyone and Mother Theresa lol. It seems like if a man waits a some woman are shocked and either thinks he's virgin or not interested.

 

People (older than 22) typically have sex on the 1-5th date on OKC.

Women would think you have a big problem with your sexual performance (small p...s, premature ejaculation, ED, gay, or smth else) if you do not want sex.

[Ruby Slippers]

The thing is that people jump into bed so fast and one winds up getting hurt, usually the woman. What if I have sex with a girl on date 4 and a few dates later decide she's not for me? Now I have to stay with her because I had sex with her? Now I'm a jerk for hitting and quitting and she gets scolded here for having sex before being in an r?

Like I said, I really respect this point of view. The kind of guy I want has integrity, thinks these matters through, and is stronger than his animal impulses. Am I in the minority for being able to recognize character and control my own insecurities and impulses? Possibly. But don't you want to be with someone who's on the same page as you on these matters? I know I do. Anything else wouldn't last too long.

 

I just feel like I'm out of touch or something and from the things I've read here it seems like you gotta screw first and ask questions last.

Yeah, I felt kind of like that about multi-dating. Several of my friends were strongly recommending that I NOT discontinue seeing others while dating this one guy I liked. I felt a certain amount of pressure to go along with the crowd. But I didn't. Forget the crowd. They are often wrong.

[mesmerized]

Let's assume a 1 date per week pace for the sake of argument.

 

I have a really high sex drive trust me and if I was a dinosaur I'd be a lickalottapus! The thing is that people jump into bed so fast and one winds up getting hurt, usually the woman. What if I have sex with a girl on date 4 and a few dates later decide she's not for me? Now I have to stay with her because I had sex with her? Now I'm a jerk for hitting and quitting and she gets scolded here for having sex before being in an r?

 

My "views" may be tainted from the way I was raised but if a woman has sex with you on the 3rd date, basically the 3rd time you seen each other who else would she sleep with?

 

I just feel like I'm out of touch or something and from the things I've read here it seems like you gotta screw first and ask questions last.

 

Honestly, I would say exactly those things to the girls you're dating. If a man told me that, I'd actually respect him more. It's important that your reasons are known so she doesn't doubt you have some other kind of issue. Good luck

[SJC2008]

My "views" may be tainted from the way I was raised but if a woman has sex with you on the 3rd date, basically the 3rd time you seen each other who else would she sleep with?

 

Being PC I should if followed that with she may think the same thing of me.

 

Anyway, it's like a catch 22 IMO. Women feel pressured to have sex early and men are afraid if they don't try to have sex fast the woman will get turned off or wonder what's wrong with him.

[Titania22]

It would depend on how he reacts, when I go for the sex. I wouldn't lose interest in a guy I was dating for not making the moves, in fact I would probably get more interested in him. Of course if I made the moves and he rejected me, without some sort of explanation, I would feel hurt and move on.

[NoMagicBullet]

Now from what I have read here (I know LS doesn't represent the real world entirely) it seems like if you don't try to sleep with a woman fast she'll either think you're not intrerested or lack exp. It seems like you have to get her in the sack quick or nobody else will. Most women on OKC put 3-5 dates and to my surprise a lot of them say they'll date someone just for the sex in the question section??

 

Yes, do keep in mind that LS doesn't represent the entire real world, as the parts of it that have happy dates and relationships usually don't post here. Also, keep in mind that a lot of people on a free site like OKC are looking for hookups, FWB, and casual sex.

 

Don't focus on trying to sleep with the woman like it's some crazy race. Ignore that kind of advice.

 

You like a woman? You're attracted? Start with physical affection: hand holding, cuddling, kissing, etc. If you want to hold off on having sex until you get to know her better, most women will appreciate you telling them directly and will probably find that agreeable as long as the physical affection continues. As things progress, gradually increases to long makeout sessions, feeling each other up, etc. Like others have posted, communication is key, so talking about sex and how you both feel about it before doing it is the best way to make sure you're both comfortable and to reaffirm that interest and attraction.

 

Don't try to lock all that into a rigid timetable -- the point is to be preset in the moment and enjoy the process of getting to know another person, including physically. Take your time and enjoy it -- you don't have to rush.

[monkey00]

I think placing the responsibility for waiting entirely on the shoulders of the woman is unfair. If an attractive, sexy man who I think is relationship material comes on to me on the 5th date or whatever, I'm most likely going to be receptive - because I love sex and am not going to pretend I don't want him to manipulate his opinions of me. If he's not interested in me because I enjoy sex and don't reject his advances, even though I want them, then we're not a match.

 

I think you might've misread what I was saying. I meant when a guy pushes for sex after a few dates, and if the girl is not ready she may reject his offer to go up to his place...or go up to his place but reject his advance for sex but will still continue dating him until after x amount of dates she feels the time is right for sex. Her ability to communicate in that respect when he tries to get into her pants is what I respect about a mature interested women.

 

I ran into a college buddy of mine last month and we discussed about this. When you're younger, women want to wait months to have sex with a guy. But older women don't have this problem. It's more common to do it after a few dates and if she isn't ready yet, she will communicate.

 

Also with respect to having sex after a few dates, some people (or both genders) want to know if the sex is good also with the person early on. Not everyone wants to wait months to find out whether the sex is good or bad.

[Emilia]

Let's assume a 1 date per week pace for the sake of argument.

 

I have a really high sex drive trust me and if I was a dinosaur I'd be a lickalottapus! The thing is that people jump into bed so fast and one winds up getting hurt, usually the woman.

 

Thanks. Patronising much? What, you are a knight in shining armour now?

 

What if I have sex with a girl on date 4 and a few dates later decide she's not for me? Now I have to stay with her because I had sex with her? Now I'm a jerk for hitting and quitting and she gets scolded here for having sex before being in an r?

 

I smell BS. Don't hide behind women, we are big girls now, we can make our own decisions. If you want to wait, own it. Don't say you are sacrificing your natural dating style and relationship preferences for someone else. Communicate what you want, make sure you don't use people. It's that simple. I lost interest in guys a number of times after we had sex, it happens.

 

My "views" may be tainted from the way I was raised but if a woman has sex with you on the 3rd date, basically the 3rd time you seen each other who else would she sleep with?

 

Aha! We are getting to the real issue now. If you are conservative then date conservative women, simple.

 

I just feel like I'm out of touch or something and from the things I've read here it seems like you gotta screw first and ask questions last.

 

To me sexual compatibility is just as important as any other. My last relationship was with someone who preferred to wait and I felt I invested too long in someone with whom I was not compatible with sexually. Waiting turned out to be a complete waste of time to me personally and I don't recommend it. There are certain things you only learn about the other person (like their take on intimacy and ultimately, how selfish they are) when you are physically involved in the deepest level.

[Emilia]

 

Also with respect to having sex after a few dates, some people (or both genders) want to know if the sex is good also with the person early on. Not everyone wants to wait months to find out whether the sex is good or bad.

 

Yes. Not so much good or bad as in good or bad technique but whether there is something that freaks you out about the other person. My last ex creeped me out in bed and I wish I had found out about that sooner.

[SJC2008]

Thanks. Patronising much? What, you are a knight in shining armour now?

 

 

 

I smell BS. Don't hide behind women, we are big girls now, we can make our own decisions. If you want to wait, own it. Don't say you are sacrificing your natural dating style and relationship preferences for someone else. Communicate what you want, make sure you don't use people. It's that simple. I lost interest in guys a number of times after we had sex, it happens.

 

 

 

Aha! We are getting to the real issue now. If you are conservative then date conservative women, simple.

 

 

 

To me sexual compatibility is just as important as any other. My last relationship was with someone who preferred to wait and I felt I invested too long in someone with whom I was not compatible with sexually. Waiting turned out to be a complete waste of time to me personally and I don't recommend it. There are certain things you only learn about the other person (like their take on intimacy and ultimately, how selfish they are) when you are physically involved in the deepest level.

 

I've been open about my lack of exp on this forum to the point of embarrasment and am sick of getting my words spun on me. If you thinkg I'm patronizing and a knight in shining armor you've got another thing comming and you can go eff your self for all I care. There are more men disappearing after sex threads than vice versa so I won't take back anything I said regardless of the way I worded it.

 

So far with the exception of one poster, the consensus is if you don't try to bed her sooner rather than later you have to EXPLAIN yourself which you shouldn't, pretty much proving my point that if you don't try to bed some women quick she'll think you don't like her or are a virgin or whatever. Basically, put it in her before someone else does.

[Emilia]

I've been open about my lack of exp on this forum to the point of embarrasment and am sick of getting my words spun on me. If you thinkg I'm patronizing and a knight in shining armor you've got another thing comming and you can go eff your self for all I care. There are more men disappearing after sex threads than vice versa so I won't take back anything I said regardless of the way I worded it.

 

My point was that you should own up to what is holding you back and not hide behind other people's issues. Why does it matter what other men do? If you are not honest, you won't have an honest relationship. Your inexperience needn't hold you back.

 

So far with the exception of one poster, the consensus is if you don't try to bed her sooner rather than later you have to EXPLAIN yourself which you shouldn't, pretty much proving my point that if you don't try to bed some women quick she'll think you don't like her or are a virgin or whatever. Basically, put it in her before someone else does.

 

Conservative girls won't think that way