Occu3.14'd Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 One of my other threads has the details, but we basically broke up because she needed to find herself and couldn't depend on me to be happy in life. I've read countless threads on here about this situation, but I know this is different. Many of you will tell me that she just doesn't want to be with ME. But I know that this isn't the case at all. I know what kind of person she is, and I know that there is no one else. I would literally bet my life on it. After she ended it, we didn't talk for over two weeks. I was miserable, and of course eventually broke down and contacted her. We agreed to meet, because I had a bunch of questions. I asked her straight out whether or not I got the wrong impression with our relationship. Did I see it as more than what she did? Was I just a crutch or a fling? He response was a definite "no." She did feel that this was amazing, and that I was the most wonderful person she ever met. But none of that mattered, because she felt more confused than ever. She's already had three therapy sessions. She told me that she hoped that therapy would fix her in a few weeks (like taking medicine would a cold), and that we could move on like things were. But she doesn't feel any better. She still feels miserable and lost in life. I also know that this breakup is killing her. She told me that she wanted to contact me so many times, but couldn't, because it wouldn't be fair to me. She doesn't want to string me along, because she has no idea how she'll feel when she finally figures things out. I asked her if she loved me, to which she said she would rather not say. I said she at least owed me that, and she finally told me she in fact did. When we were leaving, I told her that it would kill me to know that I was just a little blip on her life's radar. She told me with conviction that I AM a very important part of her life. So herein lies the problem. I know that she needs a lot of counseling to fix herself. I also know that there very well may be no spot for me in her life when she does. But I also know that when all is said and done, we could end up together. So how do I move on, knowing that there is a chance (if there weren't, I AM positive she would have said so). How do I convince myself that it's over, when I know it really might not be? I can't see how to trick my mind into thinking this way. But I'll be honest, the way I've felt for the past month is worse than anything in my life. I can't go on like this for months and months, or worse - years. But I know she isn't going to fix herself in a few weeks. The uncertainty of the situation is the real killer.
weallfalldown Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 One of my other threads has the details' date=' but we basically broke up because she needed to find herself and couldn't depend on me to be happy in life. I've read countless threads on here about this situation, but I know this is different. Many of you will tell me that she just doesn't want to be with ME. But I know that this isn't the case at all. I know what kind of person she is, and I know that there is no one else. [b']I would literally bet my life on it.[/b] After she ended it, we didn't talk for over two weeks. I was miserable, and of course eventually broke down and contacted her. We agreed to meet, because I had a bunch of questions. I asked her straight out whether or not I got the wrong impression with our relationship. Did I see it as more than what she did? Was I just a crutch or a fling? He response was a definite "no." She did feel that this was amazing, and that I was the most wonderful person she ever met. But none of that mattered, because she felt more confused than ever. She's already had three therapy sessions. She told me that she hoped that therapy would fix her in a few weeks (like taking medicine would a cold), and that we could move on like things were. But she doesn't feel any better. She still feels miserable and lost in life. I also know that this breakup is killing her. She told me that she wanted to contact me so many times, but couldn't, because it wouldn't be fair to me. She doesn't want to string me along, because she has no idea how she'll feel when she finally figures things out. I asked her if she loved me, to which she said she would rather not say. I said she at least owed me that, and she finally told me she in fact did. When we were leaving, I told her that it would kill me to know that I was just a little blip on her life's radar. She told me with conviction that I AM a very important part of her life. So herein lies the problem. I know that she needs a lot of counseling to fix herself. I also know that there very well may be no spot for me in her life when she does. But I also know that when all is said and done, we could end up together. So how do I move on, knowing that there is a chance (if there weren't, I AM positive she would have said so). How do I convince myself that it's over, when I know it really might not be? I can't see how to trick my mind into thinking this way. But I'll be honest, the way I've felt for the past month is worse than anything in my life. I can't go on like this for months and months, or worse - years. But I know she isn't going to fix herself in a few weeks. The uncertainty of the situation is the real killer. i wouldn't............come on dude
Author Occu3.14'd Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 i wouldn't............come on dude I'm not blinded by love here. I really would make that bet. That's how confident I am.
weallfalldown Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 she said she didn't want to string you along?....people don't say that if their interested dude.....they say "give me a little space" or i hope so....... come on mate...........look i hope it works out, but we all try to dillude ourselves sometimes
weallfalldown Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 i've heard all the harsh **** under the sun today from my ex........but sometimes i still feel dilluded......we all need to get a grip....hurts but true
Author Occu3.14'd Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 she said she didn't want to string you along?....people don't say that if their interested dude.....they say "give me a little space" or i hope so....... come on mate...........look i hope it works out, but we all try to dillude ourselves sometimes There really is more to her situation than I'd feel comfortable disclosing, but I know there is no possibility of another guy. If we concede that point, what do I do in my situation?
YorickBrown Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 One of my other threads has the details' date=' but we basically broke up because she needed to find herself and couldn't depend on me to be happy in life[/i']. I've read countless threads on here about this situation, but I know this is different. Many of you will tell me that she just doesn't want to be with ME. But I know that this isn't the case at all. I know what kind of person she is, and I know that there is no one else. I would literally bet my life on it. ........... ........... So how do I move on, knowing that there is a chance (if there weren't, I AM positive she would have said so). How do I convince myself that it's over, when I know it really might not be? I can't see how to trick my mind into thinking this way. But I'll be honest, the way I've felt for the past month is worse than anything in my life. I can't go on like this for months and months, or worse - years. But I know she isn't going to fix herself in a few weeks. The uncertainty of the situation is the real killer. Is this the other thread you were talking about: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/339118-ridiculous-associations-everything-normal First of all, I can't recall you ever mentioning going on NC or No Contact, so if you haven't yet, or you've broken it already ---repeatedly....then do NC NOW (again)!!! It doesnt help you, and it doesnt help her if you continuosly get in touch with one another. Second, you mentioned your ex is in therapy of some sort. Well, obviously, if you care for her (and yourself)...you'll just to give her time and space and for it to take its course. Unless you want to get into therapy yourself. Finally, as for HOPE...well, the only HOPE you should be holding on tight to right now...is a stripper named Hope to take your mind off your ex....I bet they're cheaper than therapy! and they're much easier to get rid of!
weallfalldown Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 well i'm sarting to feel that if my ex wanted me back i#d prob say **** off now, as i've had too much pain now.............i'd ignore her for a while and see if she comes running, but if there's been someone else in the interim...i'd say no way, but we're all diff, and some are not so strong......
Author Occu3.14'd Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 Is this the other thread you were talking about: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/339118-ridiculous-associations-everything-normal First of all, I can't recall you ever mentioning going on NC or No Contact, so if you haven't yet, or you've broken it already ---repeatedly....then do NC NOW (again)!!! It doesnt help you, and it doesnt help her if you continuosly get in touch with one another. Second, you mentioned your ex is in therapy of some sort. Well, obviously, if you care for her (and yourself)...you'll just to give her time and space and for it to take its course. Unless you want to get into therapy yourself. Finally, as for HOPE...well, the only HOPE you should be holding on tight to right now...is a stripper named Hope to take your mind off your ex....I bet they're cheaper than therapy! and they're much easier to get rid of! We never officially said that we are instituting NC. It just seemed like the logical conclusion to our relationship. We acknowledge that "friends" is impossible. She can't and won't contact me, because it will only further her codependency. And I can't contact her, because I know it will be more of the same until she fixes herself. If she were to contact me in the future, there's really only two possible outcomes. Either she wants to get back together, or she realizes that I am not for her. But one way or another, I want to know. And this is the hard part. How long do I wait? There's no time frame on her emotional wellbeing, but I know there isn't a quick fix. If I got a text from her tomorrow, I'd already know the answer before reading it. But I feel like the longer this goes on, the more I'll hang on to hope.
weallfalldown Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 just do what you feels best.......don't listen to any of us, as we're all sad singletons...hahahhaha
Ruby65 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I asked her if she loved me, to which she said she would rather not say. I said she at least owed me that, and she finally told me she in fact did. This means "I love you but I'm not in love with you." For whatever reasons, her feelings have changed. If she were actually in love with you, nothing would keep her away.... not rebound, not life circumstances, nothing. JMO, but you're in denial.
weallfalldown Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 be strong my friend.........................................................
Floored Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 But none of that mattered, because she felt more confused than ever. She's already had three therapy sessions. She told me that she hoped that therapy would fix her in a few weeks (like taking medicine would a cold), and that we could move on like things were. But she doesn't feel any better. She still feels miserable and lost in life. It's funny, but I think you answered your own question here. Medicine doesn't fix a cold, it only alleviates the discomfort of having a cold; only time will fix a cold, coming from healing provided inside the body. Same with the both of you, the therapy can help sort through some issues and help shed light on others, but the real 'fixing' will happen within her own mind, and only in time will that take effect. And don't think I'm just tooting from a soapbox of knowing it all; I sometimes wish (usually every fourth second) my ex would come around too, because I know her better than anyone and I know what will make her laugh when the world is dumping her down, and I know the exact minute to show up with a dish of ice cream when she's at the end of her rope. Sometimes, that's just not enough. Sometimes, you just have to let go if there's to be any possibility of a future at all. That's the worst part of falling out of love with someone, because you know that reconciling that will be an enormous mountain compared to the speed bump of fixing things while you're still in love. The problem is, the speed bump is on a road going the wrong direction- that's why you two are where you are. It's easy to fix now, but then you're farther from your goal in the end. I'm still in love with mine, I thought I was moving away gradually but it's just as fresh and painful as ever; I feel like the moment I let go, if she wants me back, I will want nothing to do with her. It's why it's taking me so long to just finally give up; I'm moving on, but I'm stubbornly holding out for her when all logic, reason, friends and family say good riddance. That's the worst and scariest part of breaking up- being forced to fall out of love with the person that you want to be with forever.
Car10e Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 My ex bf keeps telling everyone who has found out we split, that we're not good for each other at the moment. He has told my brother that he still loves and cares for me, yet he's been gong out with a younger girl. I know he is confused with himself, because he told me he feels like he's going through some kind of mid-life crisis. Although it bothers me and I hate him so much for putting me through this, I find myself hoping he will realize what he let go of. Whether he tries to come back or not, I hope one day he sees how much pain it caused me. In the mean time, I'm letting myself heal. It's hard most of the time, but once he see's that I can move on without him, he will see the girl that he first fell in love with.
heartofthematter Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 My ex-boyfriend had a lot of emotional problems as well. he'd go one moment, "I love you don't ever leave me" to "I hate you i never loved you get away from me." I knew he loved me, but it was hard putting it up with a lot and it just comes down to them. To me she doesn't seem to be ready to be in a relationship. I know we all want to sit there and support our loved ones when they're not well and confused but we're not really the ones to do it sometimes. Sometimes we just need the professional to handle this and we need to step back and let them focus on themselves. Let her focus on herself and it's cliche but if two people are meant to be, they will find a way back. I used that to get me through the breakups and though there was slight hope for the future, you must understand that this would best happen by chance. Not by you holding on to them and all your memories and never letting go but starting over again. Move on and if it really was meant to be, you'll be together again. If not, we gotta just handle it.
Author Occu3.14'd Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 (edited) Floored, That was a great response. I appreciate that. I almost envy a lot of the posters here that find out their ex cheated, or that their ex got GIGS. At least in those cases, you'd have some sort of closure. But then I think about it, and part of me is glad that isn't the case. There is one thread on here that really resonates with me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/327678-great-relationship-but-now-she-needs-space It's a long one, but the situation is extremely similar to mine. Hello, everyone I'm new here & I look forward to being a part of this community & getting some feedback. So here is my story. I am 31 as of may 29th & she just turned 28. My GF & I have been together for almost 3 years(would have been 3 years in june) & have been living together for about 2.5 years of it. We were about to move into a beautiful new place together on June 1st but last friday she broke down and told me that she need time to be with herself & "figure things out". She re-iterated over and over that our relationship was/is great & that she loves me but she needs to do this for herself right now. She definitely has inadequacy issues & self esteem issues from teenage trauma & being in a psychologically abusive 4 year relationship right before our relationship(1-2 months in between relationships). She says that I have helped her grow into the person she is now but relies to much on me for self validation & confidence & that she needs to be on her own to figure those things out or else she can't give another person 100% of herself because she feels too dependent on the relationship. Our relationship was great, we were/are incredibly supportive of each other, loving, intimate & attracted to one another. That is not to say we didn't have our problems & arguments but overall we were in a very loving relationship. I planned on marrying this girl & truly feel like she is "the one" if there is such a thing. She is also one of the most loyal, straight forward & honest people I know so when she says it's not about being with some one else I do believe her. She also says things like "I don't know why I'm doing this but I feel I have to" so she seems truly apprehensive about loosing the relationship or friendship but I do not want to be just her friend, we are too romantically interconnected for me to be able to stomach that. & to top off the whole thing 2 days after she told me she went & talked to one of her friends who told her she was stupid for letting me go & that what have is really special & started being REALLY intimate with me and we had 3 days of being amazingly close to one another but then still ultimately feels like she has to go through with this. I'm sure that's a little jumbled & that I've left out other important details but that is the overall gist of the situation. I'm madly in love her but I ultimately want the best for us. What do you all think? One post in particular really hit home with me: Firstly welcome. I think its important that you give her the space she requires. I know how hard that is to do, but in this situation I think its crucial you stay strong and give her the space needed. The problem here is that she didn't come to terms with her last relationship. It was only a 1-2 month gap between meeting you and then 6 months you are living together. That is just way too fast. Especially for someone as vulnerable a state as your ex was. Being in an abusive relationship for that length of time can be soul destroying for a person. They are left emotionally battered, confused with a million questions going through their head. She would have felt like a person stepping off a high speed twisty rollercoaster that was going super fast. In hindsight the best thing she could have done is deal with the issues and aftermath of that abusive relationship. Learnt to rebuild herself again (self worth/self confidence/self belief/Rid insecurities. Learn to love herself again. Learn to turn things truly inwards and face her demons. She didn't do that. She filled a HUGE emotional gap within her the wrong way. Instead of confronting, understanding and resolving why she allowed herself be treated the way she was (and issues in her life before her last ex), she turned to you to make her happy. It seems you did an awesome job, because of the fact she stayed as long as she did. The problem though when you avoid, deny and/or supress feelings that are within; you are only delaying the inevitable. There is no person on earth that can keep us happy, if we are not truly happy in ourselves. Feelings are like weeds. They run wild if you don't deal with them in the right way. As hard as it is you have to give her all the space she needs. I have a feeling if you stay away until she comes back, then you guys will get back together. Sometimes in a relationship we have to do the most unselfish things to keep a dream alive. There will be times we want to quit. Times we think we can't go on. Times when we are selfish and feel sorry for ourselves. You have been a great guy till now. Worked miracles. Now is a huge test for you. There is a chance she may never come back. And when you truly love someone that is a scary thought. Believe me when I (and everyone on this forum) tell you begging, pleading, manipulating will not get her to come back. You need to trust in god, yourself, whatever and let her go. If she comes back she is yours forever. If not then its never meant to be. What is for you won't pass you by. Every relationship faces a massive test at some point. Most can't pass this test. The special one's is where both partners give 50/50. Both are in a great place in their lives. At times you will need to lean on your partner and she will lean on you. It's the strength you both show in these scenarios that will determine if its meant to be or not. She is asking u to be strong for her now. That is no hard cause its a breakup in essence and that is scary. if she doesn't come back it will be gut wrenching but at least you can say you behaved with class and dignity. You gave her your best shot. That is all you can ask of yourself right now. If you love her let her go...If she is the one she will be back...Best of luck mate... Maybe it's because it still gives me hope. Edited August 6, 2012 by Occu3.14'd 1
Miss Vee Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 OP I totally get where you're coming from - there are a lot of similarities here with my breakup. It's not about there being problems in the relationship or a lack of love, as much as it is about the other person needing to sort themselves out first. I'm dealing with it by firstly acknowledging that it's going to take time for him to get on top of his issues. Like your girl, I believed it would take a few weeks...maybe a few months tops to deal with it (naive I know!) and then we'd resume our lives...in our case we'd already bought a house together and were actively planning our lives together. so now that I've woken up to the reality of the situation, the only way forward is to give yourself a timeframe: 1 year, 2...whatever makes sense to you. Accept that you will not get back together with this person within this time (this is the tough bit) and then think about the kind of person you'd like to be when they come back - what personal growth, life experiences would you have liked to have had that will enrich you as a person and thus the relationship. Then, work on doing that. For me, I"ve always wanted to do another Masters degree in Europe and travel so that's what I'm focussing on. That way, when we get back together (notice, i said 'when' not 'if' we'll both be coming back to better versions of the people we once loved. This method has allowed me to move on with my life without him, without needing to give up on the future we planned together. The upside is that if life takes me on another path, maybe with someone else (?) then i wont have wasted any bit of my life pining after him....so that's my coping strategy
Ruby65 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Floored, That was a great response. I appreciate that. I almost envy a lot of the posters here that find out their ex cheated, or that their ex got GIGS. At least in those cases, you'd have some sort of closure. But then I think about it, and part of me is glad that isn't the case. There is one thread on here that really resonates with me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/327678-great-relationship-but-now-she-needs-space It's a long one, but the situation is extremely similar to mine. One post in particular really hit home with me: Maybe it's because it still gives me hope. OP.... did you read that ENTIRE thread? There was no reconciliation at the end..... that poster came to accept that the relationship really WAS over and had started to move on.
Author Occu3.14'd Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 OP.... did you read that ENTIRE thread? There was no reconciliation at the end..... that poster came to accept that the relationship really WAS over and had started to move on. Yeah I read it. He was able to move on in a little over two months. I'm at the one month mark, and I can't imagine being over her a month from now. I'm trying, but I feel like this is going to take a long time.
Author Occu3.14'd Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 This method has allowed me to move on with my life without him, without needing to give up on the future we planned together. The upside is that if life takes me on another path, maybe with someone else (?) then i wont have wasted any bit of my life pining after him....so that's my coping strategy But what about the downside? What if his path takes him to someone else? Then you will have wasted a year, or maybe even two, waiting. This is my fear in my situation. But the problem for me is figuring out how to not wait.
Miss Vee Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Perhaps I didn't express myself clearly: I am not sitting around waiting for him - that's why I made specific mention of the possibility that life may take me on another path and I may eventually meet someone else. Hoping that life will eventually bring you back together with someone you love, both of you enriched by the experiences you've enjoyed in the past is what I'm talking about. What if his path does take him to someone else and me to someone else? That does not definitely say anything about what may happen beyond that. To the extent that relationships teach you some more about yourself, it may actually be a good thing. However, even if we never reconcile spending some time out of a relationship focusingon the me I want to be could never be a waste.
Jono85 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 This means "I love you but I'm not in love with you." For whatever reasons, her feelings have changed. If she were actually in love with you, nothing would keep her away.... not rebound, not life circumstances, nothing. JMO, but you're in denial. very serious denial indeed OP. are you young? you must be. let me guess this is your first love? everything you're sure about in the OP and everything she told you, is pretty much standard for girls that simply aren't in love anymore and want to eventually date other guys. i'm very sorry to say. that being said, this realization won't necessarily help u get over her any quicker. we all just need a lot of time, and NC during that time. i'm 3 weeks NC today. i still cry every now and then, as she was my best friend and partner, and i didn't really see it coming. all we can do is try our best to move on, without ever trying to contact them, and if they contact us, great, if not, we're well on our way to move on. if my ex were to contact me tmrw and want things again, i wouldn't be able to take her back like that anymore. she's really going to have to beg/fight to get me back. i've been through way too much pain and i'm way too prideful. plus i feel there hasn't been enough time; if she wanted to get back tmrw it would most likely be b/c she's really lonely and misses me, and not b/c she thinks i'm right for her.
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