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Parenting time/custody issues- It was never supposed to be this way..

Jorla990311

By Jorla990311
in Separation and Divorce

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Jorla990311 New Member

Jorla990311

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My ex and I split 2 years ago, divorce was final this Feb. *We have 2 kids, 12 & 8. *We were able to remain close. *Even joking and wishing each other happy bday. *So we decided to not get courts involved and make decisions together...big mistake. *We have shared physical and legal custody. *There is no support order. *He makes 80K$ year and I make 52K$. *

We decided to do week on week off custody of our kids. *It was working ok up until about March, when he began traveling sporadically for his job. *So I would take the kids on his weeks or whenever he called and needed me...last minute. I am a nurse but I work from home. *Also our son began failing courses and acting out. *My son hated the back and forth. *So I proposed to my ex for me to take "custody" *and provide stability for our kids. *I'm always home, I'm engaged to a great guy who loves the kids very much and this home is stable. *He was reluctant at first but finally agreed. *Paying me was an issue. *He didn't want to give me more time than he had cause he didn't want to pay. *But he really had no choice. *Everything had been going fine until recently he now has a new girlfriend. *And now he says that she can stay home and watch the children while he works and he wants to go back to week on/ week off. *The conversation arised when I asked him for more money. *He pays $150 a week. *Well he paid. *He will no longer pay me. *I asked him for 50-100$ more a week. *Based upon his income, I believed that was fair. *And I only wanted to talk about it, but that was my first mistake, as it put us where we are now.

Our divorce agreement under parenting time says one line- "per the agreement of the parties" well now we can not reach an agreement and I'm lost. *Last Thursday is when it all took place. *And he said we are going back to week on week off, despite my protests and even saying pay NO money just don't disrupt the kids lives, he refuses to and says he will find someone to watch the kids while he's away. *And it's not my business who... Finally I said whatever pick them up tomorrow which was a Friday ( we originally did fri-fri 5pm or after school ) I had had the kids since that past Sunday. *He said no he had plans for the weekend and would pick them up the following Friday. *At this point I was just so tired :( *I told him no. *I wasn't playing his games. *If he wanted to change things selfishly and not think of kid's stability then he was picking them up that Friday. *He refused saying he had plans and the next Friday he had plans to take kids to an amusement park and hotel and arrangements were paid for. *I said no. *However he is calling my daughter (8) and saying hes gonna be here Friday and mommy says she won't let you go :'(

What do I do? *He's telling my daughter now that it'd be better if he picked them up Thurs night or if not Friday 7 am. *But if he wants to go back to the agreement & be difficult, the agreement was 5pm Fridays. *

 

This whole situation is awful. *I'm so worried about my children's stability and happiness. *This isn't fair. *It should not be about money. *I went to the FOC to establish parenting time. And I am filing a motion to make it what it has been for the last few months but I'm so scared of what's to happen, I can not afford a lawyer.

 

My sons grades improved and he even said that I am the only one who sits down and does his school work with him...my daughter cries for her dad when she gets in trouble and says she misses him sometimes...

 

Please someone help. *Any advice is appreciated.

 

We are in Michigan. *

DuckSoup Established Member

DuckSoup

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hire a lawyer and go to court to have a judge provide an enforceable court order--which is something you should have done the first time around even if you were in complete agreement on all the terms.

 

You know this is the correct answer, so do it.

 

Yes it does cost money.

 

We decided to do week on week off custody of our kids.

 

 

"Per the agreement of the parties." Week on, week off is the agreement until you have a firm agreement to change it, which you don't. So until you two can get your acts together and start cooperating again, it's week on, week off.

Edited by DuckSoup
worldgonewrong Established Member

worldgonewrong

Posted
Posted

just out of curiosity - why did the marriage bust up? was one of you having an affair?

wow04 Established Member

wow04

Posted
Posted
just out of curiosity - why did the marriage bust up? was one of you having an affair?

 

What does the above have to do with parenting time?

 

 

This is why I believe that there should be a court order to fall back on. If you get along well enough to make your own agreement then wonderful, but there should always be something to fall back on. It seems your only option is to take him back to court.

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worldgonewrong Established Member

worldgonewrong

Posted
Posted
What does the above have to do with parenting time?

 

It provides a backdrop to the animosity on either party's side.

 

You're engaged to a great guy...hmmm.

wow04 Established Member

wow04

Posted
Posted
It provides a backdrop to the animosity on either party's side.

 

So your saying if one cheated it can effect the way they interact? I get it. It seems like they really got along during the divorce. The issue didn't really start until the father got a girlfriend.

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Jorla990311 New Member

Jorla990311

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It provides a backdrop to the animosity on either party's side.

 

You're engaged to a great guy...hmmm.

 

Yes, he is a great guy...and no, there was no affair, on either of our parts. Just fell out of love. And my ex used to be my best friend. His animosity stems from money. He doesn't want to pay.

jmjacobs31 Established Member

jmjacobs31

Posted
Posted

Take him to court and he Will be paying you a lot more then 150 a week for two kids.

DuckSoup Established Member

DuckSoup

Posted
Posted
Yes, he is a great guy...and no, there was no affair, on either of our parts. Just fell out of love. And my ex used to be my best friend. His animosity stems from money. He doesn't want to pay.

 

 

Sorry, nope, I don't believe it.

 

Married women with kids and a husband who is a "great guy" don't simply decide that they've "just fell out of love" and need to split up.

 

There is ALWAYS a third party involved, ma'am.

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Jorla990311 New Member

Jorla990311

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Sorry, nope, I don't believe it.

 

Married women with kids and a husband who is a "great guy" don't simply decide that they've "just fell out of love" and need to split up.

 

There is ALWAYS a third party involved, ma'am.

 

Ok...I posted as I needed advice from others who went thru this, not accusations. My ex is a good guy. He ended the marriage, although it was mutual, I wasnt strong enough to let it go.

And we've remained close. Our divorce was simple, papers are only 4 pgs long...

I'm sorry but you sound bitter.

 

I'm looking for advice. So kindly send your comments elsewhere. Thanks.

 

Thank you everyone who's posted. I am seeking a lawyer tomorrow.

amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

Posted
Posted

I would let your kids go with him this weekend if he made plans and booked a hotel.

 

Your daughter misses him and your son needs dad time too.

 

If he's a good guy why the need to be a bitch? Don't use your children as pawn. Be better than that.

DuckSoup Established Member

DuckSoup

Posted
Posted
Ok...I posted as I needed advice from others who went thru this, not accusations. My ex is a good guy. He ended the marriage, although it was mutual, I wasnt strong enough to let it go.

And we've remained close. Our divorce was simple, papers are only 4 pgs long...

I'm sorry but you sound bitter.

 

I'm looking for advice. So kindly send your comments elsewhere. Thanks.

 

Thank you everyone who's posted. I am seeking a lawyer tomorrow.

 

Excuse me, please look at what I posted again. I didn't say YOU were necessarily the cheater. I said there is always a third party involved.

 

What you're saying here just doesn't wash. Now you're basically blaming your husband for the split. If he's such a great guy why would he have suddenly "fallen out of love" with you (although the way you originally posted it, it implied that you fell out of love with him).

 

You won't get good advice here if you're not truthful about the circumstances.

 

Your husband's animosity comes from somewhere. Either he cheated on you and is blaming you for the breakup of the marriage (as cheaters often do--blaming the betrayed spouse), and has rewritten the marriage to justify it--thus explaining the "animosity"--or....

 

"Great guys" don't suddenly fall out of love with the mothers of their children for no reason at all and then create problems with child custody, visitation and child support.

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Jorla990311 New Member

Jorla990311

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Excuse me, please look at what I posted again. I didn't say YOU were necessarily the cheater. I said there is always a third party involved.

 

What you're saying here just doesn't wash. Now you're basically blaming your husband for the split. If he's such a great guy why would he have suddenly "fallen out of love" with you (although the way you originally posted it, it implied that you fell out of love with him).

 

You won't get good advice here if you're not truthful about the circumstances.

 

 

Goodness. Well this isn't helpful :(

I'm being honest.

 

We had a baby young, 20, and got married right after. We were married for 10 years. During those years WE did fall out of love. We worked hard to try and make it work and it just wasnt there. For the last year we were Together in same house, we did not sleep together. In same room. But as hard as this is for you to believe, there was no bitterness. For our child and the pure fact that nothing happened to cause animosity, we were friends and the relationship was good. BUT it was just that, not a marriage. There wasn't any love or feeling of being in love. And yes he cheated at the end and left the household but the marriage was over and there wasn't bad feelings. I can support myself and being in same household was about kids.

 

We separated for 1 1/2 years before going thru divorce.

I don't know why he's changed. Maybe his new girlfriend. All I know is I can no longer go to him and work effectively to do what's best for the kids, that breaks my heart. I'm being 100% truthful, and I was only lookin for support as I am lost and heartbroken.

 

I am engaged, yes, and I love my fiancé, real genuine grow up love. So I'm happy there. I'm not bitter or mad, just sad for my kids and that for a very long time I had a really good friend. But it is what it is.

 

And I'm not a bitch, the kids are going on his vacation. I was only asking advice.

Gunny376 Established Member

Gunny376

Posted
Posted
My ex and I split 2 years ago, divorce was final this Feb. *We have 2 kids, 12 & 8. *We were able to remain close. *Even joking and wishing each other happy bday. *So we decided to not get courts involved and make decisions together...big mistake. *We have shared physical and legal custody. *There is no support order. *He makes 80K$ year and I make 52K$. *

We decided to do week on week off custody of our kids. *It was working ok up until about March, when he began traveling sporadically for his job. *So I would take the kids on his weeks or whenever he called and needed me...last minute. I am a nurse but I work from home. *Also our son began failing courses and acting out. *My son hated the back and forth. *So I proposed to my ex for me to take "custody" *and provide stability for our kids. *I'm always home, I'm engaged to a great guy who loves the kids very much and this home is stable. *He was reluctant at first but finally agreed. *Paying me was an issue. *He didn't want to give me more time than he had cause he didn't want to pay. *But he really had no choice. *Everything had been going fine until recently he now has a new girlfriend. *And now he says that she can stay home and watch the children while he works and he wants to go back to week on/ week off. *The conversation arised when I asked him for more money. *He pays $150 a week. *Well he paid. *He will no longer pay me. *I asked him for 50-100$ more a week. *Based upon his income, I believed that was fair. *And I only wanted to talk about it, but that was my first mistake, as it put us where we are now.

Our divorce agreement under parenting time says one line- "per the agreement of the parties" well now we can not reach an agreement and I'm lost. *Last Thursday is when it all took place. *And he said we are going back to week on week off, despite my protests and even saying pay NO money just don't disrupt the kids lives, he refuses to and says he will find someone to watch the kids while he's away. *And it's not my business who... Finally I said whatever pick them up tomorrow which was a Friday ( we originally did fri-fri 5pm or after school ) I had had the kids since that past Sunday. *He said no he had plans for the weekend and would pick them up the following Friday. *At this point I was just so tired :( *I told him no. *I wasn't playing his games. *If he wanted to change things selfishly and not think of kid's stability then he was picking them up that Friday. *He refused saying he had plans and the next Friday he had plans to take kids to an amusement park and hotel and arrangements were paid for. *I said no. *However he is calling my daughter (8) and saying hes gonna be here Friday and mommy says she won't let you go :'(

What do I do? *He's telling my daughter now that it'd be better if he picked them up Thurs night or if not Friday 7 am. *But if he wants to go back to the agreement & be difficult, the agreement was 5pm Fridays. *

 

This whole situation is awful. *I'm so worried about my children's stability and happiness. *This isn't fair. *It should not be about money. *I went to the FOC to establish parenting time. And I am filing a motion to make it what it has been for the last few months but I'm so scared of what's to happen, I can not afford a lawyer.

 

My sons grades improved and he even said that I am the only one who sits down and does his school work with him...my daughter cries for her dad when she gets in trouble and says she misses him sometimes...

 

Please someone help. *Any advice is appreciated.

 

We are in Michigan. *

 

I quoted your initial and orginal post just to get this thread back on track. :mad:

 

The whole "I've got a GF now and she can watch the kids!" gambit isn't going to work. She was looking for a (fill in the blank___________________ BF, Soul Mate, possible future SO/husband. I could be wrong? But I doubt very seriously that she was posting on some dating website looking for a job as a babysitter (for an entire week or more ~ no less). So that part of it is a wash.

 

And then there's the aspect that you don't even know this woman. Or other people. I don't claim to be the 'duty-expert' when it comes to women? But I do know women well enough that they're not going to just up and leave their children with just anyone without at least a top-secret security clearance conducted by the CIA, FBI, and NIS at the very least.

 

The whole week on and week off ~ every other weekend thing didn't work for me ~ because I was a career Marine. Two kids ages six and ten don't fit too awlful well in a Seabag nor an ALICE pack when you've got to 'mount out" for God only knows where. I deployed more the last four years I was in the Corps than I did the other sixteen put together, (Send Gunny376 ~ he's single! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:)

 

I personally think the X is being an azzhat about the entire deal. He's not being rational about the whole situation. He's not putting the well being of the children before himself ~ and it sounds like he needs to quit being a fool and get his happy azz back into school and quit trying to be a "Disneyland Weekend Dad!"

 

Personally I don't get the whole thing about coughing up another $100 to $150? You didn't say or I didn't catch it ~ wheather it was an extra $100 or $150 a week or month. Matters not when your pulling in $85K a year.

 

He should fall on his ever loving knees and Thank God Himself that your a nurse working out of the home and making the kind of money that your making. That your able to be there for and with HIS kids to help them with their homework, (So many parents don't) and that they've got stablity in their lives.

 

Me, myself and I having been the product of a broken home? I was Hell bent and bound for leather to take the brunt of the divorce and all of its ramifications ~ and as much as I could upon myself. To provide for my children.

 

Twenty - two years hence I'm enstranged from my children because of their Mother. (Parential Alienation on XHEX's part) But my children never went without, got a damned good education, and or for the most part, well happy. I just ended up being the POS ~ and as un-just and un-fair as that may be? Well its just the way it is. I know in all good conscious that when it comes my time I can at least face up come Judgement Day and say that I did my best, gave my best, and did all that I knew to do at the time.

 

None of which is neither here nor there. Run, run, run and get a copy of a book titled "Second Chances" by Wallerstien as I recall. Its the result of a twenty to thirty year study of the effects on children of divorce. It affects them well into their twenties, thirties, forties, and in their own personal relationships with their wives, husbands, and their own children. The time to put stop to the raminfictions of your divorce on your children is here and now.

 

If you can (and it sounds as though you can afford to) let the money issue slide and glide to the ground for now. Concentrate rather on getting the X re-orientated on what's best for the children. Coming together and coming up with a viable parenting plan that works not just for you and he ~ but for the kids.

 

What's important now is working through getting the DS back on track in school, and getting the DD to quit crying "Wolf! I want my Daddy!" everytime you have to play the role of the heavy.

 

I would suggest you acquire "Light Your Own Fire" by Ellen Kriedman (also of "Light His Fire" and "Light Her Fire" These are more about re-igniting the fire in one's relationship ~ but I advocate them for you in that she covers how much negativity that is thrust upon us as children ~ and how we carry that through our childhood ~ and into our adulthood.

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Jorla990311 New Member

Jorla990311

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Thank you. I appreciate your words. You've been very helpful and I will be looking for those books.

2sure Established Member

2sure

Posted
Posted

I have seen plenty of people try and one couple succeed with shared custody. the back and forth screws the kids up if they are little and creates resentment if they teens. Not to mention the amount of teamwork required is very difficult for people who got divorced for good reasons and/or have new partners.

 

Child support has to be court ordered. it's for the children and they are too important to take financial risk with.

 

The haggling isnt worth it. once things are legally handled and become the norm...you will get along much better.

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