ditzchic Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Hey LS. It's been awhile. I've been pretty good at avoiding drama in dating for awhile up until now. I need your help. I met a guy a little over a month ago. He's great. Like absolutely perfect and just what I've been looking for. We became pretty fast friends. And he asked me out within a few days of meeting him. We are both really really busy people with very little free time but we managed to squeeze in a few hours for a couple of drinks and a movie. I think the date went well, we both had fun, we were both showing interest. He was leaving for China in a few days for work but he said he wanted to hang out when he got back as we parted that night. He texted me when he got home to tell me he had a good time and another follow up text in the morning thanking me for the fun time. We were in a lot of contact up until he left for China. He was gone for 2 weeks and I didn't hear from him at all while he was there. No big deal. It would have been nice but I know he was busy and whatever... He got back on a Friday and got in contact with me first thing monday morning. We got all caught up on our lives for the 2 weeks but he never asked me out. So the next day I asked him out. I asked him to join me for a charity function I was going to in a week. He told me he would love to but he already had plans to meet up with an old coworker. He also said "I really appreciate that you thought of me that way" (Is that a red flag of somekind?). That was almost 2 weeks ago and since then the contact has been spotty. I've mostly waited for him to make first contact and he has but it seems different. A few days ago I went a little girl crazy on him and when he e-mailed me asking how I was I just came out and asked him if he was ever planning on hanging out with me again. He said yeah that he definitely wanted to but he was just so busy and he can't make plans that he's not sure if he can keep right now. I told him that that was fine but I wanted him to know that I'm not interested in an e-mail or text buddy. That I wanted to hang out with him, get to know him and probably date him and if he was looking for a chat buddy or didn't see this going any further than that, that we should both happily leave it go and go find what we want. He said that's not what he wanted and in a perfect world we would be together all the time but for right now he can't promise anything more than getting together when we can and staying in contact through text and e-mail. Since then communication has been even more spotty. Is it possible that he is just really busy + a phenomenally slow mover? Or is this guy just not all that into me? Like I said, he's great and if there's a chance that it's just bad timing and we just run on different speeds, I'll try and be patient. But if he's not into me, I'm not wasting anymore time bothering myself with his crumbs. What say you, LS?
Imajerk17 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Hey ditz, good to see you back! What does this guy do? I personally would find time to see you. My advice would be to wait for him to make plans and in the meanwhile keep your options open.
Author ditzchic Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 Hey ditz, good to see you back! What does this guy do? I personally would find time to see you. My advice would be to wait for him to make plans and in the meanwhile keep your options open. He's runs a purchasing department at a really large company. That has him traveling a lot. He is also taking classes to get his MBA in the evening so his time really is limited. That's legit. Also, I kinda screwed up in the beginning because we work in the same city and he suggested lunch dates and I shut that idea down. I hate lunch dates. I told him we would have to know each other better before I'd be down for that. I know that was kind of a bad move but I'm busy at my job too. It's not always easy for me to get out at a specific time to be somewhere for lunch. I'd just rather not do lunch dates.
gaius Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Old coworker sounds like a bogus excuse. If it wasn't, they would be the one getting blown off if he was really into you. 2
Imajerk17 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 He's runs a purchasing department at a really large company. That has him traveling a lot. He is also taking classes to get his MBA in the evening so his time really is limited. That's legit. Also, I kinda screwed up in the beginning because we work in the same city and he suggested lunch dates and I shut that idea down. I hate lunch dates. I told him we would have to know each other better before I'd be down for that. I know that was kind of a bad move but I'm busy at my job too. It's not always easy for me to get out at a specific time to be somewhere for lunch. I'd just rather not do lunch dates. Sounds to me like an impasse. He is too busy to meet you in the evening (and plan a date). You won't meet him at lunch. If I am on the fence about a girl--natural after only one date--I am extremely impressed if she is willing to go just a bit out of her way for me. It is so rare and impressive for most of us guys to see a woman who will do that, that it might convince us that you are indeed someone special, and it might inspire us to step up our own game.
Author ditzchic Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 Sounds to me like an impasse. He is too busy to meet you in the evening (and plan a date). You won't meet him at lunch. If I am on the fence about a girl--natural after only one date--I am extremely impressed if she is willing to go just a bit out of her way for me. It is so rare and impressive for most of us guys to see a woman who will do that, that it might convince us that you are indeed someone special, and it might inspire us to step up our own game. But here's the thing with that... I already asked him to that event with me and he turned me down. I gave him the big spiel about wanting to hang out with him instead of just texting and e-mailing. I feel like if I bring up lunch now, it'll come across as me practically begging or nagging him. I definitely let him know of my interest. I flat out told him I liked him and wanted to hang out again. I don't want to take it too far or be "that girl". Especially if he's leaning on the probably not interested side of the fence, which I think he is. He seems to have ignored a text from me earlier today so I'm thinking he just probably isn't all that interested... Damn.
Imajerk17 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 But here's the thing with that... I already asked him to that event with me and he turned me down. I gave him the big spiel about wanting to hang out with him instead of just texting and e-mailing. I feel like if I bring up lunch now, it'll come across as me practically begging or nagging him. I definitely let him know of my interest. I flat out told him I liked him and wanted to hang out again. I don't want to take it too far or be "that girl". Especially if he's leaning on the probably not interested side of the fence, which I think he is. He seems to have ignored a text from me earlier today so I'm thinking he just probably isn't all that interested... Damn. I know. Well, he did say he is busy in evenings as of now and your charity event was...what time of day again? Wait maybe a week or so and if you still care, you can suggest lunch. Then you can move on.
Imajerk17 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 (edited) Let me tell you a story. About 10 years ago, I had finished graduate school, was between jobs, and had about NO money. I had a second date planned with a girl but I couldn't afford to go. I was getting paid in two days but in the meanwhile the change that I dug out of my couch was hardly enough to pay for gas to drive up. I didn't want to tell the girl I had started dating this for obvious reasons, so I called her and asked if we could reschedule and made up some excuse about car trouble. She could tell I was bluffing and she probed. "Look if you just want to cancel and forget about this it's OK, just tell me." I told her the truth about my financial situation. She offered to come down and take ME out. I was extremely touched. This girl offered to do for me what I know no other girl would have done. I knew right then and there that she could be something very very special. We ended up dating for 2 years. We did break up but that was because we just weren't compatible. I know every bit of dating advice to girls tells them to not go out of their way to a guy. But if you did, you might be surprised. (And suggesting an evening event when he told you evenings are tough is not going out of your way IMO.) You would not be "that girl" by suggesting lunch. Edited August 5, 2012 by Imajerk17
soulm8 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 I met a guy a little over a month ago. He's great. Like absolutely perfect and just what I've been looking for. We became pretty fast friends. And he asked me out within a few days of meeting him. We are both really really busy people with very little free time but we managed to squeeze in a few hours for a couple of drinks and a movie. I think the date went well, we both had fun, we were both showing interest. He was leaving for China in a few days for work but he said he wanted to hang out when he got back as we parted that night. He texted me when he got home to tell me he had a good time and another follow up text in the morning thanking me for the fun time. We were in a lot of contact up until he left for China. He was gone for 2 weeks and I didn't hear from him at all while he was there. No big deal. It would have been nice but I know he was busy and whatever... He got back on a Friday and got in contact with me first thing monday morning. We got all caught up on our lives for the 2 weeks but he never asked me out. So the next day I asked him out. I asked him to join me for a charity function I was going to in a week. He told me he would love to but he already had plans to meet up with an old coworker. He also said "I really appreciate that you thought of me that way" (Is that a red flag of somekind?). That was almost 2 weeks ago and since then the contact has been spotty. I've mostly waited for him to make first contact and he has but it seems different. A few days ago I went a little girl crazy on him and when he e-mailed me asking how I was I just came out and asked him if he was ever planning on hanging out with me again. He said yeah that he definitely wanted to but he was just so busy and he can't make plans that he's not sure if he can keep right now. I told him that that was fine but I wanted him to know that I'm not interested in an e-mail or text buddy. That I wanted to hang out with him, get to know him and probably date him and if he was looking for a chat buddy or didn't see this going any further than that, that we should both happily leave it go and go find what we want. He said that's not what he wanted and in a perfect world we would be together all the time but for right now he can't promise anything more than getting together when we can and staying in contact through text and e-mail. Since then communication has been even more spotty. Is it possible that he is just really busy + a phenomenally slow mover? Or is this guy just not all that into me? Like I said, he's great and if there's a chance that it's just bad timing and we just run on different speeds, I'll try and be patient. But if he's not into me, I'm not wasting anymore time bothering myself with his crumbs. What say you, LS? He doesn't move slow... he's keeping his options open and "knows" you're on the hook. In a perfect world you'd be together all the time? He's arrogantly ASSuming you want to skip dating and be exclusive. Does that sit well with you? Crumbs are exactly what he's giving you. Next. 1
Pasttense Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 There are 168 hours a week, and I don't see how the activities you have enumerated take up all of them for him. For example what about the time between when you both get off work and he goes to classes? Why can't you have evening meals together? Or after classes are over. And I don't see any problems with getting together on weekends. I think you should meet other guys and put him on the backburner.
dropdeadredtx Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 We are all busy - I work approx. 75-80 hours a week when we are in production. We make time for what is important. You are NOT a priority to this man. Don't waste your emotional time and energy, let go and give yourself the space for someone who is interested in you. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 He doesn't move slow... he's keeping his options open and "knows" you're on the hook. In a perfect world you'd be together all the time? He's arrogantly ASSuming you want to skip dating and be exclusive. Does that sit well with you? Crumbs are exactly what he's giving you. Next. Exactly. I'm dating a very productive guy with a great career, and he has made time for me from the very start. If he hadn't, I would have lost interest very quickly. I'm sorry, but this guy just isn't that into you. If he meets someone he really likes, you can bet your butt that he will find time to spend with her. But don't take this personally. People rule others out for all kinds of reasons. I'm sure you're a great girl. Move on and look for someone who appreciates you.
Andy_K Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Even if he did have you as a top priority, which he clearly doesn't, he doesn't seem to have time to be dating anyway. Find someone more available, this one will only mess you around.
soulm8 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 He's great. Like absolutely perfect and just what I've been looking for. This is it right here. Unfortunately, when we find someone seemingly "perfect" for us... common sense takes a back seat to emotion. Wanting him to actually be "perfect" makes it easier to excuse red flags. Actions... not words. He's absolutely perfect for someone else. Let her wonder why he's hot and cold...
crosswordfiend Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Even if he did have you as a top priority, which he clearly doesn't, he doesn't seem to have time to be dating anyway. Find someone more available, this one will only mess you around. Would you even want someone that would make you their top priority on the basis of a single date? What happens when they meet someone new? Will the accumulated history of your long standing relationship count for nothing?
crosswordfiend Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 There are 168 hours a week, and I don't see how the activities you have enumerated take up all of them for him. For example what about the time between when you both get off work and he goes to classes? Why can't you have evening meals together? Or after classes are over. And I don't see any problems with getting together on weekends. I think you should meet other guys and put him on the backburner. Switching activities requires time for a mental shift. Think of when you have had a busy day at the office with many meetings. Are you able to get any actual work done in the hour gap between two successive meetings or are you like me and go make yourself a coffee and veg out instead?
Imajerk17 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 (edited) I get the gist of the women's (and all the others') responses so far: "He's not that into you". My response to that is "Why should he be?" I'm not implying that ditzchic isn't a great gal and all that but they just went on one date, and if this guy is truly all that, he goes out with a lot of gals. Who will he eventually end up with? The one who stands out. We men, just as you women, appreciate someone who will go a bit out of our way on our behalf. I'm not sure how ditz has really done that yet. EDIT: just read crosswordfiend's posts. I agree. Edited August 5, 2012 by Imajerk17
gaius Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I get the gist of the women's (and all the others') responses so far: "He's not that into you". My response to that is "Why should he be?" I'm not implying that ditzchic isn't a great gal and all that but they just went on one date, and if this guy is truly all that, he goes out with a lot of gals. Who will he eventually end up with? The one who stands out. It's not hard to tell with a small amount of contact if you're really into a person or not. You wouldn't have been driving hours to see some woman you barely knew if this statement was true. Don't be ridiculous.
Emilia Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 He was gone for 2 weeks and I didn't hear from him at all while he was there. No big deal. It would have been nice but I know he was busy and whatever... He got back on a Friday and got in contact with me first thing monday morning. We got all caught up on our lives for the 2 weeks but he never asked me out. So the next day I asked him out. I asked him to join me for a charity function I was going to in a week. He told me he would love to but he already had plans to meet up with an old coworker. He also said "I really appreciate that you thought of me that way" (Is that a red flag of somekind?). I would have stopped any kind of contact with him at this point as that comment proves he isn't attracted to you - or even taking the p*** slightly. I get the gist of the women's (and all the others') responses so far: "He's not that into you". My response to that is "Why should he be?" I'm not implying that ditzchic isn't a great gal and all that but they just went on one date, and if this guy is truly all that, he goes out with a lot of gals. Who will he eventually end up with? The one who stands out. We men, just as you women, appreciate someone who will go a bit out of our way on our behalf. I'm not sure how ditz has really done that yet. EDIT: just read crosswordfiend's posts. I agree. Really? I would say any sort of communication is desperate when someone tells you they are flattered that you have thought of them 'that way'. Pride might mean you date fewer people but it also means you only date those that have respect for you.
Imajerk17 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 (edited) I get I am in the minority here. However I stick by what I wrote earlier. Just A Poster, asking someone to a charity function YOU wanted to go to, when he already said evenings are tough, is NOT going out of your way for someone. And Emilia, the problem with texting is that you're reading too much into ambiguously quickly-typed out responses, i.e., the "I'm glad you thought of me that way". gaius, that was indeed true for me. I'm not sure whether that would be true for any guys nor would I necessarily recommend that a guy consider doing that! Edited August 6, 2012 by Imajerk17
Emilia Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Emilia, asking someone to a charity function YOU wanted to go to, when he already said evenings are tough, is NOT going out of your way for someone. And the problem with texting is that you're reading too much into ambiguously quickly-typed out responses, i.e., the "I'm glad you thought of me that way". ! "He was gone for 2 weeks and I didn't hear from him at all while he was there. No big deal. It would have been nice but I know he was busy and whatever... He got back on a Friday and got in contact with me first thing monday morning. We got all caught up on our lives for the 2 weeks but he never asked me out. So the next day I asked him out. I asked him to join me for a charity function I was going to in a week. He told me he would love to but he already had plans to meet up with an old coworker. He also said "I really appreciate that you thought of me that way" (Is that a red flag of somekind?)." Not being in touch for 2 weeks, not being in touch for the whole weekend after arriving in the country, talking but not asking the OP out, turning the girl down and not coming up with another option and saying 'I really appreciate that you thought of me that way' You seriously think this is a sign of a man who wants to make any kind of effort with her? 1
dispatch3d Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I started the rule with dating for myself where if I don't go out with the girl in a 2 week period (and for sure a one month period) then its over. Whatever, maybe this is "stringent" but I think if I have to try that hard to get a meeting with them prehaps there is something else going on here...
crosswordfiend Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Here is the million dollar question. What happens if, in a couple of months, his work schedule clears up and he apologizes for being out of contact but has time to see you again. What do you do? Do you say too late you had your chance, or do you give him the benefit of the doubt and hit the reset button on dating? Let's assume we are in an environment where potential suitors (that you like) are few and far between.
yongyong Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 He spends quite amount of time thinking about banging some chick he ran into that day, masturbating, watching something sexy on tv or internet. If he doesn't have time for you then, that means 'he'd rather masturbate'
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