Why do we do it?

[theskyisblue]

So I heard from the ex a couple of days ago - she was moving and had some of my stuff. I had only seen her once since she dumped me. Anyway, I came on LS and asked for advice about whether to respond to the text she sent me. I think the thread is on here. Everybody unanimously said don't respond and/or don't see her so like an idiot what do I do?

 

Yeah well don't be surprised that I responded cooly to her text and then went and saw her yesterday to get my stuff. We were both sad, both cry, she says she doesn't feel like she made wrong decision and I said well if you have doubts, how about listening to them because you threw all this away. That seemed to make her think. It was surreal and very sad. Usually when you break up it's not like this - what I find strange is how caring we both are to each other still. She pulled me back in the house and we sat on the sofa and got really close and I held her. I told her that I was looking for engagement while she was planning leaving and she said she didn't realise. The conversation felt so much like she was trying to justify leaving. It's difficult to convey the subtleties of the conversation but seeing her sad about me not being in her life made me think - well why did you end it? I think perhaps she isn't sure either.

 

Well I shouldn't have gone to see her. Going NC - I don't feel worse for seeing her, or better, I realise she is gone. I think I just feel exhasted, so exhausted by all of this. Not really sure what to do from here.

 

Any words, wisdom or advice would be amazing thank you.

[Ruby65]

I'm so sorry -- it sounds like a really emotional and draining experience.

 

At least you've gotten your stuff and can start to move on now without worrying about having contact forced on you!

 

In truth, she almost certainly knows why she ended it. She's not telling you because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Or maybe it's a purely selfish reason and she doesn't want you to think she's a bad person by telling you about it. People don't do something as difficult as breaking up with someone they care about without having at least one very good reason.

 

The thing is to gather yourself up now and move forward and keep the focus on YOU.

 

It's probably for the best you saw her if it's going to help you move on!

[theskyisblue]

It is so tough trying to work out what to do. You basically said it Ruby, it's been so emotional and draining. I really haven't got a clue what to do. I don't think she's met anybody else, she's just doesn't want to be with anybody. How can you be with somebody who doesn't want to be with anybody. People might say she's met somebody else but it's not that - she just wants to be by herself and entertain only her own thoughts and feelings. There's no point analysing or thinking about it - we just went from happy in a relationship, to this. Whatever this is.

 

The relationship has just taken all of this effort and I'm just feeling like a husk of a person. I can barely recall when things were happy and good with her. I mean there's glimpses of us being great together - lots of great trips and being in love but there's also so much of me getting dumped, fighting for her, neglecting my friends, feeling unwanted, looking for answers, lonley walks trying to find peace, coming back to her, thinking we're good then getting told off, finding out she doesn't want me, getting dumped again and feeling totally lost.

 

There's so many people on here struggling for answers and reasons and I am as well. So glad I can post on here because otherwise I wonder who I could even talk to about this. Thought I'd be getting engaged but instead I'm breaking my heart for a girl who after everything can just walk away from it.

[Ruby65]

Okay, this is going to sound harsh, but it might help you move on.

 

When she tells you she just doesn't want to be with anybody? What she really means is she just doesn't want to be with YOU.

 

She will meet someone and have a relationship with them. It's not relationships in general she doesn't want -- she's only saying that to spare your feelings.

 

Here's the thing, though..... if you can accept that -- for whatever reasons -- she's decided not to be with you anymore, it really makes your job right now much, much simpler. All you really need to focus on is you, your own life and feeling better.

 

There's nothing to "do" in relation to this woman, other than walk away and never contact her again.

 

Please don't waste anymore of your time and emotions on someone who doesn't deserve it and won't appreciate it.

[Fitnerd]

I've been on LS for a week and Ruby, everytime I read one of your posts, I felt better inside... Thank you.

 

I understand what the OP is going through though... You know all hope is gone (or worse, deep inside, there's a tiny bit of you still hoping) but you just don't want her to exit your life forever.

 

My situation is way different (I don't think I can consider the girl who left an ex even) but my worst fear is the idea of never seeing her again... ever.

[Matt145]

So I heard from the ex a couple of days ago - she was moving and had some of my stuff. I had only seen her once since she dumped me. Anyway, I came on LS and asked for advice about whether to respond to the text she sent me. I think the thread is on here. Everybody unanimously said don't respond and/or don't see her so like an idiot what do I do?

 

Yeah well don't be surprised that I responded cooly to her text and then went and saw her yesterday to get my stuff. We were both sad, both cry, she says she doesn't feel like she made wrong decision and I said well if you have doubts, how about listening to them because you threw all this away. That seemed to make her think. It was surreal and very sad. Usually when you break up it's not like this - what I find strange is how caring we both are to each other still. She pulled me back in the house and we sat on the sofa and got really close and I held her. I told her that I was looking for engagement while she was planning leaving and she said she didn't realise. The conversation felt so much like she was trying to justify leaving. It's difficult to convey the subtleties of the conversation but seeing her sad about me not being in her life made me think - well why did you end it? I think perhaps she isn't sure either.

 

Well I shouldn't have gone to see her. Going NC - I don't feel worse for seeing her, or better, I realise she is gone. I think I just feel exhasted, so exhausted by all of this. Not really sure what to do from here.

 

Any words, wisdom or advice would be amazing thank you.

 

 

I am in the exact situation as you are my ex dumped me for the same reasons, because she didnt want to be with anyone, she wanted to be independant, shes been in relationships to long she wanted to be single bla bla all that **** she couldnt give me a real reason. She also didnt want to let go of me and broke NC many times and we had sex twice when we wasnt together and she kept changing her mind about being together and not. I know exacly how you feel, and its very confusing but all you have got to do is just move on from now stay NC and stick with it and accept that it is over for good. Dont make the mistakes i did by going to see her when she asked me to and having meanless sex what just made things worse for me and the chances of us getting back together. But im in 9 days NC now and i feel better each day.

[theskyisblue]

Okay, this is going to sound harsh, but it might help you move on.

 

When she tells you she just doesn't want to be with anybody? What she really means is she just doesn't want to be with YOU.

 

She will meet someone and have a relationship with them. It's not relationships in general she doesn't want -- she's only saying that to spare your feelings.

 

Here's the thing, though..... if you can accept that -- for whatever reasons -- she's decided not to be with you anymore, it really makes your job right now much, much simpler. All you really need to focus on is you, your own life and feeling better.

 

There's nothing to "do" in relation to this woman, other than walk away and never contact her again.

 

Please don't waste anymore of your time and emotions on someone who doesn't deserve it and won't appreciate it.

 

Heya, thank you you're correct of course. I have to walk away and not think about her, or what we had or what I thought our relationship would be. Accepting that somebody doesn't want you is so tough. What seems so frustrating is that I was getting on with my life, and then she sends me a message and I mess it up by speaking to her. It seems whenever I see her there is just another reason for us to both feel sad!

 

I will try and focus on my life and what to do with it. Just feels really lonely when that person leaves. There will be other amazing relationships (hopefully) but with other people. What would be great would be the ability to switch off thinking about all this. Thinking about her. I'm trying to keep busy, just occasionally though I get all choked up thinking about what she walked away from. I got serious and she dumped me. I don't care if it makes me sound weak to say but she broke my heart, she really did. Got to work out what to do from here. Thanks for your advice as well.

[theskyisblue]

Matt - sounds like you've had some trouble. Have you heard from her since you went NC? What's frustrating is that NC I guess works if in fact you literally don't have contact. It's way too easy to reply when they message you and that just leaves you with questions and confusion. There are sweet caring people out there but seriously I start to doubt things when I hear from her.

 

She won't message again, that really does seem like that's it. I have to get on with my life otherwise I'll end up just getting hurt by her. Argh -these people who were there to support and care, and who you supported and care about can suddenly switch and have nothing to do with you. It just seems so hurtful. There's no point in analysing it but do you occasionally think - why?? Why throw this away? It doesn't make sense? Why end it and then still be sad when we meet? Ah, it doesn't matter. It's done and I have to accept that she doesn't want it. Must get on with things and try and keep busy.

[Ruby65]

Heya, thank you you're correct of course. I have to walk away and not think about her, or what we had or what I thought our relationship would be. Accepting that somebody doesn't want you is so tough. What seems so frustrating is that I was getting on with my life, and then she sends me a message and I mess it up by speaking to her. It seems whenever I see her there is just another reason for us to both feel sad!

 

I will try and focus on my life and what to do with it. Just feels really lonely when that person leaves. There will be other amazing relationships (hopefully) but with other people. What would be great would be the ability to switch off thinking about all this. Thinking about her. I'm trying to keep busy, just occasionally though I get all choked up thinking about what she walked away from. I got serious and she dumped me. I don't care if it makes me sound weak to say but she broke my heart, she really did. Got to work out what to do from here. Thanks for your advice as well.

 

 

I totally get it -- and please try to remember that your capacity to have your heart broken is part of what makes you such an awesome catch for those girls out there who DO deserve someone like you!

 

Of course you'll have other -- way more amazing -- relationships.... but it's probably hard to believe that right now.

 

For now, all you have to do is work to feel better, more like your normal self.

 

In time, you will!

[theskyisblue]

I totally get it -- and please try to remember that your capacity to have your heart broken is part of what makes you such an awesome catch for those girls out there who DO deserve someone like you!

 

Of course you'll have other -- way more amazing -- relationships.... but it's probably hard to believe that right now.

 

For now, all you have to do is work to feel better, more like your normal self.

 

In time, you will!

 

That's so kind of you to say. I guess you really lose yourself in a breakup -takes away your confidence and maybe even your identity a bit. A person shouldn't really have that much sway over whether you can be happy. It sucks, it's really lonely but hopefully when you meet somebody who does want you it'll be even better? Hopefully that happens? Yeah there has to be a limit to how alone a person can be.

 

The weird thing is since she broke up with me lots of people have said you can focus on yourself and how lucky you are to be able to do what you want. In theory this may be true, but in practice, if you're happy with somebody and that person goes, it's really tough to get on with your life and meet friends, and go for that great job or whatever. You want them there with you. I guess you just have to accept that it doesn't matter if you want them, they have to want to be with you as well.

[theskyisblue]

We all cling to the idea of the chance to have it all again..to have them back in your arms. I am in the same boat as you. My ex bf came over yesterday to drop off my things...he couldn't leave me and I didn't want him to leave me. If it was so hard for both of us, why were we doing this? We hugged, we kissed, we didn't let go. But I knew the moment was going to end...I knew he was going to have to leave eventually and I'd be left alone all over again.

 

It's hard not knowing what is going to happen next. What we don't know is scary. Knowledge is power, and we lack that power.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend and yet, I feel this regret. As I'm sure your ex does too. It's never easy leaving someone you love or used to love, someone you shared wonderful experiences with, someone you grew with. It's hard and there's no way around it.

 

It's not easy from either side.

 

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, and even months overanalyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying the would've, could've and should've, or you can leave the pieces on the floor and move on. We all know what is easier. But is it what we will do? Nope. Never. Because love is a wonderful thing and we fight for it! Even if it drops us every time!

 

Don’t ask yourself what you did wrong or how you could have done it differently. Don’t waste your valuable heart and mind trying to figure out why she did what she did, or thinking back on all the things she said, and wondering what was the truth and what was the lie. The only thing you need to know is that it’s really good news: she’s gone. and now you can focus on moving on.

 

Don't be flattered that she misses you. She should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, she's still the same person who broke your heart. Remember, the only reason she can miss you is because she's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

 

Heya, thanks for the reply. It's so frustrating. Imagine if we could put this effort into other things. We could learn a language or become amazing athletes or run for office, or well anything other than focusing on this break up. Need to tell myself it's done and then stop thinking about it. Since seeing her I realised that it's all different - she's gone and that's it. I say, maybe I don't believe it but I say it.

 

I really like what you say about she's choosing every day to not be with you. This sums it up so well. She made that choice to not be with me. She chose to bail out as things were getting really good. All the justifications and her saying how she wasn't sure about it and anything, well that doesn't matter because she broke up with me.

 

It seems really unlikely that I'll hear from her again. She is moving, she doesn't want it and you can't make somebody love you as much as you love them. Makes the dating game awfully daunting though. The dating game. Another fun thing to play. Shouldn't really be so hard on it but it's just so much effort. The effort of trying to find somebody or the loneliness of being by yourself? By the way hduscio is that your picture as an avatar? If so wow! That's a great picture!

[YorickBrown]

Heya, thanks for the reply. It's so frustrating. Imagine if we could put this effort into other things. We could learn a language or become amazing athletes or run for office, or well anything other than focusing on this break up. Need to tell myself it's done and then stop thinking about it. Since seeing her I realised that it's all different - she's gone and that's it. I say, maybe I don't believe it but I say it.

 

I really like what you say about she's choosing every day to not be with you. This sums it up so well. She made that choice to not be with me. She chose to bail out as things were getting really good. All the justifications and her saying how she wasn't sure about it and anything, well that doesn't matter because she broke up with me.

 

It seems really unlikely that I'll hear from her again. She is moving, she doesn't want it and you can't make somebody love you as much as you love them. Makes the dating game awfully daunting though. The dating game. Another fun thing to play. Shouldn't really be so hard on it but it's just so much effort. The effort of trying to find somebody or the loneliness of being by yourself? By the way hduscio is that your picture as an avatar? If so wow! That's a great picture!

 

I'll make mine short & simple: Anything and everything Ruby65 said so far in this thread, its golden.

 

By the way hduscio is that your picture as an avatar? If so wow! That's a great picture!

 

 

Nothing like a pretty picture ey mate? Do I detect the faint glimpse of "flirtecovery" already?

[theskyisblue]

Hduscio - thanks it's true what you're saying. I get a bit exhausted with the heartbreak. You think you've met that person and then pow, just like that they're gone. I guess at least, like you say, you will hopefully meet up with the person that is meant to be with you. Break ups are so exhausting though aren't they. There are so many amazing things you could be doing but if your heart isn't in it, well, then your heart isn't in it. How are you doing with yours? I've been following a few peoples posts and trying to respond when possible.

 

Yorrick - What you say about Ruby, is absolutely true. Her advice is fantastic and much appreciated! That's what's great about here though. You get to post and people really put the effort in to talking with you. It can be tough talking with friends and even family, because there is a limit to how much they can listen and being able to articulate your thoughts by posting them in this forum really does help. Also with regards to flirtecovery, ahem, wouldn't like to say!

 

Cheers for all the input on the thread though to everybody posting. It's what makes this such a great place to post!