FWB Sucks/5 Foolish Yrs

[lovejoy41]

@Upward that is a good point. My cousin said the same thing. Said that he likes both of us for diff reasons & that he probably wanted us both. She said that the girl he's with is younger but probably immature in a lot of areas esp with her not ever being married and having kids but I noticed that on her fb page that they are everywhere(that's when I was looking at that crap)(I don't anymore now that I have my answers about them). So she is probably the fun girl so to speak. Me, I'm independent, strong, and I was always the one who listened to him vent about his problems(kids, finances, family etc.). I was the one who lent my ear and would always comfort him and tell him to stay strong. Sort of "a comforter". It's like he would lay under me and we would just lay still holding each other and even would kiss. It wasn't purely sexual all of the time, it's like we just fit and at times it felt like genuine love between us even though we weren't exclusive. I have those moments sometimes when I talk to myself(lol) and those are the times when I say that the emotional support that I gave him is what he is going to miss the most. Bottom line, I was a good woman. And unlike this woman, he knew that he didn't have to run me here there and everywhere all of the time. We went out plenty of times but I was good with just spending time together at my house if we did. I made it real clear to him from the beginning that although he has a good job, a really nice car, and money, that I was not in it for the money but that I was in it because I liked him as a person. If you see this woman and how she flaunts pics of herself, pics of her & him, and a million posts about what they do together on fb, you would know what I mean. Any fool can see that she's in it for the image of "the good life" with him.

 

But it is what it is and no, I wouldn't want to be his choice & then years later he's sitting around missing her. Or decides that he wants to be with me and still see her behind my back. That's what I meant about this being a blessing in disguise. Who's to say that mos/years later he wakes up and decides that she isn't really what he wanted? I mean she's living with him and all but nothing is ever guaranteed. Heck, Now I'm seeing people who've been married for years part ways because they're discovering that they married the wrong person. smh Not wishing any of that on him, but I'm just saying. If he wants to still fool around(with other women and me(if I had let him) while he's with her then he's STILL not ready for a real commitment. I mean really, but if that happened that has officially became something for her to worry about not me. That is sad about your son's close friend. I felt like that at some point too. Not wanting to let go of him for fear that I wouldn't find another man. Or just the thought of having to date and get to know someone all over again. I mean, it's like I knew him so well BUT when I think about how much time I've wasted and how he went about doing this the way he did with this woman I know that I made the right choice. I'd rather take a chance than be unhappy & be treated like second best. Besides, "I can do bad by myself". I mean he's happy with her, what about my happiness? I have to think about my happiness. Maybe one day your son's friend will wise up like I did and realize that she deserves better.

Edited August 9, 2012 by lovejoy41

[UpwardForward]

Yes .. ha, That is so true - we can all 'do bad' by ourselves and w/o any proding or help from others to waste our lives.

 

Had you not discovered, or been told about the live-in R, you would still be wasting your life - as my son's friend. And who knows how many more years for her.

 

I just think that w an emotional R, there should be a committment of M within 2 yrs - unless both are of the same accord, that they just want the R, and without any committment or ties.

 

IMO, a person should only have one mate. It's not right for a whole person to have to share another.

Edited August 9, 2012 by UpwardForward

[lovejoy41]

Yeah you're right. As for "variety" he has no more as far as I'm concerned. HA! He'll find another fool though. Or he'll toss her when he's tired of her. I'm glad that I did find out but here's the thing. If I hadn't found out I would've ended it. As I said in an earlier post, I had told him in the 4th year of this that I was growing tired of it and that I was getting to the point of wanting something more. I had told him that I was going to a different level in my life.

 

So, I would've been ending it this year anyway. This situation just pushed me into doing it quicker. It was like I kinda was just going along with it because in my frame of mind at the time, something was better than nothing but naturally some feelings were still there too. My body was still in this crap, but honestly, emotionally I had checked out a couple months ago. It's funny because it was after that checkout that this happened. Maybe that was god's way of preparing me for this discovery with him and her. Had he told me about her, you better believe I would've been gone last year and he knows it. That's why he didn't. You are right though if a man hasn't committed in a 2 yr time frame, it's time to go.At some point, I begin to suspect that him and her are in a open relationship. He did say that she knew that he was with other women. That kind of relationship where they are together but sharing themselves with others. And you're also right about sharing. It's sick. But you'd be surprised at how many open relationships are in operation. I can imagine with a lot of unsuspecting victims. One of them being myself. smh

Edited August 9, 2012 by lovejoy41

[UpwardForward]

Yet, you said on her FB she was flaunting him? (or something like that).

 

Perhaps they aren't really in an open R, and he is lying about it ... or she has agreed to take what she can get, but displaying on FB that he is hers - in warding others off?

[NoMagicBullet]

I think she doesn't know; I think he's been lying to the live-in girlfriend, too. Maybe she suspects, but if so, pictures on FB aren't going to stop this guy -- he'll simply find a woman who doesn't do FB or doesn't care that he has a so-called girlfriend.

[lovejoy41]

You both are probably right. I can't see a woman accepting him spending nights out with other women, but then again maybe she is desperate enough to accept what she can. Yeah she flaunts pics and stuff on fb. @ Magic I said the same thing. She's wasting her time if she thinks that stuff is gonna ward off other women. I mean it worked for me, but it wasn't only her crap that wised me up but his behavior and disrespect. So, like I said before better her than me because he's going to do the same thing to her. He's her problem now.

[UpwardForward]

LJ, How long has she been living w him?

[lovejoy41]

All I know is that she posts pics of her& him and most of her posts are about them going places like she might say something like "going out with my baby", "had a great time in Augusta with my baby and his family"(his family is in Augusta, this was the post that led to how I found out that she had met his family). He's never taken anyone to Augusta with him, so I figured she met the family because when he goes to Augusta he's going to his parent's house. He had told me that he doesn't introduce his " lady friends" to his family. The only people who had met them were his ex wife& his previous girlfriend before her AND I'm still thinking he's not "ready for a commitment", so why would he introduce anyone? So, imagine my surprise when I saw her post!

 

The pics are some of him and her cheek to cheek(more than 1 pic too)( at the carnival, on the ferris wheel, a pic of them dressed up on Halloween with friends, others are her in front of his car at his house. She even had a few that she'd taken sitting on his bed and others where she's in the passenger seat of his car dressed to go out(I assume). Sometimes her posts will have the location too. You know when the Facebook locator is set on a cell phone so she may post "having a great time with my baby" and it shows "At "Hooter's Peachtree" or wherever she is. The same day I made that "devastating" discovery she also had something about having some type of surgery that would help her in being able to get pregnant and that she was also house hunting. He had mentioned thinking about getting another house in the future to me as well! Something about she had had really bad cramps since she was 9(Ugh! Way too much info for her to have been posting on fb). Maybe she had fibroids or something. Who knows?! So, that really got my blood boiling. Especially with me remembering that convo he had brought up to me about wanting to have a son. So, here I am watching this man's future unfold with this other woman. She's met the parents, she's living with him, planning to get pregnant for him, and hunting for another house. The house that they are in is the same house he was in with his ex-wife. He moved the ex and his daughters into another house when they separated.(His biological daughter is 10, stepdaughter is 17), so it's no surprise that his new gf probably wants to move out of that house.

 

She has been living with him since 2011. He had me thinking it was a roommate. So I was clueless and still dating him thinking he had a roommate. My gut was telling me different but I didn't have the proof. I guess the proof should've been when I didn't go back over there after Jan 1 2011& I didn't stay overnight either. So foolishly I kept seeing him believing that he actually had a roommate. smh I even verified what she was saying regarding them living together. I went to the white pages online, put in her name and guess who's address popped up? His! That confirmed it.

Edited August 10, 2012 by lovejoy41

[UpwardForward]

That explains why you didn't know for about a yr and half. He told you the meeting would have to be elsewhere because of his 'room mate'.

 

He is a rat. And in my exp. the truth always surfaces - as it did for you.

 

IMO, with them living together for about 19 mos, I don't know that there will be a M, unless she has something to bring into it - i.e. perhaps a good job.

 

But then you've intimated he's comfortable financially.

 

She may also know the best way to get him, is to become pregnant. etc.

 

I'm just trying to say, much of the excitement could be one sided.

 

Enjoy the picts, while you're healing from this.

 

If you haven't done so, I recommend you read other OM/OW stories (past & present) on that forum. Even though he's not M, still he has another R. Reading related stories will help you to know your situation isn't isolated, and these guys will mostly do what they think they can get by with.

[lovejoy41]

Yes he is! And you're right what's done in the dark always comes to light. Especially when you're looking for the light. I'm not one of these females who's ok with staying in the dark. When I have that gut feeling about something, it's not long before I find out that it was there for a reason. As for what the future holds for her idk. He's just taken her to meet his family in June and I don't know what prompted that. I know that he told me that he'd met his ex-wife's new bf not too long ago and he still loved her. It was as if meeting her new bf stirred up something in him. He cheated on his ex-wife. That's the reason they're divorced. IDK but at one point I guessed that he introduced her because of his ex's new r. His mom still talks to his ex, so what better way for the ex to find out he has a new gf than to introduce her to his parents.

 

Or maybe after she got that inbox from me, he knew he was busted, she begin having doubts,& he knew that he had to pull something really big to patch it up to convince her that he's truly committed. So, meeting the parents would be a huge patch. Or maybe she gave him a ultimatum or asked why she hasn't met them. Who knows? Ugh! He probably won't marry her if she's comfortable playing married. Why would he? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? My friend said if he does marry her, it's most likely that he's gonna be unhappy& continue to cheat in the marriage. Or she's gonna cheat on him. I do think she is setting him up& after all she is 34. Think about it. She's never been married& never had kids. Her biological clock is ticking. What better way to accomplish beating that clock than to get pregnant by a man who's good looking& well off financially, but that's what he's chose so it's on him.

 

At one point she worked as a nurse in a doctor's office but I think she either got laid off or fired because I also saw on fb when a friend asked her what type of work she does and she said that she is now a full-time student. So, she's in school. So he's not getting anything out of her as far as a good job goes. He's taking care of her because he chooses to. It's ok though. He wants her so let him go ahead and end up being sucked dry by having 2 children by 2 different women. Then he's gonna wish that he had done right by me.

 

@Upward, when you say the excitement is one-sided what do you mean? Like it's all her that's gun ho with the relationship? All I know is that I've seen men do this to good women. Women with integrity and respect always get screwed by them,and they choose the women who have no respect and low self esteem. They ultimately marry, live with them, and years later they get burned& run back to the good girl with their tails tucked. My kids father just did that! HA! He wronged me & his sons. He didn't marry me but chose to marry another woman who had kids that weren't his and guess what? 18 years later to this day they are now divorced and guess who he came crying too? ME! So, this man will learn the hard way just as the others did. If you can't appreciate me while I'm with you, you will appreciate me when I'm gone!

 

I have been reading other posts under the forums and trust I see others with situations far worse than mine. I'm very fortunate that I walked & that I was strong enough to walk when I did. The other posts I'm seeing involve women being dumped by men like this rat I was dealing with so it makes me feel really good knowing that I walked away before he had the opportunity to do that to me. Sorry for the long replies but this dude is just beyond words!

Edited August 10, 2012 by lovejoy41

[UpwardForward]

Yes, I was thinking all her gushing on FB, could be mostly one sided. After all he was also in another R - with you.

 

Sounds as if she flatters him and he's giving her everything she wants incl opportunity for further education. I'm just wondering how much she would have gotten had it not been for his guilt over being with another woman - you.

 

They may not marry unless she get's pregnant. And these days, nothing seems to last forever, incl marriage.

 

With your growing tired of the arrangement, and your discovery - you are that much more well off to have this behind you and to be beginning anew.

 

Those who continue to cling and w hope in these R's still have all of this to go through.

[lovejoy41]

I guess. That's what hurts me the most. I was there right after his divorce. I'm the one who sat & listened to him whine about his ex-wife, how much he messed up, and this and that about her all of the time. There were times I got tired of hearing it but I listened and comforted him none the less. I was also there before he got all of the blitz and bling. He had his house and his job when I met him, but in addition to that divorce he also was in debt(ended up filing for bankruptcy). At the time he didn't have this fancy shmansy car that he has now. He had a four door pick up truck.

 

Knowing all of this is why it hurts. I'm the one who was there through the bad and the ugly, giving him my ear and my heart and what does he do? Give some other woman all that she wants& needs emotionally and financially. Thing is, he was dating me and probably was dating her at the same time but I guess he decided she was the better choice to become exclusive with(or so she thinks). So I don't think he's doing it because of guilt. Remember I first learned about her on his myspace page. I saw pics(not as many but a couple) of them then, but the live-in situation etc.. is what I found on fb. She's probably not as demanding as I am(morally). I'm not with the whole moving in together w/o marriage. Plus unlike her, I'm independent. I would be giving up being in my own place& packing myself&my sons up to move-in with him. Every smart woman knows that's not a good move w/o marriage.

 

So there you have it. He wants someone easy who will settle for whatever, in return he takes care of you. I'm not the easy type. And you are right... marriage or babies doesn't guarantee that anything is forever. Matter of fact, I've seen cases where it made it worse. So, I wish them the best. Honestly, I don't but it's just nice to say that I do.

Edited August 10, 2012 by lovejoy41

[lovejoy41]

ALSO,I had already told him I felt, so he knew. It wasn't like I was withholding information about my feelings and then got mad that he chose to be exclusive(or whatever you want to call what he's doing with this woman) with someone else. He knew how I felt and reassured me several times that he knew how I felt and that he would never string me along. Told me that those weren't his intentions. That's what I mean that I can't possibly list ALL of the story on here. This was a 5 year thing so, it's a lot more complex than me just banging a man who'd said that he didn't want a commitment.

Edited August 10, 2012 by lovejoy41

[UpwardForward]

Being together 1-1/2 yrs.. Even though he's introduced her to his family, I still can't see M, after such a long live-in arrangement. We'll see.

 

An example I can give of these men being w women for awhile and then all of a sudden marrying a short term R - would be Clint Eastwood. (And by the reality series, I'm not so certain That was a wise move).

[lovejoy41]

@Upward

 

You may be right. I have a friend/co-worker who has been with his gf for 9 years, they live together, and he still hasn't married her. Told me he's been thinking about it, but every time he's been close to going to buy her the ring she'll piss him off and it causes him to reconsider it. What an excuse right?! Btw, he's doing the same thing my guy was doing. He sleeps with other women. The only difference is that he told me that he tells the women that he is in a relationship upfront and they choose to still sleep with him. Like I said before, where is the "commitment" in this type of behavior? smh

 

I have thought about that though. Just like he used me until he could nail her, he could be doing the very same with her. Stringing her to have something to come home to while he still has his fun or until he's really ready for marriage. One time when we were out on a date he told me that I would make a good wife because I'm loyal, know how to communicate, I'm independent, and not all over the place with different men. IF he decides to get married I'm pretty sure that those are the type of qualities he's going to be looking for in a woman.

 

Anyway, thanks again for sharing your opinion. It has really helped me get a grip on all of this and I'm doing much better. Its been 1week since I got that text from him,(he hasn't made anymore contact nor have I) and 1month 1wk since I last saw him and I'm really strong. The tears are far and few between now. Thanks again Upward

[Forever Learning]

I'm a woman with integrity, a woman who knows what she deserves, and a woman who's strong enough to walk away.

 

I'm so proud of you. Keep up the 'no contact' and move on with your life. It is a process and it will take time for the hurt to dissipate. But you can do it. You deserve to have the kind of relationships you want in life, but you will have to create boundaries to make it happen. It sounds like you are on the right path. Keep busy and maintain and cultivate friendships with others to keep your mind off him. All the best to you!

[lovejoy41]

@Forever Learning

 

Thank you so much, I really need to hear that. My mom and sister have really been supporting me through this and so have a couple of "genuine" friends that I have. Everyday I get a little better, but I do have those moments when I think of him and miss him too. Not enough for me to break NC though. Sometimes I wonder if he's thinking abut me and times that we shared when we were so close. But you know what snaps me back into reality quick?

 

I remember that he's working everyday to support, going home to, lying down with, and waking up with ANOTHER WOMAN, NOT ME. I remember all of the horrible things he said when I confronted him about her & how awful it made me feel. It sounds crazy, but if you need help getting over a bad B/U don't dwell on the good times but remember what they said or did that hurt you & caused the B/U. It speeds up the process! My mother actually gave that advice but note, I said this helps with getting over a "BAD B/U". It's sad, but believe it or not it did help me get over other bad B/U's in my past& is helping me get over this one as well. Thank you so much for your support Forever Learning

Edited August 11, 2012 by lovejoy41

[UpwardForward]

@Upward

 

You may be right. I have a friend/co-worker who has been with his gf for 9 years, they live together, and he still hasn't married her. Told me he's been thinking about it, but every time he's been close to going to buy her the ring she'll piss him off and it causes him to reconsider it. What an excuse right?! Btw, he's doing the same thing my guy was doing. He sleeps with other women. The only difference is that he told me that he tells the women that he is in a relationship upfront and they choose to still sleep with him. Like I said before, where is the "commitment" in this type of behavior? smh

 

I have thought about that though. Just like he used me until he could nail her, he could be doing the very same with her. Stringing her to have something to come home to while he still has his fun or until he's really ready for marriage. One time when we were out on a date he told me that I would make a good wife because I'm loyal, know how to communicate, I'm independent, and not all over the place with different men. IF he decides to get married I'm pretty sure that those are the type of qualities he's going to be looking for in a woman.

 

Anyway, thanks again for sharing your opinion. It has really helped me get a grip on all of this and I'm doing much better. Its been 1week since I got that text from him,(he hasn't made anymore contact nor have I) and 1month 1wk since I last saw him and I'm really strong. The tears are far and few between now. Thanks again Upward

 

I'm going to say, you probably haven't heard the last of him.

 

Continue to enhance your life, until you do. Anything that may strengthen you. i.e. exercise, further education toward an interest or hobby, finishing projects .. Creativity.

 

I think you're doing great after such a short period.

[Leigh 87]

Women who gush about their relationships on facebook are almost always in a one sides relationship! The only exceptions are the men who are ALSO equally as gushy!

I am sure he never responded to her posts about " them" with any lovey remarks.. Meaning she is just so happy with him and has to yell it out, when he is not on the same page.

 

He may change for the right women; you and her are not it. When a guy is truly in love, he would not be able to have another women on the side; so not only is he a pretty sh*tty person, in what he does to women without any regard for other peoples feelings, but even with the right women, he might not be ready for change.

 

Sometimes the right women will make low lifes like him change, as they are so overwhelmed with true feelings, they are compelled to try anything for that women. Or, they may pull away.

One thing is for certain, though: with the right women, he would either change for her, or walk away.. her would not string her along the way he did to you....

 

It is EASY to find people who you get along well with, enjoy being around, and are sexually attracted to, without them being " the one" for you....

It looks like this guy has just not found the right girl for him, and therefore just settles for girls he may LIKE a lot, but are not special enough for him to commit to.

 

Don't beat yourself up! Men like this often REALLY do like the women they string along.... They might think VERY highly of you, and really enjoy your relationship!

Let me re hash again: REALLY enjoying and caring a lot about a women, does not equate to true love.

I am sure some of these guys DO believe they like you as much as they CAN like any women; they just have not met the right women, and therfore do not know what it is supposed to be like when you really love a women.

 

I do hope more men AND women for that matter, learn sooner rather than later if the person they are dating is marriage or " rest of their life" material... rather than just liking someone a lot, but not feeling ay desire to commit for the long haul.

[Leigh 87]

And it's good you opted for no contact with this loser... He lacks integrity. Even if he was a little clueless as to what true love, I think MOST men just KNOW when something is " up".. such as when the girl is more into them, then they are into her...

 

I would not even want to be friends with a person who had fun with people who clearly liked them, all the while knowing they were not head over heals in love them.

[lovejoy41]

@Upward My oldest son said the same thing! HA! As many times as we've fought in the past over petty stuff it wouldn't surprise me either. Why? Because I would back off for a month and then break contact and reach out then we would go out again. smh Ugh, I was pathetic. This time though I turned down his little night out invite& ignored his text after 1 month. Soooo, that should tell him something. I'm controlling this situation & I've got to look out for my own happiness because he surely isn't. I've had it with being an "option" to him! He can find another woman that's ok with that if that's what he wants. So if he has something terribly important to say to me, he can say it via text or v/m. And honestly if it's not a sincere apology, he can keep it. I believe in forgiveness and accepting apologies, but there's nothing in stone that says that I have to have anymore dealings with you even IF I do forgive you. So, NC it is for me!

 

Believe it or not, I haven't worked out in 3 weeks and I've lost 7 pounds! But it's most likely due to stress. This man isn't the only thing I'm having trouble with right now but I'll be ok. I pray a lot & study the bible so it's God who gets the credit for helping me get through this so quickly. And remember I just came out of a divorce 5 years ago with a man who was a loser, so taking crap off of ANY man who means me no good will not be tolerated.

 

@Leigh Exactly! Here's the thing. He does not have a fb page. He only has a myspace page so he has no idea what she's putting on fb until I go to him and confront him about it. Even when I told him all he would say is,"I can't tell people what to put on their page" so he only knows what she's putting up when I tell him. That probably explains why she does it. She knows that he won't see it nor will he even care who does. That's why all of the women that he's seeing outside of her are only "friends". He's covering his a** that way. This way when a female confronts him about her(if they're lucky enough to see her on fb like I was) he can say that famous phrase "I can't tell people what to post on their page") or his infamous "I don't care". Even told me that I should post pics of me & him(being sarcastic) on my fb page and see what happens. This fool knows that I only have like 1 pic of us(my bday 2010) together and she has (it seems) like hundreds which clearly shows you who he was around the most.

 

I told him that he has no regard for people's feelings. And I knew then that I wouldn't even want to be his friend. I can't even be friends with people who have no moral conscience in how they treat others. To me the way he handled this spoke volumes about his character& another male platonic friend of mine said the same thing. It doesn't take a man 5 years to figure out whether or not he loves a woman. It shouldn't take long for him recognize when he has found "THE ONE". Because if you are, you will stand out amongst the others he's dated or is dating. So much so to where it won't take long for him to decide that he DOES NOT want to share you with anyone else. So, I agree. He knows that he doesn't want a future with me. He just doesn't have the balls to say so and like Upward said previously, "Why tell me"? He knew that would've terminated his "BENEFITS" with me. As I stated in a previous post, it's not like he didn't know how I felt either. He knew that I was in love with him. He told me that I was more than a friend(a lie), and during one of our "sessions"( a moment that he knew I'd be@my weakest) he asked and I foolishly blurted out that I did love him. Honestly, I think being a whoremonger is just in him and he won't ever change and I say that because that's why his ex divorced him because of him having a affair. I told him the only person he's hurting in all of this is himself, not me. I think he'll be one of these men who will look up, will be 45 or 50 years old, and will realize that he is alone. He's going to want a good woman/wife & will not be able to find one because of his previous lifestyle. In other words, he's gonna meet that b**ch called karma.

 

You are very right about the fact that you don't string a woman that you love. I said the same thing about me & her. He doesn't love me because he wouldn't have played me, and he surely doesn't love her because even if she has met the parents and lives with him he wouldn't be out cheating behind her back. He would be 100% committed. As a matter of fact, it's her whom I feel sorry for because once his little fiasco is exposed to her it's gonna hurt her more than me. All of this living together and meeting the parents is just another act on his behalf to make himself APPEAR to be a good man when he's really not. So you're right , he may "like" both of us but you know what? I'm not looking for a man who'll just "like" me. I'm looking for a man who will "love" me. So screw him & his counterfeit version because I don't want it. Sex and Fun is just that, AND it's temporary or at least until one or the other gets bored with it. I'm just glad that I was the one who dumped him& not the one who got dumped. I hope that this post amongst others on here will be encouraging to any women/men out there in this type of situation. If they can't recognize your worth, YOU recognize it and walk away!

 

Thanks again Leigh & Upward for your positive and encouraging comments!

Edited August 12, 2012 by lovejoy41

[Leigh 87]

I am SO proud of you, lovejoy41!

 

It is REALLY hard for a LOT of women to see it for what it truly is! Seriously, so many women come on here and WONDER why the guy they are " seeing", or sadly, even in an official relationship" with, will not commit after 3 years, and lies and cheats on them. Because the guy may genuinely like these women, and treat them well enough, they would rather hold onto a gu who they love, seeing as he makes them happy enough on the surface.

 

If a guy treats you well superficially, and you love him, a lot of women rather think it is just" them" and not the fact they are not the right women for them. Like the man in the scenaio - why would EITHER parties leave; the man gets what he wants without committment, and the women gets a man she loves who treats her pretty well, albiet without knowing if she is the one for him.

 

It is SO good that YOU at least see that after a year or more, a guy should KNOW if he is crazy about a girl, and into her enough to not even THINK about other women. My boyfriend thinks about porn, models, actresses, and hot women in general still, and not just me sexually... but he cannot imagine himself with anyone else, and thinks it is really pointless to have a relationship with a girl you would cheat on.

 

I feel SO sorry for this girl!!! There she is, going on and on about her wonderful " boyfriend" and thinking they are all loved up, and posting pictures and the works.... all the while, this guy just thinks she is a great girl but no one he would spend the rest of his life with"... Just some girl who he likes enough to have fun with for now.

 

I learnt that the guy has to LIKE the notion of a future and lifetime together with you! EVEN if they are young, and do not believe that anything is for certain, i.e, that they will " definately" be together for ever, as things change... They at least have to LOVE the idea of being with you forever, the idea should up lift them, not be something they hate the idea of or are unsure about.....

 

Some relationships are quicker than others to progress to the point of marriage and a life partnership; I was really under developed in my personality, so it took over a year to come into my own as a person; but as soon as he knew me truly, we both knew we loved the idea of being together for the rest of our lives. Although we know nothing is for certain - people can change in even the best of relationships. BUt the idea is lovely to us.....

 

I think though, that within 2 years, a guy should know if they would love a life together, with a girl....

 

 

 

What is really sad about this situation, is that he is happy, but he is picing women he is not 100% into, and does not truly love, and therefore he is only experiencing semy contentment in his relationships...

Where as if he WAITED for the right women, and simply had casual encounters ot get him by until then, he would get to feel what love really is, which GREAT, and makes most people FAR happier than " a nice arrangement with a person you like a lot, but are not soul mate, or true love material"

[lovejoy41]

So very true Leigh! That's exactly why I had been in it for 5 years! I had that "something is better than nothing" mentality and he was doing just enough to keep me happy. As I stated in a previous post, men that I dealt with in my past(my ex husband included) never spent money on me, took me out, opened a car door for me, or even picked me up to take me out. So this is where he really got me. He had money ,he had charm, and he is very attractive. Basically to a woman like myself who'd had so many losers in my past he was the whole package(so I thought). That is what made me easy prey for him.

 

I do think that he is damaged. I heard the story about the ex, the g/f before her, and I heard a lot about his childhood which was not a good one. So, yes he has a lot of underlying issues that probably has a lot to do with his behavior(even though I don't excuse it). Based on what he shared with me regarding his childhood, he has issues which I think he should seek therapy for. Yeah it's that bad. smh But until he wants to change and experience what true love is, there's nothing much I can do for him. He won't seek help or change until he realizes that what he's doing is wrong and right now he doesn't. It's going to take time & of course him reaping what he has sown. He's enjoying destroying the hearts of these women. As for the women or at least her, yeah I pray for her. IMO, I think that he was probably off and on with her the whole time he was seeing me.

 

So that would mean he's been playing her for 4 or 5 years as well. Soooo, like I said it's gonna be a lot worse for her. She's also given him her heart and also has to depend on him to support her. So what's worse than finding out this man's playing you and you're living with him & planning a future with him.(refer to my post where she posted on fb about having a child, another house, etc...) I'm relieved that I'm not her. Hurt that I was deceived but nonetheless relieved. I'm sooo happy that you've found the love of your life. I look forward to meeting mine.

Edited August 13, 2012 by lovejoy41

[lovejoy41]

So very true Leigh! That's exactly why I had been in it for 5 years! I had that "something is better than nothing" mentality and he was doing just enough to keep me happy. As I stated in a previous post, men that I dealt with in my past(my ex husband included) never spent money on me, took me out, opened a car door for me, or even picked me up to take me out. So this is where he really got me. He had money, a home of his own, a car with all of the accessories, charm, and he is very attractive. Basically to a woman like myself who'd had so many losers in my past, he was the whole package(so I thought) & that is what made me easy prey for him.

 

I do think that he is damaged and has tons of issues now that I see it clearly. I heard the story about the ex, the g/f before her, and I heard a lot about his childhood which was not a good one. So, yes he has a lot of underlying issues that probably have a lot to do with his behavior(not that I excuse it); issues that I think require therapy. Yeah it's that bad, but until he wants to change and experience what true love is there's nothing much I can do but pray for him. As for the women or at least her, yeah I'm gonna pray for her too because she obviously can't support herself and NEEDS this man to validate herself. Honestly, I think that he may have been in an off and on relationship with her the whole time he was seeing me.

 

So that would mean he's been playing her for 4 or 5 years as well. Soooo, like I said it's gonna be a lot worse for her. She's given him her heart and also has to depend on him to support her. So what's worse than finding out that your bf has been playing you while you're living with him & planning a future with him.(refer to my post where she posted on fb about having a child, another house, etc...) I'm relieved that I'm not her. I'm hurt that I was deceived, but nonetheless relieved. I have every reason to hold my head high because I DUMPED HIM!!! Anyway, I'm really happy that you've found the love of your life. It gives me hope that TRUE LOVE DOES EXIST! I look forward to meeting my true love.

Edited August 13, 2012 by lovejoy41

[Leigh 87]

I love how your so self aware. You know you were just making do with a man who waas not the deal deal for you, yet was so good in comparison to all those losers of the past.....

 

A lot of women just are not like this, and they do not see it for what it is. Again, what makes it hard, is that the guy CAN very well like them, and therefore it is not always a case of the guy actually THINKING " oh well, she is not good enough for me, I will wait until somethig better comes along"... No, the guy can actually like the girl, yet without it being true love.

 

And thanks, me and my partner did not think it was the real deal at first, long story haha... Like your 5 year guy in this thread, I had issues from childhood and throughout my life, anddid not show my true colours or come into my own, until over a year with Andrew. THEN it all made sense:)

 

At least he did not stay with me because he thought he would have fun with me until he found better; there was at least something there that made the thought of cheating repulsive, even though I had not developed enough as a person to show who I was, or know who I was myself ( and when I did, it just worked as though we had known each other forever)

 

What I am getting at, is with propper love, at least in my opinion, if one person has deap seated issues, as I did and am still working on... True love can be in the air, even if, say, a person is under developed like I was. You still have that special feeling about them, even if you barly know them enough to logically know if our " right" for each other.

 

In your guys case, even when he does find the right women, he probably will not know how to handle it. Or, maybe he will want to change. I am not sure how it goes with guys like him, when they DO find the " right women".

...................I do not think he would string her along though, if it was real love... I think he would rather be miffed and afraid, but then again I have no idea and am just guessing.....

 

I DO think though, when he meets the right girl, he will not be able to string her along for so long.. it would hurt too much, lying and hurting a person you TRULY love.. he would, at the very least, wake up to himself, and either RUN out of fear, or change for her. He would not string her along with other girls on the side, that is for sure. It is not possible to do that for a person you truly love.

 

It does not sound like ou have ever experienced real love, sadly, but your so positive and wonderful about it all, I love your attitude! That the best is yet to come, and your excited about it!

The best thing about your age, is that a lot of guys know MORE about themselves and relationships, than say, 20 somethings do..And are therefore more likely to KNOW what the real deal is, and will not bother with a girl who does not meet their needs, and is not long term material.. Unles they are looking for something casual in general.

 

Good luck with it all though, I really feel so bad for him and that girl, neither of them have true love, I wonder if on some level they both know it? Maybe people CAN be deluded and fooled?