sdonna Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 I am heartbroken. I thought my husbands mistress had broken up with him in an email I found a couple of weeks ago. But they're in touch again! I recently found out that they've been carrying on for FOUR years, on and off, 8 break-ups. A few weeks ago he emailed her to get together, apologizing. She turned him down telling him she would always love him but to forget what they had bc she'd try to do the same!! He never said he loved her in emails at least. She seemed to be doing it for the 1st time in the email I read. Then a couple of days ago she emails him saying she heard rumors about his company ( they worked together before the affair), got worried about him and hoped everything would turn out well and his job would be safe. AND he wrote her back trying to make her feel better!!!! Thanking her for thinking of him, saying he thought everything would be fine, etc.!!! Question: he had always maintained in other emails that they were only sex?! He doesn't know that I know.* If someone is just sex, and they tell you they love you, wouldn't you ignore them? Does it mean it's serious for him if he didn't ignore her and tried to make her less worried?!* Yes, I'll confront him, but his feelings about her matter to me!! Sorry, but they do.
BetrayedH Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 I am heartbroken. I thought my husbands mistress had broken up with him in an email I found a couple of weeks ago. But they're in touch again! I recently found out that they've been carrying on for FOUR years, on and off, 8 break-ups. A few weeks ago he emailed her to get together, apologizing. She turned him down telling him she would always love him but to forget what they had bc she'd try to do the same!! He never said he loved her in emails at least. She seemed to be doing it for the 1st time in the email I read. Then a couple of days ago she emails him saying she heard rumors about his company ( they worked together before the affair), got worried about him and hoped everything would turn out well and his job would be safe. AND he wrote her back trying to make her feel better!!!! Thanking her for thinking of him, saying he thought everything would be fine, etc.!!! Question: he had always maintained in other emails that they were only sex?! He doesn't know that I know.* If someone is just sex, and they tell you they love you, wouldn't you ignore them? Does it mean it's serious for him if he didn't ignore her and tried to make her less worried?!* Yes, I'll confront him, but his feelings about her matter to me!! Sorry, but they do. 4 years. Of course he's said ILY. A millions times. Just not in the emails you read recently because they are "trying" to break it off again. Get outta there. Better yet, get him outta there. Pack his stuff, leave it on the lawn, change the locks, and tell her to come pick him up. 3
GLDheart Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 It sounds like you are ok with him having "just sex" with her. Well, now you know. He cares about her more than just sex... In fact, unless you're drop dead gorgeous (and no gaurantee even then) it's pretty tough to have a woman want to sleep with you long term. Confronting him will only have him minimize everything. He simply will tell you what you want to hear. My question to you: What WOULD it take for it to be a deal breaker? 2
Author sdonna Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 No dates, dinner, etc. they only had sex twice, and only sex, which I found out about when they described only doing it twice in emails they did not know I could read. How could he love her? Is time alone enough to prove his feelings?
Author sdonna Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 No, it's bc if it's only sex, I could rebuild our marriage. But if he loves her? I don't think I can forgive that. I know it doesn't make sense.
2sure Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Am I wrong or are you saying that your H is unaware that you know he has had an affair at all?
BetrayedH Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 No dates, dinner, etc. they only had sex twice, and only sex, which I found out about when they described only doing it twice in emails they did not know I could read. How could he love her? Is time alone enough to prove his feelings? I guess I am really confused. How is it possible to have a four year affair and only have sex twice? Maybe if it is long distance. And if that's the case, their affair was most certainly emotional. But you are closer to the scenario. Maybe you can elaborate? 1
Author sdonna Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 No, it wasn't long distance! I don't know what they said on the phone, but in emails, either he would back out or she would for almost 2 years, from the timeline I could weave together. Then it only happened twice according to them.
2sure Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Oh crap. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Many of us are and will be here for you. You dont have to make sense, how could you possibly right now. You are doing the right thing in one way...by finding out the answers before asking the questions. It's completely natural for a woman to be much more concerned about an affair that included love, rather than just sex. A long term affair has to have an emotional element...or it isn't long term. And the L word.? It's often just that..a word. Not this moment, but soon you are going to have to find out if your husband wants to keep his marriage enough to do some very heavy lifting. Is the ow married? 1
Author sdonna Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 This is why I think it's impossible for him to have feelings or whatever you want to call it. Why is he still chasing her - just a few weeks ago - when there's only been sex twice?!
2sure Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 And you said in your title that he was cheating...AGAIN. As in same woman or a different affair?
Author sdonna Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 Thank you so much. It feels so good to get feedback on this. Yes, she's married with one child, a toddler I think. We have 2. Same woman... 8 break ups I could find... I suspect 2 other affairs, though, before her. Never could prove it.
GLDheart Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 SDonna, I can't tell you what is right for you and your children. But, If it was me in your shoes. I would gather all of the evidence that you have silently. Prepare in secret an "escape plan" (family to stay with etc.) I would shake up his world so fast he wouldn't have ground to stand on. Hit him with Divorce paperwork, Child support Motions, and Take the kids away and let him fight to establish visitation etc. If he wants this lifestyle, he can have the consequenses. Only then will you see what really matters to him. I know this is alot to take in and is a tough road to take the first step on to... but you didn't ask for him to be an asshat. He is very selfishly abusing you and your children with his behavior. He is forcing you to make some tough choices. The guilt is on him. 1
BetrayedH Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 I'm sorry if I sound like I am harping on this. And I am sorry you find yourself here. I just don't see how it is possible to have a 4-year affair with sex only twice, no ILY's but 8 break-ups? What was there to break-up? There is a puzzle piece missing. Perhaps they've only had sex twice, this go-round? For what it is worth, you are being VERY smart by keeping your cards close. Your emotions will make you want to confront him. Once that happens, you can count on anything else you haven't found to be destroyed. As for forgiveness and reconciling, you have the cart way before the horse (which is a somewhat normal reaction). Wouldn't your forgiveness come AFTER he has confessed, apologized, shown remorse or made some kind of commitment to you? What about re-earning your trust? You're selling yourself way short. 2
Athena Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 I would shake up his world so fast he wouldn't have ground to stand on. Hit him with Divorce paperwork, Child support Motions, and Take the kids away and let him fight to establish visitation etc. While I agree with the shaking up his world tactic, I don't agree with punishing a father by keeping his children away from him, no matter if he is cheating or not. It is a very evil thing to do -- to keep a man's kids away from him, to punish him for being a poor husband. By all means, initially shake up his world if you like, but please do not do the 'withholding the children from him' long-term -- those children ARE EVERY BIT HIS AS THEY ARE YOURS. 5
2sure Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 SDonna....you don't have to prove he has been cheating . The only reason you feel you do is probably because...every time you have confronted him, he spends a lot of time and energy convincing you you must be nuts. Well, it worked. You can't be sure he is cheating until you can ...what...prove it to HIM? I know you have to do this right now. But you are perfectly intelligent enough to know that you have been betrayed without getting your husbands approval to think it. Think about that when you can. It's called gaslighting. 2
GLDheart Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 While I agree with the shaking up his world tactic, I don't agree with punishing a father by keeping his children away from him, no matter if he is cheating or not. It is a very evil thing to do -- to keep a man's kids away from him, to punish him for being a poor husband. By all means, initially shake up his world if you like, but please do not do the 'withholding the children from him' long-term -- those children ARE EVERY BIT HIS AS THEY ARE YOURS. Athena, you are absolutely right. My wording does make it sound like I meant withold them for an extended time. Thank you for clarifying. I meant to say let him go the whole "established visitation schedule" route. But yes, do not withold the children in the meantime. Punishing the children is damaging to them. I truly hate parents that put kids in the middle of this crap... it's how the cycle continues and they become the next generation of damaged people doing damaging things. 3
frozensprouts Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Op, sorry you are in such a bad place right now...it really hurts i know it's hard to know what to do, but may I offer you some advice? before you make any big decicions, gather all the information that you feel you need...speak to a lawyer about your options...you don't need to act on his advice, but at least you'll have the information you need to start making informed choices about your future...if you have any evidence of the affair on your home computer, forward copies of it to a web based email address ( gmail, hotmail, whatever) so tat you an access it from wherever you may be if and when you need it ( as long as you have internet access, it will be available). find a good friend you really trust and confide in them.Take as much time as you feel you need to come to a decision about what you want to do, and , should reconciliation be on the table. make your plans for what you think it needs to look like and what you need from him before you even let him know that you know about the cheating. When you feel you are ready, sit down and talk about it with him as calmly ad rationally as you can ( but if you need to 'blow up or melt down, that's okay too). Let him now he has this one chance to be truthful and honest, but don't let him know everything you know.Hear his side, and compare it with the information you already know...does it match up? After talking with him, give things a few days and see how you feel. Being well prepared beforehand will give you some of the strength you will need to make the decision that's right for you, and not to be manipulated by him- should he try to do so. I hope everything works out well for you one way or another...while reconciliation is great, it's sometimes just as great to walk away...doesn't mean you won't still love him, but rather it will mean that you love yourself and your children more and that you are willing to do what is best, whatever that may look like for you and your situation. you'll get through it...may not seem like it now, but you will... 5
j'adore Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 (edited) I have been having an affair for four years and I have broken up equal amount of times. In the last six months we have hardly had sex at all but it is because it had become so emotional and difficult. Romantic affairs are not about sex although it may have been that initially. One of the main priorities for him not leaving I always knew were his kids, albeit older children but still at home. It is for sure he was right as they have now stopped speaking to him after the BS told him about our conversation when I told her the truth. I would not use kids as a weapon as I am sure it would turn against you later. MM has already been in touch with me since our D Day last few days and I am sure he will have told her it's over for good and that he will not do that. I know now for sure he has been gaslighting both of us and continues to do so. He will not tell the truth unless I give video evidence, I know that now. But I have given her the truth, it is up to her now what she does with it. I am not sure of course if this is the same as your situation, I am giving you the other side possibly. But certainly 4 years, there will be feelings other than sex.. The last six months we have not actually been happy at all, but still seeing each other, with tears and sadness at the horrible limbo. Edited August 4, 2012 by j'adore
Silly_Girl Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 I would shake up his world so fast he wouldn't have ground to stand on. Hit him with Divorce paperwork, Child support Motions, and Take the kids away and let him fight to establish visitation etc. NO. Unless the kids are in danger from their father I consider this tantamount to child abuse. I assume you don't have children GLD, but when their world would already be turned upside down, to grieve the loss of a parent unnecessarily is just tragic. Please, don't give advice like this. Children should never be used as a pawn in a grown-up's game. 1
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 NO. Unless the kids are in danger from their father I consider this tantamount to child abuse. I assume you don't have children GLD, but when their world would already be turned upside down, to grieve the loss of a parent unnecessarily is just tragic. Please, don't give advice like this. Children should never be used as a pawn in a grown-up's game. Totally agree. Unless someone is abusing their kids and is mentally unfit to be a parent, taking away kids from one parent for full custody and no visitation is just selfish and plain cruel. The ones suffering and hurting the most are the kids.
GLDheart Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 NO. Unless the kids are in danger from their father I consider this tantamount to child abuse. I assume you don't have children GLD, but when their world would already be turned upside down, to grieve the loss of a parent unnecessarily is just tragic. Please, don't give advice like this. Children should never be used as a pawn in a grown-up's game. I guess you read selectively. Look up a few posts. My words were poorly chosen and NOT the message I meant to send. I DID Clarify: Athena, you are absolutely right. My wording does make it sound like I meant withold them for an extended time. Thank you for clarifying. I meant to say let him go the whole "established visitation schedule" route. But yes, do not withold the children in the meantime. Punishing the children is damaging to them. I truly hate parents that put kids in the middle of this crap... it's how the cycle continues and they become the next generation of damaged people doing damaging things.
Silly_Girl Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 I guess you read selectively. Look up a few posts. My words were poorly chosen and NOT the message I meant to send. I DID Clarify: I read your post and replied to your post. I wasn't being selective. I did see you later did a 180 though.
GLDheart Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 I read your post and replied to your post. I wasn't being selective. I did see you later did a 180 though. I stand by my 180. As a non-custodial parent the Visitation Schedule and not having your kids at home is a HUGE wake up call for some men. It sadly is the consequence of breaking up a family. Cheating is obviously a deal breaker for most and leads to the broken home. When faced with ALL of the consequences a man may "see the light". This is not meant to "use" the children in some reprhensible fashion. It is simply the reality of the broken home. Waywards NEED that reality check in my opinion. For cheating women, I'm sure there is another negative side of the broken home that women face, but as a man I defer to the women for that perspective. 1
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