I caved. Now what?

[Rhodes]

Began seeing this man who was a friend, but not a really close one. Been divorced for five years. He says he didn't want relationship. We still had sex. Actually for 5 months. We only get in contact every 2 to 3 weeks...and occasionally through fb or a quick txt. He considers me a "closer" friend now and enjoys our time spent.

 

I began growing closer and he got farther by becoming a bit distant. I asked him about another close female friend of his bc I had my suspicians, he admitted he has had sex with her too. He talks to her often but she lives an hour away. I know he doesn't see her very much because of his schedule and his kid but they still communicate quite a bit. He has known her about 2 yrs. And he mentioned at the onset of us hooking up, that there was a chance their relationship could become more. But never told me that it did. He still maintains that he is not ready for a relationship. To give me what I need. And not with her either because of distance. He is embarking on a new career and really struggles with accepting himself.

 

I told him I was getting out of his life, that I was merely and eff buddy and it was all about sex. And he said no that he cared about me and would rather us stay friends... that we were not just about sex. But he can't give me the time I needed nor be at my beckon call. So I still got angry and backed off. For two weeks. Then came his medical issue so we began texting a small amount, mostly based on his condition. I waved a white flag and asked if we could start over as friends. A do over. We agreed.

 

Another week went by. No texting. Then, I decided to get brave enough to try out a mere friendship dinner with him. We hadn't seen each other in nearly two months now. Well, dinner went well! He opened up to me about his loved ones and life in general. It was all well until he walked me to my car. We started talking about old times and laughing at our sexcapades. And he began getting closer. And we kissed. Total passion. We have such great chemisty... He told me several times that he didn't need to do this, but wanted me. He wanted to have sex with me so badly. He didn't understand what it was about me. He said he did not understand why he couldn't be with me and not do what we do... We went back to my place like two old souls. Had great intimate sex, cuddled...and talked. And now he will shut down again. I may never hear from again. I just can't tell.

 

I have never met anyone so tormented to not fall in love. It's there with us. The chemistry. But he keeps me at arms length and I can't figure out why. Why doesn't he "need to" be with me. I can only guess that he thinks having sex with me will only hurt me. He acts like he is so afraid that he is going to hurt me in a relationship. Like he doesn't trust himself.

 

This is so hard. I feel like I am stuck. I can't walk away, but yet I can't break down the wall. He has a special needs daughter...and that weighs heavily on his mind. She is his world.

Edited August 4, 2012 by Rhodes

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Rhodes, you never ever sleep with a man you really like when he tells you he doesn't want a relationship. Now if it's a man you are attracted to and don't want to date? Yeah, you could do that. But a man that you have some little spark of interest in is only going to grow with sex in most cases.

 

When a man tells you, he doesn't want a relationship. Believe him. This man sounds like a mess juggling two women for his own needs while not really giving you anything you really want. Other then sex. But obviously from your post, sex isn't enough.

 

This man isn't "tormented to not fall in love". He doesn't care about falling in love with you. I am not trying to sound harsh because I really feel for you but you are attention way too much romanticism to him and not listening to his words OR judging his actions. This is not a man that is trying to fight his love for you. This is a man that likes you enough to have sex, may very well be very attracted to you, but all he wants is sex. He is not your friend. Openning your door and asking about your loved ones doesn't mean he is your friend or that he even respects you. It means he knows what to do to get you soft and vunerable to open up to him to have sex.

 

He keeps you at arms length because he doesn't really want you. He isn't afraid that he will hurt you in a relationship. Men that are afraid to hurt you in relationships won't even ahve sex with you from day one. He trusts himself just fine. He just doesn't want you for a relationship.

 

This is a really unhealthy situation. You need to walk away for your own well being. Yes, you can break down the wall and walk away from him. You don't need to be his prisoner. I am sure his situation is unique with a special needs daughter but being a good father doesn't equal to being a good mate for a woman all the time. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

 

Please walk away from this man. He is using you. He is not your friend.

[MrNate 2.0]

Hm. Sounds like he's getting what he needs, but you're not.

 

I have never met anyone so tormented to not fall in love. It's there with us. The chemistry. But he keeps me at arms length and I can't figure out why. Why doesn't he "need to" be with me. I can only guess that he thinks having sex with me will only hurt me. He acts like he is so afraid that he is going to hurt me in a relationship. Like he doesn't trust himself.

 

This is so hard. I feel like I am stuck. I can't walk away, but yet I can't break down the wall. He has a special needs daughter...and that weighs heavily on his mind. She is his world.

 

I'd re-examine that.

[TaraMaiden]

Rhodes, you never ever sleep with a man you really like when he tells you he doesn't want a relationship. Now if it's a man you are attracted to and don't want to date? Yeah, you could do that. But a man that you have some little spark of interest in is only going to grow with sex in most cases.

 

When a man tells you, he doesn't want a relationship. Believe him. This man sounds like a mess juggling two women for his own needs while not really giving you anything you really want. Other then sex. But obviously from your post, sex isn't enough.

 

This man isn't "tormented to not fall in love". He doesn't care about falling in love with you. I am not trying to sound harsh because I really feel for you but you are attention way too much romanticism to him and not listening to his words OR judging his actions. This is not a man that is trying to fight his love for you. This is a man that likes you enough to have sex, may very well be very attracted to you, but all he wants is sex. He is not your friend. Openning your door and asking about your loved ones doesn't mean he is your friend or that he even respects you. It means he knows what to do to get you soft and vunerable to open up to him to have sex.

 

He keeps you at arms length because he doesn't really want you. He isn't afraid that he will hurt you in a relationship. Men that are afraid to hurt you in relationships won't even ahve sex with you from day one. He trusts himself just fine. He just doesn't want you for a relationship.

 

This is a really unhealthy situation. You need to walk away for your own well being. Yes, you can break down the wall and walk away from him. You don't need to be his prisoner. I am sure his situation is unique with a special needs daughter but being a good father doesn't equal to being a good mate for a woman all the time. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

 

Please walk away from this man. He is using you. He is not your friend.

 

I have to quote this in its entirety, for Truth.

Sad though it is, it's absolutely right on the nail.

[FitChick]

If he was really your friend, he wouldn't ask for sex, knowing how you feel.

 

If you were really just his friend, you wouldn't give it to him.

[SJC2008]

He is not using her and she is not a "victim". He told her he wasn't looking for an r and she still had sex with him, engaging in casual sex. Hell he even told you things may progress with another woman and you continued to sleep with him. He was 100% cards on the table and you "hoped" for more. Stop seeing him, the longer you do the more hurt you're goig to be.

[FitChick]

There are no victims, only volunteers.

[kaylan]

He is not using her and she is not a "victim". He told her he wasn't looking for an r and she still had sex with him, engaging in casual sex. Hell he even told you things may progress with another woman and you continued to sleep with him. He was 100% cards on the table and you "hoped" for more. Stop seeing him, the longer you do the more hurt you're goig to be.

This exactly.

 

He doesnt see you as someone he can fall for OP.

 

Move on.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

He is not using her and she is not a "victim". He told her he wasn't looking for an r and she still had sex with him, engaging in casual sex. Hell he even told you things may progress with another woman and you continued to sleep with him. He was 100% cards on the table and you "hoped" for more. Stop seeing him, the longer you do the more hurt you're goig to be.

 

I'm tired of all this "victim" talk. It's like people are more eager to prove someone the victim or do disprove them the victim with the misguided mentality that that is how the person sees themselves to begin with. I see a person in the OP who made a mistake and is asking for help. She hasn't asked you to feel sorry for her or take pity on her. She is hurting. She isn't playing the victim. I don't get the point and desire for people to establish "victimhood" or rail against it with a person who cleary is hurting and just needs some help.

 

And he isn't being 100% either. He is telling her enough "honest" stuff so that he doesn't feel that he needs to be accountable for his actions while stringing her along with enough "nice" stuff that makes her second guess his motivations. It's a game I've seen a lot of men play time an time again. It allows them to wiggle out of responsbility despit the mind games they play along the way. Lets at least be hoenst that he isn't being 100% fair to her. That he appears to have some game playing. He knew how she felt, she expressed it too him, yet he still pursued her for sex only. A different kind of man could have said, "Okay, she is developing real feelings for me, We can't sleep together anymore."

 

Today, it's very popular to say, "he was honest, it's her own fault." while I don't dispute her responsbility in sleeping with a man she initially already liked who told her he didn't want a relationship, he is infact, using her. He knows she wants more. He is stringing her along just enough to make her second guess herself.

 

I think she has some responsbiliy in this too. I don't think she is playing the victim though and I don't think this man is a 100% kosher or "honest".

[Disenchantedly Yours]

There are no victims, only volunteers.

 

Does that stand for everyone FitChick? Even a man or woman that beats their spouce? Clearly someone that lets them be hurt by another person needs help. I just don't see teh point in blaming the person being beat down over the person who is actually doing the beating. I don't really get the idea that there are no victims, only volunteers. It ignores the people that are actually the ones taking advantage of the situation. It would appear to me that both sides need help in different areas.

[Chunky]

Stop letting him use you. You deserve someone who LOVES you! This is a man using you for sex and telling you things to string you along. Tell him to get lost!

[SJC2008]

I'm tired of all this "victim" talk. It's like people are more eager to prove someone the victim or do disprove them the victim with the misguided mentality that that is how the person sees themselves to begin with.

 

And he isn't being 100% either. He is telling her enough "honest" stuff so that he doesn't feel that he needs to be accountable for his actions while stringing her along with enough "nice" stuff that makes her second guess his motivations.

 

I think she has some responsbiliy in this too. I don't think she is playing the victim though and I don't think this man is a 100% kosher or "honest".

 

#1. The victim statement was guided toward you not her because I felt you portrayed her as a victim IMO because you said he used her. How does "I'm not looking for an r" + them having sex= him using her???

 

#2. He isn't being honest? 'I'm not looking for an r' 'Things may be progressing with ANOTHER woman' 'I want to have sex with you so bad'. Yeah he sure led her on, he'll if I was the woman Ida thought I found the one!!!

 

#3. You think she has some responsibility? If that some responsibility to you is 50% then you are correct.

 

She's a grown woman who had sex with a man who said he isn't looking for a relationship and she still had sex with him. Like all the fwb post here someone usually winds up getting hurt and it's her own fault for having sex with a man who was clear with his intentions.