Takecare Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Firstly, as a first time poster, I think it's very interesting how we find forums like these when things go wrong. Ok, I was in a relationship with my first love, literally the love of my life for almost 20 months. We had met in college and at first didn't really get on, but then after going on holiday with a group of friends a few years later, we hit it off and connected. Although it was my first relationship, I was very much hands on (unlike any of her other bf's, who let her wear the pants). The first 9 months went past flawlessly and it was amazing, we went on trips, became best friends, did everything together.... 13 months into the relationship (which had no issues whatsoever beforehand) she decides to go back to visit her home country for a few weeks. Almost after a week, she forgets about me. I thought there was a logical explanation and left it. 3 weeks in to her holiday, I felt that something was wrong - after logging into her Facebook, I saw that she was still in love with her first crush and telling others he's the one. I went through a heartbreak/shock period then, alone because I didn't want to tell someone and for her to find out through them. She came back in February and after confronting her, she went through a period of silence followed by LOADS of excuses to try and not talk about it. Many times she would randomly say things like 'Please break up with me' or 'I know you don't really love me' so she could be spared the guilt of breaking up with me. I didn't let her break up with me, I told her to get back into her normal mindframe first and then if she still wants to break up, she can. She promised after her final exams (June), she'd sort out the relationship. You can imagine, I spent that period from Feb to June helping her out with family/uni issues, being there for her all the time to the point where I put her in front of everything in my life. I thought maybe if I did that, she would realise how important I am and fall back in love with me. June came and she wouldn't talk at all, so I told her, after many warnings that we can't be anymore because I've spent the last couple of months hurting. After crying/telling me she could never get over me and drop-calling me non stop for a few days, I told her I would consider a second attempt - she came back saying she understood how it felt like to be left alone etc.. she was stupid and doesn't love her crush, just childhood memories and I'm definitely "the one". We decided to get the relationship back on track after she came back from the holiday she had booked. Again, after going on holiday - the first week was normal and then over the phone two weeks in, tells me she's still in love with her crush and is planning on marrying him in the future, said in a 'Im so sorry, i hope one day you can forgive me' tone. Then, she asks to be friends. I, to save myself from doing anything stupid, wrote her a "thanks for everything but I have to leave what was, behind" whatsapp, and blocked her. It's been a week so far NC and it is hard, very hard, but I am coping. The question is, when she comes back - would it be suitable to break the NC rule to see her in person and call the relationship off or was my message enough? I feel like I sometimes struggle to get past it because I feel like it wasn't properly broken off. My birthday is in two weeks and I'm not sure what to do if she decides to phone me to talk, I don't want to seem rude yet I don't want to hurt more. Thank you.
JesseMartin Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I think you did the right thing, now it's time to stick to it. You're saying, you don't want to come across as rude. As an outsider, reading your story, I can tell you, she treated you like crap. I wouldn't worry for a SECOND about coming across as rude. But I do think that illustrates a theme in your behavior. You also mentioned you put her above anything else in your life. Here's the thing tho. No one likes that. That kind of behavior, although well intended (I know, I've done it too), registers as clingy, suffocating and wimpy. Women want autonomous, independent guys. They want a rock they can hold on to in stormy weather. They DON'T want someone that values them above themselves. In reality, that's a form of insecurity and now is the perfect time to explore that and come to understand yourself better.
chrisusarmy2005 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Its really hard to deal with something like that. I know how you feel. My ex and I were together for 4 yrs. Its hard to let someone you care so much about and love go. No matter what you will always care for her. With mine I went through everything with her, her gastric bypass surgery,gall bladder surgery and when she was in the hospital, i was by her side. Its hard to let go after you do so much for someone and they basically throw you out to dry. I feel for you.
Chi townD Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Dude, she did you wrong. She was stringing you along and once June came around and you served your purpose, she kicked you to the curb because she valued her "crush" more than you. And YOU don't want to come across as rude? Sorry, she had her chance and she stabbed you in the back. She wants her "crush" she can have him. Time to heal and move on. Complete NC, she made her choice, now she'll have to live with the consquences.
Author Takecare Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Thanks for the replies. Chrisusarmy, I feel for you - 4 years is a long time. I didn't see it that way, but I guess you are all right. I did think it was G.I.G.S at first but I don't think it matters anymore. I have been trying hard to keep NC, which I have successfully and for anyone in a similar situation, the more you 'accept' it is over and the other half have made their decision, the easier it is to stay away from contacting them. Also, it helped me to put all my thoughts down in a sketchbook until I could see that I was repeating the same thoughts on paper - then I stopped and put it away. Repeat etc... One way to get it out of the system I guess.
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