Ex-Boyfriend and other GUY both want to work it out when I get back from being to CA?

August 2, 2012

Ultimately, what do you think I should do?

Okay, here is an update to a situation I posted several months ago.

I was in a 6 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend (my only boyfriend EVER - i was 16 and he was 18 when we met and began dating). I ended up making out with another guy when HE was drunk and would not take no for an answer.

I told my boyfriend the next day right away. The other guy called me the next day wanting to "talk about it," etc so I went and asked him if what he wanted was a hook up, a friend, or something else? I was a little confused because when we had started spending time together on the day this happened I thought it was just a friend thing and I told him repeatedly I had a boyfriend/talked about him etc...

He said friends and see what happens, he was attracted to me etc. etc. I said I was attracted to him as well, but since it seemed like he didn't want anything serious I said sorry but I am going to work things out with my boyfriend and we could only be friends/this could never happen again etc etc. he said, "well let me know what happens."

My boyfriend initially was going to forgive me, but we ended up breaking up a few days later because we both needed time etc. (I had been asking for space/a break for a while because I felt like our relationship was going nowhere and he still had no desire to propose- I should have insisted upon it but I didn't and just stayed with him--- stupid and irresponsible on my part)

The guy called and began pursuing me more and when he did I told him I had broken up with my ex. We started hanging out and sometimes hooking up.

While we were hanging out I got to know that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend and that the last time he saw her (at a bar i might add), she refused to speak to him (and he subsequently got a DUI that night). This was just a few days before we hung out and he wanted to make out with me! (?)

They broke up a year ago because of a drunk text he had sent to one of his ex's friends saying that he didn't know why he was with his gf and that they should be together. (After hanging out with his gf the next day, he did not tell her - she heard it later from her friend first - and she subsequently broke up with him and moved all of her things out of his place). These two got back together for a little while a few months later, but then broke up again, and now she is out of state, coming back in a few weeks to finish up her master's degree.

The relationship between us became a friends with benefits thing. We would both talk about our exes and our problems and he wanted me to stay at his house all the time/meet all of his friends etc. I even called his ex's number trying to get her to talk with him (she will have nothing to do with him) (I really wanted to be helpful). I asked him up front what he wanted and he said he didn't know what he wanted --- at one point he said he felt that in his heart his ex would realize what they had and would come back. SO I was guarded even though I liked this guy A LOT. - i find him very hot and attractive in bed even though he is not a better lover than my ex - he is just more exciting and unpredictable etc.

In the meantime, my ex has his heart broken and is sending me letters and flowers saying he is sorry for everything he had ever done to me -- (a LOT of emotional, manipulative BULL****) because I blew up at him when he said what i had done was worse than anything he had ever done.

I had never done a goddam thing but be nice and caring and comforting to him our entire relationship before this ONE THING happened, whereas he had continually lied to me and had broken up with me once because he said it was for my own good! --- in my opinion we're pretty much even now---

I was sorry that the betrayal happened and I apologized for it, but I was only upset that I hadn't broken up with him before it happened, not because I made out with the other guy. I never meant to cause him this kind of pain or to cheat on him. honestly. :/

Anyways, my ex began contacting me all the time whereas before I had always felt like I was pulling teeth to get him to call me or actually want to spend time with me. I couldn't decide if he was just saying he was going to change or if he really meant it, so I would answer his calls occasionally, but I didn't think getting back together right away would be a good idea.

SO I spent about a month and a half going to the new guy's place and spending time with him and sometimes meeting with my ex who always wanted to see me ONE LAST TIME to say more about how he was going to change etc etc etc etc etc. and then he would say he would leave me and then he would want me back.

I COULD NOT TAKE THE STRAIN of having both of them contacting me, etc. I was also very confused because I found myself feeling very sorry for my ex, and remembering good things and bad things about him - longing for our talks and the way we understood eachother, but also excited because I found myself having feelings for the new guy and found myself more attracted physically to the new guy.

I decided to leave the state to work things out. Before I left though, I wreaked havoc. I tried to lose my virginity with the new guy one night, and then I felt terrible about it the next day because I had never let my ex try it because I thought I wanted to be a virgin until my wedding night (but I realized this was a residual ideal leftover from the days when I believed in Christianity and all that - the beliefs which I had actually given up two years ago---- another issue in my life unresolved :/). SO I called my ex and told him I felt awful and he wanted to know why and so I told him and said I thought my first time should have been with him, and I felt really bad for making him wait for that for so long but then just trying it with this other person after only a month or so........... (yes a condom was used and nothing was completed...anyway)

SO i told him I wanted to try it with him instead. He said he didn't know if it was a good idea and didn't want to be used, but we talked about it more and then we decided we would at least spend some time together. The next day we got a hotel room and spent time together and although he said he didn't want to do it, we both were drinking and he came over to my bed and said "i didn't want to, but let's try it anyway." (condom used) I tried it but it still hurt a lot like when i tried it with the other guy, so we didn't really do it i don't think? anyway, he got pleased, but I didn't, and then we took a shower and he started crying and I felt bad for him because he looked soooo sad.

that night i received a text message from the other guy, but i didn't know about it. in the morning I received a call from the other guy and then I noticed his contact info wasn't in my phone anymore - --- I was like wtf? then my ex said he had texted me last night and that he deleted his number and all of the texts and calls from him. I was pissed and told him that was not his place to do that and he said he was sorry but he was drunk......

so yeah the other guy called me to see if i could give him a ride to this class that he has, and I eventually agreed to it. He wanted me to get there early so that we could hang out before, but I just wanted to give him a ride and leave. I get to his house and pick him up to take him to his class and then he like wants to know if i will be hanging around in town or what--- like if i would pick him up after......something about him just made me want to say yes so I did, even though I planned not to. So I picked him up afterward and we went shopping and then back to his house and we talked about the other night.....I told him it hurt and I bled and he asked if I felt better and i said yes -----then we went inside and we laid down and he asked if i wanted to try again ------- I said yes -------- I KNOW- not smart ------ so we tried and I dk if it was all the way or not again? but it hurt again and he asked if he could finish and I just stared blankly at him so he just finished himself with his hand (yes a condom was used). Then i said okay my turn and he tried for a little bit but then said you should do it dude, you're better at it......I looked at him surprised but I did it myself anyway and then we took a nap. I had told him I wouldn't stay long enough to take him to his other class, but I ended up doing it and so i gave him a ride there and was feeling a little used and upset, but I tried not to let it show.

He told me he could leave the class whenever he wanted to, and wanted to know what I was doing afterward but I told him I had to pack for my trip, which I had said before......i asked him how long it would be if i stayed and he said he wasn't sure, so I said to myself f($&&$ it, i'm not hanging around. We hugged and he said well i hope you get there safely and I hope you don't like it so u'll come back......and then he shrugged and smiled...then I said yeah i'll try not to die on the way there- u can still text me when I'm there and I shrugged and smiled and then said bye and drove away.

My ex in the meantime left a note on my car which was parked outside of the other guys house which said "I'M DONE" which is perfectly in line with his dramatic nature --- I couldn't believe he followed me to the guy's house--- he knew i was going there - i told him i was.

SO I was feeling used by the new guy and feeling pissed at my ex but not really able to let go of either of them because I have feelings for both of them. The next day I was on a plane to another state. Now I have been here for over a month and will be going back in a few days, but I don't have everything resolved in my head.

also the day i left i tried contacting my ex saying I was SORRY for EVERYTHING, but he did not respond.

HERE IS WHY:

after i got there, the 2nd day I received a text from my ex saying "happy 20th like it means anything anymore" and I txt him back happy 20th and i was excited to hear from him since he had ignored my texts and calls before. AFTER THAT, the first three weeks, I did not contact either my ex or the other guy (e. I was trying to decide what to do and didn't think talking to them would be good). THEN, in the third week, my ex starts sending me cute pictures of his cat and stuff and trying to talk to me a little bit, but i just send him a short reply. The same day, I get a call from the other guy ---- a drunk call i think ---- he asks me when I am coming back he hates the town he's in blah blah etc. etc. -----a few days later the other guy txts me about his homework wanting me to help him because he hates school etc., but i told him no he would have to do it on his own and i would only proofread his work- i graduated from my university with a 3.96 gpa, and I worked my ass off in school so the idea of me doing someone else's work just pisses me off to no end.

I have received about four drunk calls from this guy since I have been out of state --- he mostly calls just to talk and tell me how much he hates school and his life and wondering when i am coming back/wanting to send me pictures of his pet cats and talking about random **** ---- but it is always late when I am pretty sure he is drunk (he drinks a lot and also does a lot of weed----- I KNOW ---- winning, right?). I have a received a few sober txts asking me how I am and when I am coming back, but no sober calls as far as I know.

anyway, so I decided I was going to try to work things out with my ex because we have a lot of time invested in our relationship and even if he was a jerk for most of the beginning of our relationship and was a habitual liar and emotional manipulator, is still my first love and we get along on levels that myself and other people do not get along on, I also thought that it would be the right thing to do since we can try now, but later on we might not be able to....................

SO i called my ex about a week ago and we had a long a#** discussion about everything--- seriously, five hours long------- and we talked about whether we could work things out for a future with marriage etc. and he told me he thought I had done the most damage in our relationship and that even though I put up with all his bull**** for 6 years, it was nothing compared to the last month ---- (this pissed me off) so he like feels he is the better person now---------- when I had done nothing to him in the beginning of our relationship and had put up with so much crappppppp - I think we have now both done wrong and both have to admit that and move on if we can go anywhere, we both have to not compare bull**** to see what's worse, because they're both bad. ANYWAY, he said NO, he didn't want to work on it --- because I asked him if he would want to or not? and he said no ---- i said i still love you etc... and he said NO ---- this doesn't mean no forever, but just no.

WHILE I AM ON THE PHONE WITH HIM, the OTHER GUY CALLS ME! and i ignored it. after i talked with my ex and he said what he said, i waited for an hour but i couldn't sleep so i decided to call the other guy back to see what he wanted.....another late night call ---- he asked what I was doing up? and I said i couldn't sleep etc. just talked to my ex and he said he didn't want to work on it---- he asked if i called or if he called me ---- I told him I called, but he said no ----- etc and so I asked the other guy why he called and we talked about random **** and then he again asked when I was coming back and said "I kinda miss you" and then said, "DO you wanna go out when you get back?"

HERE I WAS CONFUSED AS HELL. i asked him, "WAIT, what about your other situation?" and he said,"I'm over it, I feel stupid for chasing her around anyway." and then I said, "You don't even like hanging out with me. You just call me when you want rides etc." he said, "No I wanted to ask you out, I just didn't know if you would want to/what I wanted...." then I told him that I really did like him and we started talking about fun things that we could do when I got back --- he wanted me to go to his hometown and meet his parents and he said I would have a lot of fun etc. he said I could move in with him and paint something for him blah blah blah ------ and I was EXCITED and FLATTERED that he actually was talking like this with me ---and then he said for me to txt him when I woke up ---- and he said well now u have a good reason to come back

OKAY - next morning---- i accidentally called new guy's number, so I sent a txt saying srry accidentally dialed, have a good day ---- but I wasn't sure if he remembered what he had said the night before so I was feeling anxious and I didn't want to bring anything up if it wasn't real etc.?????? anyway, I cried that morning because I realized it was really OVER with my ex, but then later i started feeling good because of the new guy and finally maybe being able to pursue a relationship with him instead of a weird friend/makeout partner thing

and now i didn't have to feel bad about liking the new guy

THAT AFTERNOON, I RECEIVE A CALL AND TXTS FROM MY EX ----he says i am sorry i actually do want to work on it. (it is just like him to be manipulative in this way --- he wanted me to eat **** for a night just to come and say yes the following day--).

NOW I AM ROYALLY F*ed.

when he texted and called, the other guy texted me as well saying he was just waking up....

I felt like I was going to have a freaking panic attack again--- here i was now with both men wanting to have a relationship with me -----!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't please everybody, even though I want to. I just don't know what to do. I have received more texts and calls from both of these guys and I have responded to them, but I feel like I can't reject either of them over the phone, so it will have to wait until i get back to CA. In the meantime, though, I am stressing out.

I am more excited about pursuing a relationship with the new guy than with my ex, but the ex is the more logical choice and the more rational and safe choice. It just does not really excite me, although it comforts me - except i am a little worried about him not being able to get over this or him playing more mind games.

With the new guy, I know we are very different in a lot of ways, so it would be fun and exciting for a time, but I do not know if it will work in the long run?---- i guess I could make anything work if I want to, but???

*NOTE---- i do not really feel very sexually attracted to my ex now that this has all happened -- i would rather sleep with the new guy, but I prefer talking with my ex since he understands me better and we have a lot of the same views on things -----...........also i hate to think I put in 6 years for naught - no marriage, nothing!!!!!

I am going back to CA in four days and I have to have a plan before I get there. My ideal perfect plan would be to see the new guy first, ask him about our conversations over the phone to see what he remembers/actually feels and then to tell him the way I felt about him too, but to tell him that I am going to try once more to work it out with my ex....(we have set a limit of two months to try and see if we can both make it work , or if we just can't get over the past) -- if we end u sleeping together one last time and going out to dance etc. it would be my dream way of ending it. ---but i also know not very realistic ---- and then going our separate ways/remaining only a friend to him unless things don't work out with my ex and we both are single in the future.....

then I will have to meet with my ex and begin our plan for the future and see if it will work.

ACTUALLY in dreamland/selfish land, I would have both to date and they wouldn't see other people but I know that is very selfish and can never happen-

I feel like i know the right thing to do, but my heart isn't all the way in it..

help me see any other opinions or options PLEASE?

i have never been through a breakup before, and i don't know if i can let go/how to let go if that is an option? my life has all of a sudden become very difficult and I have confused myself and I don't like hurting other people. I want everyone to be happy, quite honestly.

Should I go with the safe option or the exciting option? and if i lose one how can i get over it rather than still harboring feelings for two people?

i really do feel that I have love for them both --- different kinds of love, but love - i love easily

*sidenote- i find it difficult to have a big o anymore?? it's like i am broken because before my head and my heart and my sexuality were all in the same place, but now they are not ------ does anyone else know what that is like, how to deal?*

August 2, 2012

I got about half way down reading this and I refuse to read the rest. Excuse my language, but honestly, you sound like a slut. If you loved your ex, you wouldn't consider this other guy. The fact that you would GO AND HAVE SEX with your ex and then GO AND HAVE SEX with this guy? That's disgusting. You don't deserve your ex. Go for the other dude.

August 2, 2012

Wow...just wow. I'm going to try and give you the most objective response I can possible. You probably will not get many nice replies unless they're blunt, and you're brave for posting this...or you really are that confused. Your post has confirmed sooooo many things that psychologists have been researching for years with girls in their early 20's. I'll refrain from posting from a scientific point of view.

Ultimately, what do you think I should do?

Okay, here is an update to a situation I posted several months ago.

I was in a 6 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend (my only boyfriend EVER - i was 16 and he was 18 when we met and began dating). I ended up making out with another guy when HE was drunk and would not take no for an answer.

Not taking no for an answer is not an excuse. How would you feel if your ex made out with a girl because she said no while you two were still together? No matter how you look at it, it's cheating. Most people would say that infidelity is absolutely the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. This is crucial for what I'll mention later when considering his mindset. Anyway, this shows a lack of passion in your relationship with your ex.

I told my boyfriend the next day right away. The other guy called me the next day wanting to "talk about it," etc so I went and asked him if what he wanted was a hook up, a friend, or something else? I was a little confused because when we had started spending time together on the day this happened I thought it was just a friend thing and I told him repeatedly I had a boyfriend/talked about him etc...

This is your second mistake. You wanted to fix your relationship with your ex later but didn't consider this. Yes, you cheated, but you further disrespected your ex by still pursuing this guy. If you weren't, then you would have stopped talking to this new guy and not ask what he wanted. It's essentially throwing salt on a wound.

He said friends and see what happens, he was attracted to me etc. etc. I said I was attracted to him as well, but since it seemed like he didn't want anything serious I said sorry but I am going to work things out with my boyfriend and we could only be friends/this could never happen again etc etc. he said, "well let me know what happens."

This guy is NOT your friend. Friends care about each other's interests. This guy became your "friend" to further his own agenda, and that was getting into your pants or a relationship with you. Anyway, he didn't want anything serious because he was trying to have his fun with you as his rebound while he's also working on his ex. Does this sound familiar? You two were using each other.

My boyfriend initially was going to forgive me, but we ended up breaking up a few days later because we both needed time etc. (I had been asking for space/a break for a while because I felt like our relationship was going nowhere and he still had no desire to propose- I should have insisted upon it but I didn't and just stayed with him--- stupid and irresponsible on my part)

Remember that you asked for space, and you have another guy waiting for you. Most guys in your ex's position at this point would go no contact. About your desire for marriage, that's something that should have been communicated. 6 years is a long time without commitment, but at the same time, 22 these days is a very, very young age to be married now. The reasons why are what young people tend to do at this age, as in your actions and a plethora of others. Why would he commit to somebody who will act on her feelings for somebody else at the drop of a hat?

While we were hanging out I got to know that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend and that the last time he saw her (at a bar i might add), she refused to speak to him (and he subsequently got a DUI that night). This was just a few days before we hung out and he wanted to make out with me! (?)

Nothing confusing here. What you did wasn't very different. You're both using each other as rebounds.

The relationship between us became a friends with benefits thing. We would both talk about our exes and our problems and he wanted me to stay at his house all the time/meet all of his friends etc. I even called his ex's number trying to get her to talk with him (she will have nothing to do with him) (I really wanted to be helpful). I asked him up front what he wanted and he said he didn't know what he wanted --- at one point he said he felt that in his heart his ex would realize what they had and would come back. SO I was guarded even though I liked this guy A LOT. - i find him very hot and attractive in bed even though he is not a better lover than my ex - he is just more exciting and unpredictable etc.

This guy didn't know what he wanted, just like you. For this reason, you can't completely blame him and not blame yourself. He's hot and attractive because he's exciting and unpredictable. That's what we call the honeymoon stage, passionate love, infatuation, whatever. It's the novelty of the new because you're used to what you already have. If people were to act on these impulses at every chance they get, then they would never be in a committed relationship.

In the meantime, my ex has his heart broken and is sending me letters and flowers saying he is sorry for everything he had ever done to me -- (a LOT of emotional, manipulative BULL****) because I blew up at him when he said what i had done was worse than anything he had ever done.
I had never done a goddam thing but be nice and caring and comforting to him our entire relationship before this ONE THING happened, whereas he had continually lied to me and had broken up with me once because he said it was for my own good! --- in my opinion we're pretty much even now---

This is it. This "one" thing is infidelity. Infidelity in most people's minds is the WORST thing that can happen. This is where you two disagree. He's hurt because you did the worst thing possible, but you're hurt because he did many bad things. The fact that you think you two are even means you both need to grow up. Relationships aren't about being even. It's about working things out and putting the past behind you. If the bad things are always in the back of your mind and you're "keeping score," then it will never work out. It's mistrust and defensiveness in a relationship dynamic that requires trust and openness. Since you two stayed together, whatever the heck he did should have already been resolved and left in the past.

I was sorry that the betrayal happened and I apologized for it, but I was only upset that I hadn't broken up with him before it happened, not because I made out with the other guy. I never meant to cause him this kind of pain or to cheat on him. honestly. :/

So you feel guilt for your own reasons, not because you care about your ex. It wouldn't matter if you made out with the other guy before you broke up with your ex. He still would have been just as hurt. You're not sorry about making out with the other guy. That shows a lot in who you care about and where your priorities are. You should have stopped stringing along your ex right here.

Anyways, my ex began contacting me all the time whereas before I had always felt like I was pulling teeth to get him to call me or actually want to spend time with me. I couldn't decide if he was just saying he was going to change or if he really meant it, so I would answer his calls occasionally, but I didn't think getting back together right away would be a good idea.

This is entirely your call. Such a sudden loss will make him want to change to keep you. He might really change, or he might not; you're right. He's calling a bunch due to his emotional state. His world just got disrupted; he wants what he just lost. My personal belief is that people do need time to change. Whether or not it can be done together or has to be done separately is another story, but most would say separately in order to rebuild attraction down the road.

SO I spent about a month and a half going to the new guy's place and spending time with him and sometimes meeting with my ex who always wanted to see me ONE LAST TIME to say more about how he was going to change etc etc etc etc etc. and then he would say he would leave me and then he would want me back.

This is what we'd call you having your cake and eating it too, which is a very selfish thing. You're in the attachment phase with your ex and the honeymoon phase with the new guy. You're keeping your ex on a leash while you have your fun with this new guy. This is unfair to BOTH of them. The reason being you're prolonging one or both people's pain when you'll eventually retain feelings for both people.

I COULD NOT TAKE THE STRAIN of having both of them contacting me, etc. I was also very confused because I found myself feeling very sorry for my ex, and remembering good things and bad things about him - longing for our talks and the way we understood eachother, but also excited because I found myself having feelings for the new guy and found myself more attracted physically to the new guy.

Attachment phase with your ex. Honeymoon phase with the new guy. This is the point that even you couldn't handle this kind of contact. You should have cut contact with one person or cut contact with both people.

I decided to leave the state to work things out. Before I left though, I wreaked havoc. I tried to lose my virginity with the new guy one night, and then I felt terrible about it the next day because I had never let my ex try it because I thought I wanted to be a virgin until my wedding night (but I realized this was a residual ideal leftover from the days when I believed in Christianity and all that - the beliefs which I had actually given up two years ago---- another issue in my life unresolved :/). SO I called my ex and told him I felt awful and he wanted to know why and so I told him and said I thought my first time should have been with him, and I felt really bad for making him wait for that for so long but then just trying it with this other person after only a month or so........... (yes a condom was used and nothing was completed...anyway)

SO i told him I wanted to try it with him instead. He said he didn't know if it was a good idea and didn't want to be used, but we talked about it more and then we decided we would at least spend some time together. The next day we got a hotel room and spent time together and although he said he didn't want to do it, we both were drinking and he came over to my bed and said "i didn't want to, but let's try it anyway." (condom used) I tried it but it still hurt a lot like when i tried it with the other guy, so we didn't really do it i don't think? anyway, he got pleased, but I didn't, and then we took a shower and he started crying and I felt bad for him because he looked soooo sad.

So now you realize that losing your virginity wasn't such a big deal after all. I don't see what point you're trying to make by constantly bringing up the condom. Again, feeling guilty about your ex doesn't justify giving him false hope. Even I would call you a slut at this point. You *know* everything you're doing is wrong, otherwise, you wouldn't be feeling so badly about it. You're sleeping with both people with emotional attachment to you. You don't view either of these two as flings, which is why people are going to condemn you for "sleeping around." You're just going to have to learn and grow from this.

that night i received a text message from the other guy, but i didn't know about it. in the morning I received a call from the other guy and then I noticed his contact info wasn't in my phone anymore - --- I was like wtf? then my ex said he had texted me last night and that he deleted his number and all of the texts and calls from him. I was pissed and told him that was not his place to do that and he said he was sorry but he was drunk......

I'll give you that. Even though you're stringing people along, your ex had no right to go through your phone.

so yeah the other guy called me to see if i could give him a ride to this class that he has, and I eventually agreed to it. He wanted me to get there early so that we could hang out before, but I just wanted to give him a ride and leave. I get to his house and pick him up to take him to his class and then he like wants to know if i will be hanging around in town or what--- like if i would pick him up after......something about him just made me want to say yes so I did, even though I planned not to. So I picked him up afterward and we went shopping and then back to his house and we talked about the other night.....I told him it hurt and I bled and he asked if I felt better and i said yes -----then we went inside and we laid down and he asked if i wanted to try again ------- I said yes -------- I KNOW- not smart ------ so we tried and I dk if it was all the way or not again? but it hurt again and he asked if he could finish and I just stared blankly at him so he just finished himself with his hand (yes a condom was used). Then i said okay my turn and he tried for a little bit but then said you should do it dude, you're better at it......I looked at him surprised but I did it myself anyway and then we took a nap. I had told him I wouldn't stay long enough to take him to his other class, but I ended up doing it and so i gave him a ride there and was feeling a little used and upset, but I tried not to let it show.

You're both guilty for using each other. You're both using each other as rebounds. Rebounds rarely do become long-term relationships, but they do happen. With that said, healthy relationships almost never start out like this... This entire love triangle is hurting.

My ex in the meantime left a note on my car which was parked outside of the other guys house which said "I'M DONE" which is perfectly in line with his dramatic nature --- I couldn't believe he followed me to the guy's house--- he knew i was going there - i told him i was.

Not too dramatic in this case. It seems like he really did want to start no contact. Talking to you face-to-face would be painful. A text would just leave him open to a response from you. Most people don't leave notes, but I wouldn't call this dramatic at this point, considering this entire thing has been full of drama.

SO I was feeling used by the new guy and feeling pissed at my ex but not really able to let go of either of them because I have feelings for both of them. The next day I was on a plane to another state. Now I have been here for over a month and will be going back in a few days, but I don't have everything resolved in my head.

This paragraph seems narcissistic here. You're only thinking from your own perspective. Let's look at it from your ex's perspective. You cheated on him and broke up with him. You slept with the new guy and have been giving him most of your attention while stringing along your ex. Why would you be pissed at your ex here? Deleting the other guy's contact info out of your phone? Leaving a note on your car? You're focusing entirely on how other people are wronging you without reflecting and seeing how you've wronged others.

As for the new guy, you've broken up with your ex, and he's trying to enter a relationship with you, but you're keeping an attachment to your ex AND you went back and slept with your ex. What guy would enter a relationship with a girl like that? Any smart guy would know that the best he'd get from a girl like that is a friends with benefits situation. You're essentially using him for the same thing.

also the day i left i tried contacting my ex saying I was SORRY for EVERYTHING, but he did not respond.

Good on him. He's trying to move on, and he knew not to respond to your bread crumb.

HERE IS WHY:

after i got there, the 2nd day I received a text from my ex saying "happy 20th like it means anything anymore" and I txt him back happy 20th and i was excited to hear from him since he had ignored my texts and calls before. AFTER THAT, the first three weeks, I did not contact either my ex or the other guy (e. I was trying to decide what to do and didn't think talking to them would be good). THEN, in the third week, my ex starts sending me cute pictures of his cat and stuff and trying to talk to me a little bit, but i just send him a short reply. The same day, I get a call from the other guy ---- a drunk call i think ---- he asks me when I am coming back he hates the town he's in blah blah etc. etc. -----a few days later the other guy txts me about his homework wanting me to help him because he hates school etc., but i told him no he would have to do it on his own and i would only proofread his work- i graduated from my university with a 3.96 gpa, and I worked my ass off in school so the idea of me doing someone else's work just pisses me off to no end.

I have received about four drunk calls from this guy since I have been out of state --- he mostly calls just to talk and tell me how much he hates school and his life and wondering when i am coming back/wanting to send me pictures of his pet cats and talking about random **** ---- but it is always late when I am pretty sure he is drunk (he drinks a lot and also does a lot of weed----- I KNOW ---- winning, right?). I have a received a few sober txts asking me how I am and when I am coming back, but no sober calls as far as I know.

Your ex is resentful. It's too early for you two to do low contact considering neither of you have seemed to changed. The new guy sounds like a total loser who wants his hook-up back. Even if he wants a relationship with you, you already recognized that he doesn't have his life together.

anyway, so I decided I was going to try to work things out with my ex because we have a lot of time invested in our relationship and even if he was a jerk for most of the beginning of our relationship and was a habitual liar and emotional manipulator, is still my first love and we get along on levels that myself and other people do not get along on, I also thought that it would be the right thing to do since we can try now, but later on we might not be able to....................

Go back to your ex for the right reasons, not because he's familiar and safe. Those same problems with ruin the relationship later. I would say move on. You CAN try again later once you two both have grow the hell up. As it stands now, that entire relationship was toxic.

SO i called my ex about a week ago and we had a long a#** discussion about everything--- seriously, five hours long------- and we talked about whether we could work things out for a future with marriage etc. and he told me he thought I had done the most damage in our relationship and that even though I put up with all his bull**** for 6 years, it was nothing compared to the last month ---- (this pissed me off) so he like feels he is the better person now---------- when I had done nothing to him in the beginning of our relationship and had put up with so much crappppppp - I think we have now both done wrong and both have to admit that and move on if we can go anywhere, we both have to not compare bull**** to see what's worse, because they're both bad. ANYWAY, he said NO, he didn't want to work on it --- because I asked him if he would want to or not? and he said no ---- i said i still love you etc... and he said NO ---- this doesn't mean no forever, but just no.

WHILE I AM ON THE PHONE WITH HIM, the OTHER GUY CALLS ME! and i ignored it. after i talked with my ex and he said what he said, i waited for an hour but i couldn't sleep so i decided to call the other guy back to see what he wanted.....another late night call ---- he asked what I was doing up? and I said i couldn't sleep etc. just talked to my ex and he said he didn't want to work on it---- he asked if i called or if he called me ---- I told him I called, but he said no ----- etc and so I asked the other guy why he called and we talked about random **** and then he again asked when I was coming back and said "I kinda miss you" and then said, "DO you wanna go out when you get back?"

HERE I WAS CONFUSED AS HELL. i asked him, "WAIT, what about your other situation?" and he said,"I'm over it, I feel stupid for chasing her around anyway." and then I said, "You don't even like hanging out with me. You just call me when you want rides etc." he said, "No I wanted to ask you out, I just didn't know if you would want to/what I wanted...." then I told him that I really did like him and we started talking about fun things that we could do when I got back --- he wanted me to go to his hometown and meet his parents and he said I would have a lot of fun etc. he said I could move in with him and paint something for him blah blah blah ------ and I was EXCITED and FLATTERED that he actually was talking like this with me ---and then he said for me to txt him when I woke up ---- and he said well now u have a good reason to come back

OKAY - next morning---- i accidentally called new guy's number, so I sent a txt saying srry accidentally dialed, have a good day ---- but I wasn't sure if he remembered what he had said the night before so I was feeling anxious and I didn't want to bring anything up if it wasn't real etc.?????? anyway, I cried that morning because I realized it was really OVER with my ex, but then later i started feeling good because of the new guy and finally maybe being able to pursue a relationship with him instead of a weird friend/makeout partner thing
and now i didn't have to feel bad about liking the new guy

THAT AFTERNOON, I RECEIVE A CALL AND TXTS FROM MY EX ----he says i am sorry i actually do want to work on it. (it is just like him to be manipulative in this way --- he wanted me to eat **** for a night just to come and say yes the following day--).

NOW I AM ROYALLY F*ed.

when he texted and called, the other guy texted me as well saying he was just waking up....

I felt like I was going to have a freaking panic attack again--- here i was now with both men wanting to have a relationship with me -----!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't please everybody, even though I want to. I just don't know what to do. I have received more texts and calls from both of these guys and I have responded to them, but I feel like I can't reject either of them over the phone, so it will have to wait until i get back to CA. In the meantime, though, I am stressing out.

I am more excited about pursuing a relationship with the new guy than with my ex, but the ex is the more logical choice and the more rational and safe choice. It just does not really excite me, although it comforts me - except i am a little worried about him not being able to get over this or him playing more mind games.

With the new guy, I know we are very different in a lot of ways, so it would be fun and exciting for a time, but I do not know if it will work in the long run?---- i guess I could make anything work if I want to, but???

*NOTE---- i do not really feel very sexually attracted to my ex now that this has all happened -- i would rather sleep with the new guy, but I prefer talking with my ex since he understands me better and we have a lot of the same views on things -----...........also i hate to think I put in 6 years for naught - no marriage, nothing!!!!!

I am going back to CA in four days and I have to have a plan before I get there. My ideal perfect plan would be to see the new guy first, ask him about our conversations over the phone to see what he remembers/actually feels and then to tell him the way I felt about him too, but to tell him that I am going to try once more to work it out with my ex....(we have set a limit of two months to try and see if we can both make it work , or if we just can't get over the past) -- if we end u sleeping together one last time and going out to dance etc. it would be my dream way of ending it. ---but i also know not very realistic ---- and then going our separate ways/remaining only a friend to him unless things don't work out with my ex and we both are single in the future.....

then I will have to meet with my ex and begin our plan for the future and see if it will work.

ACTUALLY in dreamland/selfish land, I would have both to date and they wouldn't see other people but I know that is very selfish and can never happen-

I feel like i know the right thing to do, but my heart isn't all the way in it..

help me see any other opinions or options PLEASE?

i have never been through a breakup before, and i don't know if i can let go/how to let go if that is an option? my life has all of a sudden become very difficult and I have confused myself and I don't like hurting other people. I want everyone to be happy, quite honestly.

Should I go with the safe option or the exciting option? and if i lose one how can i get over it rather than still harboring feelings for two people?

i really do feel that I have love for them both --- different kinds of love, but love - i love easily

*sidenote- i find it difficult to have a big o anymore?? it's like i am broken because before my head and my heart and my sexuality were all in the same place, but now they are not ------ does anyone else know what that is like, how to deal?*

Time to summarize the rest... First of all, your ex made a great move. He took time to think about it before immediately hopping in. You also didn't give it your all, and that's what he was expecting. He didn't want to immediately hop back into a relationship with somebody who doesn't really, really want him back no matter what. The fact is you're still considering this other guy.

Your ex is NOT the logical choice. Your ex is just as emotionally immature as you, and you both will continue to hurt each other. This new guy "kinda" misses you. Keyword there. He doesn't really miss you; he misses having the girl who was head over heels for him who slept with him and was always hanging around him.

What led to your cheating was a lack of passion. Passion will always diminish in a relationship. Mature adults will build their intimacy and commitment to make up for it. You keep hopping back and forth sexually, and the lack of commitment is coming from all 3 of you. Your ex didn't commit; you didn't commit by cheating, and the new guy isn't going to commit because he's not over his ex. Think about it for a second. You're not over your ex, would you want a SO with your state of mind?

I would honestly consider the new guy to be a carbon copy of you emotionally. Do you really want to be with that guy? He's also a drunk pothead that can't even do his own schoolwork. You can have your "fun" with him, but it's gone too far at his point. You both are emotionally attached.

I'm assuming by big o, you meant orgasm. Well, orgasms are more emotional for women and require a level of comfort. You probably won't have a good one until you find somebody else, or your resolve your emotions for these two.

My final opinion: Move on from both. Go no contact with both for your sake and theirs. Go low contact sometime down the line once your emotions have subsided. It's hard, yes, but this entire love triangle is toxic. I'm most concerned about YOU. You seem to be the one who needs to grow up the most. Start fresh. Your ex might change, or he might not. If he does, then see what happens down the line. As for the new guy...he's going nowhere in life. He was exciting and sexy at first, but then you realized the grass wasn't greener with him.

Honestly, you're young. Go have fun. You're not ready for commitment or long-term relationships yet. You'll figure out what you want in 3 or 4 years. Good luck.

August 2, 2012

i would never hit a woman, but you're not a woman. you are a disgusting monster. seriously, is this a joke? please, for the love of humanity. the sad thing is i'm sure there are many ppl like this. just wow. mind blown.

August 2, 2012

Worrying thing is as stated above this is only a mild case of G.I.Gs.

The plus point to reading this is it really does open your eyes to the world, I used to nelieve these sort of people were largely exagerated but this forum proved me very wrong.

August 2, 2012

It might be a mild case of G.I.G.S., or it might seem mild because this is only the onset of stage 2. Either way, even people with G.I.G.S. will have different levels of selfishness and morals.

My ex is going through G.I.G.S. She didn't cheat on me. She was completely honest about the situation. There are of course, things like her not wanting to let me go, possibly will reconcile in the future (her subconscious trying to keep me), but at the same time she felt like telling me to move on and not wait, etc. She acknowledges her selfishness in wanting to keep me in her life because it causes pains her greatly to have me removed.

OP here is deflecting/refusing to accept blame. The only blame she's accepted so far is the cheating but is deflecting everything else. She feels like the new guy is using her but fails to acknowledge that she's also using the new guy (even though that's not her intention). Things like saying she and her ex are "even" on the harm they've done to each other also indicates something.

I'm not sure if this "something" is something that can be emotionally grown out of or a personality trait that's unrelated to G.I.G.S.

My biggest question is if any previous generation was ever like this...

Edited August 2, 2012 by ZhaoZilong5

August 3, 2012

I think the best thing you can do is just remove yourself from men for a while (like maybe 6 months) and look at your self and what you actually want.

August 3, 2012

thank you livelife - after never having sex and now having tried it with two people total at the age of 22, thank you for that label of SLUT. thank you for your input, anyway.

August 3, 2012

ZhaoZilong5 - thank you for actually reading and replying to the different parts of the post.

Random things i would like to say:

I know I am not emotionally mature. I have been attending counseling for the past year to try to work on my issues, but I had stopped going for a few months for financial reasons, and then this all happened.

I have issues from my childhood which have affected my maturity, though my inherent anxious nature and perfectionist tendencies have also caused a lot of problems. My mother had always been overbearing and overprotective when I was young and then she suddenly became an unavailable alcoholic throughout my high school years, to later wake up and become the same overprotective/overbearing mother years later when she was sober -- which are all still things that I am dealing with.

My counselor has told me I still tend to react to life like I am in crisis mode, which is what I learned to do out of necessity due to the conditions in my household ---- and i have never been gone from my house as long as I am now that i am out of state. (even in college i commuted to school and I have never been allowed to go anywhere far away without my mother or another family member she deemed "trustworthy" - to this day, she has panic attacks if I go ANYWHERE alone, except work or school, which is f frustrating the hell out of me because i am 22 freaking years old).

I have a tendency to do things just to make other people happy, and through this all happening, I finally found out that I was sick of sitting around and making other people happy/worrying about what everyone else thought of me (going to college, majoring in what i thought would be acceptable to my parents, never drinking, never trying any drugs/doing anything illegal, trying to be perfect in school/trying to be perfect in all of my extracurriculars, never having sex and never wanting to be seen in a position that could be misconstrued/trying to be the perfect girlfriend etc etc etc).

This is the first time I have ever acted out, and it is shocking everybody, but I feel like I should have been more assertive about what I actually wanted a long time ago.

My ex also has emotional issues that stem from his childhood. he was sexually abused by a female cousin who was just a few years older than him a few times. he also has difficulty relating to his father and was often spanked for acting out. he had ADD as well as a child.

As far as the marriage thing ----- i brought it up many times - and he would always say maybe sometime in the future, but not now. I told him clearly that it was important to me many times and told him i just wanted a proposal ---- i told him i was okay with a long engagement ----- and even i was okay with him not having a diamond ring --- i just wanted him to ASK ME, and for us to make that engagement commitment! That is what i wanted and I told him and he still wouldn't do it/told me he wasn't going to yet.

He admits now that he saw marriage as an end to his dreams/goals(which he is not in the process of chasing anyway) etc. etc. --- when i had always said it was a partnership where we could both share each others dreams and help each other achieve our goals as partners - i told him also that I did not want kids right away and would wait till we were both ready for that --- because i knew in his mind marriage = kids? which never made sense to me, but..........

anyway, i think you are right about the time thing, but it is just so hard for me to let go of the thought of living the fairytale that I had always dreamed of before this all went down.

I am just very tired now. i was tired of trying to be perfect before, and now I am tired of the aftermath of my attempts to finally do things for me, which are largely mistakes.

Edited August 3, 2012 by CUPCAKELOVER
repeat post

August 3, 2012

Also to ZhaoZilong5

yes i would say there was a lack of passion --- this is because my ex is 25 and still lives with his parents on their futon ---- he doesn't even have his own room anymore---- and i still live at home with my parents -- it was and always had been difficult for us to makeout/do anything without worrying about getting caught by someone and has always induced panic attacks on my part ------ when we were younger, the car was the only place we had and that was always very annerving, especially when he would want to park outside MY driveway and do things while my parents were still awake/lights were on ------- when he had a bedroom at his parents sometimes that would work ----

he briefly moved to an apartment for two months last summer and we finally had a space to do things which was awesome --- when his roommate wasn't home, so usually at like 1 in the morning......

anyways since he now lives on a couch it has been stressful to participate in intimacy especially because he has poor planning skills/never would find out when his family members would be out of the house/how long they would be gone for.

i am too old now to be sneaking around with this kind of crap. maybe that's why the other guy was appealing on this level also....he lived in a house where his roommate was usually gone and they were the only two that lived there. this made it easy and not panic-inducing for intimate things to happen :/

August 3, 2012

CUPCAKELOVER, there's not much advice people can give you. You're going to have to do what you do and grow up. Regain your independence. Live for yourself. One day, maybe making somebody else happy will make you happy.

LOL.... Wanna bet? I have yet to meet a GIGS person that was honest.

Honestly, of the friends that I still have left, I doubt they'd lie to me at this point lol. Anyway, I know a girl who I'm not sure if it's G.I.G.S., but she was in a LDR. She fell for the guy in the LDR, but because the distance was hard on her, she broke it off with that guy before entering a relationship with the local guy. She told me that if she had cheated, then she wouldn't have mentioned the other guy at all. I would bet that a lot of relationships end so that the dumper can go and do things that would have been cheating, even though they don't realize that the emotional damage and end result is essentially the same thing.

Either way, if the point of G.I.G.S. is that they have to grow and live life etc. etc. not their fault blah blah, then why always condemn them as liars, cheaters, and scum of the Earth?

For personal reference, I went through G.I.G.S. at 20. The grass wasn't greener. Both grass was equally incompatible. I kind of did the same thing again afterward after being cheated on in a new relationship. Anyway, the first time, I had sex with the other girl. I told the girl I was seeing. The 2nd time around last year, I didn't have sex with the new girl, but I told the person I was seeing that I was entering a relationship with somebody else and that I didn't do anything with the new girl yet.

Maybe it's personal experience and personally knowing others that went through G.I.G.S., but I can tell you that when I went through it, I never lied about a single thing. I remember my actions were because of impulses, desperation, wanting to see what's better, etc. I never lied with my words, because when it came down to talking, I knew exactly what happened, so I can say exactly what happened.

You were in a LDR at the age of 23 with a 20 year girl with G.I.G.S. who broke up with you and all of a sudden met a guy a week later.

Riiiigggghhhhttttt.....

I am not going to ruin the fantasy you have on what you think happened, when, how, etc.

In the end, it really doesn't matter anyway.

If we are talking about women who get G.I.G.S....

Grandparents... Almost never.

Parents... Yes but a small minority.

Generation X - It I had to ballpark it... 35 - 40% had G.I.G.S.

Generation Y - OMG!

Generation Z - I don't even want to think about it.

She met the guy through somebody that I know at a place she just started working at. Before that, she was spending all of her time with me, so unless she was playing a recording of her sleeping while she went out and met new people, then I highly doubt it lol. Either way, yeah, it doesn't matter at this point. She never slept around before, and she's taking everything slowly now, which concerns me. If anything, I'd want her to start rebounding as quickly as possible, ugh lol. She's hanging out a lot with another guy and their social circles have intermingled, which is to me dating, but for some reason, people think dating = bf/gf. So far, everybody thinks they're dating even though they haven't officially entered a relationship yet, so I guess that's a good thing that she's probably moving quicker than she expected to.

I honestly sometimes doubt if it is G.I.G.S., because to me, distance is a very valid reason for ending a relationship. She was falling out of love with me because she knew I initially didn't want to move up there, but she never told me how afraid she was of moving down. In a way, I guess that's G.I.G.S., but at the same time, that's also how most LDRs end (Distance + lack of commitment + meeting somebody local). What makes me think it might be G.I.G.S. is because all of the symptoms match homebrew's/Mayday11's/whoever the hell he actually is's thread. Her reasons were wishy-washy at first, but they started to line up after a while. Distance, liking somebody else, and us still being students. Aside from the first two, I was constantly hearing a bunch of other different crap for the first month lol.

Just curious, I'm not sure if you two also went through G.I.G.S., but if you did, then what did you two lie about?

Edited August 3, 2012 by ZhaoZilong5

August 3, 2012

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/327414-where-do-you-see-going-very-looooooong-storyyyy

i am posting this long thread here because it adds more detail to how this all happened and may give background.

****i think G.I.G.S is likely a good fit for my situation, thank you gibson.

i fit the profile in many ways --- no real college experience/parting, the other guy is someone so different/ I would have avoided like the plague in high school because i could see the signs, but I went ahead anyway, only one romantic relationship ever -- emotional physical or otherwise-- and confusion.

-the only thing i think is different is that I was the one actually wanting to commit, but when I kept getting signals that my SO didn't want to, I began doubting our relationship and if we were right for each other/meant to be and became curious about what else was out there. I felt if he didn't want me then there was something wrong with me or our relationship and maybe we could both find people better suited for us?

the person who replied to me in the original thread was likely right at the time, but i let the situation snowball.

August 4, 2012

Using the OP here... If you were the BF or the "other guy" as an example.

How would you feel? Would you think that the OP was being open and honest with you? If you found out the real story would you be fine okay with it or would you be hurt and upset?

When I was in the BF's position, I was of course hurt and upset for the cheating for three weeks to a month, but I was glad for the clarity and honesty afterward. My ex ex pretty much got backed into a corner, but it was still closure from her with her admitting everything.

If I was the other guy, then I would feel like the OP was being as open and honest as she was able to, considering I wanted to "be friends and see what happens."

So because that is what you went through that is what every other G.I.G.S. person does also?

Take again the OP in this thread... She has G.I.G.S. and she certainly isn't having the same G.I.G.S. experience as you.

You do read the 1,000+ posts of the G.I.G.S. victims on here right? Most find themselves on the receiving end of what the Ex has in the OP.

You're a terrible troll. I used to respect your posts, but this is ridiculous hypocrisy. I NEVER said all G.I.G.S. situations are like mine. YOU, however, seem to think every single G.I.G.S. situation is the same. Don't accuse me of thinking in black and white when you're clearly the one who is thinking in black and white. I simply came in with an experience that was different to yours. I never said EVERY experience was like mine. You seriously lack reading comprehension if that's all you got from my post.

With that said, you were not talking about the OP. You were talking about MY situation, which I clearly have a better understanding than you because I can look at things objectively. When dealing with G.I.G.S., one has to look at the situation with understanding, not contempt. You of most people should know this.

Fact: Every single break-up is different. Similarities =/= same

I am homebrew. My account got banned and LS will not unban. I have been using the name gibson for quite some time now.

Are you also Mayday11 from ENA? I'm just curious before I compare post dates and start accusing people of plagiarism.

G.I.G.S. people are do not know who they are, what they want. They are immature, lost, confused, conflicted, searching, rebellious, curious, selfish, impulsive, etc.

Then on top of that you factor in the various degrees of the following (which is different for every G.I.G.S. person):

The 180, the new "good time" friends, drinking, drugs, partying, clubs, bars, attention seeking, etc.

So if these people are immature, lost, confused, don't know who they are or what they want... How can they be really be honest with themselves?

If they aren't honest with themselves... How on earth can they be honest with you?

She already told her BF she cheated on him. How is that not honesty? That is clear-cut information for me to end things. The boyfriend, however, was willing to forgive her for it after knowing this. Her BF staying in the game after that point's not her fault. He was a fool for not breaking things off after being told something like that.

If both guys in the OP story here knew the real story... Do you think they would feel like they were treated honestly and fairly by the OP?

The real story is that OP cheated on her BF. OP knows this. The real story is that the other guy wanted to remain friends and see what happens. All right, so they're friends. What now? His fault for not telling her what he actually wanted when she asked and confusing the OP even more.

How about the other 1,000+ posts of G.I.G.S. victims here on LS who find themselves on the receiving end of lies, half truths, deceptions, cheating, etc?

I don't like extrapolation and exaggeration. First of all, how me 1k+ G.I.G.S. posts. It's also all perspective. Most BU stories are one-sided. We don't have the side of the dumper most of the time. Then again, there's no point. Why would somebody give you his/her side if all you're going to do is call him/her a liar with no evidence? I've dealt with plenty of you all of my life, and it's damn annoying. It's pointless for me to say something when people like you just call me a liar based on nothing. I wish people like that wouldn't waste my time asking me ****.

Second of all, people can cheat and lie, but if they come around later and tell you the truth, then it's still honesty in the end. We know that reconciliation needs to be treated like a new relationship. The past needs to be the past. Though the OP's not reconciling, if two people are to reconcile or even move on, then they need to leave the past as the past. I don't care if my ex ex cheated on me 3 years ago. I've moved on from that. The only things I would care about are the present.

Back in my day, G.I.G.S. or not, most teenagers and kids in their early 20s were very immature and had little to no experience with relationships and breaking up. Therefore, most of the break ups were not handled properly and usually ended up being very messy.

Today, you take the same immature idiots that we were back then but now you have to add in cell phones, email, texting, Facebook, etc. into the mix.

I swear with kids today... If your break up wasn't "Biblical" and a total cluster ^%$, it means you two didn't love each other.

If you also want to talk about relationships outside of G.I.G.S., hell, even including G.I.G.S., age doesn't really matter. Correlation is not causation. I've dated a 50-year-old who was seemed very immature when we parted ways, and her divorce was also a cluster-****. I seem to remember you/wilsonx/smokey_bear or whoever...one of you...mentioning somebody going through G.I.G.S. at 38.

The modern generation isn't much different from 35 years ago. Divorce rates have been pretty consistent since 1976 or 1980 depending on what observational studies you want to look at. Even if your generation's from before that, you shouldn't skip 3 decades and try to make one generation look bad without even looking at the others.

We're not going to agree on much outside of psychology and the sciences. It's clear that you're way too biased to look at anything objectively...you even skew numbers. You also seem to harbor a lot of resentment in a situation that you yourself said is best to give the person going through G.I.G.S. space because it's a growing process that's no fault of their own. Your post here is vilifying them if anything.

The world doesn't revolve around you. Things that happens similiarly to you don't happen exactly like you.

August 4, 2012

Edit: Double-post due to server time out. Since I can't delete post...I'll just add that the OP wanted commitment, but her BF didn't. It wasn't the OP who got cold feet. That's also another factor that shows a difference compared to the typical G.I.G.S. scenario outlined in your thread.

Edited August 4, 2012 by ZhaoZilong5

August 4, 2012

Just wanted to throw in my two cents...you say you want commitment from your ex, but you're nowhere ready for a committed adult relationship. You couldn't even commit to either guy....nor commit to breaking it off with the other. You are deflecting blame from yourself and grasping at reasons to break it off with your ex (still living at home with ex, couldn't propose to you) when mature adults would communicate and work through issues or compromise. You are coming up with excuses knowing damn well the other guy isn't anywhere as compatible with you. Even IF your ex did propose, I bet you still would have suffered from GIGS sometime down the line because you've never had the capacity for emotional maturity. You want proof? Look under the divorce and separation section and see how many examples there are of marriages and engagements ending because of GIGS. Gibson is right though. Even though I'm a GIGS dumpee and know how frustrating it is, I've come to terms with this being a normal phase of maturation at your age. Now is the phase of your life when you're just kicking tires, realizing what you want, and maybe start to fully understand the consequences of your actions on both yourself and other people. In terms of your situation, commit to a decision and stick with it! It isn't fair for you or either guy by keeping them in limbo. And please recognize that whatever you choose, don't think about being friends with the other person. One, it'll be more difficult for him to move on by giving him false hope and secondly, it's selfish to keep him on the back burner. Whatever you choose, good luck!

Edited August 4, 2012 by Pod81

August 4, 2012

I wouldn't commit to either of those two guys either, but you're right, she's not committing to a BU and is deflecting blame. I know it's not meant to be funny, but I find it ironic that you're advising a G.I.G.S. dumper to make a decision and stick with it lol.

August 4, 2012

Gh... *facepalm*

You stabbed your boyfriend in the back by cheating on him with another guy. Stuff happens, i understand. I continued reading, and you STILL KEPT TALKING TO THAT OTHER GUY WITHOUT TELLING YOUR BOYFRIEND. That was just ALLOWING yourself to cheat. And what was that, halfway into the speech? You said that was the only wrong thing you've ever done when your boyfriend lies? So you are even?

Hold the phone. You sound just like my ex. You can never be wrong, and everything you do is justified... LIKE DOING THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO AND CHEAT ON YOUR BOYFRIEND. HOW IN THE WORLD IS THAT JUSTIFIED? Did he ever cheat on you? No? Then how is anything even? Stop making yourself the victim when you are obviously playing two people like fools for your own selfish purposes. I hope you grow out of this phase.

Edited August 4, 2012 by ZimboGon

August 4, 2012

A little clarification:

During the month of back and forth, I was only TALKING to my ex, not messing around with him. When I would see him, I literally would not want him to touch me because I felt that would be shameful for him.

I was messing around with the other guy only, and at that point, my ex and I were officially "broken up."

the only time I actually CHEATED was the first night makeout, which was awful, but I immediately told him about it.

I described it all in another thread back in May.

*i did not do anything with my ex until the awful hotel/trying to make up the virginity night which was two days before I got the hell out of CA.

About the honesty thing, my ex boyfriend knows EVERYTHING that happened, literally everything, during that month of time (we talked on the phone a few weeks ago, and I answered all of his questions) - at the time, he knew I was seeing the other guy, but I spared him the details because I wanted my own life/space.

Eventually when he asked for them. I told him EVERYTHING because he wanted to know-- I gave him every little detail - I am not kidding.

I cannot lie to him, because I have always been a terrible liar, and he knows this and will immediately close off if he doesn't get an answer he thinks is the whole answer. I don't know if having all of the details makes it better or worse for him, though............................?

*what he does NOT know at this point is that the other guy made the late night call asking me to go out with him immediately after he told me he did not want to work things out

The other guy knows that I was still talking to my ex boyfriend, and I would even take his calls while he was there. The ONLY things he does not know is *that I tried sleeping with my boyfriend the night after I felt terrible about the virginity thing.

*that since I talked to him that night when he was drunk and asked me out, my ex called and changed his mind and wanted to work things out

While I was doing this, I tried to be as transparent as I could with both of them because I have always hated when people lie to me and I really don't like lying to others.

I know that some things are better left unsaid, but for me, this is a little difficult as I tend to be brutally honest with people when they ask me for all the details.

as u can probably tell in my original post, i tend to spill the beans, even with a little TMI probably.

Lying always makes me very uncomfortable, so that is another reason why this whole situation has been difficult for me to navigate and i really don't like what it has made me become.

August 5, 2012

Break ups are hard and even worse when you are mislead, lied too and cheated on.

Break-ups are hard for dumpees in general. The intensity of the pain for me has never been different due to reason, but due to the position of being the dumpee or the dumper.

All you are doing is chasing her like a lost kitty.

You are very young and you will learn after you have been chewed up and spit out a few times or "friendzoned" (where there it no escape) by attention seeking females that this is a horrible idea.

When you figure it out you will realize the following:

You will know that you are good and a woman would have to be crazy, or just an attention whore to pass up on you and you play second fiddle to no man.

Again, if you're going to ask me a question, then please take the time to read and not assume. Why is it a horrible idea? When I want to be friends with somebody, it's because I want to be friends with somebody. Based on the other guy's words, his exact quote was to be friends and see what happens. Whenever I say, "Let's be friends and see what happens," it's just that. I'll be friends, and if something happens...great. If not, then it's whatever to me.

If you feel that way they do have an ignore feature. I suggest you start using it.

Troll bait is delicious, though I don't feel like you're trolling me with this post.

I was speaking to the OP and not about you or your situation in my last post.

Either your memory sucks, or you're being obtuse. Look again at post #9 in the thread. What part of that thread is addressing the OP at all?

Am I the one that called the OP a whore or attacked her like many other posters did?

No.

I was extermely kind, helpful, understanding and thoughtful with her. I even defended her.

Not directly, but indirectly you did. You have a holier-than-thou and condescending attitude in this thread towards people going through G.I.G.S. You also clearly view the OP as going through this. I can say women are bitches, but no matter how I try to say it, that's still insulting my own mother lol.

I agree.

She still has G.I.G.S.

Confused, conflicted, unsure, lost, not sure what she wants, who she is, immature, selfish, etc.

G.I.G.S. or not, if you are dating or in a relationship with someone who is in this place / condition... It's not going to end well for you.

I'm unsure if this instance of G.I.G.S. wasn't caused by her BF. She wanted commitment, but he didn't. Because of that, she was unsure if she wanted to say with her BF. Emotional manipulation also confuses people. I wouldn't expect her to know anything in her situation if what she says about her ex is true.

This has been addressed within the main G.I.G.S. thread itself several times and in various other threads as well.

If you post a link to where the original G.I.G.S. thread came from, it will be deleted and you will get banned from LS. This site makes money from users posting here and they don't want to send people and advertise competing forums.

By continuing to give credit to where the original G.I.G.S. post came from is the reason my original account (homebrew) was banned.

Also, G.I.G.S. (or whatever you choose to call it) isn't any mystery. Your Grandmother knows what it is (although she might call it something else like "sowing your oats"). It's why most adults tell you to wait before getting serious or warning you not to marry when you are young.

I didn't read through that huge thread to specifically find that tidbit. Your OP is great by itself, and should be almost all that anybody needs.

Cheating is the ultimate betrayal and honesty has nothing to do with it.

Does a cheater who confesses make them less or a cheater and more honest?

A lot of times when a cheater does confess it's solely for selfish reasons. They are sick of carrying around the guilt, shame, etc. so to relieve themselves of the burden, they had it over for the victim to carry from now on.

Honesty has everything to do with this. Look at the adjectives you used. Cheater, liar, etc. It is FACT that based on what we were given, she cheated on him. That's in the past. Are you going to define her based on that one action for the rest of her life? Yes, somebody who is honest in the present is honest in the present. They WERE dishonest in the past. If people have no feeling of guilt, then most moral things in this world wouldn't happen. A kid who steals something but comes back and apologizes for it is to me an honest kid. Somebody who's in the process of growing up. That sounds familiar to me... OP's BF knows everything. I'd say that's more honest than him knowing absolutely nothing. You indirectly called her a liar. Lying isn't being honest, so again, honesty has everything to do with this. Why discuss anything if you continue to say things and then disregard your own words later?

Unless you just want to have fun and have zero emotional attachment...

Dating and entering into a relationship with someone with G.I.G.S. isn't going to end well for you.

Again, you're assuming. We don't know what the other guy wants. I'm going by what the OP quoted from the other guy. He said, "Let's be friends and see what happens." To me, that means, "Let's be friends and see what happens."

If you feel this way, then why are you hear?

In the future do not respond to posts unless the dumper and dumpee both share their story and ask for assistance.

I feel that way about assumptions and extrapolations. Going beyond the facts is misleading and usually doesn't help. Opinions are always welcome, just please don't extrapolate and try to state them as fact.

I see, so everyone is totally and 100% completely honest with themselves and everyone else.

I see countless posts where people say they are over their Ex and later say they weren't and were lying to themselves. I see countless posts where people say they won't fall for breadcrumbs and they do. I see countless posts where the person says they are going to maintain NC and don't. I see countless posts where someone says they are going

When you get dumped it's like a nuclear bomb going off in your life and most people are in shock for quite awhile.

There are also the various "Stages of Grief" we all go through before we are fully healed.

You do know what the last one is... Right? ACCEPTANCE!

Before you get there you go through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.

If you think you are going to deal with someone who is 100% rational and honest with themselves about their situation, their feelings, etc. through that process... You are only kidding yourself.

You have terrible reading comprehension. I said time and time again, NOT everyone/everybody/every situation. YOU keep assuming that for some unknown reason. Did you already forget me saying in a matter of minutes that every BU is different?

What are you 23?

So even though you have little to no dating, relationship or life experience you are a know it all and have all the answers?

I have more answers to my own situations than you. I know much, much better than you about myself. If you think you know more about somebody on a forum based on a forums, then you're pretty conceited.

Hmmm...

I wonder if someone is in the "Bargaining Phase" and trying to rationalize their Ex cheating on them and later sharing it because you want a second chance.

Pretty obvious here that you're still hung up about your ex, and I'm not sure if you try to be as understanding about people going through G.I.G.S. as you made yourself out to be. I don't really want a second chance because I don't really care. I've gone out, met new people, and reconnected with somebody who I really liked but couldn't date due to unrelated circumstances.

I'm sorry, are you speaking to me or yourself?

You. I went NC and moved on. Looking back, I'm not sure how I can remove that distance permanently either, so that's something that my ex and I would have to talk about if she wants another chance. Otherwise, I don't think it's realistic either. I'm talking to YOU, because for some reason, you think you know me better than I know myself.

Still trying to convince yourself?

This is why I think you're trolling. You keep acting like you know me, so I tell you, "No, here's this and this." You go back to square one without even looking at anything that I type and keep bringing up something that's addressed. It's like that little kid on the playground that keeps poking you and asking, "Does this bother you? Does this bother you?" No, it really didn't the first few times, but after a while the aggressor is being annoying.

Again at the age of 23 you have it all figured out huh?

Most Men and Women are not looking for "the one" or even open to getting married before they are 25. Like it, those are the facts.

Even if they were, I would be leery because they do not have the maturity or life experience to know what they are signing up for and committing too.

Don't believe me, I bet almost every adult you ask will tell you to wait till you are a little older before doing it.

No, but I'm addressing the issue that not every relationship is the same. I've dated out of that age bracket before.

WTF!?!?!?!

You are 23 now so at what age where you dating a 50 year old?!?!?!

So now that you found out I dated somebody who was 50, you're freaking out about it? How close-minded. You assumed I had no experience with women outside of the G.I.G.S. age, but when you found out that I did, you reacted as if it was something negative.

Also from personal experience: women in their 40s aren't immune either, and I've seen personal friends in their 40s doing this.

Really?

Back in my day...

Back when I dumped someone back when I was 23, all I did was have to lose their number. I never had any idea of where they were, what they doing, who they were dating, etc.

The only way they could contact me or for me to know anything about them was on my home phone, pager or snail-mail.

Today...

If I was dating someone today at the age of 23 and wanted to remove them entirely from my life below is just the start of what I would have to do:

1. Delete them from your Facebook.
2. Block them on your Facebook.
3. Delete their family from your Facebook.
4. Block their family from your Facebook.
5. Delete their friends from your Facebook.
6. Block their friends from your Facebook.
7. Have your family delete them from their Facebook.
8. Have your family block them on their Facebook.
9. Have your friends delete them from their Facebook.
10. Have your friends block them from their Facebook.
11. Delete their email address.
12. Block their email address.
13. Have your family delete their email address.
14. Have your family block their email address.
15. Have your friends delete their email address.
16. Have your friends block their email address.
17. Change your cell phone number.
18. Delete their text messages.
19. Stop following them on twitter.
20. Etc., Etc., Etc.

Way to quote only one sentence out of an entire paragraph and take it out of context. I'll raise you this. You're saying back in your day, all you had to do was not pursue that person. You didn't call them, you didn't drive by their house, you didn't try to communicate with them. Same thing now. You don't contact them, period. Saying it's more difficult to not contact somebody because there are more options is a strawman. Calling somebody is just as easy as visiting a FB page.

You sound like a fool at this point.

The feelings you go through when you are dumped are no different from 1000 years ago to now. That is never, ever going to change.

However, what has changed you are living proof of.

I'm a fool for citing a statistically significant number? You're a fool for disregarding them. Sure, go ahead and keep looking at "data" with no randomization, no blocking, no tests for statistical significance, nothing. Let's compare how much the world progressed on accurate, tested data vs. none. You're also going off on a completely different tangent. I was talking about how BUs still happen just as frequently now as they did back then. Feelings are irrelevant. Both parties are hurt. Both parties will always be hurt in a BU. I never said that would change.

Back when I was your age, unless I called her at her house and she answered or she called me back when I paged her. Me or my friends were unable to know what an Ex was doing was about impossible unless you had common friends who she spoke too.

Today, you or one of your friends can just look at her Facebook and know everything.

Again, another incorrect assumption. She only updated her FB maybe 4 times a month, and even then, it's never anything significant. I don't crawl her FB either like you ASSUME I'm doing here. Did you just read over the part about me foolishly bringing up us? That means we TALKED. Everything I found out came directly from her.

You sound pretty desperate digging through people's post histories and grasping at straws for more ways to fuel your false assumptions. I'll clarify something that I realized can be misleading. By "messed up," I didn't mean emotionally. I meant I drank too much, but I wasn't drunk. My tolerance for alcohol decreases with age. I intended on getting a couple of free shots and having fun. After those 2 shots, my friend ordered another 2 rounds which I really didn't want, but a friend of mine freaking didn't tell him when it was too late while I was somewhere else. Whatever, not wanting them to go to waste, I drank them and figured I'd be hold them. Nope lol.

I didn't have time to eat before, so I had nothing in my stomach. It was a fun night though. At least I learned that it's physically impossible for me to get drunk lol. They just come right back up.

Is that so?

1. You are the one that sounds defensive, not me.

2. Look at my responses with the OP here and look at yours.

I don't even mention the Ex or the "other guy" to her and I am focusing 100% on her.

Why?

3. I don't care about the Ex or the "other guy" and I don't PROJECT on the OP due to the fact she is not a reflection of any of my Exes, my situation with an Ex, etc.

I sound defensive because this is the first and only time I've ever seen you purposely be so annoying. You're like that kid who's always like, "Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh! Nope! Nuh-uh!"

I adressed her ex and the other guy to her because she wanted advice on what to do concerning both of them. I at least took the time to address every point with a detailed opinion. Like you said yourself, G.I.G.S. people are confused. Giving her one sentence telling her it's G.I.G.S. may enlighten her, but it won't address many of her questions. Again, this is my point. You gave her a blanket statement trying to make her situation the exact same as yours.

Care to point out a post (while taken the entire thing in context) where I say that G.I.G.S. is bad?

9 and 16. The part where you resorted to name-calling without any hard evidence. You're saying things out of your ass because nowhere did the OP or myself say we lied to our exes. Yes, she lied to her ex in the past. I myself have told you that I did not lie to one of my ex, and a friend of mine didn't lie to hers about the situation either. I have no reason to believe my ex lied to me, because she never did lie to me about anything else. If you're going into a relationship and assuming everything's a lie and never giving your partner any trust, then you yourself have some emotional baggage that you need to take care of.

I don't appreciate being called a liar, cheater, and whatever. I've NEVER done any of those things. Why do you think I'm being so defensive? Because you were attacking ME in your first post by trying to twist my personal experiences, my personal actions, and my personal feelings. I loved person A, who I felt was serious about me too, but I was unhappy and blah blah blah. I reconnected with an old flame. Could I have made things work out with Person A? Yes. Did I go live a completely different lifestyle and started hanging out with different people and doing things I normally didn't like doing? Yes. Long story short, I probably had most of the G.I.G.S. symptoms if not all of them.

Did I cheat on Person A? No. Did I sleep with the old flame? Yes. Did I tell Person A instead of hiding it? Yes. Person A's pride was hurt. 2 months NC, LC after that briefly, and constant communication. Was I permanently friend-zoned? Yes, and I still am. Do I care? Not at all, because I do not want a relationship with her. I would have sex with her because she's either a HB9 or HB10, but I would not want a relationship with her. I'm not a fan of short-term, "for fun" relationships. I've almost always looked for something serious and long-term. The older ladies went from FWB to falling really hard for me. One had one long-term relationship that became her marriage and divorce, and the other told me she could count her relationships on one hand.

With that said, they for some reason were looking for something more serious with me (I was definitely not interested because of the age differences), and they started going to bars, doing crazy ****, acting like they're college girls. I'm willing to bet that I was the 50-year-old's first rebound, because she was still in contact with her husband and regularly contacting him (they had a son). After I "dumped" her and hurt her, thus, I wasn't that amazing of a guy, she started hitting the bars like crazy that night looking for sex while I was out of town. We've been in LC, mostly because she was hurt but left the door open, but I was mostly disinterested in keeping contact.

The other person has been hopping around in relationships, dating people completely incompatible with her, and her ex that she had stillbirth children with is her measuring stick. The dude was an ******* to her, but even though she remembers that bad (which was really, really bad), she still vividly remembers the good. I know she kept all of the gifts from him because they meant something to her. She's definitely finding out that the grass isn't greener anywhere else, which is surprising to me...

In fact, I often times end up arguing with G.I.G.S. dumpees like yourself and defending the G.I.G.S. dumper for wanting to end things with you.

What's the point here, then? I'm not attacking any G.I.G.S. dumpers. Why go after me?

I'm sorry that your G.I.G.S. dumped you because she has the want / need / desire to go date other people, sleep around, etc. and do what most kids her age do.

Attacking me isn't going to change that fact or bring her back.

I have dealt with plenty of G.I.G.S. dumpees like you who are living in denial and want to attack me for sharing information about G.I.G.S.

You want to shout me down because you don't really want to know, hear or think about what your Ex is thinking and doing in G.I.G.S. because the thought of it makes you sick in the stomach and hurts.

You aren't my problem or concern. Acceptance is your Promise Land and the sooner you get their, the better off you will feel / be.

Good Luck!

I'll stop attacking you if you stop attacking me. You're the one who started this by not only calling me a liar, but my closest friends since my childhood who have always been there for me and still are. I shouldn't need to go back and constantly remind you of the things you said. Read the damn adjectives you typed in response to what I'VE typed. Actually, read what you responded to. I know I've had ****ty friends, but I spent the past month and a half cutting them out of my life. True friends stick by you, and that's what I believe I have now. You don't even know their names, who they are, or what they look like, so don't say their words are lies and fantasies. That's very insulting, because I am as loyal to my closest friends are they are to me.

I am glad my ex dumped me. It was the kick in my rear that I needed to finally live my life. You're doing the same **** here again. You keep saying I'm in denial and blah blah without reading what I have to say. I've moved on. The situation no longer emotionally pains me. It's one thing to share information. Don't go around attacking people and calling them liars while you're doing it.

I'm pretty sure my ex is probably dating another guy. Good for her, I hope it really works out for her, because trying to work things out with me would be very, very difficult due to a plethora of reasons. I'd probably be unwilling to work things out even 3 years down the line (though possibly 4). It's because as much as I loved her and still respect her, I think that she deserves better. She deserves somebody that can provide her with what she needs, and I need somebody that can provide me with what I need.

I'm was dating around and found somebody who I've always had a huge crush on too. Again, would you mind telling me where I haven't moved on? I bet you're going to dig up something from the PAST again. The past is past, leave it be. The fact that you're trying to bring up my past makes it look like you're trying to deflect things onto me.

Seriously, the past is the past. I don't see how it's really relevant to different people in different situations.

Edited August 5, 2012 by ZhaoZilong5

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