CUPCAKELOVER Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 First, I have been in a relationship with one man since I was 16 and he was 18. :love: He is the only boyfriend I have ever had, and also my only kiss, etc. I am now 22 and he will be turning 25 this year. Note: Throughout our time together, I was never actually deflowered, because I wanted to wait until marriage. At the beginning of our relationship, he lied to me about someone from his past, although they never actually did anything while we were together. I found out through investigation, however, that he had been lying about the fact that they had had a sexual relationship prior to us getting together, and he still would receive calls from her. He sometimes would even answer her calls while I was with him, or would put me on hold while he talked to her. My discovery of his deceit left a huge emotional scar, and made me feel like I could not trust him to tell me the truth about things. He continued to lie about other things throughout our relationship, though they tended to be smaller things. I continued to forgive him and tried to forget about his initial transgression, though it took me a few years to truly get over it. Anyway, the doubt about his word continued to be in my mind. Four years went by; we had had our ups and downs. I had helped him to get over one of his exes and had tried to help him be more emotionally stable, since he claimed to be bipolar and to have mysterious issues from his past to which he would allude, but would never actually reveal to me. I loved him and I believe that he loved me, although he would ignore me a lot, choosing to be with his friends over me/making plans and then breaking them/showing up hours late for dates and not calling to let me know that he would be late. He also would get angry and closed off about things, so I would always try to talk him through his feelings as much as possible. I also ended up doing more things intimately with him than I had wanted to do because I felt that I did not want to lose him or disappoint him (not that he was violent, but rather very persuasive). Once, he went away on a trip to help his friend with a film project, and he made a point of being nearly impossible to reach the entire time. He liked to disappear sometimes, knowing that I would worry, but not seeming to care. Shortly after our four year anniversary, he decided to break up with me. I had been going through a period of depression since I had been questioning my religion and my whole view of life and the afterlife. He broke up with me when I was going through this difficult time. He said that I was too clingy and that he wanted time to work on himself. (In the mean time I was also dealing with my alcoholic mother and her suicidal cries for help ---- this was not a fun summer for me, at all) I cried and cried and did not understand why he was doing this to me. He was willing to meet with me a few times to talk about whether or not we could get back together etc., and we ended up being broken up for about a month. I was an emotional nightmare during this time, and all I could think about was getting back together with him. Finally, one night we met up at a friend's small party, and we decided we would get back together. He wanted me to take him back, and I agreed; however, soon after taking him back I realized that I should have taken a little longer to allow him back into my life, since I had not been in a healthy enough emotional state to actually work on myself or get to know myself. The month we were a part I had spent mourning our relationship and wishing we were together, rather than getting out there and trying to live the single life for a bit. During this time, neither of us had any other partners and that was something that we both said would be a dealbreaker for us. So, we got back together, and things were okay, but I still felt resentment towards him for breaking up with me when I had not done anything to him but be faithful, loyal, honest, supportive, and caring. (his parents still don't know that he was the one to break u with me/that we were broken up; he never told them) He continued to be a little distant and not very focused on me as his girlfriend. He did not want to come visit me often, even though he only lives 10 minutes away. (I tried to see him when i could, but I was very busy because i was working and going to college - he was only working and part time at that) Once, he had the nerve to call me right before I had a class at my university to say he was going to go on a long car trip with his female friend who was going out of town to buy concert tickets and did not want to go alone. This pissed me off royally because he was willing to go out of his way to spend so much time with her but couldn't be bothered to take ten minutes to see me, HIS GIRLFRIEND. I ended up explaining my anger to him and ultimately saying, "Do whatever the f*&$^ you want to do, but don't expect to hear from me!" He could not understand my frustration and was pissed at me for being angry with him. I was really hurt and went into my class crying and irritated beyond belief. (He told her he couldn't go and ended up not going in the end, but I could't believe that he had considered it in the first place when he had been treating me so poorly). I bought him concert tickets to MUSE, his favorite band, as an anniversary present and the whole time, he like didn't want to hold my hand or be romantic, and was trying to text his friend (the same girl) to see if he could see her and say hi. What a great date that was. (going back to earlier in our relationship, I remember other times when he would make me feel less than, or last choice. For example, there were these two girls in high school who he referred to as his sisters, even though they were just close friends. Once, we went to an outdoor movie in a park where there were a lot of people and these two girls were there. I kept trying to get my boyfriend to sit with me or lay down with me in the grass so that we could watch the film, but he wouldn't. He then said he was going to go say hi to the sisters, and I was like, okay, and he went over to them and the next thing i know he is laying next to them on the grass with his head resting on one of their legs, while they are playing with his hair! That inspired another jealous blow-up on my end. I was seriously just feeling like WTF? another incident---- i would try calling him and he wouldn't answer and then his phone would be off. His excuse the next time i would see him would be ----- oh, ryon (his close guy friend) turned off my phone. My thoughts were why did u let him? and wtf? u couldn't turn it back on and call me?) ) Six months after getting back together, he finally revealed to me his dark childhood secret, and I was shocked. I could not understand why he wouldn't tell me earlier, when I had asked so many times about this issue and I had specifically asked about any sexual experiences he had had (the secret involved a few unwanted sexual encounters). However, although I was initially shocked, and angry with the person who did those things with him, I was able to accept that he was more a victim than anything. I tried to ask him questions about the subject and then I told him I would never bring it up again, which I didn't. I was glad that he had finally shared with me, because I felt like he might actually trust me the way that I wanted him to (the way that boyfriend and girlfriends should trust each other and feel like they can tell each other anything). I continued to harbor dislike for the family member that did things to him, but I bit my tongue whenever she was around because I realized it would not help. I convinced him to go to counseling to help him deal with the feelings about being molested which he had obviously never dealt with. He never even told his parents about the instances, so i was the only other person who knew. That always made me feel uncomfortable. He went to counseling and he started to seem happier and began treating me better --- (before this he often had these dark spells and dark moods that nothing could pull him out of). In the time since, he has been much better and more attentive and has called more often/been answering his phone more, which is nice. He told me one evening that he believed i was the one for him. he always would take me to hang out with his friends etc. the past year or two, i have been getting impatient because of his talk about me being the one, but no concrete steps toward an official commitment or engagement. I had shown him the kinds of rings i liked, and even told him that he did not have to have a ring to propose because what actually mattered to me was a formal commitment and proposal/expression of love, so that our relationship would become legitimate. Seriously, i told him that he could propose to me with a ring made of daisies or grass and that would be fine, what would matter is the words and intent behind the proposal. We wanted to move in together, but I told him I would not move in without a proposal and a date set for the wedding because I know that guys sometimes get too comfortable when they live with their significant others before getting married and sometimes never would propose. I did not want to deal with any stigma that might be associated with us living together prior to a commitment especially when I had worked so hard to be a virgin and to not get caught in any compromising positions by either of our families, ever! he seemed to think that i was pushing the idea of marriage too hard and he said he did not want to even think about it until he was 25...which is coming up in a few months. Things seemed to be going well in our relationship otherwise. He recently changed jobs to a job that he loves although he has to now commute five days a week for about an hour and a half each day, so I was only really getting to see him on the weekends. This all could be changed by moving in together, but I was not moving in with him without a proposal, and he was saying he did not want to propose yet (he had to save money, etc. - when I know he made enough to buy a simple ring and spent a lot of his money on toys like guns,,,,,,blah blah blah --- if he really intended to buy a ring, he could have and would have). So you see, our relationship was in a bit of a stalemate. ---(also, i mentioned to him the idea of both of us taking a little time to possibly date other people since i had never dated anyone else before, but he said he did not want anyone else------ he said i could go out and have fun, but that if i kissed anyone or anything else i would have to tell him immediately------------i ended up feeling bad because he was hurt that i even suggested it, and so i told him nvm that I would just stay with him alone. i did not think it would be fair if i were the only one out there dating...) Here comes the month of may......the month of my birthday, my graduation from college, and our 6 year anniversary. I had been hoping that he would pop the question during this month, but every time I even hinted at it, he would say no, not now, i am not ready....... so i set myself up to be disappointed on yet another string of special occasions. my birthday came, and all i said I wanted was for him to come and spend time with me. SERIOUSLY, if he wasn't going to propose, I just wanted to f***** see him on the actual day. So what happens? he shows up at like midnight on my birthday after saying he would show up hours ago. He says he was planning for the following day when he would be taking me around a local town........THIS PLANNING COULD HAVE BEEN DONE FLIPPING WEEKS AGO. ALL I WANTED WAS TO SPEND THE DAY WITH HIM AND HE COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT! ----- the following day was nice, but we didn't even leave until 3 o' clock, and he was like telling me we should have left earlier when he was the one holding us back from leaving earlier... anyways, we went out and then the day after that was my graduation ---- he sat through it and helped save seats which was really sweet. The day after that i went to an event with his family, which he failed to notify me of until like two hours beforehand, and at this event was the family member who molested him, and it made me uncomfortable even though she was very welcoming and sweet and blah blah blah with me... i began thinking do i want to have this person in my life for the rest of my life? During the rest of the week, my bf stayed home because he had allergies, so i went to visit him....the whole time i was there he was fixing guns and basically ignoring me, when i had to leave I invited him to go with me to my dance class which is only an hour long, and i offered to drop him off somewhere else in town if he wanted, but he refused, and so I left a little irritated that I came over at all. the next day, he was supposed to come see me, and didn't. In the meantime, there is this guy who comes into my work very often, like usually twice a day, and i have seen him come in for at least 6 months. We had been friendly with each other, just chatting like i do with many customers, but in April, he started inviting me to come and "hang out" with him and his friends, since they lived very close to my work and he said they always had something going on. I had asserted that maybe I would, sometime....but gave no definitive answer, thinking that maybe it was just a kind offer. However, a week later, he asked again, "so when are you gonna come hang out?" and i again gave a vague answer so as not to be rude....anyway, then he was like, "well i get done with my practice at 3, when do you get off work?" and i told him when i got off work...he wanted to know if I had any plans and I said not really.....so he was like, "well, here's my number and call me and let me know." I then told him, "let me be honest with you, I have a boyfriend...and I don't think he would like that." then the guy responded to me saying, "We're just gonna hang out," looking at me like why would i think something more... (BTW - this guy was cute and often smiled at me and had eyes that were like magnetic.....tall dark and handsome---- and he was my age - just a few months younger--- and he was going to school and playing a sport =------ for some reason i found him very attractive-- dangerously so). So i took his number and i was nervous but excited.....normally i would ignore this kind of attention but i had been seeing him for weeks and i knew I would have more interactions with him at my lace of business so i felt like if i didn't contact him it my be awkward. so i texted him later on in the day saying thanks but that i just went home after work and I offered for him to add me as a friend on facebook, if he had one (he did not add me). We texted back and forth a little and he invited me to come over-- saying it was his roommates b-day and they were gonna be going out and stuff- but i let saying my bf wouldn't like it and i left it at that, being nice and friendly. the guy texted me again a few nights after asking what i was up to and i gave him a brief response "swimming," because I found it odd that he texted again...... later that week, he came into my work a few more times and we talked about our weekends and what went on based on our txt convos. one of the times he again mentioned that i should come hang out and i said maybe when i can bring a friend....i knew i was attracted to him and I felt that if i could bring a friend, then i could resist any attraction i might have and could actually become friends with this person, since i do not have a lot of friends in the area any longer. the next day he came in and said, "hey i got a new phone so i don't have ur number....just text me." I went to go get a pen for him to sign his debit card receipt, and he thought i was running to get it so that i could give him my number, but I was like "no, it's for you to sign your receipt." I think he felt stupid for thinking i was so eager to give him my number again. I waited and didn't text him my number until two days later----i decided to run a google search on him to make sure everything checked out (which i should have done earlier) anyways, when it did, i felt bad for doubting him and i decided to text him the next day with my number. He came in twice before i texted him my number and smiled and waved because i think he was confused as to why i did not txt him yet. on friday i texted him my nu,ber when i got off work --i told him I was free and asked him what he and his friends were doing.... he said they were gonna go swimming and asked if i needed a ride, i said no i could drive myself because i was trying to play it safe ------ so yeah i went swimming with them. and then they wanted to go out to a ball game and to a bar. In the meantime, I had been waiting for my boyfriend to get off work so that i could go and meet him at my house. he finally called, but i was scared to tell him where i was or who i was with because i knew he would be upset (i had told him about the guy giving me his number when it happened and he had not taken it well). instead i asked him if he wanted to go out that night, (because the guy and his friends had said that he could come if he wanted to) but he said no and that he would probably be too tired. I felt rejected again and i was like, fine, and we hung up. Sooooooooo, i waited for him to get home and called at about 7:30 when he should have been home, and he didn't answer. I was going to go to the ball game with these people and then come home if he was home, but he didn't answer, so i just left and went to the ball game. all of a sudden like half an hour later i have a ton of missed calls from my mother and from my bf and i call them both back and i decide to tell my bf i am with "people I know from work" at a ball game. he says, "have fun," because he assumes that i am with female co-workers. From there, I went to the bar with this guy and then I went back to his house where there were quite a few people playing beer pong, watching tv. I did not drink and i told the guy that i didn't drink and although they offered they didn't care if i refused. I played beer pong but had the guy drink all of the beer except one half of a cup, which I drank because i felt bad that he was downing all the others. (Btw- these people also did mj and were drinking quite a bit - i was the sober driver).... i also played chess with the guy and we talked about stuff and he seemed really cool....and we had been friendly, but not too flirty the entire day === every time i would say that i needed to leave or that i wasn't going to stay however, he would look at me like disappointed and i felt bad because i did like spending time with him and it was exciting being out, so i would stay a little longer. anyway, by like midnight or 1 am, we are sitting on the couch and this guy asks to kiss me and i say no i have a boyfriend and you know that... he leans in and keeps leaning in and I am like "no, no, no..." and he's like "why are u with him? every time i see u at work u look unhappy --- and here u are smiling, i just want to kiss you"..."you're so pretty and i'm really attracted to you.."..yeah so i was not planning on it but i was like "okay....one kiss" and i let him kiss me. and then i told him i was gonna leave, but he didn't want me to leave and was like, "but u didn't even kiss me back." so i gave in and kissed him and again said "okay i need to go. u got what you wanted --- u got one kiss." anyways, u see where this is going -- we made out a bit - and he started kissing my neck all over and he wanted to go to his room, but i said "no--- i don't trust you ---- no".....but he was like "i don't want anyone to see us or bother us... come on..." i said "no" and started walking out the door, and then he like picked me up and smiled and said "i'm taking u with me," and i became like a deadweight, but i didn't kick or scream and i just kind of decided "oh well" and then he took me to his room where we made out some more and i enjoyed it --- but he started getting handsy and I kept moving his hands to more appropriate places and then i would periodically get up and say "that's enough i want to leave" and would make my way toward the door, but he would follow me and keep the door shut and then would start kissing me again ---- things went on like this for a few hours---- my top came off after resisting that a few times --- eventually he undid my jeans and i zipped them back up and said no, but he did it again and touched me and then moved them down and proceeded to go down on me briefly, which felt nice, but is not what i intended to happen ------ i told him no, but i wasn't very loud or firm about it and he took my hands and placed them on his head.... i was enjoying the excitement but the whole time I was feeling bad for my bf, and I told the guy what i was feeling ----- He had been drinking, but he would see my face and be like, "what's wrong?" and i would tell him, "i can't believe i am doing this to my bf" to which he would respond, "just break up with him, it seems like you are over it anyway..." and would continue to kiss me......so the night went on like that but i never did anything to the guy except kiss him and i already told you what he did to me.... when he touched me i grabbed his hand and made him stop and he wanted to know if it hurt --- i said "a little" because i had never had anything "in there" before and he was like... "are u a virgin?" and i told him technically yeah---- and then he stopped and just went back to kissing me... I again tried to leave, several times, but he kept saying "no stay its 3 in the morning, why do u have to go home?" and he would pull me back to the bed and i eventually just gave up.... he was like "here put your head here," gesturing to his shoulder... and so i rested my head there and we both fell asleep. i woke up two hours later and saw that he was sleeping and i finally got up and left -- he heard me leaving and was like "hey, stay for breakfast i will make u pancakes -- its almost breakfast time---- "(he had been saying that before he went to sleep) and I was like "no i really am leaving." and he walked me outside and tried to kiss me before I left but i avoided him... and i finally went home.... I immediately called my boyfriend ( who had been calling me all night, but my phone had been on silent, and i had decided i didn't care)..........................he came over right away and i told him EVERYTHING that happened.........he initially said he forgave me and he looked really pale, like a ghost, and he was really angry, saying, "You Cheated on me!" and he started crying and i felt terrible and i was still in shock about the fact that the whole thing had happened at all........ anyways, i told him i was sorry and i didn't mean for it to happen..........but u know nothing i can say or do can really help him.......i stayed the night outside of my bf's house all night in my car the following night because i felt so bad for him and about what happened. i called him and tried meeting him at his work several times this past week to say i was sorry and to try to help him make it through this, but my presence has only caused him more pain. bf showed up at my work one day, looking for the guy to beat his ass but i didn't want him to get in trouble or for the other guy to get hurt because i know my bf would have beat his ass (he is a martial artist with a black belt who knows how to handle weapons). i did not want my bf to go to jail and i felt the other guy hadn't really hurt me, although he did not listen when i said no. (I was used to that, however, because of how my bf used to be with our sexual relationship). also, later on in the morning when the event happened, the other guy called me and wanted to meet up and eat or have breakfast and to talk, but i told him no, maybe another day --- so i met up with him on that sunday and he made me pancakes and we played chess and we discussed what happened. he told me everything he remembered, but that he was really drunk, and that he really like me and was attracted to me.....and he wished i didn't have a bf--- that i should break it off with him.... I told him that i wanted to work things out with my bf and that this couldn't happen again.... i asked him if this was his plan all along? and he said no, that it was the first time i actually came to hang out with him and that he was really attracted to me and that he couldn't help it-----he really liked me etc. I asked if he wanted to be friends or if he wanted to hook up or something else, and he smiled and said "i don't know, friends and maybe something else....." and then i said, "Oh i see, well, we can only be friends. I think I wanna work things out with my bf." he said, "Can u be happy with him?" i said "I think so, yeah." and he tried saying, "well what would happen if i kissed u again?" i told him, "Please don't and please don't stare at me because it makes me nervous because I am attracted to you too." I pushed him away gently and instead said, "sorry, but we can only be friends, not that i didn't enjoy some of what happened" I then gave him a quick hug and said i would see him around. he said, "Let me know what happens." later on in the week, my bf decided he couldn't be with me right now, so we are broken up and i am single....that guy texted me and i responded and he has been calling and texting often for me to go hang out....however, i told my bf, now ex, that i would play by the rules of not going further than kissing with someone else.......i said a lot of confusing things to my bf like the fact that i might want to have more flings while single and while i still could, but that in the end i still wanted to be with him. right now, my ex bf thinks i am a liar and he cannot trust anything i say..........it sucks because i have always been the honest one and all of a sudden this &$*$& happened and my relationship is down the drain. I did not intend for cheating to happen and i did not want to hurt my bf, but now it is too late and i don't know how to convince him that i want to be with him. i am trying to give him space but it is hard. he has told me that i am now tainted and that i used to be pure, but that now he sees me as tainted and that he doesn't know if he can get that out of his head.....seriously i did not even touch this other guy's private area and his pants were not even off----------- i just want everyone's opinion of this whole situation and i want to see what they think.... can i save my relationship with my bf (now ex bf)? should i try(does he seem worth it)? What about this other guy? what do you think his deal is (he continues to call me now and wants to hang out and go eat and stuff)? i am going through waves of emotion--- some days numb -- other days i feel like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders--- other days hopeful about having fun--- and then more often heavy hearted and sad for my bf and for our lost relationship ex bf agreed to see me on the 20th and i tried to tell him i wanted to see him to prove that our relationship still meant something, but there really wasn't anything i could say that would make it better.... BTW: bf later said he was going to propose on our anniversary - the 20th--- and that he had just been working up the courage to ask my dad---- (i dk if it's true or not, but it certainly makes me kick myself even more-- which may be why he told me that) also, he was really upset that i didn't call him/ask him to step in when the guy was making advances and tells me i should have resisted more -- he doesn't understand why this happened and i don't fully understand either -- i think it was a combo of things going on, but yeah FML also, i don't go out a lot/am not very social so this is a lot for me to process.... PLEASE HELP! i have never been the cause of so much drama/ i have always made careful decisions/graduated from university summa cum laude/i never drank or smoked or sneaked out of the house/always supported my bf/ did my best to remain a virgin and now my life feels like a F$*$&ing soap opera.
d'Arthez Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 i just want everyone's opinion of this whole situation and i want to see what they think.... can i save my relationship with my bf (now ex bf)? should i try(does he seem worth it)? I think the ex certainly could have handled things a bit better, but as I have no idea of the commitments in his life, it is hard to tell if he was making excuses or if he was simply keeping too much distance from you. Part of the problem may well be his childhood experiences - that he struggles a bit with intimacy, and he handles that by keeping you a bit at a distance. Thus, as upsetting some of the "ignore" behaviours are to you, these behaviours you are upset about (such as the way he treats his "sisters"), may also indicate that he has healthy boundaries, and would not pursue these girls while in a relationship with you. Your "lack of purity" may be a huge turnoff for him, because of his childhood experiences, when his own purity was taken away. Thus in a way this whole horrid episode may remind him of some unresolved conflicts within himself. From what you have written, there is no reason to suggest that he would lie about the proposal, and if you are from a conservative family, where tradition mandates that he should ask your father for your hand, then that indeed can be quite daunting. To me it seems, there is definitely some thing worth saving in this relationship. You need to come to terms with what happened, and why things moved beyond just hanging out with people. As long as you don't understand that about yourself, your ex will not take you back (and he should not). What about this other guy? what do you think his deal is (he continues to call me now and wants to hang out and go eat and stuff)? Forget about the other guy. He does not respect your boundaries, and I am not even sure if he acted within the confines of the law that night, that he kept you in his room. He does not respect your boundaries, does not respect the commitment you have made to your boyfriend, what more do you need to know? Don't see him, don't give him any ideas.
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