Wantsmore21 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Ok so here goes- first time. I'm desperate to change so let's see if anyone can help I have been on and off with the same guy for over a year. We were friends for three years prior to dating. He knew everything about me. It seemed as though I had put a genuine " nice guy" into the friend zone- so decided to give it a shot! Things were great- attentive- loyal - honest- treated me like a queen. After a couple months ( short time I know) he decided he needs space. We try and back off but can't seem to stay away. Fast forward to nOw- the past year has been up and down- back and forth. Fighting -yelling -name calling- even the occasional physical violence- I know- run! Don't come back! Only idiots go back after someone hits them. I'm an idiot I suppose. I can't leave him. I want to- I try to - I always go back. I know I deserve better. I want better. I can't stop. Well spend every single night together- but then if we disagree on something- he starts with " I told you I want a break! Why won't you leave me alone!" And when I do- he comes back. Well find excuses- I need to get my belongings etc- ill come back to what is expected to be a short trip to pick up something's --- next thing I know- were having dinner, getting along, and I'm sleeping over every night for the next 2 weeks or so. I'd like to add- he helps me in anyway i need- he fills my fridge with groceries- helps pay my rent when im behind on bulls- etc-- and we never have sex. We haven't had sex in about 6 months- his choice. Not mine What gives? If its not sex - why does he keep me around? We never are apart for more then a few days- and I never have the strength to leave him and stay gone for good. I want so much better for myself. I'm starting a new job soon. Maybe that'll help to keep me busy- but I'm not so sure. Why can't we stay away from each other?
Chunky Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 If there is physical violence then you either need to leave him or get him some professional help. Maybe he is codependent. It sounds like he can't be alone. If you are unhappy you need to either talk it out and fix things or leave.
Emilia Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Ok so here goes- first time. I'm desperate to change so let's see if anyone can help I have been on and off with the same guy for over a year. We were friends for three years prior to dating. He knew everything about me. It seemed as though I had put a genuine " nice guy" into the friend zone- so decided to give it a shot! Things were great- attentive- loyal - honest- treated me like a queen. After a couple months ( short time I know) he decided he needs space. We try and back off but can't seem to stay away. Fast forward to nOw- the past year has been up and down- back and forth. Fighting -yelling -name calling- even the occasional physical violence- I know- run! Don't come back! Only idiots go back after someone hits them. I'm an idiot I suppose. I can't leave him. I want to- I try to - I always go back. I know I deserve better. I want better. I can't stop. Well spend every single night together- but then if we disagree on something- he starts with " I told you I want a break! Why won't you leave me alone!" And when I do- he comes back. Well find excuses- I need to get my belongings etc- ill come back to what is expected to be a short trip to pick up something's --- next thing I know- were having dinner, getting along, and I'm sleeping over every night for the next 2 weeks or so. I'd like to add- he helps me in anyway i need- he fills my fridge with groceries- helps pay my rent when im behind on bulls- etc-- and we never have sex. We haven't had sex in about 6 months- his choice. Not mine What gives? If its not sex - why does he keep me around? We never are apart for more then a few days- and I never have the strength to leave him and stay gone for good. I want so much better for myself. I'm starting a new job soon. Maybe that'll help to keep me busy- but I'm not so sure. Why can't we stay away from each other? It sounds to me OP that you are in a relationship with a man that suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. Read up on it. It's something that won't get better, despite his more lucid moments when he is loving and loyal to you. The absence of sex is also a great indicator, he might have been abused as a child. He is appealing to something inside you that keeps you captive. Before getting into that though, tell us about your parents. Did/do they have a good relationship? What is their personality like?
Author Wantsmore21 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Thanks everyone for reading. My parents were married 18 years- divorced when I was probably 15. They never hit each other or anything. My dad wasn't around very much- he worked 2 jobs. My mom drank a lot and married twice after. Never physical violence. And also what did you mean by " he has something appealing that's keeping me captive" Thank you so much everyone for your concern and support
Emilia Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I grew up with divorced parents, my father was an alcoholic but a good person deep down, now I know he was also clinically depressed. My mother is a narcisist. They divorced when I was 7 and I had a fairly difficult childhood with a controlling mother and a father who behaved like a child much of the time. So I am naturally used to dealing with difficult people and I dated a Borderline man as well (though he never abused me). I'm just trying to give you a little background here. I can't tell you exactly what's wrong with your man (thought I do recognise BPD tendencies in his behaviour) but I think that growing up with dysfunctional parents, an absent father and an alcoholic mother, has ingrained patterns in you that allows you to think that dysfunctional relationships are ok. They are not ok and you are being abused. You found each other because he grew up in an abusive home of some kind and the two of you relate to each other through that shared experience. Clearly you are self aware enough to know you shouldn't be in this situation. You need to be aware of how this works, get out of this relationship and perhaps seek counselling to understand what it is that drives you when it comes to relationships.
Silly_Girl Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I didn't like reading your post. It stressed me. I was with a guy who I didn't realise had BPD. He was just like you describe, but he could be very nasty indeed. Nothing would have helped him. Not the 2 courses of couples counselling, or the IC, or involving family members, nor anti-depressants or any one of a number of things I tried. I wore myself down. I loved his kids and I loved the 'good' him and it took a lot for me to break free. I had to do it surreptitiously because he was adamant he'd kill me if I left. Please do all you can to remove yourself from this. Please ensure family and friends truly know how things are for you and can support you.
Author Wantsmore21 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Thank you again. I'd also like to add that when he does act " violent" he does it in a way that I know he's not really trying to hurt me. Hell slap me- but not hard enough to leave a mark or even make a noise really. He almost does it just to bully me kind of. Or startle me. He will pinch me or things like that. I know he could hurt me if he wanted to- but he's able to restrain himself from actually using force. Ideas?
It's Just Me Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 This is not normal behaviour in a healthy relationship. No matter how much 'restraint' is being used. Bullying? Startling? WTF? A real relationship is built on respect, love, support and kindness. What makes you think you don't deserve any less than that? What makes you accept this BS? Forget analyzing this loser clown. Check in with yourself, right now, girl.
Author Wantsmore21 Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 I know! what's wrong with ME?! I'm a smart girl- I know I should leave- but everytime I do- I regret it- I miss him I ache to not be afraid anymore. I wish I could go When I first leave- I feel relieved. No more being scared- but I go back everytime.
Author Wantsmore21 Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 He says he's not sexually attracted to me- which is why he won't have sex with me. I know I deserve better. But when he calls- I answer. I actually feel guilty when I ignore his calls. He tells me if I get psychological help to boost my confidence hed be attracted to me again and would marry me.
Emilia Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 He says he's not sexually attracted to me- which is why he won't have sex with me. I know I deserve better. But when he calls- I answer. I actually feel guilty when I ignore his calls. He tells me if I get psychological help to boost my confidence hed be attracted to me again and would marry me. He was most likely sexually abused when he was a child, hence his condition. The guilt factor comes from the attachment you feel and his neediness when he isn't turning on you. I think there has been enough information provided for you on this thread to allow you to make up your mind on what you want to do. As much as I sympathise, this is getting a little pathetic.
Author Wantsmore21 Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 Pathetic? Really? I assumed this site was kind of a safe haven. A place I could speak freely- without being judged. Everyone has issues, right? No ones perfect. I know I'm in a bad situation. I know I could benefit from therapy- I guess I was just looking for perhaps someone who has been in this situation before - someone who could possibly relate- and tell me how to help myself- as well as him- I was hoping someone out there might have experience going thru something similar- and give advice that worked for them.
Emilia Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 You are not listening, if you want pity, this isn't the right place for it. People tell you to get out of the abusive relationship, they tell you to seek counselling so you can avoid being in a similar relationship, they also draw on their personal experiences so you don't feel on your own. The next step is yours to take.
Author Wantsmore21 Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 Thank you everyone- I apologize if it seemed as though I was wanting pity. I appreciate everyone reading and responding.
Emilia Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Thank you everyone- I apologize if it seemed as though I was wanting pity. I appreciate everyone reading and responding. Didn't mean to upset you. Are you going to leave him?
Author Wantsmore21 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Yes, I very much want to leave. I am not sure the best way to go about it. I know if I tell him I am leaving, he will not take it seriously,as I always come back. Should I just ignore any texts, phone calls etc he tried to use to contact me? As I said, I usually end up coming back when he asks me to. Or is it best to just reply that I am sorry, but I am not coming back this time? I know it may seem common sense, but I am afraid of hurting him. What is the best way to go about it?
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