snowangel64 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Me and my ex broke up a little while ago but have remained casual friends, catching the occasional concert and texting a little back and forth. The break-up has been harder on me than him but its been okay. Last week at a party I ran into a girl I knew. I met her through my ex, and he'd always assured me that there was nothing between them. Anyway, she asked me how I was doing, and I told her it'd be a little tough since the break-up, especially as my ex was currently sleeping with some girl who was in town for the summer. What I didn't realize was that my ex was sleeping with this girl too!! She confronted him later that night and there was a big drama scene because even though she and my ex weren't dating, he had told her she was the only one he was sleeping with. Anyway, my ex got really depressed because the girl refused to sleep with him anymore, and then he told me he was mad at ME for spilling the beans! He says that I "ruined his game" and he doesn't want to be friends anymore. I think he's being an immature jerk for blaming me that he was playing two girls and got caught. He's been super insensitive about our break-up too, just acting really obnoxious and showing how "over me" he is after he dumped me. I think I'm right but if I'm not, then I will apologize. Do you guys think I did anything wrong here?
Art_Critic Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 You didn't tell her on purpose or for the purpose of revenge on your ex so it isn't your problem. Tell him to pack it and go spend your time with someone new. 2
RiverRunning Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Why are you even hanging out with your ex? Did you at least have a break in contact between breaking up and being friends? If not, I think you're doing yourself a major disservice and you're hindering your chances of moving on too. Why should you even know who your ex is sleeping with? The more intricately you're connected to this guy, the worse it's going to be for everybody involved. It's very immature of him to get upset because his own gossip got back to one of his marks. When he told you he didn't want to be friends anymore, you should've replied, "Good riddance!" and immediately blocked him from your phone, on Facebook, etc. That will help you get rid of the incentive to contact him, and it also helps solidify that the break is clear. I think you need to show him how "really over" him you are - by putting him out of your life and moving onto greener pastures. Bringing people into your life who aren't the sorts to try and prove over and over again how 'over' somebody they are. I worked in a copying center at my college campus years ago, and my ex knew that (the copying center overlooked the college cafeteria). Three months after I dumped him, he showed up with his new girlfriend, knowing well he was in my plain sight, and started cuddling with her and kissing her. I moved to block my view. He suggested they get up and move - this time, directly in front of me, nothing to obstruct my view - and started doing it again. Why tolerate garbage like that? If he's over you, he doesn't need to show it by emphasizing how over it he is. 2
It's Just Me Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Yeah, I don't understand the whole 'staying friends' thing, either. When you're gone from my life, you are gone from my life. I erase everything - FB, phone numbers, email addresses, texts. You never existed, and don't get to know anything about my life any longer. Of course, this works because I don't have kids. Shared custody is a different story, although FB would most certainly be blocked, and there would be no socializing.
proseandpassion Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 You exposed him as a liar? Oh, poor him. 2
verhrzn Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Yeah' date=' I don't understand the whole 'staying friends' thing, either. When you're gone from my life, [b']you are gone from my life[/b]. I erase everything - FB, phone numbers, email addresses, texts. You never existed, and don't get to know anything about my life any longer. Of course, this works because I don't have kids. Shared custody is a different story, although FB would most certainly be blocked, and there would be no socializing. I can understand this 'salt the earth' policy if it was a relationship that ended badly, or involved abuse or something... But speaking for myself, I am sick of not being friends with exes. (This thread kind of inspired me to make one of my own.) I mean, you build up this great connection, share all of these memories and jokes and friends... and just because it doesn't work romantically, you put a torch to all that? It didn't work romantically; why does that mean it wouldn't work for exes to be friends? Anyway... OP, hopefully the guy will calm down and realize what an illogical jerk he's being. It just makes no sense to blame you for him playing two girls and having one find out. So for now, just roll your eyes and wait for the initial irrational anger to die down. 1
plastic Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 you are definately not in the wrong here. And as for ruining his game, well of course if you have been in a relationship you are going to lose your game. A proper one that is not one where you are cheating. It sounds as though you are still hung up on him? And if so you need to move on..easier said than done I know.
tachan Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I can understand this 'salt the earth' policy if it was a relationship that ended badly, or involved abuse or something... But speaking for myself, I am sick of not being friends with exes. (This thread kind of inspired me to make one of my own.) I mean, you build up this great connection, share all of these memories and jokes and friends... and just because it doesn't work romantically, you put a torch to all that? It didn't work romantically; why does that mean it wouldn't work for exes to be friends? Anyway... OP, hopefully the guy will calm down and realize what an illogical jerk he's being. It just makes no sense to blame you for him playing two girls and having one find out. So for now, just roll your eyes and wait for the initial irrational anger to die down. I am friends with one of my exes. yes there is a transition from bf to friend but it took a number of years to get there. He is now considered one of my good friends. I guess it just depends how bad ur break up is.
It's Just Me Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 just because it doesn't work romantically, you put a torch to all that? Really? Yes, I put a torch to all that. You don't like me and you dumped me? Done. I don't like you and I dumped you? Gone. We're not friends, we're not partners, it didn't work out. What's to discuss? I have real friends, and you're not one of them. Never mind that I don't really want to explain to my next honey why I'm still friends with my ex. Nor would I accept that my new honey was still in contact with his (unless they had kids together). "Friends" on FB? I don't think so. Call me crazy. 1
verhrzn Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Really? Yes, I put a torch to all that. You don't like me and you dumped me? Done. I don't like you and I dumped you? Gone. We're not friends, we're not partners, it didn't work out. What's to discuss? I have real friends, and you're not one of them. Never mind that I don't really want to explain to my next honey why I'm still friends with my ex. Nor would I accept that my new honey was still in contact with his (unless they had kids together). "Friends" on FB? I don't think so. Call me crazy. It's not crazy, I just think it's harsh. Just because someone doesn't like you romantically, doesn't mean they dislike you as a person or even as a friend. And stuff that can make a romantic relationship fail might not matter in a friendship. As to explaining it to the new bf/gf... meh. I think there has to be some modicum of trust and good boundaries. I feel a lot more comfortable with the ex I CAN see (I see how they interact, I know how much they talk or hang out) than the ex I can't. If a guy isn't over his ex, it's obvious in person. And I think it's a great way to gauge if a guy is good at setting boundaries... if he and an ex are actually friends, it means he knows how to be friendly without crossing a line, even with women he's attracted to. I call that a "win" character-wise. 1
It's Just Me Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I can understand what you're saying, and you make some good points. I just think that when there's heartbreak involved, there's a sense of betrayal that ensues - at least for me. And if I've broken up with someone, I don't wish to give them any false hope of reconciliation by staying friends. Yes, a scorched-earth policy is harsh, but it's the only way to get proper closure and move forward - for me, anyway. And, just so you don't think I'm a total nutjob (), I have reached out to some former flames to say 'hello, how are you?', but only many, many years after the fact.
NoMagicBullet Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) It's not crazy, I just think it's harsh. Just because someone doesn't like you romantically, doesn't mean they dislike you as a person or even as a friend. And stuff that can make a romantic relationship fail might not matter in a friendship. . In my experience, if the romantic relationship was lacking, the post-romance friendship is lacking, too. Why bother making an effort to hang onto an ex who really isn't that great of a friend? (Like snowangel's ex.) I have other friends who who live up to the title; I don't need a lukewarm hanger-on who continues to remind me why it didn't work in the first place. ... If a guy isn't over his ex, it's obvious in person. And I think it's a great way to gauge if a guy is good at setting boundaries... if he and an ex are actually friends, it means he knows how to be friendly without crossing a line, even with women he's attracted to. I call that a "win" character-wise. I call it "keeping his options open". Why is he staying in touch with a woman he's attracted to? Not to be platonic friends, that's for sure! I've never seen a man who was friendly with his exes (children not involved) who had well-defined boundaries between friends and lovers -- in all cases, friends and lovers were interchangable with these men. These dudes were always waiting for an opportunity to cross that line. Actually, to go back and forth across it when it was convenient for them, with little concern for any of the other parties involved. Back to your OP, snowangel... you do not owe him an apology. You didn't disclose the information maliciously. You didn't know he was sleeping with that girl, and obviously she didn't know he was sleeping with someone else! He's dug his own hole, and those are the consequences of him sleeping with multiple women, lying to them about it, and telling you who he's sleeping with. He should be taking responsibility for his own actions here, not blaming you for him not getting laid. Honestly, the guy is disgusting. This is not the type of person who makes a good friend. Cut him loose, cut off contact, and spend your time with people who treat you better than this. Edited August 2, 2012 by NoMagicBullet Addition, grammar
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