miguelangel Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 My gf and I lived together for four years but problems started when she became very invested in work and began an emotional affair with a coworker. When her infatuation continued after I brought it up with her, I broke up with her while still having feelings for her. I moved out of house we shared, but agreed to split the costs and I'd use it while she was gone. About a week later it was my turn to use the place, and I went in and found some guy's stuff everywhere. It turns out that she had brought back and slept with the same guy she was emotionally cheating on me with in a place I still lived in/paid for. I tried to confront her about it but she wouldn't admit it, she lied to me about it and she felt no remorse or guilt so I left. I was devastated, and so incredibly angry. She clearly is not worth my time, and is not trustworthy, and has her own issues going on, so I don't want her back. What I'm trying to deal with now is handling my own reaction. Soon after all this I erupted over the phone to her, and even wrote the coworker an angry letter to get out of my house while I pay for it/use it. I've since calmed down, and now regret contacting him and regret yelling at her, though part of me feels that I was justified in screaming at her for her behavior. What eats at me is that now she thinks and has told our friends I'm a lunatic, while never admitting any wrongdoing or insensitive behavior on her part. She's moved on as if nothing happened (she and the new guy are now dating), while even thinking about doing to someone what she did to me sends me reeling in shame and guilt. I'm far better off without her, but it kills me to think that I've been labeled as a crazy ex, when I think I've got a right to be angry at how she treated me. Was my reaction too much/unjustified? I feel so used, angry, and manipulated that I'm starting to think I'm the crazy one, though so a part of me knows that her behavior was terribly selfish, hurtful, and downright unfeeling. What do you guys think?
KatZee Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 You're not crazy. You're completely justified. I just had a discussion this past weekend about some of my own behavior after my ex pulled a stunt with me. I completely went off. Full of anger, and fury and I completely ripped him a new one. Of course like you, I started to feel the, "maybe I shouldn't have done that..." thought and I was debating apologizing. I of course came off like the crazy person, and he came off like the victim even though HE'S NOT beyond any shadow of a doubt. When I spoke with my friend/adviser, he told me, no. Don't feel guilty, you put up with way too much, more than you should have, and you held it together for far longer than you should have. I'm proud of you for snapping, you needed to, and I always advise people not to play, "Miss. Nice Girl." You're completely justified, you never would have done to him what he did to you, and anything you need to do to move past this, is perfectly fine. And I realized he's completely right. I never would have pulled that sh*t with my ex and I doubt you would have done to your ex what she did to you. You are justified in your outburst and reaction, but don't be expecting some sort of response. She just doesn't get it. What you said, was for you. Not for her to try and understand you or to put herself in your shoes. So you released the anger, now try to move forward.
Author miguelangel Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 So I feel really justified, but at the same time I feel super guilty for how I acted, which seems insane based on the fact that it was her behavior that put me in my position. The fact that she doesn't get it--that her behavior was so incredibly hurtful and disrespectful, is already tough to get over. Adding to that the fact that she thinks I'm the one who acted foolishly and immaturely is that much more infuriating and hurtful. Am I right to feel this way? How do I get over my own guilt and shame for my outburst, especially for contacting the other guy. Am I the crazy one? Or was it justified given how she treated me? Needing some advice in a major way. Thanks.
KatZee Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 So I feel really justified, but at the same time I feel super guilty for how I acted, which seems insane based on the fact that it was her behavior that put me in my position. The fact that she doesn't get it--that her behavior was so incredibly hurtful and disrespectful, is already tough to get over. Adding to that the fact that she thinks I'm the one who acted foolishly and immaturely is that much more infuriating and hurtful. Am I right to feel this way? How do I get over my own guilt and shame for my outburst, especially for contacting the other guy. Am I the crazy one? Or was it justified given how she treated me? Needing some advice in a major way. Thanks. I felt guilty to. For like 5 seconds before I reminded myself of all the crap my ex did to me. Just go over in your head, or make a list of all the things she did to you. All the lies she told. How she cheated on you. I bet you never would have treated her that way, at any point, and it was about time you lost your cool after keeping it together for so long. She deserved all of it. You're right, she is wrong.
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