Do you think cuddling with a friends wife is over the line?

[PJKino]

Hey OP, are you seriously asking the rest of us if it's inappropriate or just wanting to make excuses for your friend even though deep down you believe and think it's inappropriate.

 

Seem to me all you doing base on your replies is making excuses for your friend to be okay with cuddling with another man wife.

 

If you going to keep making excuses even though most of every reply here has said it's inappropriate than don't make a topic asking us just so you can hope someone here will say something you want to hear.

 

I said numeorus times its inappropriate but its a stretch to think she wants to sleep with me because she cuddled with me and that i should tell my friend and make things worse when she was just extremely drunk and stupid and not trying to really do anything

[chphan]

I said numeorus times its inappropriate but its a stretch to think she wants to sleep with me because she cuddled with me and that i should tell my friend and make things worse when she was just extremely drunk and stupid and not trying to really do anything

 

What??? So is this so called friend really you that you are referring to?

[Titanwolf]

£50 says the OP's friend is going to be cheated on at some point in his marriage. It's sad that people like this are even allowed to get married, but then I guess everyone zones out when they hear "Forsake all others" these days. The fish in me would swim away and fast!

[PJKino]

What??? So is this so called friend really you that you are referring to?

 

huh? i didnt cuddle back i stood their awkwardly then left soon after

[PJKino]

£50 says the OP's friend is going to be cheated on at some point in his marriage. It's sad that people like this are even allowed to get married, but then I guess everyone zones out when they hear "Forsake all others" these days. The fish in me would swim away and fast!

 

So cuddling=sex now?

 

As i said if she had a agenda she wouldnt have done anyhtign while he was at the house she would have waited for the right moment

[Mme. Chaucer]

It doesn't necessarily mean she "wants" to sleep with anybody. It is inappropriate behavior for a married person. I would NEVER consider cuddling with anybody but my husband or boyfriend. If my husband was cuddling with somebody besides me - you don't want to go there!

 

Having good boundaries is key to having a good relationship.

 

By the way, lots of drunk people have slept with people they really did not EVER want to sleep with … before that drunken moment. Not saying she would, but when one has no boundaries OR inhibitions, all bets are off!

[Titanwolf]

So cuddling=sex now?

 

As i said if she had a agenda she wouldnt have done anyhtign while he was at the house she would have waited for the right moment

 

My friend, it's not a virtue to be so naive. If you study her behaviour, you would see that they're a precursor to latent tendencies of infidelity. Do you actually understand her body language when she's "cuddling" with other men? it'd tell you a lot about her and a lot about her potential for infidelity. I don't know why in the world you consider this ok behaviour (Head on shoulders, rubbing feet) but if it were my friend, I'd tell him exactly what I told you, he'd understand and "man-up". Of course my friends are different to yours, my friends are faithful to their wives in ALL aspects and the wives, likewise. Jus sayin, I hope he's prepared sometime in the future, to hear "it was only once! it didn't mean anything!"

Edited July 30, 2012 by Titanwolf

[PJKino]

My friend, it's not a virtue to be so naive. If you study her behaviour, you would see that they're a precursor to latent tendencies of infidelity. Do you actually understand her body language when she's "cuddling" with other men? it'd tell you a lot about her and a lot about her potential for infidelity. I don't know why in the world you consider this ok behaviour (Head on shoulders, rubbing feet) but if it were my friend, I'd tell him exactly what I told you, he'd understand and "man-up". Of course my friends are different to yours, my friends are faithful to their wives in ALL aspects and the wives, likewise. Jus sayin, I hope he's prepared sometime in the future, to hear "it was only once! it didn't mean anything!"

 

oh i dont diasgree i was just saying i dont think it meant she wanted to have sex with me

[Titanwolf]

^^ well I'll just say then- Do I think it's going over the line? I truly do. Certain behaviour should be reserved for the person you love, otherwise it's not special.

[PJKino]

^^ well I'll just say then- Do I think it's going over the line? I truly do. Certain behaviour should be reserved for the person you love, otherwise it's not special.

 

I agree it was inappropriate as i said but i dont think if she privately lusted for me shed do it that blatantly and with someone she can get caught with who her husband knows dont you agree? but i see your point for future reference and pattern of behavior if she does it with strange men

[Titanwolf]

I agree it was inappropriate as i said but i dont think if she privately lusted for me shed do it that blatantly and with someone she can get caught with who her husband knows dont you agree? but i see your point for future reference and pattern of behavior if she does it with strange men

 

I do agree, but didn't you say she was under the influence? if she was, I doubt she was thinking very logically at the time. Then again, it's better the devil you know, than the devil you don't. As a friend, I'd at least keep a watchful eye, I doubt you want to see your friend crippled by infidelity.

[Trimmer]

Jus sayin, I hope he's prepared sometime in the future, to hear "it was only once! it didn't mean anything!"

And my own all-time favorite: "I wasn't thinking; it just happened..."

 

Usually things like this that "just happen" are the end of a chain of behaviors and broken boundaries - people rationalize along the way that each step "isn't really cheating", but then eventually something "just happens" and it's like it's some big surprise.

Edited July 31, 2012 by Trimmer

[SteveC80]

I dont think most women are strong enough mentally to control their emotions and if this girl spent a lot of time with your friend and they built a connection and she was also physically attracted to him add in alcohol and most women married or not are gonna have strong desires to cheat and at the least heavy flirt

 

Add in most women arent as loyal as men with friends and dont mind crossing the line with their spouses friend where most men know their bros women are off limits for even heavy flirting

Edited July 31, 2012 by SteveC80

[Mme. Chaucer]

I dont think most women are strong enough mentally to control their emotions and if this girl spent a lot of time with your friend and they built a connection and she was also physically attracted to him add in alcohol and most women married or not are gonna have strong desires to cheat and at the least heavy flirt

 

Add in most women arent as loyal as men with friends and dont mind crossing the line with their spouses friend where most men know their bros women are off limits for even heavy flirting

 

I'm thinking you will be a lot happier in life if you explore the possibility that you might be gay.

[SteveC80]

I'm thinking you will be a lot happier in life if you explore the possibility that you might be gay.

 

im sorry but ive seen way too many women all my life either cheat or cross the line like this,and recently its been tons in my social circle alone who cheated on my friends or dont stuff like this

 

So its either what i wrote or that women are just horndogs who cant keep their hands off men their attracted to

[The Way I Am]

OP, is the person she was cuddling with you or a friend? You said it was a friend but then you keep saying she was cuddling with you. Can you cut the BS and admit if it was you?

 

If it wasn't you, then it's not your place to cause trouble in your friend's relationship over something you think you saw that may or may not be innocent. You're stirring up drama. You'll be a messenger who gets shot, because one or more people in the situation is likely to end up pissed at you. And I have to wonder why you seem so personally invested in your friend's relationship.

 

If it is you she's been trying cuddle with, which I suspect that it is from your latest responses, then you should talk to your friend about being uncomfortable with how his wife is behaving around you. Either that or tell her that she needs to cut it out.

[NoMagicBullet]

My friend she was cuddling with is a good lookign dude and while she proably wouldnt do anyhtign i noticed most women flock to the same few guys and maybe this was her moment of weakness since women cant control themsvles around guys they think are good looking and charismatic when there drunk or maybe she was just showing effection because they never were great friends till we moved to this new summer home and they became more close friendship wise?

 

This is incorrect. Women can control themselves. So can men. It's more sifficult when you are strongly attracted to another person, but you still have choices about what you are going to do... or not.

 

When you're married, it starts with choosing how you are going to act in ways that respect your spouse. She could choose not to cuddle with men who are not her husband, she could choose to drink less, she could choose to not put herself in a situation like what you described. But she did choose all of those.

 

You've made a lot of excuses for her, and I wonder... you've made a lot of statements how if she cuddled with you it wouldn't lead to sex. Are you looking for an excuse to cuddle with her? Are you looking for justification for putting you & her in a position where things could lead to more? Maybe I'm misreading things, but I'm kind of suspicious of your motives since you seem to be ingoring the good advice that's already been given.

[PJKino]

OP, is the person she was cuddling with you or a friend? You said it was a friend but then you keep saying she was cuddling with you. Can you cut the BS and admit if it was you?

 

If it wasn't you, then it's not your place to cause trouble in your friend's relationship over something you think you saw that may or may not be innocent. You're stirring up drama. You'll be a messenger who gets shot, because one or more people in the situation is likely to end up pissed at you. And I have to wonder why you seem so personally invested in your friend's relationship.

 

If it is you she's been trying cuddle with, which I suspect that it is from your latest responses, then you should talk to your friend about being uncomfortable with how his wife is behaving around you. Either that or tell her that she needs to cut it out.

 

No i would say if she cuddled with me,it was with another friend,im just torn on what to do

 

As for why im so personally invested in a frfends relationship its because i see him and his wife all the time and im extremely close to both there like a brother and sister to me and dont want to see my friend hurt down the road so of course its gonna concern me

 

Im just torn wheter there was any bad intent there or just a drunken harmless moment where she did something inappropriate that luckily ddint blow up in her face

[Trimmer]

Im just torn wheter there was any bad intent there or just a drunken harmless moment where she did something inappropriate that luckily ddint blow up in her face

I think you are limiting yourself too much, if you see those as the only possibilities. Every time someone has given a strong opinion that this is a problem, you have fundamentally acknowledged it, but then gone on to say, essentially, "...but it doesn't mean she intended to have sex with him..." or some variant. Your view of the situation seems to be either (a) she had specific bad intentions, or (b) it was just a drunken mistake in the moment.

 

Let's say I agree with you that she didn't have specific "bad intentions" in that moment, OK? I still maintain that one shouldn't pass off her behavior as no more than a drunken mistake, like running into a door jamb, or missing the toilet when you're trying to pee. I think her behavior points to fundamentally loose boundaries that her husband might not be in agreement with. (And I think you acknowledged that point - saying that he might be mad if he knew, right?)

 

So even if she didn't intend to f**k that guy on the couch at that moment, she still has loose boundaries that might come into play in other dynamics. What if she's on a "girls' trip out" in Jamaica some time - what is her boundary for "cuddling" there? What if she and her husband get into a fight at some point, and she seeks out the advice of a male "friend"? What are her boundaries for "cuddling" in that situation?

 

I'll repeat this earlier point:

Usually things like this that "just happen" are the end of a chain of behaviors and broken boundaries - people rationalize along the way that each step "isn't really cheating", but then eventually something "just happens" and it's like it's some big surprise.

She may not have been intending to have sex with that guy on that couch at that moment, but given her willingness to engage in that type of behavior, add one or two more stressors in her life - add more links in the chain - and who knows what might "just happen"?

Edited July 31, 2012 by Trimmer

[The Way I Am]

No i would say if she cuddled with me

 

Well, what's confusing is that in one post you actually did say that she cuddled with you, and it seemed like you were referring to this particular situation where she was drunk.

 

I said numeorus times its inappropriate but its a stretch to think she wants to sleep with me because she cuddled with me and that i should tell my friend and make things worse when she was just extremely drunk and stupid and not trying to really do anything

In that one, you clearly said she cuddled with you not just "tried to" like in the rest of your posts.

 

Im just torn wheter there was any bad intent there or just a drunken harmless moment where she did something inappropriate that luckily ddint blow up in her face

The thing is that I've seen people be less torn over much more. I don't understand why you're so torn over what to do about something you saw but weren't a part of. It just doesn't seem normal. Maybe it's just coming off wrong, but you seem to have an unhealthy degree of involvement in this if the details you gave are accurate. Either you have a tendency to get too involved in general or there's a reason you're too involved in this particular relationship.

 

I also wonder why you're so concerned now that she was cuddling with some other guy, but you weren't asking for any advice when she attempted to cuddle (or did cuddle?) with you. Makes me wonder if any jealousy might be a motivator. Though if you're the guy she was cuddling with and there is no friend, the guilt factor would explain all that.

 

She may not have been intending to have sex with that guy on that couch at that moment, but given her willingness to engage in that type of behavior, add one or two more stressors in her life - add more links in the chain - and who knows what might "just happen"?

 

All of those things might be true, but I haven't seen much advice in the way of what to actually do about the situation. I suppose the implication is that he should tell his friend.

 

If the OP isn't the offending cuddler, nothing but drama will come out of him tattling on the wife and his friend. (If OP is the cuddler, he should come clean to the husband.)

 

The husband will immediately want to defend his wife if he approaches his friend with some "your wife is on the verge of slutting it up" accusation. It's also much easier for the wife and/or friend to flip things around on someone who's tattling on other people than it is on someone who's admitting some involvement of their own. People are less likely to believe tattlers and gossipers.

 

"I saw so an so doing xzy and it must mean they have zyx in mind. Watch out." is much less believable than "I'm not saying this means anything or making any accusations, but I thought you should know. So and so did this with me. It made me uncomfortable. This is how I reacted. If it ever happens again, should I react differently?"

Edited August 2, 2012 by The Way I Am

[SteveC80]

Do i think she was tryign to sleep your friend? no not at all but the fact she was asking you to cuddle and ended up cuddling with him and is looking for initmacy and closeness with other Men is a sign she doesnt think shes geting it enough from her husband that would worry me more then thinking maybe she would bang him.

 

Id imagine at work shes proably emotionally cheating with somebody now the way shes yearning for closeness and effection from other men

Edited August 2, 2012 by SteveC80

[Trimmer]

All of those things might be true, but I haven't seen much advice in the way of what to actually do about the situation. I suppose the implication is that he should tell his friend.

I was just responding in the context of his original post, in which he wasn't asking for advice on what to do, but was asking the question: is this inappropriate/over the line? It seems that his first step is in getting it straight how he feels about it in his own head, and that's the context of his opening post, and of much of the ensuing discussion in the thread.

 

(Having said that, I think your advice about what to do is thoughtful and reasonable...)

[The Way I Am]

I was just responding in the context of his original post, in which he wasn't asking for advice on what to do, but was asking the question: is this inappropriate/over the line?

 

Ah! Makes sense.

 

(Having said that, I think your advice about what to do is thoughtful and reasonable...)

Thanks.

 

Ok, OP. So for the question of whether it's inappropriate and the related question as to whether her motivation is sexual or not. My answer: It doesn't matter. When she tried to cuddle with you (or did cuddle depending on which post you read), she did something that made you uncomfortable and that you think would probably make her husband uncomfortable. Your job as his friend is to relay what happened between you and her. It's up to her husband to rationalize that behavior to people on the internet -- I mean, to decide whether her actions are something he needs to be concerned about.