fray5 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Could really use some help here! My gf and I have been together 7 months and live 4 hrs apart (we're 27). We see each other on the wkends and stay with one another every second of that time. I'm confused bc just last week she was telling me she loves me all the time and being very affectionate. Then a few days before the this past wkend she started acting kinda weird. I drove up to her and we hung out as we always do but she felt distant. She's really paranoid about having sex bc she keeps getting these UTI's so right now I guess we're not having sex. She didn't sleep close to me as she usually does or hug/kiss me hardly at all. I asked her if something was wrong and she said she "felt weird and it's weird to go from not seeing me all week to being around each other all the time and that she's used to being very independent." I can understand that bc I'm very independent but she just came off as very rude, defensive, and kinda just bitchy all wkend. She's a very moody person I've come to figure out, but I've always tried to give her as much of my attention as possible. I feel almost as if it's always about her. She's bossy too and maybe this is my fault for being too nice? I've had a lot of stressful stuff in my life recently and I really wanted her to be close with me this past wkend. I think she needs space and if I give her this, she'll appreciate me more. I feel weird writing this bc I haven't been clingy at all, I just wanted some comfort this one time as I'm having a rough time with some personal things. So what do you all think? How do I give her space and is that the right thing to do? We text a lot and I was thinking of slowing down on replying to her every text, etc.
Author fray5 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 She might have found someone else. The no sex is a huge clue. The UTI excuse is convenient. This change came about so quick; I just have a hard time imagining that. Man, that would really hurt if so. What should I do?
utterer of lies Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 How do I give her space You tell her: It's ok for you to **** other people. is that the right thing to do? Yes. You lost her already.
Author fray5 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 You tell her: It's ok for you to **** other people. Yes. You lost her already. Do you really think she's sleeping with other people? She just told me she loves me last night. Why would she be saying that?
utterer of lies Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Do you really think she's sleeping with other people? What else would she need the space for? She can already talk with other people, go to the movies, dinners, whatever. The only thing that is really exclusive to the relationship is sex. And she asks you to loosen that. Again: What else would she need 'the space' for? She just told me she loves me last night. Why would she be saying that? Backup plan. Pity. To protect you. It doesn't really matter.
Author fray5 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 What else would she need the space for? She can already talk with other people, go to the movies, dinners, whatever. The only thing that is really exclusive to the relationship is sex. And she asks you to loosen that. Again: What else would she need 'the space' for? Backup plan. Pity. To protect you. It doesn't really matter. I think I might've confused you. She didn't say she needed space herself. I'm saying that I think I need to give her some space and back off where she's been acting moody.
Author fray5 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Maybe she is distant and not giving you sex because you have not committed to her. Maybe she is expecting a ring. Otherwise, she has found someone else. Try to snoop around a bit. Or just ask her. She has often mentioned before how she would like to be married to me. I told her I would too but we need to keep dating and see how things go. So maybe it's something to do with that. I really do think the UTI thing has her freaked out bc she seriously got one like the next day after we had sex the last time. I can also tell in her face she's scared; she said it's like a bunch of needles feeling down there. When you say snoop around, what do you mean? I don't want to invade her privacy or anything.
Author fray5 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Hmm, maybe she simply wants commitment from you. Why do you need to keep waiting? About the UTI: Get her a prescription for antibiotics. Have her take one tab after sex for prophylaxis. That is no big deal. Snoop: Look at her phone when she is on the can. Sit on the computer when she is on the can and look. But, it would be best to just ask. I keep waiting bc she acts moody like this from time to time and I'm not yet sure if I want to be with her for the rest of my life. If she continuously acted that way, it'd drive me nuts. I'm giving her time though to be sure. Also, we live hrs away and both have good jobs so I'm not sure how that'd work. I might try taking a look at her phone or something when she is away. Something about that tho just makes me feel a little bad.
Author fray5 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 (edited) Well, there is your answer. She probably feels the same way about you. She is not sure and hence she rather find an excuse not to sleep with you. It works both ways. She probably senses your lack of commitment. Why do you keep dating her? I keep dating her bc I love her and it doesn't exactly feel right to leave her right now. We have so many common interests and have a good time together. I don't know how she'd feel my lack of committment as I'm very good to her all the time. She originally said she'd move down to me, but with her new job that's really good I'm not sure that's the case. Does it sound to you like I should end it? Where I'm stressed with some things in my personal life, I'm a little worried about making any quick decisions. Also, she goes through these weird phases, like over the last week she hasn't shaved, like her legs and it's kind of gross- which is another reason I doubt she's cheating. I asked her if she was ok and she said everything was fine. Edited July 30, 2012 by fray5
Emilia Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Also, she goes through these weird phases, like over the last week she hasn't shaved, like her legs and it's kind of gross- which is another reason I doubt she's cheating. I asked her if she was ok and she said everything was fine. I think she gets depressed
Author fray5 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Well, seven months is a long time, but not two or three years. Where are you going with this? You say you love her and then proceed to describe her imperfections. Most folks in love cannot see the imperfections. You are confused. Maybe she is confused. She does not get ready for you and has stubble in her legs. She does not want sex. Hmm. if she is not seeing anyone else this is bad news. I wasn't picking at her imperfections, I was simply noticing how she's acting differently. I told her she could do whatever she wants, leg hair or whatnot, and id still love her. If we went a year or so and things were really good I'd def consider a ring. That's why I'm so stressed bc I want this to work out. How can I get myself to relax?! Thanks for the help Pierre!
Author fray5 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 I think she gets depressed I've wondered the same. She always points out how beautiful other girls are and always seems to be changing things about herself. She's almost 27 so I would hope she would have outgrown this by now. Should I just give her time if she is depressed?
Author fray5 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Did you express these feelings to her? You need to communicate. I try to do that and she'll just say everything is fine, but there is like this underlying tone in my gut that tells me different. Sometimes, I feel like she's playing games and I'm not even sure if she is aware of this. I think that's another reason it's so stressful. Is there a better approach I can take to talking with her about it?
Author fray5 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 You are there with her and I am not. So I may be all over the place. Now it sounds that she is satisfied and hence this may explain her relaxed attitude with you. Maybe the two of you are different. Some folks seek a relaxed state in relationships and others crave a bit of tension. A classical example is when a person feels her partner takes her (or him) for granted and the other party has no clue about this. Maybe she is taking you for granted and she is unaware. Yeah I feel that you're pretty close to what may be going on. It's just where we're hrs apart it's hard to communicate sometimes. She loves to text but I like to talk on the phone or skype bc it's easier to read things. If she is taking me forgranted, is there a way I can act to help her notice this? I've already started backing off of the texting again to where I'm only responding to hers and not initiating any of my own. Thanks again for the help, Pierre. It's greatly appreciated.
Author fray5 Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 update: she continued to text only about herself and ask me very little about what I had going on. So I talked to her on Skype and asked if there was anything wrong with her, us, or anything else in general. She said there was nothing wrong, she's just tired, and the type of person who needs some space sometimes. I told her I was worried something might've been wrong but she said not to worry. I told her I'd give her all the space she needs. Honestly, I'm very frustrated bc I've been so good to her and polite and all she has done is talk in a condescending way to me and treat me pretty bad imo. I'm going to continue to distance myself and only reply to texts when she asks me something instead. I'm also going to take my time replying back. I feel like she's making everything about her lately so would me distancing myself in that way be the best thing? She seems depressed bc she layed in bed all evening yesterday and has been going to bed way early on others. Can you all tell anymore on the situation based on this?
InJest Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 She likes your attention. Start ignoring her completely, create some space for yourself. Start going out with your friends and acting single, see if you like it better than what she's putting you through. Don't hook up with other girls(unless you really want to), but if the opportunity keeps presenting itself then you may end up realizing your own self worth and ending this unfulfilling relationship on your own. My guess is that she'll freak out if you stop answering her texts though.
Author fray5 Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 (edited) STOP BEING THE VICTIM. dang it. speak up son. giving her space and following her rules till she feels better. be upfront with her now rather than swallowing ur doubts and fears. How can you be so sure of this? And are you saying I should tell her all the crap of how she's been acting and then break up with her? She's starting to text me more questions now and asking about if we're going to be doing certain things (original plans we had) a month down the road. This must be from me taking forever to reply to her texts and being short. Maybe I should really wait a long time to text her back? I feel crazy asking this but should I through her facebook messages? Edited July 31, 2012 by fray5
Author fray5 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 she has you dancing like a monkey. u already lost the battle. im telling you she is sleeping with other men on the side. u r a hangout buddy. just to hangout with. thats it. how far have you gone with her sexually? I've been having sex pretty close to the beginning of when we started hanging out. She just seems depressed man. She's not taking care of herself (not shaving, etc) and seems like she is just closing herself off. I just haven't been texting her. Last night she texted me before she went to bed (at 8:30pm) and told me goodnight and she hoped I had a good day. I don't know if I should just keep being distant like I am or just confront her and tell her what she's doing isn't making since- either she has someone else or she's depressed? Should I check her facebook? I really don't want to do that, but I might have to if this keeps up.
Emilia Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 This particular poster OP is just having you on, ignore him. I think your girlfriend is what many of us slightly older commonly refer to as 'neurotic'. You will need to decide whether you wish to put up with that long term.
Author fray5 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 This particular poster OP is just having you on, ignore him. I think your girlfriend is what many of us slightly older commonly refer to as 'neurotic'. You will need to decide whether you wish to put up with that long term. Thanks Emilia for the response. I think you're right about how she's acting and that's a good way of putting it. Could you tell me the best way to deal with this behavior? Right now, I've just been replying to only her texts not asking any questions and giving her room.
Emilia Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Thanks Emilia for the response. I think you're right about how she's acting and that's a good way of putting it. Could you tell me the best way to deal with this behavior? Right now, I've just been replying to only her texts not asking any questions and giving her room. You are asking the wrong person because I wouldn't tolerate behaviour like that. I wouldn't date a moody/neurotic/depressive/negative person, there is no space in my life for someone like that and believe me I met men over the years who fit that description.
Author fray5 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 You are asking the wrong person because I wouldn't tolerate behaviour like that. I wouldn't date a moody/neurotic/depressive/negative person, there is no space in my life for someone like that and believe me I met men over the years who fit that description. That's what some of my family and friends have said, that I shouldn't put up with that and deserve better. They said it's her true colors starting to come out and that's just how she is. It's just my heart is kinda tied up in it. Thanks again for your help, Emilia. I just wanna make the right decision about how to handle this.
Emilia Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 That's what some of my family and friends have said, that I shouldn't put up with that and deserve better. They said it's her true colors starting to come out and that's just how she is. It's just my heart is kinda tied up in it. Thanks again for your help, Emilia. I just wanna make the right decision about how to handle this. Just remember you can't change a person, only she can change herself. Therefore, ultimately, there isn't that much you can do
Author fray5 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 Just remember you can't change a person, only she can change herself. Therefore, ultimately, there isn't that much you can do That's a good point. I'm just going to try to focus on myself in the meantime. I'm always trying to do things to be good to her so I think I need a little time also.
Author fray5 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 I think Emilia was right. I talked to a close friend of my gf's that I have gotten to know pretty well too. I explained to her I was worried about my gf bc of how she's been acting. She told me she's just crazy like that and she will have these times where she gets like this. She said she knows she isn't and wouldn't cheat on me but said she just isolates herself like this when "whatever it is" is happening to her. It sounds like some type of depression stuff to me. I'm not sure if I'm gonna stick around for this. Is it a good idea to get out now? I do love her but I'm still only 25 and could have other options.
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