Is he just not into me?!?

[MG83]

This is going to be a bit long, but I want to be as detailed as possible. I'm 29 and met a guy (28) on a dating site. We talked through text and email for several weeks before meeting (only on the phone once but that lasted over 5 hrs!). He told me he had never done online dating and he didn't know how it works. He told me he wanted to get to know me before meeting and he was trying to develop a rapport first. He started texting me a lot more and seeming more interested, and after about 3 wks asked if I wanted to meet. I ended up going to his house (I know, prob a mistake on the first "date"). We ended up hanging out, talking, playing a game, listening to music, etc. It was going really well and we were really clicking. He said a few sweet things to me like he was so glad to finally have met me, etc etc. He also kissed me and mentioned after kissing me that he hasn't kissed anyone in 6 months (he's been single by choice for 2 yrs.). He also mentioned that he hasn't met anyone else or wasn't talking to anyone else (I didn't ask, he just brought it up). He did want to have sex that night, but I had made it very clear from the beginning that I was not looking for a hook up. However, we did hook up a little bit (not what I intended to do at all). He told me he wanted to see me again, and he wanted me to spend the night so he could make me breakfast the next morning, but I had to work so I went home. He shared a lot about himself and I felt like I was really starting to get to know him and like him, and it seemed mutual. He showed me pictures from when he was a kid, told me stories, really opened up to me. Anyway, since then, things have changed. He still texts me every day, but not as often. He hasn't called or asked to see me since then. I thought for sure he's not interested anymore, but he continues to text me every day. I completely stopped initiating texts because I assumed he wasn't interested. He usually texts me every morning or afternoon, but the texts are few and far between, and then I usually don't hear anything from him.. and he sometimes won't respond back to my texts. I'm SO confused! We really seemed to click! Part of me says he just wants sex, but he wasn't really acting like it. He told me he was ultimately looking for a relationship (perhaps the last one before marriage) and that sex is only a by-product of that. I just don't understand why he hasn't asked to see me again, why he doesn't text as often, but continues to text me every day (and he initiates the texts!). I had officially given up on him the other day and decided I wasn't going to contact him or respond, because I really like him and I'm sick of all the questions I have. Then, he texted me randomly and told me he's sorry he's been a bit of a hermit the past week, and he asked how my day was going (as if he had read my mind that I was done with him and he needed to fix it). I thought that was a sign that he was going to take more initiative, but he hasn't. He is still initiating texts, but isn't saying much in them. Why does he continue to text if he's not interested, and if he is interested, why is he not asking me out again or calling me or talking to me more? Part of me thinks maybe he's a little scared... he's been single for 2 years, so maybe he thought he was ready, but he's not... but he doesn't quite wanna let me go. The other part thinks he's not interested at all... and another part thinks he just wants sex (even though he's not trying to see me to get it.) Any advice would be great. I really truly believe that he's a nice guy, but I don't know what's going on.

 

Just a side note... he did give me full disclosure that about 2 years ago, he had a really bad breakup and turned into quite a jerk for about a year after. He disclosed that he was really charming and manipulated people and used them, and he feels really bad for it because that's not him and it never felt right to him. He said he has been single for so long because he needed to get past that and figure himself out before dating again.

 

Please help!

Edited July 30, 2012 by MG83

[DuchessKaye]

You said you truly believe that he's a nice guy, so here's to you.

Maybe he likes you. He's probably interested. But he's blowing hot and cold, and for you to know he's not doing it to purposely make you feel confused and all trapped up, he just does that because that's what he does. Men are like that, very often they are hard to read and understand. One minute you'll feel very peaceful with him next minute you are awfully confused. He calls and texts 20 times a day for the first 2 days then you don't hear from him for 2 weeks. Today you are together, tomorrow you are a friend. Tonight you are the most beautiful thing to ever grace the planet earth, next morning you are a doormat. They come and go. They're on then they're off. That's just the way how they 'dance'. I know it's irritating but all we have to do is to just play along until they stop dancing and do what they supposed to do: to tell us what they really want with us.

 

You said he had a really bad break up. That's another thing. Maybe he's still being cautious now, thinking and still figuring things out. If you like him and if you think he's worth the wait, then the best thing you can do for now is to just stay back, wait for him to come around, initiate to get back together/to see each other again and pursue you again. If a man is ready and is sure that he wants you, he'll let you know. If he doesn't, then you have to stop waiting around, you move on and you date other man that will be into you and will make you feel comfortable and secure.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is pretty easy to decipher for me, I can see the holes in his act.

 

First off, you should know better than this at age 29 than to believe every word that comes out of a mans mouth. You should never take what a man says at 100 percent truth, that trust should be built during the relationship over time to get to that point not before, or during the initial stages...you should always read between the lines and account the actions not matching the words or being followed through, empty promises and excuses.

 

As far as what this guy is doing is still completely manipulating, he's still on that wagon of driving the situation in a certain direction.

 

Of course he planned on having sex with you when you came over, you seriously think that's not a great influence for this guy? don't be ridiculous, I see him acting it out throughout your whole post but you seem to think that because he showed some pictures of himself as a little punk kid that he can trusted...don't be so naive.

 

You obviously see and notice that something isn't right and your impression of him wanting sex is being outdone by your desire to this as a potential relationship. Your instincts and intuition is already giving you the answers but you are choosing to complicate that.

"he did give me full disclosure that about 2 years ago, he had a really bad breakup and turned into quite a jerk for about a year after. He disclosed that he was really charming and manipulated people and used them, and he feels really bad for it because that's not him and it never felt right to him."

 

He is still attempting to be charming and manipulative...trust me. This guy has an agenda, there's a certain way he goes about "seducing" women into his favor and he's applied the same tactic on you that he'd apply on anyone else. You don't know who this guy is or what he does, or how many women he has on the line or whether he's never met someone online or not, you don't know what or where he's at emotionally, you don't know what he wants or does not...and when it's not clear you can assume that It's not something serious...do you get that? when it's not clear, not in your face...there's nothing to figure out...this is the grey area, this is where he wins and you lose.

 

Ask him why he's been single so long...after he bses you then ask him for the truth. See how much this guy is willing to fork out details, ask him about him past, ask him the exact actions him committed and what he learned from them...do you not understand that he's told you he is manipulative? do you think that just magically goes away? What has he done besides one night of "coincidental" intimacy has he been willing to offer towards genuine intent and emotions?

 

Don't buy the whole breakup BS, c'mon...he's 28 and on a dating site...you think If it was that bad his sorry @ss would be on a dating website? please...If he was really taking care of business would he have invited you over and shared all these "intimate" or personal moments with you? This guys trying to build a rapport, he's trying to take a fast track to your trust, he was hoping it would loosen your pants and your vagina would fall out of your pants because he's such a "nice, sweet, poor guy who just needs to be shown love" FFS, this guy isn't 12 years old....tell him to man-up if anything, see through this veil of BS.

 

He's testing you right now, he's testing your naivety, your intelligence, your emotional will, your ability to respect yourself and resist...he shoots some easy texts because he probably doesn't have anything better to do or no one else on the line at the moment or hell maybe you're just text number 3 he sends out in a group to 3 different women...you have no idea.

 

Bottom line...who gives a damn IF he's texting you...texting does not mean "relationship" or "serious" on planet earth...It means effortless contact to keep a line open so that one day you can come over and give it up when the situation suits him...he's single by choice because he doesn't want a relationship, do you get that? not because he hasn't found the "right one".

 

He's only going to put minimal effort, he invited you directly to his house the first time...he wants you to spend the night the second time...minimal effort, he gets your vagina then backs away, what is "confusing" about this? you need me to draw you a map on exactly how this goes because the guy is simple.

 

So is he interested? yes in sex...a relationship? does it look like it to you? call yourself on this BS, stop believing what he says and taking his petty efforts and running with them because you like the fool...you don't know anything about him and he's definitely not giving you and from what I read absolutely any reason for you to trust him....you will get burned, back away and cut off contact or learn the hard way. He may ignite the pressure once you do, but that's only because you're giving chase and he simply wants to conquer, as long as you're still on the line there's no hurry for him.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You said you truly believe that he's a nice guy, so here's to you.

Maybe he likes you. He's probably interested. But he's blowing hot and cold, and for you to know he's not doing it to purposely make you feel confused and all trapped up, he just does that because that's what he does. Men are like that, very often they are hard to read and understand. One minute you'll feel very peaceful with him next minute you are awfully confused. He calls and texts 20 times a day for the first 2 days then you don't hear from him for 2 weeks. Today you are together, tomorrow you are a friend. Tonight you are the most beautiful thing to ever grace the planet earth, next morning you are a doormat. They come and go. They're on then they're off. That's just the way how they 'dance'. I know it's irritating but all we have to do is to just play along until they stop dancing and do what they supposed to do: to tell us what they really want with us.

 

You said he had a really bad break up. That's another thing. Maybe he's still being cautious now, thinking and still figuring things out. If you like him and if you think he's worth the wait, then the best thing you can do for now is to just stay back, wait for him to come around, initiate to get back together/to see each other again and pursue you again. If a man is ready and is sure that he wants you, he'll let you know. If he doesn't, then you have to stop waiting around, you move on and you date other man that will be into you and will make you feel comfortable and secure.

 

That's what men that are NO GOOD for us do. Not all men. When I was dating guys that were serious about me, I knew it. I had this feeling of consistency and peace. Nothing felt off.

 

This guy is not that into you. He is keeping you as a back up option and you are consenting to this treatment