sunnysmiles Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Hi, Back story: My new ex fiance was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and pill addict for 20 years. They've been separated for 3 years, and divorced for 6 months and I was dating him for 1 year. She contacts him every day, in a harassing manner. She has left probably 100 voicemails swearing at him, saying things like, "You f-ing a-hole, are you still dating that fat ugly who*e? You will die for dating someone so much younger than me." My problem is, my ex fiance never stood up to her. He never told her to not speak to him that way, or to talk about me like that. I asked him why, and he said, because she's a drunk and she doesn't even know what she's saying. I could go on, but my ex told me that his therapist said he was codependent, and after researching it, he really has it. It seems like a mental illness. Has anyone else dated someone who was clinically codependent?
whathurtsthemost Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Yes. Codependency is a real bummer and can affect not only interpersonal relationships but also life in general. Truth is, most codependents choose relationships in which they can fulfil their role of putting others before themselves... if they cant, they dont feel attraction... codependents choose people that cannot fulfil their emotional needs, mostly because their needs were never met as a child... This is where the root of codependency starts; an abusive / alcoholic / parent.... Always catering for their needs, children forget their own and always cater to someone else. Rejection and abandonment are the worst nightmares for any codependent, that is why they cling and try to do anything from a relationship in dissolving, even if its a relationship that is abusive and detrimental to their wellbeing. Codependents are not manipulative free - where as others manipulate in a sly, cunning way (NPD and BPD), codependents create scenarios in which they can help others in order to keep them close, or to gain their attention... so its indirect manipulation, and most of the time, they are not aware that their behaviours is a subconcious attempt to control. It's a personality disorder, as opposed to mental illness, and can be treated in therapy and self discovery. I recommend this: A Life Strategist: ShariSchreiber.com for Resolution, Empowerment, Success, Transformation A Shrink for Men It's hard to have a relationship with a codependent; low-self worth, or self esteem that is defined through helping others, dependent on approval of others, etc.... someone needs to be patient if they are going to have a relationship with a codependent; sometimes, the other partner is codependent or has another personality disorder, more of the type that is more self-centred and demanding, such as NPD or BPD... Frankly, if you are healthy and well balanced, you may want to reconsider your relationship before getting in deeper... If you want to proceed, I suggest you encourage your partner to get into therapy and set strict boundaries within the relationship. My question is, who are you and what makes you tick? We choose what is familiar to us... Good luck, hope I helped!
thatone Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 yeah there's at least one other example, he has dated two codependent people, his ex wife and you! why would you date for a year, a guy who gets constant harassing communication from a drug addicted psycho that he married? and you're dating him for 6 months while he's still married? and it was working out so well that you were engaged to him too, fantastic. you need a boyfriend that bad? 16 year olds behave that way, defining their entire existence by having a boyfriend or not. i'm guessing you're quite a bit too old for that song and dance considering the ex fiance was married for 20 years.
Author sunnysmiles Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 yeah there's at least one other example, he has dated two codependent people, his ex wife and you! why would you date for a year, a guy who gets constant harassing communication from a drug addicted psycho that he married? and you're dating him for 6 months while he's still married? and it was working out so well that you were engaged to him too, fantastic. you need a boyfriend that bad? 16 year olds behave that way, defining their entire existence by having a boyfriend or not. i'm guessing you're quite a bit too old for that song and dance considering the ex fiance was married for 20 years. What a negative, immature, IGNORANT response. Why did you even waste your time writing out those words of hate and ignorance? Why are you even on this board? I don't care for another ignorant response of yours.
Author sunnysmiles Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Yes. Codependency is a real bummer and can affect not only interpersonal relationships but also life in general. Truth is, most codependents choose relationships in which they can fulfil their role of putting others before themselves... if they cant, they dont feel attraction... codependents choose people that cannot fulfil their emotional needs, mostly because their needs were never met as a child... This is where the root of codependency starts; an abusive / alcoholic / parent.... Always catering for their needs, children forget their own and always cater to someone else. Rejection and abandonment are the worst nightmares for any codependent, that is why they cling and try to do anything from a relationship in dissolving, even if its a relationship that is abusive and detrimental to their wellbeing. Codependents are not manipulative free - where as others manipulate in a sly, cunning way (NPD and BPD), codependents create scenarios in which they can help others in order to keep them close, or to gain their attention... so its indirect manipulation, and most of the time, they are not aware that their behaviours is a subconcious attempt to control. It's a personality disorder, as opposed to mental illness, and can be treated in therapy and self discovery. I recommend this: A Life Strategist: ShariSchreiber.com for Resolution, Empowerment, Success, Transformation A Shrink for Men It's hard to have a relationship with a codependent; low-self worth, or self esteem that is defined through helping others, dependent on approval of others, etc.... someone needs to be patient if they are going to have a relationship with a codependent; sometimes, the other partner is codependent or has another personality disorder, more of the type that is more self-centred and demanding, such as NPD or BPD... Frankly, if you are healthy and well balanced, you may want to reconsider your relationship before getting in deeper... If you want to proceed, I suggest you encourage your partner to get into therapy and set strict boundaries within the relationship. My question is, who are you and what makes you tick? We choose what is familiar to us... Good luck, hope I helped! Thanks! I am NOT codependent and always thought his behavior was overbearing, controlling, bizarre, etc. I thought he was always just trying to be overly nice. I didn't know this was a personality disorder. Do most people who married alcoholics develop this disorder? I dont think it stemmed from his childhood.
Author sunnysmiles Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 thatone wrote what he did to wake you up to reality huh? Is this his other fake screen name? Are you in grade school?
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